how do i handle jealousy over boyfriend's female friend? feel like i'm sharing him!

LegacyUser · 04-08-2011 08:02PM #1

My boyfriend's best friend is a girl. I've met her, she's absolutely lovely, really friendly, really nice. She's gorgeous too, but her and my boyfriend have never had anything. I've never asked if he fancied her, or asked her out or anything (although she's so pretty he must have at least fancied her when they first met) because, honestly, I'm a bit scared the answer will make me feel even more insecure than I am.

We've only been together seven months now, but it's been very intense and we like each other a lot. Anyway, my boyfriend and this friend spend a LOT of time together. And when they don't spend time together, there's a lot of phonecalls, texting, they meet up and go for walks, go to the cinema, he visits her at her house (she lives in Tipp, we're in Dublin, so it's a bit of a journey). To me, it seems like she a girlfriend minus the physical aspect.

In my past relationships, I've never been a jealous person. I've always been very secure with myself. But I've also never gone out with a guy who was this close to another girl. I've always been the closest girl to them, and that's how I've always thought it should be. I have no problem with my boyfriend having female friends at all, but I always felt like your girlfriend should be the person you share the most with. Whereas, he's have just as much, if not more, of an emotional connection with this girl.

I'm not saying that I want him to not be friends with her, I'd never dream of asking anyone to end a friendship, but how would you feel in this situation? Would it be better for me to move on and find someone who I share a special kind of emotional connection to, or cope with my insecurities?
I'm not afraid of anything happening between them, that's not where this is coming from, it's more jealousy of their emotional connection.

I really, really like this guy, but I'm not used to feeling like I'm sharing my boyfriend.

Otis Driftwood · 04-08-2011 08:33PM

Men can be close friends with very attractive females but have absolutely no romantic feelings whatsoever you know.

A couple of my friends are seriously hot but Ive never looked at them as more than just friends,its the relationship we have,sounds like your bf is the same.

How long is he friends with her?

Ye are only together 7 months,they could be lifelong friends,it takes a helluva lot of time to build a bond like that.

As for dumping him for something like this?

Id think long and hard about that one.

Forever Hopeful · 04-08-2011 08:36PM

If this friend was a guy, would it still bother you as much? If yes, then say something, if no, leave it be.

LegacyUser · 04-08-2011 11:24PM

Hey, I'm in a similar situation, but I'm the female friend. Both of us in long term relationships and 100% no attraction to each other but have an emotional bond (dependence??) on each other. Teasingly would say "my other boyf/girlf" about each other and can joke about it and be open because there is absolutely no underlying motive, unrequited feelings or sexual tension.

The most troubling aspect of the relationship is people not understanding it and commenting that on how "close" we are or accusing us of flirting or liking each other. That's what plants little seeds of paranoia in your head and makes you second guess the friendship and read too much into purely platonic acts.

My boyf is the antedote to me because we're so different, he complements me and completes me. But, sometimes having a friend who understands you in a different way or that you "click" with is neccessary. That instant connection/ rapport is special and people are lucky to have it with someone, male or female. However, even if you do have an emotional connection to someone, like you seek, it doesn't neccessarily mean it'll be a successful relationship if you become more than friends... Same as your boyf isn't likely to start dating his friend just because they have an emotional bond.

As long as your boyf has a balance of spending enough time with you, confides in you and doesn't making you feel second best then don't worry about it. Similarly, don't push him away if you feel resentful because he may seek emotional support/ attention/ entertainment from her....

If the female friend wasn't pretty would you mind so much??

Sonics2k · 04-08-2011 11:51PM

sharingbf wrote: »

I have no problem with my boyfriend having female friends at all, but I always felt like your girlfriend should be the person you share the most with. Whereas, he's have just as much, if not more, of an emotional connection with this girl.

I'll mainly focus on this line, it seems to be the key to the whole thing.

You and your boyfriend have been together for seven months now, and presumably they have been best friends for a very long time, so he will find it easier to talk to her about certain things. But this does not mean he is in love with her, or that he thinks she's more important.

For example, I was with my ex for 6 years, and I really was in love with her. However, I'd known my best friend since we were 11 year's old, we'd grown up together and knew every little thing there was to know, and so there were times it was easier to talk to him about things.

