Am I Worrying About Nothing?

LegacyUser

I'm getting married to my long term partner next week. Its a tiny affair with just 2 close friends as witnesses and then wer'e off on honeymoon straight after. All arranged at quite short notice and done on the cheap - we can't afford a big do and my parents are passed away. My boyfriend has now told his parents and while I've always got on reasonably well with them, the last couple of years I've began to not get on that well with them and find them rude and quite selfish.

Anyway, his mother invited themselves down to the ceremony, but was gently persuaded not necessary, so she has phoned me up to organise something for the weekend after the honeymoon. Quite nice you would think, but never so simple with her in control. So I was "told" I would have to have x date free to visit them, all day, "no meeting with other friends in the evening of off doing sports". A day out followed by a meal would be arranged, as it would be cheaper that day than a Friday or Saturday night. (bit gobsmacked and hurt at that as his parents are loaded, 2 houses with no mortgage and constantly buying new cars and motorhomes). We would be meeting with his brother and sister and their very young children, so would have to go somewhere with facilities for the children to play. I get on ok with the brother and sister and their partners, but have nothing in common with them, how can I say this but they are all very overweight and have health problems and allergies, although quite young, which seem to prevent them doing anything outdoors like going for a walk.

To be honest, I am utterly dreading this day. If you could take all the ingredients possible to to make a day unpleasant for me, this would be it. I feel his mother is only organising it out of duty, not because she wants to see me, and I just don't want to go. I see his family at Christmas and other significant occasions, and I'd far rather spend time with my friends. I'd rather have a present, but I know what she's like with money and she will be doing this to avoid buying a present. Do you think I should make myself go, grit my teeth, bite my tongue when she's rude and controlling, and be miserable, or can anyone think of a great excuse to use so it doesn't go ahead without seeming rude?

ibarelycare

Try and see it from your mother-in-law's point of view. She's not getting to be a part of her son's wedding. She's organising getting the whole family together and bringing you all out for the day and you're complaining and thinking of yourself. You're the one who's coming across as very selfish. Your post is full of I's and me's. This isn't all about you! There's not a mention of your poor husband in your post. You would rather spend the day with your friends. Eh, they're his family, have you even thought about that?

I think you're being extremely ungrateful and a complete madam, especially with the comment about them not wanting to bring you out on a Friday or Saturday because it will be more expensive...who are you to dictate how much she should spend on you? And you haven't invited them to be a part of the wedding and want to spend as little time as possible with them, yet you think you deserve a present?!!

It's not in any way unreasonable for a family to expect to celebrate together when a marriage happens and considering they're not going to be a part of the actual wedding, then I don't think it's much to ask for you to give up ONE day of your precious time to spend with your husband's family, who are soon going to be your family too.

Big Bag of Chips

".... (bit gobsmacked and hurt at that as his parents are loaded...."

Do you not think THEY are a bit gobsmacked and hurt that they are being actively excluded from their sons wedding?

You are coming across quite selfish I must also say. For the sake of one day allow them celebrate their son's wedding.

Maybe she "told" you to keep a date free because she knew that you would most probably try to leave early. It's no harm preferring to spend time with your friends than your inlaws... but it's also no harm spending one day, for quite a significant occasion, with your inlaws without making excuses and leaving.

I wonder if your parents were alive would you be having a different sort of wedding?

LegacyUser

Well obviously I'm a horrible person because I just have this feeling of not wanting to dread this day all through my honeymoon. His mother hasn't "been excluded" in any way from her son's wedding - we are simply having a very basic marriage ceremony with no-one there but witnesses because we simply do not have the funds to host a massive ceremony and reception afterwards. His parents live quite a long way away and never visit, so the only contact has been when we visit them, which I have done many times. But his mother has a habit of creating arguments and scenes out of nothing, which makes me feel really uncomfortable in their house, and my reaction is to avoid it as much as possible. Without going into detail, she has made some extremely insensitive comments about my parents being dead and since then I see her in a different light and basically I don't like her and can't relax in her company.

