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Husband loves best friend more than me?

2

Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 109 ✭✭ ToyotaCorolla


    My advice to you OP is to get the hell out of this excuse for a marriage and leave your excuse for a husband to his "girlfriend".

    I couldn't do anything BUT walk out on a man who prioritised me last, affair or no affair. Their relationship is a fcuked up co-dependent mess and I'd advise you to leave them to it. 'Lovely friendship' my hole...


    Here ,here Elle Collins . Some of the posters to the OP earlier on are posting out their backside- with "ah isnt it lovely how close they are". Give me a break, the husband tries to project how caring ,compassionate and understanding he is working with the Samartians etc.
    He might be better of applying some understanding towards his wife.
    When the child grows up she will resent the "best friend" too and this whole situation . OP dont let any posters try to fog your judgement whats going on is unacceptable .

    I think the husband is on a power trip he likes people to rely on him, seek his advice , deep down he would probably hate if his friend got himself sorted and moved on with his life because then it would not be the way it was maybe he is trying to cling on to the past.


  • Registered Users Posts: 23,457 ✭✭✭✭ Sleepy


    So he's putting her last in every aspect of their lives and she should try to amend matters by screwing his brains out? Am I missing something here??

    The fact is the OP's husband has ALWAYS told her that his friend will come first. He said that to her only a year into their marriage. Hell, he even planned his wedding day to suit his friend!!

    Sorry OP, but if you've any respect for yourself or want to find any kind of happiness you'll just walk away from this nonsense, because you sure as hell aren't going to find it with a husband who's utterly devoted to someone else.
    Did you read the post? The reasoning behind it? Without sex, a relationship is just a friendship. We've seen so many posts on PI/RI where the OP is considering leaving their husband/wife because they're not being sexually satisfied.

    What kind of healthy relationship involves "allowing" your partner to see their friends.

    What's so wrong about timing your wedding so your best friend can be the best man? Or is caring about the details of a wedding only the woman should care about?! :rolleyes:

    I'm not saying the OP's husband is without fault but it's pretty clear that the OP would have to accept some blame for the distance that has grown between them too.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 681 Elle Collins


    Sleepy wrote: »
    I'm not saying the OP's husband is without fault but it's pretty clear that the OP would have to accept some blame for the distance that has grown between them too.

    My point is that this relationship has always been unhealthy, and that there has always been distance between them. It's pretty difficult for two people to have a close marriage when there are in fact three people in it.

    As for sex, when a woman is consistantly prioritised last she feels demeaned, degraded and dissapointed. She feels, in fact, the polar opposite of horny. Being sexually close to a man who puts you last is the furthest thing from a woman's mind.

    I think it's way off the mark to expect a woman who's being treated like this to try to rectify matters by having sex she clearly doesn't want to be having. And I wouldn't blame her, if my husband was treated me like this I wouldn't want to touch him with a ten foot pole.

    And as for their sexual history, who can say how that might have developed if the OP hadn't always had to compete for attention in her own marriage?


  • Registered Users Posts: 23,457 ✭✭✭✭ Sleepy


    As for sex, when a woman is consistantly prioritised last she feels demeaned, degraded and dissapointed. She feels, in fact, the polar opposite of horny. Being sexually close to a man who puts you last is the furthest thing from a woman's mind.
    It's a bit of a Catch 22 when being sexually distant from a man is going to make him put you lower in his priorities.

    The OP hasn't said that their sexual history has changed in any way, she said:
    I'm not very interested in sex, it's just the way I am and I can't change that. Sex has felt like a chore a lot of the time and while I love him very much, I would be happier if sex wasn't so important to him.
    Which sounds like this has always been the case and, to be frank, isn't healthy for the OP or her relationship with her husband.

    I wonder was she as upfront with him about not wanting to have sex as he was about the fact that his best friend was very important to him before they got married? If so, perhaps her husband foolishly believed that their sex life would improve when they were married or that he could ignite some passion in her as their relationship deepened. If not (and from what I've seen of the world she certainly wouldn't be the first woman who's "interest" in sex took a nosedive once she had "bagged" her husband), who can blame him for growing distant from a wife who has no sexual interest in him?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 Ickle Magoo


    I think you are both right to a degree. Couples have to meet somewhere in the middle so both their wants and desires are met as much as possible. When that doesn't happen then resentment is just going to build and build, spilling out into other areas of their relationship. The husband may well be punishing his wife for not enjoying sex and not wanting to be sexually intimate with him by denying her any intimacy and showering affection on his friend...and she may well be withholding or not enjoying sex because of the unhealthy dynamics of being made to feel insignificant in comparison to his friend - and so the cycle continues.

    OP, I think third party intervention is required to try to resolve this issue once and for all - and if it can't be resolved or either you or your husband is not willing to meet half-way, then you have some big decisions to make as to what kind of marriage/life you want to have.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 681 Elle Collins


    Sleepy wrote: »
    who can blame him for growing distant from a wife who has no sexual interest in him?

    He didn't "grow" distant from her though. He was always emotionally distant from her. He let her know that quite clearly from the start.

    I personally don't think this relationship is worth saving, because I don't think a man who treats a woman that way is worth having. That is up to the OP though, obviously.


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,038 ✭✭✭✭ LegacyUser


    This is the first time I've seen such opposite replies in one thread

    It makes for baffling reading.

    One half of the responses make the husband out to be an evil monster with a dirty abusing gay lover and they are committing a gay affair right under the nose of the wife and child.

    (The only crime I can see that they've committed is sharing a duvet on the couch while watching tv?)

    The rest of the responses are seeing this as a beautiful friendship with a saintly kind caring husband who happens to be very close to the best friend he's had since childhood.

    I'm swaying nearer to the latter outlook, but all of the players are slightly wrong in this situation.

    By denying the husband of a sex life and friends, of course there are going to be problems in a marriage.

    By allowing your friend to become utterly dependent on you and fill a bigger part of your life than your wife, of course there will be issues. Somebody mentioned that maybe the husband doesn't want the friend to stand on his own two feet, maybe he likes being depended on, and that is very possible. There very well could be elements of that at play.

    By being sexually and physically abused as a child and surviving a heroin overdose of course your behaviour and perception of life and the friendships you have in it are going to be a tad abnormal to say the least. But that does not make this man an evil molester unless the OP has left something out of the story. I'm curious as to why the friend's ex won't let him see his own child.

    I'm curious as to why some of you are having such a strong reaction against the husband and his friend.

    What exactly have they done wrong, can anybody list the facts?