Never be concerned about a partner's best friend, unless it's truly obvious there's a real relationship going on, because it's really nothing to worry about.

They will always have a bond that you won't have with him, but you as a couple will have a bond that his friend will not. Slightly confusing, but hope you see my point.

tinkerbell · 05-08-2011 12:09AM

If you're with the right guy and trust him completely, you will not feel jealous at all of any friend of his because you trust him.

If you've got serious jealousy going on and he has done nothing to make you jealous, then you need to sort out your own head. She is his best friend, of course they are going to spend a lot of time together.

I lost my best friend because his new gf became so jealous she was actually scary. She started to completely warp his brain and she was so jealous of me. Me and him were just best friends, I was never ever interested him as anything else. Oh and I was in a serious relationship anyway myself! Anyway, she got crazy jealous - he let her keep up the jealous charade and it got too much for me, it got to a point where it was not worth the upset anymore so I couldn't remain friends with him. I've never forgiven him for it - it was the worst thing he could've done. I was so hurt over it. Well he dumped her a while after but he's never come to me to apologise so that friendship is well gone.

If your boyfriend tells you that he is not interested in her, trust him. Otherwise you'll either (a) get so jealous that his best friend can't deal with it anymore and she'll end their friendship (which is NOT good for your relationship anyway as he will resent you) or (b) he'll dump you coz you're being completely irrational with the jealousy. Or both could happen which did in my case.

So in short OP, get over it. Just because you're on the scene now doesn't mean he has to ditch his friends and spend 100% of his free time with you - he needs friends too. And trust him. He hasn't given you a reason not to trust him ...

LegacyUser · 05-08-2011 12:34AM

I just wanted to post and say that I would feel exactly the same as you do.
I've actually thought about this a lot myself.
My boyfriend has lots of close girl friends and at the start I did find it very unnerving.
I know, as I was in the same sort of position (although there was no one single girl that he spent a LOT of time with) that its not about lack of trust. Its exactly like you said- you feel that as their girlfriend you should be somewhat "special", and have their affections in a way that no other girl has but you.
I've concluded after all my ponderings on it, that its down to personality...

Feeling how I did about it at the beginning reflected how I felt about relationships. And still do now.
Its not that I mind him having female friends, or ever did, but at the beginning when I wasn't used to my boyfriend having close girl friends it did make me feel less important and less special, and thats not how you ever want to feel when youre with a person. It just wasnt what was "normal" for me as far as relationships went.
We did have a few rows about it, and I did tell him how I felt about things like him calling his female friends drunk at 3am when I wasnt around, or sending them xx's in texts, and saying "love you" in emails, things like that. It was hard, and we had arguments, but over time I've learnt that it really is nothing compared to what I have with him.
We are together 2 1/2 years now and I know I come first.
In time you'll start to see where his priorities lie, and now I see and love that my boyfriend is such a loyal friend as well as a great boyfriend, but I also see how I come first in things where his other girl friends come second. Or I see the things that I share with him that they dont have. Also I saw in time as I'm sure you will too, that his girl friends dont really see themselves (herself) as anything more then a mate.
I think at the start I myself thought in the back of my head that they must feel the same way about my BF as I did, because I was so crazy about him, but over time you see that really they dont and you ARE the special one, which is why he is with you and not them.
AND, you begin to appreciate his loyalty, because it shows that he wont just drop an old friend for a new one, which will be to your benefit too one day when he makes more new friend, he will never just drop you either

Sorry for the ramble, I hope this helps.

gypsy_rose · 05-08-2011 12:53AM

As long as he makes enough time for you too I don't see a problem

lace · 05-08-2011 12:10PM

Personally, I wouldn't see a female friend any differently from a male friend. You say they have a special emotional connection and that you want that same connection. I don't think it's possible at such an early stage in your relationship. They've probably known each other for years and years. The emotional connection between two friends is quite like that between siblings. He probably sees this girl more as his sister than an attractive woman.

Is your problem that he's not spending enough time with you or giving you enough attention...or that you feel he's spending too much time with her and giving her too much attention? They're not the same thing.

If you are feeling like he's not making enough effort with you because he's doing other things (like hanging out with friends - male or female) then you should talk to him about it and let him know you're feeling a little neglected.