Added to that, my parents died relatively recently, and I simply don't feel like having a big ceremony. It feels disloyal somehow to my parents as they would have ensured I had whatever wedding I wanted and I would have loved for them to be there to see it. I simply wanted the wedding to be my day and my fiance's day, not anyone else's, my fiance is completely independent of his family, and it is him I am marrying, not his mother. I had no idea that being sensible and not splashing around cash that we do not have on a wedding for other people to enjoy would offend people.

Betty Draper

:eek: I am shocked at your attitude :eek:

i am having a very small wedding as we are not into the big fuss, 16 people at a registered office thingy.

we are still inviting our parents.

Why not just let her go to the registry office ? its not like you have pay for them to attend

LegacyUser

Betty Draper wrote: »

:eek: I am shocked at your attitude :eek:

i am having a very small wedding as we are not into the big fuss, 16 people at a registered office thingy.

we are still inviting our parents.

Why not just let her go to the registry office ? its not like you have pay for them to attend

She isn't being prevented. My fiance phoned them and told them 2 nights ago and it was he who said not to bother travelling all the way for it at such short notice. She didn't seem all that keen, to be honest, I don't think she likes me very much and only offered out of duty. We just wanted it to be the two of us and then off on our honeymoon. In our naiveity, we thought it would be romantic to keep things simple and private, and not about spending loads of money or putting on a big show.

Obviously I have done everything wrong and am making a complete fool of myself. I'm really upset now, I feel like an idiot. I had no idea I could offend so many people or come across as selfish or shocking simply by getting married in a quiet way. I just didn't want any complications. Its upsetting enough not to have your father walk you down the aisle or your mother there to see you, never mind dealing with a mother in law who you suspect doesn't like you very much and has a tendency to create scenes.

catch me if you can

I am astounded you have not invited your hubands parents to ur wedding., what an awful thing to do. you sound like a very controlling demanding woman. and your husband to be clearly has no back bone. he should have told you in no uncertain terms that his parents would be going. how awful and rude of you . and how nice of the mother in law to still talk to you. cos i certainly would not if i was her.
just because your parents are dead does not mean your husband has to treat his parents like they are dead. you just sound like awful people.

CathyMoran

OP I am sorry for your loss. I lost my mother recently and as a result it will feel wierd when my brother marries. I do think that in-laws can be very insensitive but they mean well, you are not marrying them but their son's marriage is a huge deal and unless you are eloping they should at least be there. To cut down on costs could you just have them as your witnesses?

analucija

Apprehensive wrote: »

Added to that, my parents died relatively recently, and I simply don't feel like having a big ceremony. It feels disloyal somehow to my parents as they would have ensured I had whatever wedding I wanted and I would have loved for them to be there to see it. I simply wanted the wedding to be my day and my fiance's day, not anyone else's, my fiance is completely independent of his family, and it is him I am marrying, not his mother. I had no idea that being sensible and not splashing around cash that we do not have on a wedding for other people to enjoy would offend people.

Your wedding day is not the issue. But what do you expect from your boyfriends parents? To mail you the present or even better a cheque and forget about the whole thing? God forbid you would have to spend some time with your boyfriends family. If it is such a chore meeting them then maybe you shouldn't get married or at least not have children. Imagine how it will annoy you when they'll want to see their grandchildren. You do not marry just one isolated person, you marry somebody with friends, family, co-workers and sometimes you have to do things that you dislike to make them happy. You know all the sharing and stuff that is usually part of wedding vows.

Wedding and honeymoon will be yours, make a bit of a sacrifice and allow your husband to be and his family a little bit of celebration. Or you can make an already strained relationship even worse and the person suffering the most will be your husband.

