invited to hen, but not wedding

Shmatter · 17-07-2011 11:35PM #1

hi, I'm in a bit of an awkward one and I don't know what to do. I've been invited to a hen, which consists of a weekend away and is proving to be quite expensive, but I'm not invited to the wedding. I had been slightly warned but now the weird thing is, my boyfriends got an invite to the wedding, and we've been going out for 2 years. I was a little offended before and now I'm quite upset, and really don't want to go, the wedding will also require me to get a hotel room for a night. what should I do?

smelltheglove · 17-07-2011 11:48PM

I dont get it, you are invited to the hens but your boyfriend is invited to the wedding, not you...? In that case I would not even consider going to the hens tbh!

Then again I am not a real hens girl, didnt even want one myself.

alchemist33 · 17-07-2011 11:51PM

Are they assuming the BF invite includes you too? If not, you're entitled to be offended.

julyjane · 17-07-2011 11:52PM

That's very odd, I would not go on the hen and I don't think my boyfriend would go to the wedding if I'd been excluded.

Is it possible that the bride 2 be is just inviting everyone and anyone to the hen weekend just because it's abroad and if some people won't go she'll need rent-a-crowd?

I once went to a hen night when I wasn't invited to the wedding, well I was invited to the afters of the wedding, but it was just a night in the pub not a weekend away

Toots · 17-07-2011 11:57PM

julyjane wrote: »

Is it possible that the bride 2 be is just inviting everyone and anyone to the hen weekend just because it's abroad and if some people won't go she'll need rent-a-crowd?

This is what jumped to my mind when I read your OP. If I wasn't invited to the wedding/afters I wouldn't bother going to the hen. I always thought the whole point of the hens was to celebrate the bride's last few weeks of 'freedom' and to get to know some of the other people who'll be going to the wedding

Did the invite for your boyfriend say 'Boyfriend + Guest' or just 'Boyfriend'?

jayteecork · 17-07-2011 11:57PM

I think they just sent the invitation to your boyfriend, obviously expecting you to believe the +1 to be you.

Toots · 17-07-2011 11:59PM

jayteecork wrote: »

I think they just sent the invitation to your boyfriend, obviously expecting you to believe the +1 to be you.

If it doesn't actually say +1 or +Guest, I wouldn't assume anything, last thing you want is to show up on the day and they're not expecting you.

Shmatter · 18-07-2011 12:00AM

Toots* wrote: »

julyjane wrote: »

Is it possible that the bride 2 be is just inviting everyone and anyone to the hen weekend just because it's abroad and if some people won't go she'll need rent-a-crowd?

This is what jumped to my mind when I read your OP. If I wasn't invited to the wedding/afters I wouldn't bother going to the hen. I always thought the whole point of the hens was to celebrate the bride's last few weeks of 'freedom' and to get to know some of the other people who'll be going to the wedding

Did the invite for your boyfriend say 'Boyfriend + Guest' or just 'Boyfriend'?

feeling maybe I'm a rent a crowd now, wouldn't mind if it were local but its expensive you know.

the invite was to his housemate and him, so def not meant to have an implied plus one

exaisle · 18-07-2011 12:10AM

The discreet thing to do would be to find a plausible reason for not attending the hen party.

Oh, dont get them a wedding gift either....

Finally, make up two dolls...a "bride" doll and a "groom" doll. Then buy a big box of needles.....

angeldelight · 18-07-2011 12:30AM

How rude! Honestly, why does it seem that when a couple decide to married, in a lot of cases all manners go out the window. Why should you spend a lot of your money helping her to celebrate her hens when she then quite blatantly and deliberately doesn't invite you to the wedding?! Fair enough I'm sure they have numbers restrictions and are having to be a bit ruthless with the guest list but in that case why would she expect you to go to the hens??

If I were you I wouldn't go to the hens, and try not to let it bother you that you're not going to the wedding.

18-07-2011 10:04AM

that is the rudest thing ever, yet so many people do it - invite people to their hen but not their wedding, whats the story with that? its like they are saying to you " you are good enough to come celebrate ME at MY important weekend away, but you are not good enough to be asked to my wedding......Why would you want to go and spend money on people like that?