    Are some of those who are responding also very homophobic people and find the thought of two men being close generally very disturbing? Is that why people are uncomfortable about these men behaving as they do around the child? Is it better to hide the child away from the fact that there are gay people in the world? Or to hide her from seeing two men touching/hugging, because it might make her think it's okay to touch women in the same way?

    Miss fluff, why are you so sure these men are conducting an affair right under the wife's nose? Are we reading the same thread? Why is it dangerous for the child to be left alone with the friend who hasn't stepped out of line in a long time and who has never (that we're told) injured anybody or abused anybody's children?

    Toyota corolla, to call the friend "a degenerate waste of space" is frankly disgusting. The man certainly didnt ask to be abused as a child and for those who've been abused quite often the child becomes an adult who continues to self abuse because it's all they've ever known. It's not true in every case but I have worked with abuse victims and this story of drug abuse and self harm and sex issues rings true for many many people I have dealt with, as does confusion about sexuality.

    I think people are assuming way too much about this case. People are deciding that the husband is having an affair right there in his family home in front of the wife.

    Surely the two men had ample opportunity in the many years they've known each other to choose that life together if they so wished, before marriage and children?

    Surely a lot of the comments the wife is picking up on such as the husband saying 'my girlfriend' are being misread based on the fearful and suspicious outlook of the wife.

    Whether the husband has kissed or even slept with the friend preiously doesnt matter now. He chose to marry you op. He was fully honest and up front from the outset about how close he is to his friend. Were you as honest with him about your dislike for sex?

    There is a lot wrong in this relationship but I wouldn't bail out without talking about it first.

    Your husband sounds wonderful apart from the involvment of his friend.

    Is he really worth throwing away because your sister and a few people on here have decided he is having a gay affair?


  • Registered Users Posts: 23,457 ✭✭✭✭ Sleepy


    I don't think a man who treats a woman that way is worth having.
    I'd say the same of a partner who had no sexual interest in their partner (regardless of gender) tbh.

    Though, given the complexities of human sexuality (and human nature in general) these things can change and marriage counselling can be a catalyst for this. I'd encourage the OP to go into counselling with her husband with an open mind instead of seeing it as simply a tool to get her own way or to get a third party to back her up in thinking her husbands relationship with his best friend is unhealthily close. That may well be the case, tbh, it does sound a little co-dependent to me but the OP knew what she was signing up for when she married her husband.


  • Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,601 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭ Neyite


    OP, I think that the intimacy is gone in your marriage, - maybe he saw that he provoked a response from you when he did it with female friends, and since this seems to be the last friend he has left, perhaps this is why your husband is being flirty with his friend, to provoke you into fighting for him and your marriage. Not the smartest idea in the world, but maybe its the only way he knows how to get you to react to something.

    A marriage is a promise of an intimate relationship. Take away sex and you have a friendship, or flatmates. I dont understand why people who dont want a sex life, and dont intend to change that status choose to shackle someone else into a sexless relationship.

    So, there are two roads you can take. Leave the marriage, and leave him to this friend, or stay or fight for it. If you stay, then you have a have an ace up your sleeve, should you choose to use it - sex. A man is not going to drop everything in the middle of a steamy session with his wife for a mate wanting to play on the playstation. If you instigate a smoking hot sex life, your husband will be the one to choose not to hang out with the friend so much and you will not be the bad guy in the situation, in fact, quite the opposite.


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,038 ✭✭✭✭ LegacyUser


    When the child grows up she will resent the "best friend" too and this whole situation . OP dont let any posters try to fog your judgement whats going on is unacceptable .

    Why on earth would the child resent anybody because her father hugs his best friend?? That's the most ridiculous (homophobic?) statement I've seen here yet.

    Unless the mother spends the rest of her years instilling hatred in the daughter's head, I don't think there is any child out there who will automatically resent somebody merely for their presence in their life, or because their parent cares deeply for the person. Quite the opposite I expect.

    What specifically is so unacceptable about what this man is doing?


    Here ,here Elle Collins . Some of the posters to the OP earlier on are posting out their backside- with "ah isnt it lovely how close they are". Give me a break, the husband tries to project how caring ,compassionate and understanding he is working with the Samartians etc.
    He might be better of applying some understanding towards his wife.

    I think the husband is on a power trip he likes people to rely on him, seek his advice , deep down he would probably hate if his friend got himself sorted and moved on with his life because then it would not be the way it was maybe he is trying to cling on to the past.


    Why are you so determined to blacken the husband and his actions?

    I sense a lot of homophobia in this thread. I can't put those kind of assumptions down to anything other than a deep hatred and fear of gay people, and I don't even believe there is anything 'gay' in this relationship.

    Maybe the husband is simply a good person, who is happy to help others? Maybe he's a good guy in a bad marriage? Maybe he is the one who is deeply unhappy and it has driven him closer to his best friend who he confides in about the problems in his sexless, friendless, lonely, cold marriage?

    Why would you say he is on a power trip?

    I think the husband's actions speak a lot louder here. He does work with the samaritans and other charities (as does the friend according to the OP). He has stood by his friend through thick and thin.

    HIS friends - who I imagine know him very well - see him as a wonderful man, yet people here in this thread who are simply hearing hints of what goes on behind closed doors are assuming the man is some kind of nasty, evil bastard.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 166,038 ✭✭✭✭ LegacyUser


    8282828 wrote: »
    I've just re-read the OP's posts and I think people really are overreacting.

    I think the husband's friendship with his best buddy sounds absolutely lovely, it's a friendship I would truly long to have but unfortunately my best friend now lives overseas.

    I'm male and had a very deep bond with a childhood friend. We grew up together and became like brothers over the years. We don't see each other much now but I know there were many times through our 20s where we would lie on the couch watching TV or a film and if we were cold, we'd throw a blanket over the two of us. Is that gay now? Because back then we saw it as a way to keep warm.

    Don't you think that it's possible your husband is just very comfortable around his best friend and is relaxed enough and comfortable enough in his own sexuality that the fact that the friend may have messed around with his sexuality during his wild drug-fuelled years hasn't pushed your husband away?



    Quote:
    Originally Posted by brokenwife
    . He slept with anyone that would look at him, male and female. He self harmed, he put himself into situations over and over to allow himself to be abused.
    All of that is his problem, and he's dealt with it from what I can see.



    And perhaps I'm misreading, but you don't say anywhere that the friend ever had any long term gay relationships or anything of that nature. You say he allowed himself to be abused. Correct me if I'm wrong, I am speculating, but what I get from this is that the friend went through many blurry wild years (as a lot of perfectly decent people have) where he probably had a lot of one night stands and drunken wild antics. Perhaps some of this sex happened to include men. Perhaps because he was sexually abused, something psychologically drove him back to putting himself in a situation where he allowed men to have sex with him. You say he abused himself but not anybody else.

