Am I Worrying About Nothing?

LegacyUser · 23-09-2011 11:03AM

OS119 wrote: »

a marriage is about what both parties want - and nothing in the OP's posts suggest that there is a sliver of a difference in what the OP and her partner want.

nothing in the OP's posts suggest that her partner enjoys his parents company, nothing in her posts suggest that he wants them at his wedding, nothing in her posts suggests that he is looking forward to this 'day out' with unbridled enthusiasm.

the evidence is blindingly obvious - if the OP's partner really wanted them at the wedding, but the OP was being nasty about it, then the wedding wouldn't be going ahead.

it is going ahead.

ergo, the OP's partner doesn't really want them at his wedding, and its therefore not an unreasonable leap of logic that he's not wildly keen on spending a day with them.

OP, my advice would be to be a bit clever. you have three objectives: (i) to not go to this day out, (ii) to establish an atmosphere of equals in the relationship between you and your MIL, and (iii) to maintain some semblance of a relationship with your in-laws incase you and your partner need their assistance/love and respect* in the future.

so, cancel the current arrangement on the basis - probably true - that you will both be tired after travelling back from the honeymoon, and that you'll both have piles of work to catch up on (objective i). re-arrange a date within a month of your return that is more convenient to you, go on it, smile sweetly, and play the dutiful daughter-in-law (objective ii - you'll be sociable, but by cancelling and re-arranging you've shown that you're not a pair of 6 year olds to be told where to be and when), and by not telling his parents to fcuk off and die in a barrel of camel p1ss, you maintain what passes for the relationship for the future.

good luck, make sure you and your partner really are on the same page, and enjoy your lives - they are your lives, not his parents to get upset or offended about.

*yeah, right...

Finally some useful advice for the OP.
Seems everyone else was too busy focusing on the fact the OP seems 'more interested in money',
and misinterpreting the OP thinking she is selfish for not wanting to be with a person who clearly doesn't treat her well.
We don't know the whole story or what the exact truth behind everything is, so its very harsh to assume and criticise the OP based on what you believe to be the truth.
It is up to the OP's fiance to discuss and decide with the OP how the wedding goes(in this case just the 2 of them with witnesses and no family).
As regards the dinner with the MIL, I would suggest you attend out of courtesy, even if it ruins your day. Its one day and potentially the last time you have to meet his family.(You dont HAVE to, but it would be a great gesture of you to attend).
Some people tend to be bossy, so just let your MIL have this one day for her married son.

Big Bag of Chips · 23-09-2011 12:34PM

OS119 wrote: »

nothing in her posts suggest that he wants them at his wedding, ...

He told them about it.... If he didn't want them there he could have gone away, gotten married and told them when he got home.

OS119 wrote: »

nothing in her posts suggests that he is looking forward to this 'day out' with unbridled enthusiasm....

Never once does she mention he doesn't want to go, her entire last paragraph is about how much she is dreading going.. no mention of him

givetheopabreak wrote: »

Some people tend to be bossy,

The Original post was peppered with "I" and "me", not "us" or "we", which makes me think that the OP is as capable as her future mother-in-law at being bossy... and maybe her future husband is keeping his head down and trying to please both side of the camp for the sake of a quiet life!

As mentioned - nobody on here knows the back ground, the history or the personalities, but OP, in your original post you showed all the tendancies that you seem to dislike so much in your mother-in-law... Without mention of your boyfriend!

Something to think about maybe?

EDIT: I meant to add, that I totally agree with having the wedding you want (as a couple!). If I was to do it again, I would have a much smaller affair - just family and a couple of close close friends. So I'm not dismissing your idea for your own wedding, just maybe suggesting that you are being a bit over the top about his parents? As you said - if your own parents were around, you would like to have them there to see you getting married. It doesn't have to be about cost either. I'm sure if his family really wanted to be there, they wouldn't mind going out for dinner in a restaurant and each paying for their own. But that's not the issue..

Keep your wedding exactly as you (both! keep stressing that point!!) want it. But go to the "family day out" with good grace.

23-09-2011 12:52PM

I can see things from your point of view OP, however, Im sure most people agree that marraige is about finding the middle ground, and when you marry a person, you marry their family as well, its a fact, so if it were me i would take the easier road, the road that sucks it up and gets on with the mother in laws plans for the day.

unfortunately you cant choose your inlaws, wouldnt the world be such a lovely place if you could? so you just have to plaster a smile on your face and meet her halfway. Dont let the worry of the impending day cast a shadow on your honeymoon hapiness, you only get one honeymoon. Sure you can have other holidays but its not the same.

OS119 · 23-09-2011 01:11PM

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Something to think about maybe?...

ordinarily yes - everyone knows that posts in PI are rarely a masterclass in even-handed truth-telling. however, given the detail the OP has gone into regarding what the partner has said to his parents, and what the couple themselves have said to each other, i find it difficult to believe that there is any conflict between the OP and his partner on this issue.

the 'no, don't bother going to any trouble' comment is, for me, incredibly telling - that seems to me to be about as clear a 'p1ss off' as its possible to say without just putting the phone down. if he was henpecked or uber-submissive he, imv, would of made excuses about the venue or somesuch, but 'don't go to any trouble' is just another version of 'i've got to let you go, i've got stuff to do', or 'its not you, its me'.

all are polite versions of 'i'm trying to be polite, but just sod off'...

Am I Worrying About Nothing?

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