Oryx

OP, I know you and your partner want your wedding to be a certain way. But whether you want it or not, you are beginning a permanent connection to his family. It helps no one to start off on the wrong foot. These people are part of your oh's life, and you have to accept them in your life. There is no point standing up for your own principles if it is going to cause you nothing but hassle in the long run. In the interests of a peaceful beginning to your married life, please meet this woman half way, paint on a smile, and play happy for one day. Its not a huge sacrifice and it will pour oil on the troubled waters your unconventional approach to your wedding may have caused. She may not understand and feel quite offended at being left out of her sons big day. Be the better person and give her her own day for him.

Lollipops23

OP why would you waste time sulking about it over the honeymoon? It's just ONE day, they're not going to ruin your intimate wedding so let them have this one.
Sounds like you're chucking your toys out of your pram on this one tbh.

LegacyUser

Apprehensive wrote: »

Its upsetting enough not to have your father walk you down the aisle or your mother there to see you .....

Yet his family's presence is not wanted on the day itself?

I get on ok with the brother and sister and their partners, but have nothing in common with them, how can I say this but they are all very overweight and have health problems and allergies, although quite young, which seem to prevent them doing anything outdoors like going for a walk.

So your OH's sibs aren't horrible people, they are just people with whom you have nothing in common. They might feel the same about you but make the effort for family.

um7y1h83ge06nx

I don't see how inviting his parents would balloon the costs of the ceremony. I'm also shocked that your fiancé would not want his parents to be there.

Being honest I'm always aware of keeping my OH's family on side. I have started visiting my girlfriend's grandfather one night a week for a cup of tea and a chat. He's an interesting man so it's not a bother. The girlfriend and I also hypothetically discussed how we would see our wedding if we go down that route (getting serious!) and who would be the main people in the wedding. I said that my brother would be the bestman and I would like her brother to be a groomsman as I would like him to be involved with an "official role".

Now in fairness they are nice people but even if they weren't I would try and keep the peace. No point making life tough for myself but making enemies out of them.

Neyite

OP, its not just a wedding. It's a marriage. For life. This is what you are promising your future husband. And he comes with family you may get on with to a greater or a lesser extent, but thats how he comes.

You are having an unconventional wedding - I appluad that, but its many a mothers dream to see their son/daughter marry. It may even be that she is embarrassed to admit that she was 'gently pursuaded' not to go by her own son. Thats gotta hurt. Whatever your personal feelings towards the woman, dont you think she feels hurt?

Lots of mammies are bossy - my mother is desperate, and god knows how my OH keeps his cool sometimes but he knows that if he stands up to her, its me that gets caught in the middle. And he loves me too much to cause me that upset over something fairly trivial.

This is the first of many family get-togethers. There will be many more Christenings, Christmasses, Birthdays, Funerals, you name it. You need to endure it for your husbands sake. Thats what marriage is.

username123

When I was getting married we had planned a small registry office wedding with a meal afterwards, around 16 people - including my parents in law, my own parents are dead.

In the months before the wedding my mother in law became very interfering and began to invite other people to the ceremony and for dinner afterwards - completely out of order imo as we specifically only wanted the 16 or so people we wanted. The brother in law had become a little interfering also - but not to the level of inviting other people to the event.

In the end, partly because of the level of interference, we actually eloped and had NO ONE at our wedding. We phoned home afterwards and the only people who were not delighted for us were the mother in law and brother in law.

We continued on our honeymoon and the mother in law phoned a few times and left very caustic messages about how she was so pleased for us BUT she felt awful she hadnt known about it (no one knew), and wished she had been there and on and on - btw I actually get along fine with her and quite like her but she can be a very selfish woman.

Anyway, we came home and upon collecting us from the airport we were informed that we had to attend a family night out (with the inlaws and respective partners), for dinner and drinks - and we were not to sidle off early after dinner. SO we went to the dinner and after the meal, the brother in law took my husband aside and said that as the father in law was a bit broke it wouldnt be right to get him to pay for dinner so could my husband and brother just split it between them. SO my husband paid half the cost of the family meal for his own wedding celebration that he had not organised - we did laugh about that but really!!!