    This doesn't necessarily mean that he would ever wish to pursue a gay relationship.

    This certainly doesn't mean he would abuse your daughter (or anyone other than himself) as some people appear to be insinuating.

    Has he shown you any reason while spending time with your daughter that you feel it is a danger to leave her in his company? He is hardly the first person in the world to be around children who has dealt with some form of mental illness in the past.

    You say he has been steady and mentally okay for 18 months? Perhaps a lot of the drama and turmoil has dropped out of his life and has allowed him to finally settle down and be more steady. He is receiving on-going counselling, he seems to have worked his issues out but that's still not good enough for you or your family, because multiple times you mention his past, your lack of trust for him (I don't see anywhere he has damaged YOUR trust apart from him not telling you that his best friend had confided in him that he sent flirty text messages to someone - of course he didn't tell you, he is loyal to his friend) and how your family feel about his presence. He seems to be working very hard but his efforts certainly don't seem to be appreciated by you or your family and if he is spending such a regular amount of time with you, I'm sure he's picked up on that.




    Quote:
    Originally Posted by brokenwife
    The friend isn't all bad, he is extremely helpful with our daughter though it's taken me a long time to trust him to leave her alone with him (and I generally try not to which I know the friend picks up on)
    How do you think it feels for the friend to pick up on stuff like this? Don't you consider that your lack of faith or trust in the friend - and probable resentment - could really be upsetting him and perhaps not at all helping his mental wellbeing?



    From what I can gather he has been drug-free for 8 years now?

    This guy has had one hell of a rough deal.

    You mention the sexual abuse, the physical abuse, the breakdown of his marriage and loss of seeing his child like they are an afterthought in his life. You mention how annoying it was to have your husband talking about his friend's health all of the time. You really, really hate this poor guy, don't you?



    Quote:
    Originally Posted by brokenwife
    All my husband wanted to talk about was his friend’s journey, or medical stuff, and I just didn’t want to hear any more about him or his life.
    I'm getting the impression that you and your sister have been raised in a very sheltered environment, and are having the tendency to look down on those of us who have been less fortunate in life.



    Nobody chooses to be abused. Nobody chooses who their parents or family are. This poor guy probably felt he struck gold to have such a wonderful best friend who stood by him even though he probably let your husband down hugely with relapses, or whatever. And then you entered your husband's life and the friend thought that was it, that he had lost the only person who ever stood by him for good. But instead of trying to make friends with him and reassure him that you would never drive him out of your husband's life, you have done the opposite and are trying anything you can to get rid of him from your husband's life, then you wonder why he may be resentful?



    Quote:
    Originally Posted by brokenwife
    I think if his friend wasn't in the picture we would have the perfect life and it's wrong of me to say it but I've wished so many times he just wasn't around anymore.
    Are you insinuating that you wish he would just go ahead and kill himself? Because that is a really horrible attitude to have towards someone who has had such a raw deal in life.



    Have you at any point tried to see any of this from the friend's POV? You obviously have no experience of this 'bad background' the unfortunate friend comes from and you ought to count yourself lucky for that.




    Quote:
    Originally Posted by brokenwife
    To make matters worse our child sees him like some kind of second father as she spends so much time with him and my husband.



    Again, I find this comment upsetting. I would say your daughter is very lucky to have two men in her life who love her very much. Because one of them has had past demons should not be an issue here. Some of the best advice I ever received growing up was from my father's best friend.
    When I had a condom split and a pregnancy scare with a girl in my teens, I confided in my father's best friend. I saw him as my cooler uncle figure who could offer mature adult/parental advice without shouting at me about it and punishing me as my father would. This man has a lot of life experiences that could possibly come in useful should you allow him to be involved in your daughter's life in her teen years and later.

    You state that the friend's ex wife refuses to let him see his child. You don't think for a second that maybe the friend is compensating for the lack of access to his own child by spending time with your daughter? Did you ever think that these little things you detest are what could be getting this unfortunate man through his day?



    Quote:
    Originally Posted by brokenwife
    They hug constantly; my husband will always give his friend a quick squeeze around the waist or rub his arm as he walks past him. He doesn’t do this with me. They tell each other they love each other as friends every day. On the nights the friend decides to go home rather than waiting over, my husband will walk him to his car and hug him goodnight.



    I believe this is the one comment that has caused so many of those replying to come to the conclusion that these men are having some kind of seedy gay affair right under your very nose.

    I'm just not seeing that in this situation, at all.

    I'm seeing two very, very close friends, one who is weak and vulnerable, and the other who is being supportive and caring as possible.



    Quote:
    Originally Posted by brokenwife
    The friend was bisexual until cleaning up his ways around the time I first met him, I don’t know much about this.



    How much of this is speculation? Do you even know for a fact that the friend ever was bisexual, or are you just tainting him as overall 'dirty' because of the childhood abuse, and because he had some wild years?



    Quote:
    Originally Posted by brokenwife
    When I’ve begged my husband to end his relationship with this man, he has ended up breaking down in tears at the thought of not having the friend in his life


    IF you love your husband as you say you do, how could you put him through this? Why deprive him like that?



    Quote:
    Originally Posted by brokenwife
    All of his friends see it as adorable and see my husband as a saint for getting his friend’s life back on track. The friend regularly says that there were dozens of times he’d have taken his life or given up if not for my husband. He has no family (they sided with the sexual abuser who was a family member) and his other friends were all drug addicts so he doesn’t see them anymore.



    His friends aren't viewing him as a gay man having some seedy affair under his wife's nose. I imagine they are seeing him for exactly what he is, a very good, kind decent man. A man who volunteers for the Samaritans and helps out with other charities.



    Quote:
    Originally Posted by brokenwife
    Maybe if there wasn't a history of bisexuality in the friend, this wouldn't be as big an issue for me, but I have to question why my husband would allow himself to get so close to someone that can be attracted to him. Surely if this friendship was with a female, it would be totally inappropriate and if the friend is bi, is it not the same scenario?



    If you trusted your husband, you wouldn't need to worry whether his best friend is male or female. You should know your husband well enough to know if he is gay or bi. You have not indicated that you have any signs that he is other than some friends thinking he has camp mannerisms. You are digging for signs of 'gayness' that just aren't there. I really don't see anything to indicate your husband is anything more than a best friend to this man.