If, however, he's putting ample time and effort into your relationship but also spending a lot of time with his friend then I don't think you have any reason to confront him.

You seem to be fairly reasonable and understand that there's nothing going on between them and I know it can be difficult when that one tiny irrational part of you tells you otherwise.

If you can't accept that his best friend is an attractive girl and you think it's going to cause you more stress and put strain on your relationship then maybe you need to find a guy who likes to hang out with other men.

If you want to get over this and make it work then perhaps you could try getting to know her a little better. Maybe suggest an activity the three of you could do together. This woman is an important part of your boyfriend's life so let him know that you want a chance to get to know her and make a good impression on her. Try to think of her as a family member of his rather than his attractive best friend and get to know her a little better.

Catari Jaguar · 05-08-2011 02:19PM

When two men are spending time together they're usually talking about something superficial and enjoying manly things like football, beer, video games...

Two women together talk, and talk, and talk. About their day, their feelings, their worries etc etc. This builds up intimacy and a bond is formed. They even start to mirror their body language.

When a man is good friends with a woman its usually because they just get on and he sees her as one of the lads, maybe she's got a laddish sense of humour or is tomboyish.

When a woman starts applying girl-girl attributes to her friendship and telling her male friend about her day, fears, hopes, dreams etc the relationship gets blurred. To her, it's normal, to the guy it's intimacy and a deeper level. He might not be emotional attached to her but she offloads on him or uses him as a sounding board as she would a female friend.

That's probably why girlfriends get freaked out by male- female relationships. Thinking their boyfriend is connecting with someone other than them, or sharing their feelings. They assume it'll develop into feelings of love.

Relax it's innocent. Just like mentioned before, as long as he makes time for you and you feel included and loved you've nothing to worry about.

johnr1 · 06-08-2011 12:29AM

In this specific case I'm gonna disagree with almost everyone so far, although I do see your various points of view, and agree in principle with most things said.
Cherub Rock, you in particular raise some interesting points.

First, I think everyone can, and probably should have close friends of both sexes. In most cases, there is no more to it than what it looks like, - good friends who share interests, past experiences, points of view etc.

However, the statement "shes like a girlfriend without the physical" hits a chord for me, as does the OPs description of constant contact, long journeys regularly to see her etc.
This comes across to me as this guy having two girlfriends, one of whom he happens to have a physical relationship with.
Consider the idea, - is it possible he gets different things from both women, closeness etc without availability of a physical rel to complicate things with the one, and the security of someone who desires him and wants the same things in life, as well as a physical relationship with the other.
I realise that this wouldn't be be common, but it wouldn't be that uncommon either. Think of all the charismatic men who have a closer relationship with their mistresses, even into old age, while never leaving the security of their wives who they also adore differently.

To fully understand whether its this scenario or the more simple explanation ie they are just good friends who happen to be of opposite sexes, we would need to hear more about the OPs relationship with him I think.
Now for the really unpopular bit : Personally I need to feel when I'm with someone that I have a closer, stronger bond with them than anyone else of my own sex, - that its "us against the world- together." for want of a better phrase, and I would consider this guy to be borderline emotionally cheating.

So go ahead, - shoot me :-)

LegacyUser · 06-08-2011 02:37AM

If you feel something isn't right, it probably isn't.

I believe in male/female friendships, but generally lads won't be texting/emailing/hiking to Tipp to talk to you unless they're interested in something else. I have lots of male friends, but when one or both are in a relationship, usually it affects the friendship.

I would think it odd if a guy was in constant contact with me if he had a girlfriend, and I'd hate for her to be paranoid about it.

How do you find her when you're around her? Do you find her genuinely interested in you? Do you have any reason to think that she has motives? Does he try to get you two to hang out? Or keep you apart?

minidazzler · 06-08-2011 04:58AM

johnr1 wrote: »

To fully understand whether its this scenario or the more simple explanation ie they are just good friends who happen to be of opposite sexes, we would need to hear more about the OPs relationship with him I think.
Now for the really unpopular bit : Personally I need to feel when I'm with someone that I have a closer, stronger bond with them than anyone else of my own sex, - that its "us against the world- together." for want of a better phrase, and I would consider this guy to be borderline emotionally cheating.