Please dont be a number-maker-upper, spend your money on treating yourself instead. And the fact that your boyfriend is invited but not you should further cement your decision.

julyjane · 18-07-2011 10:52AM

Deleted User wrote: »

that is the rudest thing ever, yet so many people do it - invite people to their hen but not their wedding, whats the story with that? its like they are saying to you " you are good enough to come celebrate ME at MY important weekend away, but you are not good enough to be asked to my wedding.....

Because people pay for themselves to go to the hen, some people even pay a little bit extra so that the hen herself goes free, but the bride and groom have to pay for each guest they invite to the wedding. If numbers are tight they might consider it more advantageous to invite rich relatives they haven't seen in years

vibe666 · 18-07-2011 10:58AM

i'd find a way of enquiring where your wedding invite is, it's possible it just got lost in the post or something like that or that you were entirely accidentally missed off the wedding invites list.

that way, you can mention that you're getting yourself ready for the hens but that the wedding invite must have gotten lost in the post and if she gets all awkward and says she didn't invite you then you can throw the hens thing in her face and tell her to get fecked.

mikemac · 18-07-2011 11:04AM

The hen is a weekend away, not local so as you say it'll be expensive
Money is tight so there will be a huge dropout rate from those invited

I've not hear the term rent a crowd before but its sounds like it. You are there to make up the numbers.

Unless the invite to your boyfriend states "plus guest" then you can't assume you are invited. And it should have been one invitation to the two of ye if you are an established couple for two years

Best to drop out OP

FloatingVoter · 18-07-2011 11:09AM

Give the BF your blessing to attend the wedding on one condition. That he gets outrageously drunk and ruins the wedding completely. He may rise to the challenge.:)

That is only after you've done what vibe666 suggested about discreet confrontation.

stargazer 68 · 18-07-2011 11:09AM

I know when my cousin was doing her invite list she invited some friends but not their OH but that was only because they were fairly new on the scene. How do you know the bride OP?

If it was me I wouldnt go to the hen or the afters (plate lickers ball)

Keyzer · 18-07-2011 11:16AM

Don't bother going.

Why should you spend a fortune on the hen night if you're not evening invited to the wedding?

The cheek of some people !!!

Zulu · 18-07-2011 11:20AM

I'd shun the hen, and, frankly, expect your BF to shun the wedding.
You've been going out for 2 years, and they ignored you? Bloody rude.

staker · 18-07-2011 11:28AM

Invited to the hen but not the wedding with your partner!
Is there any way there's a mistake? It must've been some over sight on the bride's behalf. Is your OH a member of any of the to-be-wedded families?
Maybe someone doesn't know ye're together and it's just a simple mistake.
If it was me I'd ask your OH's mates to see what kind of invites they got.

Shmatter · 18-07-2011 11:44AM

Dovies wrote: »

I know when my cousin was doing her invite list she invited some friends but not their OH but that was only because they were fairly new on the scene. How do you know the bride OP?

If it was me I wouldnt go to the hen or the afters (plate lickers ball)

I may ask my boyfriend to not attend the wedding till the afters with me, is that bad? I'd feel a lot less pathetic then

and I'm 100% sure that my invites not lost in the post.

LFC Murphy · 18-07-2011 11:44AM

Is the Bride/Groom to be your BF's friend?

And from a male point of view, when my bestman was organising my stag he had it in his head to invite the whole town. But I put a stop to it and only invited those who were to be invited to the wedding.