We never got a present from anyone in his family either but didnt mind about that. We did have a party a couple of months later to celebrate the wedding with family and friends and there was a lot of interfering for that too which we just ignored. We also were asked to attend a party in the parents in laws house to which they invited various aunties and friends - but we invited some friends to it too and it was fun. and much as it wasnt something Id have chosen to do, his mother went to a lot of trouble preparing food and loaded the guests up with booze and was the picture of an amiable hostess - even though she was still secretly fuming.

Anyway - the moral of that long story is this - my mother in law still thinks we were selfish gits to elope off and tell no one - she doesnt know her own behaviour partially prompted it. However, in concession to our eloping off secretly we did go to (and half pay for lol) the family dinner afterwards and even though it was a restaurant I dont like and the tone was a little sarcastic from the mother in law about us being selfish gits, we went in good grace and just got on with it.

When you genuinely get the wedding you want, it seems to be fair to go along with a few bits and pieces that you dont want just to keep the peace and be nice to people.

I dont think youre horrible or selfish OP - I totally understand why you wouldnt want to go to the day out if youre not into his family and his parents make you uncomfortable, but you should remember that its only one day, it will help keep the peace, you get to have the wedding you want and after the day out you can go home and think 'well at leasts thats done now'.

LegacyUser

sunflower27 wrote: »

It's not like her life depends on you getting together on the day she has chosen. Sounds like she is digging in the old heels in a 'well, I may not be going to the wedding, but you'll meet me afterwards on my terms'.

That is my belief. When I have visited them she has been very controlling as soon as you get on her "territory" - the "not in my house" line is one of her favourites and ordering me around. I now don't want to visit because it always involves them getting me to run around doing errands and providing free work for them in my field, with protests that I need to be elsewhere brushed aside. I'm just fed up of it. They never visit my fiance in the part of the country he lives in, and never have done even once, in the twelve years he has lived here, even though they drive past it on the way to one of their holiday homes. I find them strange and I don't think they are even particularly interested in their son, my fiance or his sister, whearas they absolutely dote on his brother, and I don't like getting drawn into it, so my reaction is to keep contact to a polite minimum.

I guess I will have to go to the day out, although I am pretty sure she will use it as an opportunity to somehow express her disappointment over me, the wedding, things not being good enough, whatever, by making her usual cutting insults.

Username123 - thank you for sharing that and making me feel like I am not the only person to have a small, no fuss wedding.

Turns out that my fiance left it up to them, (well his mother) whether they come down for the wedding or not and simply told them not to go to any trouble or inconvenience themselves, knowing they don't like paying for hotels and our house is too small, and its their choice not to come but that we should visit them the weekend after we return from honeymoon. Perhaps we should have formally invited them, but it simply didn't occur to me; I simply don't see them regularly enough as we live in a different part of the country and my fiance didn't suggest it or think of it either for some reason. I don't know why I didn't think about these things, there are so many things now I am thinking I should have done but simply didn't think of.

Big Bag of Chips

Why don't you start standing up for yourself against her. If she says something cutting to you, pull her up on it. Challenge her. It is possible to do without being rude it confrontational about it.

She will speak to you and treat you as you allow her to.

Figure out a good response that you know will work when she starts and say it. You might feel uncomfortable the first couple of times you stand up to her. But it will get easier, and less necessary as she will figure out that you won't allow her to speak to you like that.

I wish you luck with your wedding and marriage. Go for the day out. Have your answers ready for whatever you think she might say, and be confident in your choices. Don't be bitchy, but do stand up for yourself.

karen89

could i make a little suggestion......how about instead of asking all us strangers about this that maybe you actually sit down and ask your future husband what he wants and how he feels about his parents not bing at his wedding!!!

zxcvbnm1

I have to say i think the OP is also throwing the toys out of teh pram.

Suggesting the honeymoon will be ruined due to dreading this one day afterwards is a definitely selfish and a bit of an extreme reaction in my opinion.
The in laws wanted to travel but were told there was no need i.e. effectrively told they weren't wanted.