    Quote:
    Originally Posted by brokenwife
    Do I have the right to ask my husband if anything has gone on between them in the past? This is the one thing I feel I need to know.



    Of course you have the right, but I think you could look like an idiot for asking something like this, I'm sure your husband could find it quite baffling, and it could be quite embarrassing for you.

    I'd like to be seeing a little more evidence before accusing someone of anything as dramatic as a gay affair.

    Surely if your husband was conducting a gay affair he wouldn't be hugging his friend in front of you, or lying on a couch under the same duvet. Surely the fact that he does this stuff blatantly in front of you means it is innocent?

    Have you ever watched a soccer match and seen how the sportsmen behave when they score a goal? Does that make all of them gay?



    Quote:
    Originally Posted by brokenwife
    When we discussed this in the past my husband felt I should be thankful that his best friend is male as I had insecurity with him having female friends in the past and he cut these women out of his life (he sent flirty texts to one particular woman and she responded with nude photos), he blamed me for lack of sexual interest in him and said he texted this woman for an ego boost, we worked through it in counselling and rebuilt the trust and he no longer has contact with any women in that way.
    But maybe by stopping him from having female friends all I did was drive him even closer to his best male friend?


    So he's already cut all females out of his life, and now you want to take away his closest remaining male friend too? When you do get rid of this poor vulnerable friend, who will you eliminate from his life next? Because that's not going to fix your marriage. The problems you have probably have nothing whatsoever to do with the friend. You're just pushing your issues onto him as he's an easy target.



    Quote:
    Originally Posted by brokenwife
    My husband has never really shown any interest in men
    Then don't be so suspicious of his FRIENDSHIP with this man.



    It's very easy to judge situations like this from the outside and jump on the 'gay affair' soap-opera style drama wagon but sometimes there isn't anything deep and dirty just below the surface. Sometimes things really are as they seem. In this case, I think the OP is dealing with two men who are very, very close friends and that should be seen as a beautiful thing for two people to share rather than a dirty inappropriate probable affair that ought to be eliminated from the husband's life.

    OP I think you need to heed this insight/advice or at least consider it before making any further decisions.

    I think you need to sit down with your husband and talk this out as soon as possible because the longer you sit back biting your lip and watching for 'signs' of gayness, the more you will see. The more you will read into totally innocent situations. Every time your husband so much as sits too close to his friend, you will misread the situation.

    I think it's very important for your sister to back off here, and for you to evaluate the basic facts.

    Perhaps directly asking your husband about what is going on with his friend would be the best place to start. Cut out the speculation and go straight to the source.

    Get back into counselling, work out a schedule as someone suggested where his friend still gets to spend time with him but maybe not directly under your nose if it's upsetting you this much.

    Find out if there is anything untoward here before ending a marriage.

    Good luck OP


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,958 ✭✭✭ ceadaoin.


    Why on earth would the child resent anybody because her father hugs his best friend?? That's the most ridiculous (homophobic?) statement I've seen here yet.

    Unless the mother spends the rest of her years instilling hatred in the daughter's head, I don't think there is any child out there who will automatically resent somebody merely for their presence in their life, or because their parent cares deeply for the person. Quite the opposite I expect.

    What specifically is so unacceptable about what this man is doing?





    Why are you so determined to blacken the husband and his actions?

    I sense a lot of homophobia in this thread. I can't put those kind of assumptions down to anything other than a deep hatred and fear of gay people, and I don't even believe there is anything 'gay' in this relationship.

    Maybe the husband is simply a good person, who is happy to help others? Maybe he's a good guy in a bad marriage? Maybe he is the one who is deeply unhappy and it has driven him closer to his best friend who he confides in about the problems in his sexless, friendless, lonely, cold marriage?

    Why would you say he is on a power trip?

    I think the husband's actions speak a lot louder here. He does work with the samaritans and other charities (as does the friend according to the OP). He has stood by his friend through thick and thin.

    HIS friends - who I imagine know him very well - see him as a wonderful man, yet people here in this thread who are simply hearing hints of what goes on behind closed doors are assuming the man is some kind of nasty, evil bastard.

    I don't think any of the responses are homophobic? I think that regardless of the friend's sexuality, the seeming intensity of this friendship is in no way normal. From the OPs posts I gather that this guy spends most nights and weekends at their home as well as tagging along on shopping trips and days out. Sorry but I would have a serious issue too if I were in that situation and I don't think there are many people who would be ok with that tbh. When do they ever get to spend time together as a family, without him being present?

    It's like the friend has become a kind of surrogate wife and appears to be fulfiling all her husbands emotional needs, leaving her out in the cold. I really don't know if anything can be done to solve this OP. Anything you say would likely send him running to his friend for advice and comfort. Could you suggest a family holiday away from the friend where you could speak to your husband?


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,038 ✭✭✭✭ LegacyUser


    OP, just how much time is this man spending with your husband on a daily basis, or over a week?

    Is he tagging along with you on all family outings?

    Is he staying multiple nights per week in your home?

    I think that makes a difference to this situation also..


    And also why does he not have contact with the child he has had with his ex wife? Haven't they gone through the courts to arrange some kind of legal visitation or custody?


    Is your husband willing to go back into counselling with you to work through these issues?

    Were you both happy with how counselling went previously?

    Did you feel it was a success even though you have continued to live your life together with your husband sex free..?

    Do you think you could experiment with your husband sexually to get your marriage back on track, i.e. dressing up, trying new things, etc?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 11,255 Esoteric_


    First off, this is not an attack on either you or your husband, so please don't take it as such, I'm just giving an unbiased opinion as much as I can.

    I think you're both in the wrong, frankly.

    OP, I don't mean to be harsh here but you come across as extremely judgemental and downright snobbish in your posts. Yes, the guy chose to do drugs but unless you've been in a bad place mentally, as bad as this guy has because of his abuse, you cannot understand it and cannot comprehend how sometimes, it feels like drugs or other substances are the only available options to do something, anything, to get rid of the trauma and pain, at least for a few minutes. I'm not gonna lie, I've used very light drugs recreationally. Nothing like heroin or coke, though. Having been through a lot of what you describe the friend as having gone through, I can see it clearly from his point of view, and your husband's. The guy is probably deprived of love and care, and if the only person he gets it from is your husband, he is going to latch on to that because he doesn't want to be unloved and lonely (and I mean this in a purely platonic sense). I think, if I'm being totally honest, that you need to re-assess how you judge people. I've been in places similar to your husband's friend and although I've gotten through it now and am a well educated, successful, mostly happy person, there were many times I thought I'd never make it, which I'm sure the friend feels, too.

