Trolled by a coconut

smegmar wrote: »

Ok so here's what happened:

I had some guest coming this week and as is my tradition I thought we'd share a fresh coconut. I went and bought it maybe two days ago, and just today I saw some white coconut goo at the base, I thought to myself "bollocks it had a crack in the shell, air got in and it's all mouldy now". Still curiosity at a coconut so powerfully stale that it was forcing out it's own meat forced me to take it to a safe outdoor location to open it. As is my usual method I had a power drill and went at one of the eyes.

Normally the drilling takes 20-30 seconds, but this time only about 4 past when the coconut sprayed me with a powerful propulsion of gas and white matter. I stood in shock, expecting to be enveloped by the fetored stench of whatever such mould had build up all this gas, but no there was none. The slightest odor of a fresh coconut that had been opened. I was puzzled. If indeed this coconut was fresh then why did it build up such a powerful force of gas? I continued to drill two more holes and decieded the only thing to do was check the milk for discolourment. I did not want to throw away what could be a good and tasty coconut so it was worth further examination. Again on drilling the shell fell through in a matter of seconds, either a very weak shell or I'm getting better with the drill. So I preceded now to drain the coconut, that I had 3 holes for in and outflow of air and liquid. I tipped the coconut carefully over a small glass I had to hand. Any normal coconut would have half filled this glass, and with the amount of gas, I really didn't expect as much. As a started pouring I noticed that there was a strong flow of milk.

All the coconuts I have opened before started with a gush and quickly turned to a dribble, on this occasion it kept it's muster at full belt, and it kept flowing, and flowing and flowing. The normal sized glass almost larger then the coconut itself filled to the brim!! I now was sure that inside this little hairy brown shell was indeed a TARDIS. This coconut had displayed twice a total disregard for the laws of physics and volume capacity. I must know it's secrets. The only way to know for sure lay with a hammer and opening this coconut to the world. I gave the first mighty blow, the coconut resisted. I thrust a second mighty blow, the coconut again stud firm and resisted. I struck it again with a third mighty thump, the coconut split perfectly in two along a seemline. I gazed upon it, the innerds of a perfectly white fleshy coconut. With a last smirk, the defeated coconut managed to spill yet more unpoured milk upon my leggings as I took it closer for examination. I had indeed come across a coconut with white unblemished tissue and fowl manners. At the point of turning it to remove the outer husk I noticed green and blue hues that could be the signs of a fungal domination, and leaving me forlorn a messenger of inedible coconut. I was determined and spurred on by the smell and sight of creamy, delicious coconut flesh to somehow overcome this obstacle. Glancing around I managed to retrieve a carrot peeler. I would not let this coconut get away from me now, after the experience it had put me through. I began timidly, on a detached hanging segment, without any shell, held in place only by it's inner connection to the surrounding meat.

With ease I took sheats of the infected outer, I wield the peeler as a finely tuned instrument, producing perfect results. My mouth now salivating at the thought of sweetness to come. Time passed as if I was standing outside of it's realm. Soon I had it completely naked, gleaming white, sweating with juice and ready to be eaten. I held it high, in victory. I tell you now, I was delicate with my grip, so gentle, but the coconut, after all it's tricks had realized that I indeed had mastered it, had only one more inglorious trick to belittle me. I my hand, held high, it shattered. Mirroring my own anticipations and victorious self sense, it fell to pieces. Not one would remain in my hand, they rained, like the fiery rain of apocalypse, showering me with dew and and impacting my soul. Each piece guided by loathing for me found it's way to the filthiest, dirt ridden, infectious placing on the ground it could. I gave up, there was no more reason. The wily coconut had indeed taken me for a fool.
In my despair I thought of the little victory I had. Indeed I had a full glass of somewhat drinkable coconut milk. I swear upon my name as I checked the glass I found the coconut juice was effervescent. Yes, as carbonated as any cola on the market. Should that coconut have been a person, it was surely a witch. Thrice this coconut had baffled me in it's ways. This cloudy liquid confounded me baffled my grasp on science and reason. This breaks all logic and once more the coconut had crushed me, in body and spirit.

So I ask upon you now, with this vile expulsion of bubbling liquid before me, What should I do, and please tell me that this coconut is not the ultimate troll of time and space.