When in a relationship can you say "That's not fair"?

Batgurl · 25-07-2011 10:42AM #1

So it was my birthday last month and my boyfriend asked what I wanted. I told him I didnt really mind but I just didn't want an "experience" present. (In the past he has always got me things like weekends away or surf lessons etc) This time I just wanted a thing I could open and have. So, he said what do you want exactly and I said, well I do need a new phone-showed him the one I wanted (80 euro).

Roll on my birthday...he brings me out for an incredibly expensive dinner which he paid for...and presents me with my present which was a day trip to a spa. I smiled and said thanks but was secretly annoyed that he didnt listen to me. I WOULD HAVE PREFERRED A PHONE!!!

So now it's his birthday coming up and he tells me he wants a camera for his birthday and I'm so tempted to get him cinema tickets or something. He has his heart set on this camera and I don't want to seem mean but come on people...That's not fair???

What should I do/say/not do/not say?

MitchKoobski · 25-07-2011 10:56AM

You asked for a phone, and got a day out instead. In fairness to him it sounds like he wanted to go all out for you rather than just a phone. You could get a phone for yourself at any stage I guess, just doesnt seem like you had your heart set on it or anything. I can see where you're coming from though.

Now....he asks for a camera. And you feel like just getting him cinema tickets instead. Cinema tickets. You don't want to seem mean? The man spends upwards of €100 on yours, asks for a camera in return (prob around the same price or something, not sure), and you want to get him cinema tickets instead to spite him? Because "its not fair"?

Sounds pretty childish to me OP.

LegacyUser · 25-07-2011 11:02AM

Well, he specifically asked what she wanted, and then ignored her answer!

I'd be a bit put out too! And if it was for lack of money, well, I'd imagine a camera would cost a lot more than the phone!

Honey-ec · 25-07-2011 11:19AM

Batgurl wrote: »

So now it's his birthday coming up and he tells me he wants a camera for his birthday and I'm so tempted to get him cinema tickets or something. He has his heart set on this camera and I don't want to seem mean but come on people...That's not fair???

What should I do/say/not do/not say?

Grow up. Get him the camera, enjoy your day at the spa and buy the bloody phone yourself. As you said, it's only 80 quid.

Corkblowin · 25-07-2011 11:25AM

Batgurl wrote: »

I told him I didnt really mind.......

^^^Thats where you went wrong! He's told you exactly what he wants, you said you didn't mind.

To me anyway a phone isn't exactly a romantic present for my partner - its something I'd buy my mother!

I guess he just wanted something a bit more special for you. Next time if you want something ask for it out straight - us guys are crap at hints.

WindSock · 25-07-2011 11:42AM

You got an incredibly expensive dinner and a day of pampering, and you want to buy him cinema tickets just to spite him?

I think it is this point in the relationship that its not fair.

You sound like a spoilt child to be honest.

ManOfMystery · 25-07-2011 01:23PM

+1 to the spoilt child comment above.

You're coming across as being entirely ungrateful at what your boyfriend actually did for you, instead choosing to become fixated on this one object which he didn't get. And that's after telling him, in your own words, that you 'didn't mind' what he got you.

That you're thinking of just buying him cinema tickets as some twisted way of teaching him a lesson is appalling IMO. Don't be surprised if he throws them back in your face and that's the end of your nice dinner dates and spa days.

25-07-2011 01:34PM

He gave you a gift, so you should give him a gift. What that gift is, is up to you.

The ball is in your court and you can do whatever you want. But as far as I can see the choice is pretty simple; you can act like a child and spite him and purposely try to disappoint him on his birthday, or you can try to make your boyfriend happy.

Also, with regards to what he got you, it's extremely unlikely he gave you a fancy dinner and spa break out of malicious intent. He probably thought you were playing down your birthday, trying to get him to not make a fuss. He probably thought he was exceeding your expectations and making it a great birthday. Or he could have just forgotten what you said or thought you weren't serious.