They were obviously going to be offended by this.
Instead they bit their tongue and then only went off and organised a day out to celebrate the wedding instead. (They are entitled to celebrate their sons wedding).
Lets face it - it is only 1 day - and of course they want to be part of teh celebration.
You may say they are organising it on their terms - but they didn't have much choice really did they.

Saying that only you know your mother-in-law and she may well be an absolute b1tch.
But to be honest - by the tone of your posts my own guess - as is a lot of others - is that you ar epossibly being a bit self-centred on this issue.

Saying that only you know your mother-in-law and the situation best.

bellylint

Hiya op, you have your reasons and I wont fault you with that. Have the wedding the way you wish it, its your day. For the sake of that they are his family and for the sake of one day I would go to the day that she is trying organise. Try to enjoy it if you can but try to keep it civil. Consider it a small price to make things a bit easier for you and the person that you want to spend your life with. At the end he cannot change that they are his family and you dont know what the future will hold on that front.

Kablamo!

Apprehensive wrote: »

Its upsetting enough not to have your father walk you down the aisle or your mother there to see you, never mind dealing with a mother in law who you suspect doesn't like you very much and has a tendency to create scenes.

Your fiance is being denied this pleasure too.

zxcvbnm1

Apprehensive wrote: »

Perhaps we should have formally invited them, but it simply didn't occur to me; I simply don't see them regularly enough as we live in a different part of the country and my fiance didn't suggest it or think of it either for some reason.

I just noticed this bit now.

OP - this bit doesn't stack up at all. No one simply forgets to invite their parents / parents-in-law to their wedding.

To suggest this is simply not credible at all for one second. You have lost all credibility in my book on this issue.

You are clearly attempting to either deluse yourself or delude us.

OP - whether you care to admit it or not you are indeed being self centred.

How would you like it if in years to come you were pressurised into not attending your own childrens wedding?
How would you feel then?

analucija

Kablamo! wrote: »

Your fiance is being denied this pleasure too.

This is a bit extreme. You don't know if her fiance wants them there or if they want to be present at such a small ceremony. Not everybody wants the same and I know quite a few people who married without any family members present. I even know a couple who had a civil service, went for lunch with their witnesses and then back to work.

I do think that op should have a bit of celebration with boyfriend's parents if they wish so but she shouldn't guilty about them not being at the wedding because nobody else is (except those who are needed). It would be probably less hassle though if they would get married during their honeymoon wherever it is. Then you have perfect excuse why nobody was invited.

Taltos

Folks,

This is an advice forum - please keep replies on topic and helpful to the OP.
There are other ways to get your advice across other than insulting the OP.

Be aware that off-topic and unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum.

If you haven't already done so, please take the time to read the forum rules in the charter.

Any further posts insulting the OP may result in a Warn / Infraction / Ban.

Taltos

um7y1h83ge06nx

I've been thinking about this and the options.

If it was you that doesn't want his parents there - look at my previous post and consider what this might do to your future relationship with your in-laws, and even with your fiancé. A proper sit down chat with him should be done.

If it was your fiancé that doesn't want his parents there - discuss it with him and make sure he has thought thoroughly if it is the right decision for him. If it is the right decision for him I would encourage him to clarify that with his parents. He should let them know it's his decision and wasn't yours, then you avoid being the big bad wolf in the situation.

If the parents indicated they don't want to come - It's a bit strange being honest and I wouldn't blame you to feel annoyed.

I guess you really need to clarify exactly where each party stands. It's a little unclear who really made the decision that they are not coming.

EDIT - Hang on I missed this from your initial post "Anyway, his mother invited themselves down to the ceremony, but was gently persuaded not necessary"

That leaves option 3 out as they wanted to come. So did I guess it's either option 1 or 2 or both?

EDIT2 - Sorry! Just saw this too "She isn't being prevented. My fiance phoned them and told them 2 nights ago and it was he who said not to bother travelling all the way for it at such short notice."