    However, I think your husband is being completely disregarding of your feelings and your needs. At the end of the day, I understand him being so close and even so touchy feely with his mate, but YOU are the person who should come first, or possibly second after your child. Once you're in a serious relationship, let alone marriage, friends come second, that's how it is and your husband needs to realise and accept that. He needs to treat you better, frankly.

    I really think that the two of you would benefit from relationship counselling, and possibly counselling on your own, because you both seem to have issues that need to be talked out and I think that maybe if you both went to counselling alone first, you could sort out in your own heads exactly what you need to express and how to express it when you go to relationship counselling.

    In short, I think you're both in the wrong, but you're both being hurt because of it and for you guys to fix things, you have to be able to talk and it seems that it would be best to have a counsellor acting somewhat as a mediator for you both to get your issues out in the open and fix things.

    Good luck.


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,038 ✭✭✭✭ LegacyUser


    Thanks again for all of your responses. This thread is really opening my eyes, I'm not a snobbish person in any way so I apologise if that's how I came across. I'm upset and maybe not expressing myself as I should.

    As regards my sex life, sex is just not something I can enjoy. It isn't a matter of changing positions or trying something new, maybe it makes me boring but I prefer to use my bed to sleep, I have long exhausting days and even if I did want sex I'm not sure I'd have the energy for it.

    Things were different up to probably the first year of marriage but I guess I had a kind of awakening that I was only ever going along with sex for the man's satisfaction while it did nothing for me as I have a very low sex drive.

    My husband took offense to this initially as he felt he'd had no problems previously and that I was insinuating he was doing something wrong but that's not the case, I just don't like sex - simple as. I don't see the point in biting my lip and going along with it though I did this for a long time.

    We talked through all of this in counselling and worked through it.

    I do see what you are saying about a loss of closeness but I find it bothersome that people will put that level of importance on a man placing his bits inside a woman. We sleep very close together when things are good, he'll hold me in my sleep all night and it's all very happy, just right now isn't good. I know my sister bugging me about this situation has dragged it all up in my mind again.

    My husband was adamant that he would never do counselling again as he came to the conclusion that it was the counsellor siding with me and he felt like two women were ganging up on him and criticising his every action. I was willing to see a male counsellor as I knew that anyone would form the same conclusions but he would not do further counselling. We did resolve the issues at that time, we continued to go to the sessions until we were both happy with the outcome but once it was over and we were back on track he swore he would never go again.

    I am having dinner with him this weekend so we can discuss this matter and I will be suggesting counselling or an end to the marriage (though that's easier said than done) but I feel like I already know he will just outright refuse to discuss this with an outside party.

    As stated above, I believe charity begins at home and while I know my husband does wonderful work to help out others I really wish he would make some of that same effort within his own home, for me.

    My sister and I have discussed in the past the co-dependency between my husband and his friend (though she didn't realise just how co-dependent until seeing them together) and she is convinced my husband never wanted his friend to get any better as he likes the friend being so dependent on him, he wouldn't be able to handle the friend taking full control of his own life again as he would be afraid the friend would mess it up. There probably is some truth to this though I'm no psychologist.

    I know for sure that the friend is bi, my husband told me this years ago. And as already mentioned my husband has joked about his friend having a crush on him, but I think it's joking about fact. In the early days of our relationship the friend was extremely jealous of me and even more clingy to my husband. He would have tried anything to get rid of me back then but I think because he's managed to get his own way and be the most important person in my husband's life, he doesn't need to interact with me at all now.

    What hurts me most is that my husband and the friend do talks to people with mental health issues and drug problems and my husband will introduce his friend to others as "the most important person in my life." Now he never uses this phrase directly to me but he knows I've overheard him use it.

    If I was to challenge him he'd tell me "it's just words to keep him happy" but everyone that's ever encountered all three of us together will comment about how fond of his friend my husband is, if we are in a crowded room his eyes will be on the friend - not me. I can't describe it properly, but it's all in his eyes and that's what upsets me most. Maybe I am reading too deep though?

    We like to attend the theatre from time to time (though rarely nowadays) and the last time we went I was all dressed up and while my husband said 'you look lovely' I felt he barely saw me as he was more distracted with the friend telling him "fix your shirt, fix your hair" before we entered the theatre. The friend had taken a female friend along with him. We happened to sit in such a way that my husband and friend were apart with me in the middle which met with endless scowling from the friend though he didn't directly say anything to me.

    Multiple times my husband leaned across me to comment on the play to his friend rather than discussing the innuendoes with me as though I wouldn't find them funny. At the break my husband was entirely concerned with watching the friend interact with the girl he'd taken with him and asking me if I thought they would get together or if the friend seemed to like her.

    Then at the end of the night he wanted to know why I was being cold to him but when I wasn't forthcoming with the answer (hoping he would figure of his own accord as it seemed blatantly obvious to me) he just turned back to his friend on the journey home asking him if he'd kissed the girl, if he liked her, if he'd meet her again.

    I discussed this with my husband a few days later and asked him why he needed to know so much about the friend's private life (as it concerned me that perhaps he didn't want the friend to enter a relationship with anyone) and he told me the opposite, that he liked the girl and would love to see the friend be with her and that she would look out for him well.

    Maybe I am reading into things too much but it's hard not to when I'm around it all of the time.


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,038 ✭✭✭✭ LegacyUser


    telltaler wrote: »
    OP, just how much time is this man spending with your husband on a daily basis, or over a week?

    He and my husband work together (though this is combined with just hanging around watching TV together) on weekdays from 8am to 5 or 6pm. Some of the work is done from home, sometimes they go elsewhere for work, sometimes they'll just not bother working and go fishing or cycling or other fun things they enjoy.

    I work from mid morning until usually around 8pm and generally when I arrive home the friend is there watching TV or playing games with my husband or finishing off their dinner. My husband will always have dinner done for me also, but usually him, our daughter and the friend will have eaten by the time I arrive home. The friend will generally leave when I arrive home.

    There is little I can do regarding their time spent together for 'work'.

    I go to the gym usually on Wednesday and Friday nights straight after work. It is usually near or even after midnight when I get home on those nights and I go straight to bed after.

    The friend is always there on those nights and sometimes they will be doing work stuff but usually they're just having fun or cozy watching a DVD. It always catches the friend off guard if I arrive home at my normal time on a Wednesday or Friday as he expects me to be at the gym and I can see he is very settled down for the night. On those nights, if he's very settled and asleep when I arrive home my husband will say "Leave him there" ahead of waking him to go home to a flat on his own. It isn't every week but it's quite common.