MicraBoy · 25-07-2011 01:52PM

Why are people selectively quoting the OP? She said she didn't mind but didn't want an "experience present". Then showed him the exact present she wanted. That's pretty specific if you ask me.

The issue isn't really about what he did and didn't spend money on, but it's pretty annoying to feel like your partner isn't listening to you. The OP has a right to be miffed about that, and may be the BF has a track record of the "I know what's better for you" kind of attitude. Just because it is borne out of kindness doesn't mean it can't be frustrating for an independent minded person. It can feel very controlling imho.

So what do do? Well I'm tempted to say buy him a day treatment at a spa center, BUT ONLY as a way of creating some kind of dialogue about how you felt about the situation with your birthday. I'd also buy the camera for him as a peace offering (for after you have talked it out) because I think you are going to end up making him feel like a bit of an eejit by raising the issue now.

thefeatheredcat · 25-07-2011 01:54PM

I think it's fair enough that in the past you have had these lovely gifts and that you did vocalise you would prefer something else.... but the harsh reality in life is that you don't always get what you want, even when it's asked for.

Maybe he did look for a phone, but you know what, even when you're buying a phone for someone, there's always the extra accessories, the setting up of stuff, and probably he could buy the right phone but with the wrong bits and bobs, the wrong plan, the wrong network, etc. Hedging his bets, a day out in a spa was probably a safer option, because then you can choose whatever you want in that, rather than getting it completely wrong. In any case, he values you more than a phone, that really you could purchase yourself at any time, and maybe you wouldn't have spent the money on a luxury of a spa.

I think you just need to sit down and talk to your boyfriend about the real point and issue, which is that he didn't listen to you.

As for the camera... well, he's been vocal, so maybe you should listen to him. There's no point is being mad at him for not listening to you, and then you deliberately deciding not to listen to him because you feel that the situation was unfair.

If you're unhappy with the experience presents, why not suggest it to him then that you shelve that for a while as a gift to you and have that as a treat for you both? Going forward though, you'll probably get what you want in future presents of christmas and birthdays, a thing in a box that requires little thought, imagination or consideration, like socks or pharmacy perfume, last minute things that show little about how he feels about you or about your tastes and interests.

One thing though - you mention about the expensive dinner - he may feel you are worth it.. somehow I get the impression (although I'm probably wrong) that the expense is perhaps an issue too? If it is, both this and not listening are things you will need to talk about. tbh I think you were fair in vocalising what you wanted, ok you didn't get it, but I just think you do need to address the real issue rather than the material thing itself.

C-J · 25-07-2011 03:11PM

I know a girl whos boyfriend bought her spark plugs for her birthday. Consider yourself lucky!!

Randy Shafter · 25-07-2011 04:09PM

To be fair OP, you did say you didn't really mind. Instead of just buying cinema tickets to spite him, how about maybe putting some money in a card towards the camera?

And aren't you meant to be appreciative of what you are given as you Birthday present regardless?

Seraphina · 25-07-2011 04:43PM

I'm gonna go against the grain here and say I really *hate* it when stuff like that happens. I'm sorry if it sounds spoilt or ungrateful, but what incidents like that SCREAM to me is "He didn't listen to you, he didn't listen to you". You feel like you can't say anything because he spent lots of money (that you didn't even WANT him to spend), but the fact is, he ignored your wishes. You told him what you wanted, and then he decided fark this for a laugh, she doesn't really need a phone, *I* know what she really needs - a spa day!

Maybe you weren't as clear as you could have been about not wanting another 'experience' present, but what you did do, is say you needed a phone, and then SHOWED HIM the one you wanted.

He asked for a camera? I would get him an expensive film/photography 'experience'. Maybe lessons or a course of some kind? Cinema tickets is a bit cheap, and others say it's spiteful, but tbh, I would do the same thing. It REALLY bugs me when people ask what you want, and then when you tell them, they ignore you anyway. But they expect YOU to get exactly what they've asked for, make, model colour and everything.