So your fiancé doesn't want them coming? Fair enough. I presume it was a "I don't want you to come" sort of don't bother coming rather than a genuine don't put yourself out as most parents would travel continents to go to their child's wedding. So if it's option 2 may sure they know it wasn't your choice to not want them. And if it was me I would definitely go to this day after the honeymoon.

thefeatheredcat

OP, have the wedding that you and your fiancee want and enjoy it! Do that for yourselves, and enjoy it and don't worry about your inlaws.

I think you are worrying over nothing here and making an issue out of a non-issue. If she wants to organise a day out for whatever reason, either to celebrate your wedding or just have a family get together, then let her. Let her get on with it for whatever reasons it may be that she is organising something, and just know that all you have to do is show up. If she's not going to be there for the day itself (which I actually can understand given your recent loss) then just go with the flow on this and let her do her thing. You have the choice to squabble and battle her and the situation and be consumed with negative feelings towards her, but it just isn't going to be worth it.

This could be the very opportunity that she has looked for to make things up to you or do something special for you. You probably aren't going to see that right now, but afterwards, who knows you might even enjoy yourself. I'm not saying go to please her/your fiancee/the world and judgement, I'm just saying give it a chance and see what happens.

as for worrying about it on your honeymoon? Don't. Put it aside before you get married and don't worry about it until you get back from honeymoon. Things that you can sit there all day dreading the time of coming, can be a lot of time sitting wasting dreading something and putting too much focus on something that makes an issue for you, causes worry or stress or creates negative feelings.

iguana

zxcvbnm1 wrote: »

I just noticed this bit now.

OP - this bit doesn't stack up at all. No one simply forgets to invite their parents / parents-in-law to their wedding.

To suggest this is simply not credible at all for one second. You have lost all credibility in my book on this issue.

You are clearly attempting to either deluse yourself or delude us.

What are you on about? She said formally invite them, ie get a fancy coloured piece of card with X &Y invite you to the celebration of their nuptials on the Ath of the B at 2pm in C place printed on it, not invite them, which her fiancé has clearly done over the phone.

The OP is not having the type of wedding with the fancy coloured pieces of card but she is wondering if her fiancé's parents were expecting it and did not realise that a spoken invitation was a genuine invitation.

Daisy M

sunflower27 wrote: »

I totally second standing up for yourself.

I've met women like the mother in this case, OP. Usually it is the case that they have been getting away with this sh*t for years.

She has no right to speak down to you or humiliate you or get you to work for her.

She's out of order, but you are enabling her by doing nothing.

All the best on your wedding day

And what about the type of woman who because her own family will not be at her wedding due to bereavement, deicdes her inlaws should not be either. She does say that if her parents had been alive then then her father would walk her down the aisle and how upsetting it is that he and her mother wont be there. There seems to be no consideration for anyone elses feelings but her own. She describes the mil as controlling and having a not in my house attitude but has not given any examples. I think we can all agree that other people do things in their homes that we would never allow in ours. It is our right to within reason to be able to say no. I would be astonished if people thought my no smoking policy for example, was controlling surely when you are a guest in someones home you should have the manners to blend in with their ways.
Now don't get me wrong I can not understand the inlaws not calling into see their son but nor yet can I understand that every time the ops fiance goes to visit his parents she goes along, especially considering that she doesnt even like them. The constant referrals to money in the op was enough to make me cringe. Someone offers to throw a party to mark the occasion of their sons wedding ad all his future bride can do is complain that its not a cash gift and that the day chosen is done so because it will cost less. Have you ever thought it maybe because its the one day most people have off work? Regardless of the apparent lack of a bond between your fiance and his parents, they did raise him, they have decades of shared experience and a life together. Does that count for nothing?

IrishEyes19

Maybe just give the dinner out a chance, and I think a day out is nicer than a gift, far more personal, the fact that they asked you to that, means they obviously do like you.