    He has a room in our house that was always 'his room' before I met my husband (the house we live in has been my husband's house for many years). They lived together at various times in their 20s. It's not that we don't have the space, we have a few spare bedrooms, but I don't like the fact that he has what he sees as 'his room' as it allows him to feel more at home here and is a big part of the problem. I have attempted to redecorate it on several occasions in the past and have cleaned his stuff out of it more than once (there is very little in the room now other than a couple of pairs of his jeans in a wardrobe, but he still sees it as his). My husband doesn't understand why I'd want to remove his friend from having a presence in the house.

    We do get one holiday a year without him, though he is in regular contact with my husband via text and e-mail. My husband takes frequent business trips with him and other co-workers and I will sometimes go along too, and these trips are usually like a holiday but the friend is stuck with us all the time.

    Weekends vary, again probably depending on how much I'm around (which makes him be around less).

    Sometimes he'll be under my feet constantly. He and my husband will be working on cars (another hobby they share) and they'll be in the garage together a lot. Some weekends he doesn't show up but my husband will go meet him somewhere for lunch. Other weekends he'll be there for a while Saturday but leave us alone on Sunday. It varies, but wherever he is he's usually in touch via text with my husband, and I know if my husband or the friend had their way, he'd live in our home full time, to "save him from being alone in a cold damp flat."

    I just feel that he made his own misery in life.

    I know he didn't choose to be abused and I haven't said that for a second. But it does bother me that the abuser was a member of his family (an uncle) and that his family sided with the uncle means there may be far more to the story than anyone has questioned. I find this a very odd reaction in the family and knowing how manipulative the friend is, I would question what really happened in the friend's home.

    The friend's version is that his family accused him of lying about allegations and disowned him when he tried to bring official allegations against the uncle. His mother is a very nasty woman from the brief encounters I've had I have been shocked, she's an alcoholic with a vicious temper, but he's probably gained a lot of character traits from her. I don't know anything about his father.

    telltaler wrote: »

    Is he tagging along with you on all family outings?

    Less so than he did in the early days. He seemed to have no concept of where he was not welcome in the beginning but I blame my husband for this to some degree as he's always encouraging the friend.

    Now, unless he happens to be in the house when we decide to go shopping or such, he won't tag along.

    telltaler wrote: »
    And also why does he not have contact with the child he has had with his ex wife? Haven't they gone through the courts to arrange some kind of legal visitation or custody?

    His ex wife wasn't a very stable person in her own right, and in that particular case, the friend actually isn't to blame. His wife cheated on him frequently during their brief relationship, denied a DNA test when my husband's friend requested it, he eventually went ahead and did a test behind her back and when she found out she banned the friend from seeing the child again as she took offense to him requesting a test.

    The child did turn out to be the friend's, but he does not have access as the ex wife refuses to comply with anything.

    He seems to have just given up and never discusses the topic now, or at least not in front of me.

    It's all typical soap opera stuff that my husband's friend seems to attract with any decisions he makes in life.

    It's easy to say that he has changed his ways now, but it's hard for me to accept that after a lifetime of drama his 18 months/2 years of good behaviour will last for too long.


    LyndaMcL, I apologise if I'm offending you in any way but it is very hard for me to identify with this man and his behaviour given that I have no experience of anything in his life. I think it is perfectly fair for me to not be comfortable around drug abuse, and the likes. I have never used recreational drugs or any other substances and I don't wish to. I also don't wish to be around people who have and do. The mess of a life that has been left with my husband's friend is enough to put me off any kind of drugs for good. I'm not telling anyone what they can or can't do with their lives, I just don't want to be near it.


  • Registered Users Posts: 58,495 ✭✭✭✭ ibarelycare


    Your husband doesn't want to be in a sexless marriage. You're not willing to change that.

    You don't want your husband to have his friend in his life. He's not willing to change that.

    If you don't want to change something that's a big issue for him, then why should he change something that's a big issue for you? I think you're just going to keep encountering stalemates with this marriage. It sounds like a very unhappy relationship.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,846 ✭✭✭ Honey-ec


    I can't believe the amount of people on this thread accusing the wife of being a homophobic snob who just won't let her husband have a normal friendship with this guy. There is nothing normal about his relationship with this bloke. He made a commitment to his wife when he married her and he has not followed through on that - she appears to come a very distant third behind this friend and her husband's charity work.

    Yes, the OP has issues with sex and they need to be worked on regardless, but I don't actually think they're a contributing factor here - the husband's relationship with the friend was at its current level before she ever came on the scene.

    OP, I really think you need to confront your husband about whether or not he is having a relationship (as opposed to a friendship) with this man. Everything you have mentioned so far would suggest to me that he is.

    And to all the people accusing everyone who thinks there's something up here of being homophobic - there's absolutely nothing wrong with being gay or being in a gay relationship. There is, however, something very wrong with one person in that relationship being in a straight marriage at the same time.

    And I find it very strange that pretty much every post telling the wife what a narrow-minded cow she is has been by people going unregistered.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,212 Susie_Q


    Hi OP,

    The relationship between your husband and his friend is abnormal. Even with some of my closest and dearest friends there is no way that I would want to work with them all day and then spend the whole night with them as well. Married couples need time alone and this doesn't mean a dirty weekend away - it can just be quality time chatting on the couch together.

    To be very blunt, from the descriptions of their relationship you have given I would be very surprised if something was not going on between them. You don't sound happy in this relationship and it doesn't seem like it's possible for things to change. Have you given any more thought to the possibility of leaving him?

    It sounds like an awful situation and I feel terrible for you. Please keep your head held high and remember that things will eventually get better - most likely with him out of your life. Best of luck.


  • Registered Users Posts: 622 ✭✭✭ Corkblowin


    OP, I know there are plenty more issues than your sex life with your husband. However it is one of the things that distinguishes a marriage from a very close friendship, which I'm afraid is all you have at the moment. You are entitled to your feelings and views on sex, however you must acknowledge the fact that it does have an impact on your husband.

    In fact from your posts it appears that you do not have in any way a more intimate relationship with your husband than his friend - they are more on a par as he will happily bunk down under a duvet, hug him, with plenty of touching and banter between them, all things that should be primarily reserved for his wife. So if the relationships are on a par and can only be seen as friendships as there is no special relationship between you and your husband (ie sex, intimacy etc), then I'm afraid the hard fact is that he prefers the friendship of the his mate to his friendship with you.