JimmyCrackCorn · 25-07-2011 04:50PM

WindSock wrote: »

You got an incredibly expensive dinner and a day of pampering, and you want to buy him cinema tickets just to spite him?

I think it is this point in the relationship that its not fair.

You sound like a spoilt child to be honest.

I couldn't agree more. Going out of your way to deliberately spite me in a relationship would end it very quickly as that's just not the type of person id want to have a relationship with.

A spa weekend sounds like a fantastic present to me and allot nicer than a phone and sounds like he put some thought in. The fact your upset about him sending you away for a pampering weekend surprises me.

That's before the effort that went in to get a nice dinner out.

My last birthday present from my girlfriend was a cd and a bottle of whiskey, not expensive in any way but it showed she really thought about it and to say I was chuffed was an understatement.

I'm no expert when it comes to women but i'm generally happy with a partner when I get anything and if i was your boyfriend and saw this thread id be quite hurt and disappointed.

elbee · 25-07-2011 05:04PM

JimmyCrackCorn wrote: »

A spa weekend sounds like a fantastic present to me and allot nicer than a phone and sounds like he put some thought in. The fact your upset about him sending you away for a pampering weekend surprises me.

I'm not sure how buying her something he was specifically told she did not want was evidence of putting thought in. It seems more like a total absence of thought to me, although he probably did it with good intentions.

OP, I think taking it out on him by buying him a present he won't like is a bit nasty - he probably didn't do it to annoy you and had a reason of his own. I think you should sit him down and say 'Look, the spa day is lovely and I do appreciate it, BUT I told you exactly what I wanted and I'm very upset that you didn't listen to me.' Make it very clear that it's not about the present, it's about the fact you told him precisely what you wanted and he decided he knew better and ultimately that meant you were disappointed (albeit not by what he did buy).

Maybe ask him how he would feel if you got him a nightcourse or experience day instead of the camera he wants?

That might drive it home a bit more!

Only you know if he's an arrogant twat who always knows better than you or if he's a nice guy doing his best who ignored your opinion because he genuinely thought it was the best thing to do - if it's the former, be a bit more harsh and if it's the latter be a bit sensitive! Either way I think talking to him will achieve more than tit-for-tat behaviour.

Neyite · 25-07-2011 05:07PM

To retaliate in kind with cinema tickets is childish and will paint you in a bad light, in my opinion.

The more mature approach would be to get him the gift that he wants, and then some time after his birthday explain how you felt when you didnt get what you wanted and remind him of how happy he was when he got exactly what he was hoping to get.

Seraphina · 25-07-2011 05:17PM

JimmyCrackCorn wrote: »

A spa weekend sounds like a fantastic present to me and allot nicer than a phone and sounds like he put some thought in. The fact your upset about him sending you away for a pampering weekend surprises me.

I don't want to derail the thread, but WHY does this sound fantastic to your Jimmy? Are you this girl, do you know what she likes? Because I can tell you there are a lot of women in the world who wouldn't be too impressed with a 'pampering spa weekend', because they have no interest in those kind of things. Just because she is female doesn't mean she's going to fawn all over 'generic female gift'. There is NO thought involved in buying a voucher for a spa weekend.

Sounds to me like he put very little thought in actually... didn't even think to listen to what she said to him about presents!

baby and crumble · 25-07-2011 05:23PM

elbee wrote: »

OP, I think taking it out on him by buying him a present he won't like is a bit nasty - he probably didn't do it to annoy you and had a reason of his own. I think you should sit him down and say 'Look, the spa day is lovely and I do appreciate it, BUT I told you exactly what I wanted and I'm very upset that you didn't listen to me.' Make it very clear that it's not about the present, it's about the fact you told him precisely what you wanted and he decided he knew better and ultimately that meant you were disappointed (albeit not by what he did buy).