Also it may be a good thing to meet and see your bf's family properly. If you choose to have kids with your boyfriend, these kids will be their grandkids and nieces and nephews to your boyfriends siblings. So they have a right to be in your kids life too, and not getting along with the inlaws and making that obvious wont be fair. Also their life choices shouldnt hinder you, so what if there over-weight, that doesnt mean they cant speak ect and have a conversation, I dont see what their weight has to do with anything. its not like your going hillwalking or some sports event. Its a day out, sounds nice really.

This could be your chance now to get along with his family and you may be surprised. Wouldnt it be nicer to feel comfortable walking into his family house when you are married and feeling relaxed rather than dreading this everytime. Its worth a shot to try and make some connection anyway.

qwerty13

If I were getting married, I'd like it to be with the least possible amount of fuss. So I totally agree with the way that you are doing it.

However! I feel that you are being madly unreasonable about your BFs family. You've got what you wanted (no fuss wedding), but can't you see that the parents might be hurt at not being involved (and I don't think that's a reason to change the wedding itself); but that they might love to throw a party?

Whatever about what the MIL is like, I think it is incredibly rude to throw obstacles in the way of any post-wedding celebrations. You seem to be 100% focused on what you want; but surely a marriage is about more than that.

OS119

qwerty13 wrote: »

...seem to be 100% focused on what you want; but surely a marriage is about more than that....

a marriage is about what both parties want - and nothing in the OP's posts suggest that there is a sliver of a difference in what the OP and her partner want.

nothing in the OP's posts suggest that her partner enjoys his parents company, nothing in her posts suggest that he wants them at his wedding, nothing in her posts suggests that he is looking forward to this 'day out' with unbridled enthusiasm.

the evidence is blindingly obvious - if the OP's partner really wanted them at the wedding, but the OP was being nasty about it, then the wedding wouldn't be going ahead.

it is going ahead.

ergo, the OP's partner doesn't really want them at his wedding, and its therefore not an unreasonable leap of logic that he's not wildly keen on spending a day with them.

OP, my advice would be to be a bit clever. you have three objectives: (i) to not go to this day out, (ii) to establish an atmosphere of equals in the relationship between you and your MIL, and (iii) to maintain some semblance of a relationship with your in-laws incase you and your partner need their assistance/love and respect* in the future.

so, cancel the current arrangement on the basis - probably true - that you will both be tired after travelling back from the honeymoon, and that you'll both have piles of work to catch up on (objective i). re-arrange a date within a month of your return that is more convenient to you, go on it, smile sweetly, and play the dutiful daughter-in-law (objective ii - you'll be sociable, but by cancelling and re-arranging you've shown that you're not a pair of 6 year olds to be told where to be and when), and by not telling his parents to fcuk off and die in a barrel of camel p1ss, you maintain what passes for the relationship for the future.

good luck, make sure you and your partner really are on the same page, and enjoy your lives - they are your lives, not his parents to get upset or offended about.


*yeah, right...

LegacyUser

OS119 wrote: »

a marriage is about what both parties want - and nothing in the OP's posts suggest that there is a sliver of a difference in what the OP and her partner want.

nothing in the OP's posts suggest that her partner enjoys his parents company, nothing in her posts suggest that he wants them at his wedding, nothing in her posts suggests that he is looking forward to this 'day out' with unbridled enthusiasm.

the evidence is blindingly obvious - if the OP's partner really wanted them at the wedding, but the OP was being nasty about it, then the wedding wouldn't be going ahead.

it is going ahead.

ergo, the OP's partner doesn't really want them at his wedding, and its therefore not an unreasonable leap of logic that he's not wildly keen on spending a day with them.

OP, my advice would be to be a bit clever. you have three objectives: (i) to not go to this day out, (ii) to establish an atmosphere of equals in the relationship between you and your MIL, and (iii) to maintain some semblance of a relationship with your in-laws incase you and your partner need their assistance/love and respect* in the future.

so, cancel the current arrangement on the basis - probably true - that you will both be tired after travelling back from the honeymoon, and that you'll both have piles of work to catch up on (objective i). re-arrange a date within a month of your return that is more convenient to you, go on it, smile sweetly, and play the dutiful daughter-in-law (objective ii - you'll be sociable, but by cancelling and re-arranging you've shown that you're not a pair of 6 year olds to be told where to be and when), and by not telling his parents to fcuk off and die in a barrel of camel p1ss, you maintain what passes for the relationship for the future.

good luck, make sure you and your partner really are on the same page, and enjoy your lives - they are your lives, not his parents to get upset or offended about.