    So as I see it your choices are to either accept things as they are; try to rekindle you marriage to differentiate it from a strong friendship; or end the marriage and restart your life in the way you want to live it. None are easy.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 14,671 Wolfe Tone


    Your husband sounds like a great, caring man tbh.


  • Registered Users Posts: 23,457 ✭✭✭✭ Sleepy


    OP, I'm going to be very blunt about this: the only reason any man who has a libido stays in a sexless marriage is for the kids. His reaction to the idea of counselling would confirm what I initially suggested: you didn't resolve your issues as a couple, he resigned himself to his fate (probably thinking that he can have his life back once the kids are grown and he's "free" to leave you).

    Whether your marriage continues or not, you really should see your doctor / perhaps a counsellor about your lack of a sex drive. It's not healthy for an otherwise healthy person to have no interest in sex.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 14,671 Wolfe Tone


    Rather than gay, seems to me like your husband is like a protective big brother to his friend.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 Ickle Magoo


    OP,

    Rather than caring about what kind of friend he is, I think you really need to start looking at what kind of husband he is. Regardless of having very close friends, being caring and looking out for others, plenty of husbands still manage to have happy and successful relationships where their wives don't feel second best. You really need to work out things between the two of you as husband and wife - a team - and while I appreciate you see the friend as the cause of the issues, it's really you and your husband allowing him and the other issues to come between you - and that's what you need to discuss and reach mutual compromise/agreement on.

    If that isn't likely to happen then you have reached stale-mate; there are no options available beyond the status quo or separating. Both of you must be willing to change your behaviours if your relationship is to survive.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,176 Jess16


    I am astounded that some people are condoning this husband's behaviour -I would wager that the same people wouldn't tolerate their own partners carrying on like this!

    This third party relationship has all the hallmarks of an affair, which is exactly what it would be called if it were with another woman. Just because it's physical, mental and emotional intimacy with another man does not make it ok nor does it make it homophobic to find it utterly unacceptable.

    Start living your life on your own terms OP and stop facilitating other people's facades.


  • Registered Users Posts: 58,495 ✭✭✭✭ ibarelycare


    Jess16 wrote: »
    I am astounded that some people are condoning this husband's behaviour -I would wager that the same people wouldn't tolerate their own partners carrying on like this!

    This third party relationship has all the hallmarks of an affair, which is exactly what it would be called if it were with another woman. Just because it's physical, mental and emotional intimacy with another man does not make it ok nor does it make it homophobic to find it utterly unacceptable.

    Start living your life on your own terms OP and stop facilitating other people's facades.


    People are making a big deal over how touchy-feely the husband is with his friend, about him sharing a duvet on the couch with his friend, etc. If that was two women then there wouldn't be near as much outcry! My bf is extremely tactile with his male friends. He regularly hugs them, tells them he loves them, sits in bed (yes under the duvet) with them playing xBox. But I've never jumped to the conclusion that he's gay!


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,176 Jess16


    People are making a big deal over how touchy-feely the husband is with his friend, about him sharing a duvet on the couch with his friend, etc. If that was two women then there wouldn't be near as much outcry! My bf is extremely tactile with his male friends. He regularly hugs them, tells them he loves them, sits in bed (yes under the duvet) with them playing xBox. But I've never jumped to the conclusion that he's gay!

    Jumping to conclusions means there is no evidence to substantiate the claim. In this case, this woman's husband is sharing his home, his work, his daughter, his life -with another person. Regardless of whether it's another man or woman, it remains completely unacceptable


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,981 ✭✭✭ ElleEm


    brokenwife wrote: »
    I work from mid morning until usually around 8pm and generally when I arrive home the friend is there watching TV or playing games with my husband or finishing off their dinner. My husband will always have dinner done for me also, but usually him, our daughter and the friend will have eaten by the time I arrive home. The friend will generally leave when I arrive home.

    It sounds like he has his friend around as company. I don't think you can be angry that they have dinner, with your daughter before 8pm at night.

    brokenwife wrote: »
    I go to the gym usually on Wednesday and Friday nights straight after work. It is usually near or even after midnight when I get home on those nights and I go straight to bed after.

    The friend is always there on those nights

    Again, your husband has his friend there as company. You don't get home til midnight then you go straight to bed? It's nice that he has his friend there to chat to if twice a week he doesn't see you!


    It doesn't sound like much of relationship, TBH.

    I don't always agree when people say that your partner SHOULD be more important to you, as I have a great partner and a best friend, both who I love equally, (just in different ways!).

    But your husband is choosing to spend more quality time with his friend over you. He cares more about his feelings than yours, cares more about his appearance (at the theatre in the example you gave)than yours, he has hobbies with him, eats meals with him, watches TV with him etc. He is CHOOSING to do this with him and not you.

    If the friend vanished tomorrow, I still don't think your relationship would change for the better. It's not the friend that is the problem here.
    Your husband is living in a sexless marriage, and has more of a relationship with his friend than you.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,416 Danniboo


    brokenwife wrote: »
    telltaler wrote: »
    OP, just how much time is this man spending with your husband on a daily basis, or over a week?

    He and my husband work together (though this is combined with just hanging around watching TV together) on weekdays from 8am to 5 or 6pm. Some of the work is done from home, sometimes they go elsewhere for work, sometimes they'll just not bother working and go fishing or cycling or other fun things they enjoy.

    I work from mid morning until usually around 8pm and generally when I arrive home the friend is there watching TV or playing games with my husband or finishing off their dinner. My husband will always have dinner done for me also, but usually him, our daughter and the friend will have eaten by the time I arrive home. The friend will generally leave when I arrive home.

    There is little I can do regarding their time spent together for 'work'.

    I go to the gym usually on Wednesday and Friday nights straight after work. It is usually near or even after midnight when I get home on those nights and I go straight to bed after.

    The friend is always there on those nights and sometimes they will be doing work stuff but usually they're just having fun or cozy watching a DVD. It always catches the friend off guard if I arrive home at my normal time on a Wednesday or Friday as he expects me to be at the gym and I can see he is very settled down for the night. On those nights, if he's very settled and asleep when I arrive home my husband will say "Leave him there" ahead of waking him to go home to a flat on his own. It isn't every week but it's quite common.

    He has a room in our house that was always 'his room' before I met my husband (the house we live in has been my husband's house for many years). They lived together at various times in their 20s. It's not that we don't have the space, we have a few spare bedrooms, but I don't like the fact that he has what he sees as 'his room' as it allows him to feel more at home here and is a big part of the problem. I have attempted to redecorate it on several occasions in the past and have cleaned his stuff out of it more than once (there is very little in the room now other than a couple of pairs of his jeans in a wardrobe, but he still sees it as his). My husband doesn't understand why I'd want to remove his friend from having a presence in the house.