I reckon this is the best advice of the thread. I know I personally hate buying people 'practical' presents, I really do. I always think birthdays are for buying people frivolous things that they mightn't need. it's for treating someone. So TBH I'd find it difficult to buy my partner a phone or something because it just seems so boring and practical. but I'd probably say that to her. So I really think you just need to say it to you BF that it seems like he didn't listen. I'd say more than likely he just feels similar to me, and wanted to spoil you. Buying a practical item like a phone isn't spoiling someone. he just went about it slightly wrong, but more than likely with all the best intentions. You're not going to know unless you talk to him about it.

I am a friend · 25-07-2011 05:32PM

A spa day sounds like a pain in the neck to me. It also would have been much cheaper to get the phone.

I am curious as to his reason for doing this. is he generally bossy / controlling and does he listen to you when you talk in general? I don't think you are this frustrated over a once off incident.

LegacyUser · 25-07-2011 09:34PM

What ever happened to "its the thought that counts". Ok your boyfriend got it wrong, but he got you a nice thoughtful gift. Personally I dont like buying things that people have specifically asked for because theres no thought involved, why not ask them how much cash they need and just write them a cheque. Its so unrewarding for the giver to hand over something they put no effort into getting and the reciever already knows exactly what it is.

Dont be spiteful, its childish and he will not know what message your trying to give him. You could try asking him what made him decide to give you the gift he did, but if it was me Id be pleased he put the thought in, even if it wasnt what was on your shopping list.

I am a friend · 25-07-2011 09:59PM

idle passerby wrote: »

What ever happened to "its the thought that counts". Ok your boyfriend got it wrong, but he got you a nice thoughtful gift. Personally I dont like buying things that people have specifically asked for because theres no thought involved, why not ask them how much cash they need and just write them a cheque. Its so unrewarding for the giver to hand over something they put no effort into getting and the reciever already knows exactly what it is. .

But he asked her what she wanted so why ask and then not get what she does want..

iguana · 25-07-2011 10:46PM

idle passerby wrote: »

What ever happened to "its the thought that counts". Ok your boyfriend got it wrong, but he got you a nice thoughtful gift.

That's exactly the issue. The thought does count, it counts for everything and if someone gets you something which you have clearly stated you really don't want then there is no thought. The OP's boyfriend didn't get her a nice thoughtful gift, he did the exact opposite. He got her something he decided was nice instead of putting any thought into what she wanted.

That said OP, retaliating in kind would be poor form. You need to actually talk to him about how unhappy you were with what he got you. I think Neyite's suggestion was a good one. Get him the camera he wants (providing it's within your budget) and at some later point after his birthday talk to him about how unhappy you were that he got you something you specifically told him you didn't want.

Honey-ec · 25-07-2011 11:02PM

I am a friend wrote: »

I am curious as to his reason for doing this. is he generally bossy / controlling and does he listen to you when you talk in general? I don't think you are this frustrated over a once off incident.

Oh Lord. He gets her a day at a spa for her birthday and all of a sudden he's Patrick Bergin in Sleeping with the Enemy.

I am a friend · 25-07-2011 11:39PM

Well she is not this annoyed over just one incident - there is more to this than a spa day.

Wolfe Tone · 26-07-2011 02:50AM

Bloody hell.

It sounds to me like he went all out to try and make sure you had a special day, he could have had it planned or even had the vouchers bought already. He could have wanted to surprise you, you know some people like to put thought into bday presents, he could have felt that getting you the phone was the lazy option.

Cut him some slack and get him the camera, cinema tickets? Thats just mean.

26-07-2011 10:58AM

I don't know this chap but I know exactly what went through his head.

BF: 'What do you want for your birthday?'
GF: 'I don't mind... I've been looking at a particular phone.'

'Hmm... it's only 80 euro and it's just a phone. She could easily just buy it herself. There's nothing special about it and I'm afraid if I get it for her she'll be disappointed that I didn't surprise her with something.'