*yeah, right...

Finally some useful advice for the OP.
Seems everyone else was too busy focusing on the fact the OP seems 'more interested in money',
and misinterpreting the OP thinking she is selfish for not wanting to be with a person who clearly doesn't treat her well.
We don't know the whole story or what the exact truth behind everything is, so its very harsh to assume and criticise the OP based on what you believe to be the truth.
It is up to the OP's fiance to discuss and decide with the OP how the wedding goes(in this case just the 2 of them with witnesses and no family).
As regards the dinner with the MIL, I would suggest you attend out of courtesy, even if it ruins your day. Its one day and potentially the last time you have to meet his family.(You dont HAVE to, but it would be a great gesture of you to attend).
Some people tend to be bossy, so just let your MIL have this one day for her married son.

Big Bag of Chips

OS119 wrote: »

nothing in her posts suggest that he wants them at his wedding, ...

He told them about it.... If he didn't want them there he could have gone away, gotten married and told them when he got home.

OS119 wrote: »

nothing in her posts suggests that he is looking forward to this 'day out' with unbridled enthusiasm....

Never once does she mention he doesn't want to go, her entire last paragraph is about how much she is dreading going.. no mention of him

givetheopabreak wrote: »

Some people tend to be bossy,

The Original post was peppered with "I" and "me", not "us" or "we", which makes me think that the OP is as capable as her future mother-in-law at being bossy... and maybe her future husband is keeping his head down and trying to please both side of the camp for the sake of a quiet life!

As mentioned - nobody on here knows the back ground, the history or the personalities, but OP, in your original post you showed all the tendancies that you seem to dislike so much in your mother-in-law... Without mention of your boyfriend!

Something to think about maybe?


EDIT: I meant to add, that I totally agree with having the wedding you want (as a couple!). If I was to do it again, I would have a much smaller affair - just family and a couple of close close friends. So I'm not dismissing your idea for your own wedding, just maybe suggesting that you are being a bit over the top about his parents? As you said - if your own parents were around, you would like to have them there to see you getting married. It doesn't have to be about cost either. I'm sure if his family really wanted to be there, they wouldn't mind going out for dinner in a restaurant and each paying for their own. But that's not the issue..

Keep your wedding exactly as you (both! keep stressing that point!!) want it. But go to the "family day out" with good grace.

I can see things from your point of view OP, however, Im sure most people agree that marraige is about finding the middle ground, and when you marry a person, you marry their family as well, its a fact, so if it were me i would take the easier road, the road that sucks it up and gets on with the mother in laws plans for the day.

unfortunately you cant choose your inlaws, wouldnt the world be such a lovely place if you could? so you just have to plaster a smile on your face and meet her halfway. Dont let the worry of the impending day cast a shadow on your honeymoon hapiness, you only get one honeymoon. Sure you can have other holidays but its not the same.

OS119

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Something to think about maybe?...

ordinarily yes - everyone knows that posts in PI are rarely a masterclass in even-handed truth-telling. however, given the detail the OP has gone into regarding what the partner has said to his parents, and what the couple themselves have said to each other, i find it difficult to believe that there is any conflict between the OP and his partner on this issue.

the 'no, don't bother going to any trouble' comment is, for me, incredibly telling - that seems to me to be about as clear a 'p1ss off' as its possible to say without just putting the phone down. if he was henpecked or uber-submissive he, imv, would of made excuses about the venue or somesuch, but 'don't go to any trouble' is just another version of 'i've got to let you go, i've got stuff to do', or 'its not you, its me'.

all are polite versions of 'i'm trying to be polite, but just sod off'...