Reason was manners and also I'd have felt arkward talking to people knowing they wouldnt be invited.

xaoifsx · 18-07-2011 11:45AM

thats actaully mad..
my cousin had a wedding and it was in the zoo :P it was pretty sweet. i only started going out with my boyfriend around the time she got engaged! but she said he could come to the wedding but he would have to stand in the back..which is fair enough,as the room was very small where they got married, and i didnt know him long enough for him to get a seat

!! and he could come to the afters etc. I didnt bring him to the wedding part because i thought she was being so nice already, and he had to stand! but he didn't mind, at least he had the option to go. It was a good night overall too

he was invited to the hens too if he really wanted to go.. i think that was a joke.. but still.. she was very nice about it.. maybe some brides are totally nice and some are just...not

Toto Wolfcastle · 18-07-2011 11:49AM

Shmatter wrote: »

I may ask my boyfriend to not attend the wedding till the afters with me, is that bad? I'd feel a lot less pathetic then

and I'm 100% sure that my invites not lost in the post.

Are you invited to the afters? That makes things slightly different.

Vegeta · 18-07-2011 11:54AM

I'd have no issue with this I have to say.

If an acquaintance of mine invited me to his stag, and it sounded fun, then I'd go for my own personal enjoyment.

I wouldn't be put out if the wedding guest list was tight and I didn't make it.

Shmatter · 18-07-2011 12:08PM

Vegeta wrote: »

I'd have no issue with this I have to say.

If an acquaintance of mine invited me to his stag, and it sounded fun, then I'd go for my own personal enjoyment.

I wouldn't be put out if the wedding guest list was tight and I didn't make it.

I guess it more that I didn't qualify for a plus one, seeing as I'm close enough to get an invite to the hen.
weird also to celebrate your own relationship all the while insulting anothers

julyjane · 18-07-2011 12:12PM

Shmatter wrote: »

weird also to celebrate your own relationship all the while insulting anothers

Very true.

Daisy M · 18-07-2011 02:00PM

Is this girl an actual friend of yours or do you just know her through your bf? Who invited you to the hen the bride or someone else who is arranging the hen? Also in what manner were you invited, ie was it in a casual off hand way or were you approached with the specific intention of inviting you to the wedding? Have you actually received an evening invite yet, do you know if any other of the hen guests have not been invited to the full wedding?
If you and your bf are serious and have intentions of settling down together getting married, then you could be faced in time to come with the possibility of having to issue an invite to the lady who is currently getting married.
Personally speaking I would not feel obliged to go to the hen, I would make my decision on if I wanted and could afford to go and not if I was insulting someone who was showing no regard for my feelings.

kiersm · 18-07-2011 02:21PM

OP I really wudn't bother going to that hen, why are you good enough for the hen but not for the wedding? Esp if you're expected to spend a lot of money on a weekend away that ur not pushed on going to.

I have to say I do think its unfair to expect people to pay for a weekend away when a lot of people don't have that sort of money to spare anymore!

When I had my hen I did have a few friends there at the hen that weren't invited to the main party of the wedding but that was because my wedding was small (we only had 40 peps at the wedding) & everyone was invited to our afters.

nikkibikki · 19-07-2011 10:17AM

I'd be very reluctant to go to this hen TBH, and very hurt about no wedding invite also. I think hens and stags are slightly different in that a stag is generally just a piss up where as hens can be a bit more intimate IYKWIM.

POKERKING · 19-07-2011 11:04AM

i know its different for stags but i have been on so many that had a good chunk of people who weren't going to the wedding, these stags were abroad(well england), most lads just view them as a piss up and an excuse to go away.

Not sure if it works the same for hens but basically if you got no wedding invite(including the afters) you shouldn't go hens imo, if you have been invited to the afters and your bf to the whole thing i dont think its unreasonable to be invited to the hens. At the end of the day its an invitation to a hens you only go if you want to, the bride to be or no one else is forcing you.

C2 · 19-07-2011 11:29AM

Well IMO, what's even worse is that they sent an invite to your boyfriend + flatmate. To me it seems like a deliberate snub on your relationship of TWO YEARS to send a card to your OH + partner who isn't you (it doesn't matter that it's a friend/housemate).

Having done the whole Hen away night, it's really expensive so I'd keep your head high and bow out of it graciously. You owe her nothing and personally I think it's wrong to ask someone to a hen and not invite them to the wedding. The OP has nothing to gain bar a money drain from her pockets.

invited to hen, but not wedding

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