OP, even from your version of events he seems to have had the best of intentions. Buying presents for people - especially spouses - is like playing Russian roulette sometimes.

Chucky the tree · 26-07-2011 11:56AM

Wow op, you sound like a horrible person. I've no idea how someone in a relationship would be capable of sitting across from their OH and get a sense of enjoyment when they open their present only to be majorly disappointed and for their OH to be see smiling about it all on the inside because she has gotten her revenge.

JimmyCrackCorn · 26-07-2011 01:58PM

Deleted User wrote: »

I don't know this chap but I know exactly what went through his head.

BF: 'What do you want for your birthday?'
GF: 'I don't mind... I've been looking at a particular phone.'

'Hmm... it's only 80 euro and it's just a phone. She could easily just buy it herself. There's nothing special about it and I'm afraid if I get it for her she'll be disappointed that I didn't surprise her with something.'

OP, even from your version of events he seems to have had the best of intentions. Buying presents for people - especially spouses - is like playing Russian roulette sometimes.

^^^^

That would be similar to my thinking on it. Looks like I'm wrong as per the female opinions above.

But me being a me id prefer if I was asked afterwards why I bought her a spa weekend and a dinner.

Maybe the lad had good intentions which should count for allot, maybe he was misguided, maybe he had a voucher from boards offers for a tenner......
Asking him would be a good start.

I guess i'm the only one who would be happy and gratefull if i got a pint for my birthday.

iguana · 26-07-2011 02:19PM

Deleted User wrote: »

I don't know this chap but I know exactly what went through his head.

BF: 'What do you want for your birthday?'
GF: 'Definitely not an experience gift, I don't like those. I'd prefer a thing which I can open and enjoy straight away. Other than that I don't mind... I've been looking at a particular phone.'

'Hmm... it's only 80 euro and it's just a phone. She could easily just buy it herself. There's nothing special about it and I'm afraid if I get it for her she'll be disappointed that I didn't surprise her with something, so I'll get her the exact thing she said she really dislikes.'

OP, even from your version of events he seems to have had the best of intentions. Buying presents for people - especially spouses - is like playing Russian roulette sometimes.

Fixed your assumptions. Why are so many people ignoring the fact that he bought her the exact thing she was clear she really didn't want.

Tbh, that's weird. I just can't imagine any scenario where I'd ask someone what they want as a gift, they say they don't mind - anything apart from X. And I'd go buy them X. It shows that I either don't listen to them or listen to them and dismiss their opinion. It's either rude or arrogant and it's understandable for someone to be upset by such a display on their birthday.

The only thing I can add OP is that this thread is actually quite a big showcase for what your boyfriend could have been (not) thinking. Loads of posters here have completely ignored the fact that you stated you really, really didn't want a certain type of gift and think you should be really happy that he got you that type of gift as they think it sounds like a lovely thoughtful present. I suspect your boyfriend is exactly the same, he thought it was a great gift and somehow managed to filter out that you had clearly told him you wouldn't like it. It probably wasn't meant as anything upsetting and sinister he just managed to not take your clear opinion on board.

MistyCheese · 26-07-2011 03:39PM

JimmyCrackCorn wrote: »

I guess i'm the only one who would be happy and gratefull if i got a pint for my birthday.

But if I asked you, "Jimmy, what would you like for your birthday?" and you responded "Ah, I'm not fussed, really. Just not a pint. I really wouldn't like a pint if that's okay", would you still be pleased with a pint?

pickarooney · 26-07-2011 03:45PM

So it was my birthday last month and my boyfriend asked what I wanted.

...and completely ignored your answer.

It's one thing getting someone a present they don't appreciate - it happens to everyone - but it's another to ignore or second-guess someone, whatever the context.

Unless he tried to get the phone and they were sold out everywhere (and even then he could have explained that) or he ordered it and it hasn't arrived yet, he's been a bit of a dick here.

When in a relationship can you say "That's not fair"?

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