    We do get one holiday a year without him, though he is in regular contact with my husband via text and e-mail. My husband takes frequent business trips with him and other co-workers and I will sometimes go along too, and these trips are usually like a holiday but the friend is stuck with us all the time.

    Weekends vary, again probably depending on how much I'm around (which makes him be around less).

    Sometimes he'll be under my feet constantly. He and my husband will be working on cars (another hobby they share) and they'll be in the garage together a lot. Some weekends he doesn't show up but my husband will go meet him somewhere for lunch. Other weekends he'll be there for a while Saturday but leave us alone on Sunday. It varies, but wherever he is he's usually in touch via text with my husband, and I know if my husband or the friend had their way, he'd live in our home full time, to "save him from being alone in a cold damp flat."

    I just feel that he made his own misery in life.

    I know he didn't choose to be abused and I haven't said that for a second. But it does bother me that the abuser was a member of his family (an uncle) and that his family sided with the uncle means there may be far more to the story than anyone has questioned. I find this a very odd reaction in the family and knowing how manipulative the friend is, I would question what really happened in the friend's home.

    The friend's version is that his family accused him of lying about allegations and disowned him when he tried to bring official allegations against the uncle. His mother is a very nasty woman from the brief encounters I've had I have been shocked, she's an alcoholic with a vicious temper, but he's probably gained a lot of character traits from her. I don't know anything about his father.




    Less so than he did in the early days. He seemed to have no concept of where he was not welcome in the beginning but I blame my husband for this to some degree as he's always encouraging the friend.

    Now, unless he happens to be in the house when we decide to go shopping or such, he won't tag along.




    His ex wife wasn't a very stable person in her own right, and in that particular case, the friend actually isn't to blame. His wife cheated on him frequently during their brief relationship, denied a DNA test when my husband's friend requested it, he eventually went ahead and did a test behind her back and when she found out she banned the friend from seeing the child again as she took offense to him requesting a test.

    The child did turn out to be the friend's, but he does not have access as the ex wife refuses to comply with anything.

    He seems to have just given up and never discusses the topic now, or at least not in front of me.

    It's all typical soap opera stuff that my husband's friend seems to attract with any decisions he makes in life.

    It's easy to say that he has changed his ways now, but it's hard for me to accept that after a lifetime of drama his 18 months/2 years of good behaviour will last for too long.


    LyndaMcL, I apologise if I'm offending you in any way but it is very hard for me to identify with this man and his behaviour given that I have no experience of anything in his life. I think it is perfectly fair for me to not be comfortable around drug abuse, and the likes. I have never used recreational drugs or any other substances and I don't wish to. I also don't wish to be around people who have and do. The mess of a life that has been left with my husband's friend is enough to put me off any kind of drugs for good. I'm not telling anyone what they can or can't do with their lives, I just don't want to be near it.


    Wow this is really one of the most judgemental, snobbish, narrow minded OPs i've come accross, on reading part of this latest reply I just had to post. What do you mean because the family sided with the abuser that there must be more to it. That is often the case unfortunately in Ireland, but you obviously haven't experienced much outside your front door. OP you continue to judge this guy and express your disgust towards him. From reading your posts it seems that you went from a sheltered life straight into a cosy little life with a house waiting for you. You seem to put the abuse, sexuality, drug use, mental illness and everything else into one little package that seems to fit nicely for you in your quest to portray this guy as a monster. Well let me tell you anyone from any background upbringing could have been sexually abused, the fact this guy turned to drugs isn't entirely a decision he made based on what you've told us from a healthy mindset. You can't make statements like oh his mothers an alcoholic think thats where he gets his traits from, why because he had an addiction? You've stopped your husband having any female friends or friends altogether if you could, I understand why with the one who sent the pictures but what about the others. You describe making love to your husband as "putting your bits inside a woman" and you think your husband/husbands friend have a distorted view of sex/sexuality? Your husband sounds like a great man and from what you've described they spend time together when your in work and he leaves when you get home, he's already fed everyone and made dinner for you. He brings you breakfast in bed. You deprive him of sex. Sounds to me like your projecting all your own issues/narrow perceptions/problems onto his friend. They could be gay but it doesn't sound like there having a gay relationship to be honest. You say you don't trust this guy and are afraid to leave your child alone with him? Why? To be honest I find that hard to believe if you genuinely believed your child was at risk why would you allow him to be around your child so much?

    I'll be interested to see how many other things you pull out of the bag to try and make us agree this guy is a monster.

    P.S, his mother is her own person and her being an alcoholic is completely irrelevant to him having a friendship with your husband.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 7,842 ✭✭✭ shinikins


    I have to admit I agree with a lot of what Daniboo has to say. OP, your last post is absolutely seething with resentment towards your husbands friend, and if it in anyway expresses how you are in person, then I wouldn't balme your husband for wanting to spend more time with his best friend.

    One thing I take exception to is your assertion that there must be more to the story of the man being abused by his uncle as his family didn't side with him.
    I know he didn't choose to be abused and I haven't said that for a second. But it does bother me that the abuser was a member of his family (an uncle) and that his family sided with the uncle means there may be far more to the story than anyone has questioned. I find this a very odd reaction in the family and knowing how manipulative the friend is, I would question what really happened in the friend's home.

    The friend's version is that his family accused him of lying about allegations and disowned him when he tried to bring official allegations against the uncle. His mother is a very nasty woman from the brief encounters I've had I have been shocked, she's an alcoholic with a vicious temper, but he's probably gained a lot of character traits from her. I don't know anything about his father.
    You have judged this man and condemned him as guilty, you have no idea of the circumstance. I have a childhood friend who was in the same boat as your husbands friend0-she was abused by a close family friend. All her family believed the friend and she was accused all her life of being a liar, she was a troublemaker. She suffered depression because of this and tried on more than one occaision to kill herself, until finally, two years ago, a member of that persons family came out and said that they too had been abused as a child. My friend was manipulative too, she had to be in order to live a normal life and deal with what had happened to her.

    I don't think there is anything abnormal about your husbands relationship with his friend. What I'm reading from your posts is that you are immensely jealous of the friendship, and the fact that your husband hasn't got you on a pedestal. I'm willing to bet that you aren't overly affectionate towards him, or without affection in order to show your disdain for his friend. You have admitted that you don't bother to spend any time with his friend, you've tried to push him out of your lives and that is extremely unhealthy, obsessive behaviour.


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