So go ahead, - shoot me :-)

He's friends with a girl for YEARS, going out with a girl for a few MONTHS, so he should just dump his best friend because he's going out with a girl? That right there would be the hallmark of the worst kind of person TBH, disloyal.

It's one thing for you, OP to feel slightly uncomfortable with the situation, and that's OK, it's a bit of jealousy, but if you were to ask him to choose you over her, I would want and expect him to laugh in your face while dumping you. If his best friend was a man the situation would not feel the same to you. She is not competition, she is simply his friend. I'm sure if they had wanted to get together at any point they would have.

nesbitt · 06-08-2011 11:16AM

johnr1 wrote: »

However, the statement "shes like a girlfriend without the physical" hits a chord for me, as does the OPs description of constant contact, long journeys regularly to see her etc.....

To fully understand whether its this scenario or the more simple explanation ie they are just good friends who happen to be of opposite sexes, we would need to hear more about the OPs relationship with him I think.

+1

It seems to me that the OP is feeling hurt and left out not jealous as such. If the OPs boyfriend and the girl are such good friends the usual progression in my view would be that the 'friends' would mix with their other halfs and organise get togethers and nights out in that way. Does the OP's boyfriend spend MORE time with the 'friend' than with her.

After reading the posts I understand fully that of course you have friends of both sexes but the question is this friendship 'too close'? Is the OP as a 'girlfriend' left out of spending quality time with her boyfriend because of this friendship?

LegacyUser · 06-08-2011 04:22PM

OP here.
OK, guys, thanks for the responses but I won't be coming back to this thread again, there are some helpful responses but I feel like the majority of you have missed the point.

As i stated in my first post, I am not worried about anything happening between them physically. I trust him, and I trust her. But physical closeness is not the only aspect of a relationship. The more rewarding elements of a romantic relationship, in my opinion, the emotional connection and bond you feel with your partner. While I do feel emotionally close to him, I don't feel like that bond is special because he shares something similar with another girl, quite possibly in a much stronger way.
If this friend was a guy, no, it would not bother me as much obviously, because my problem is that he has this connection with another GIRL.
They haven't been friends all that long, they aren't childhood friends or anything, so the rate at which they developed their bond is very intimidating.

minidazzler, you, out of everyone, have missed the point completely. I explicitly stated I would never ask ANYONE to end a friendship for my sake. I wouldn't end any of my friendships for my OH, I wouldn't give myself that much credit to expect that he would either.

Fair play to any of you who would have no issue at all with your OH being in almost constant contact with someone else, but I don't think it's for me.

Sonics2k · 06-08-2011 08:48PM

sharingbf wrote: »

OP here.
OK, guys, thanks for the responses but I won't be coming back to this thread again, there are some helpful responses but I feel like the majority of you have missed the point.

As i stated in my first post, I am not worried about anything happening between them physically. I trust him, and I trust her. But physical closeness is not the only aspect of a relationship. The more rewarding elements of a romantic relationship, in my opinion, the emotional connection and bond you feel with your partner. While I do feel emotionally close to him, I don't feel like that bond is special because he shares something similar with another girl, quite possibly in a much stronger way.
If this friend was a guy, no, it would not bother me as much obviously, because my problem is that he has this connection with another GIRL.
They haven't been friends all that long, they aren't childhood friends or anything, so the rate at which they developed their bond is very intimidating.

minidazzler, you, out of everyone, have missed the point completely. I explicitly stated I would never ask ANYONE to end a friendship for my sake. I wouldn't end any of my friendships for my OH, I wouldn't give myself that much credit to expect that he would either.

Fair play to any of you who would have no issue at all with your OH being in almost constant contact with someone else, but I don't think it's for me.

It's something you'll have to learn to deal with overtime, maybe with another person. But it is something you'll come to accept.

In a lot of ways, my connection to my best friend is closer than that with my actual partner. She know's things about me I would never tell anyone else.

My own girlfriend did have an issue with this for a while, much similar to your situation, but she has come to realise that it's purely a friendship, albeit a very strong friendship. My partner accepts we have a connection on a different level, but is also very aware that we as a couple have a stronger "passionate" connection that is always there in a couple.

Really OP, you have nothing to fear in my honest opinion.

how do i handle jealousy over boyfriend's female friend? feel like i'm sharing him!

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