invited to hen, but not wedding

Shmatter

hi, I'm in a bit of an awkward one and I don't know what to do. I've been invited to a hen, which consists of a weekend away and is proving to be quite expensive, but I'm not invited to the wedding. I had been slightly warned but now the weird thing is, my boyfriends got an invite to the wedding, and we've been going out for 2 years. I was a little offended before and now I'm quite upset, and really don't want to go, the wedding will also require me to get a hotel room for a night. what should I do?

smelltheglove

I dont get it, you are invited to the hens but your boyfriend is invited to the wedding, not you...? In that case I would not even consider going to the hens tbh!

Then again I am not a real hens girl, didnt even want one myself.

alchemist33

Are they assuming the BF invite includes you too? If not, you're entitled to be offended.

julyjane

That's very odd, I would not go on the hen and I don't think my boyfriend would go to the wedding if I'd been excluded.

Is it possible that the bride 2 be is just inviting everyone and anyone to the hen weekend just because it's abroad and if some people won't go she'll need rent-a-crowd?

I once went to a hen night when I wasn't invited to the wedding, well I was invited to the afters of the wedding, but it was just a night in the pub not a weekend away

Toots

julyjane wrote: »

Is it possible that the bride 2 be is just inviting everyone and anyone to the hen weekend just because it's abroad and if some people won't go she'll need rent-a-crowd?

This is what jumped to my mind when I read your OP. If I wasn't invited to the wedding/afters I wouldn't bother going to the hen. I always thought the whole point of the hens was to celebrate the bride's last few weeks of 'freedom' and to get to know some of the other people who'll be going to the wedding

Did the invite for your boyfriend say 'Boyfriend + Guest' or just 'Boyfriend'?

jayteecork

I think they just sent the invitation to your boyfriend, obviously expecting you to believe the +1 to be you.

Toots

jayteecork wrote: »

I think they just sent the invitation to your boyfriend, obviously expecting you to believe the +1 to be you.

If it doesn't actually say +1 or +Guest, I wouldn't assume anything, last thing you want is to show up on the day and they're not expecting you.

Shmatter

Toots* wrote: »

julyjane wrote: »

Is it possible that the bride 2 be is just inviting everyone and anyone to the hen weekend just because it's abroad and if some people won't go she'll need rent-a-crowd?

This is what jumped to my mind when I read your OP. If I wasn't invited to the wedding/afters I wouldn't bother going to the hen. I always thought the whole point of the hens was to celebrate the bride's last few weeks of 'freedom' and to get to know some of the other people who'll be going to the wedding

Did the invite for your boyfriend say 'Boyfriend + Guest' or just 'Boyfriend'?

feeling maybe I'm a rent a crowd now, wouldn't mind if it were local but its expensive you know.

the invite was to his housemate and him, so def not meant to have an implied plus one

exaisle

The discreet thing to do would be to find a plausible reason for not attending the hen party.

Oh, dont get them a wedding gift either....

Finally, make up two dolls...a "bride" doll and a "groom" doll. Then buy a big box of needles.....

angeldelight

How rude! Honestly, why does it seem that when a couple decide to married, in a lot of cases all manners go out the window. Why should you spend a lot of your money helping her to celebrate her hens when she then quite blatantly and deliberately doesn't invite you to the wedding?! Fair enough I'm sure they have numbers restrictions and are having to be a bit ruthless with the guest list but in that case why would she expect you to go to the hens??

If I were you I wouldn't go to the hens, and try not to let it bother you that you're not going to the wedding.

that is the rudest thing ever, yet so many people do it - invite people to their hen but not their wedding, whats the story with that? its like they are saying to you " you are good enough to come celebrate ME at MY important weekend away, but you are not good enough to be asked to my wedding......Why would you want to go and spend money on people like that?

Please dont be a number-maker-upper, spend your money on treating yourself instead. And the fact that your boyfriend is invited but not you should further cement your decision.

julyjane

Deleted User wrote: »

that is the rudest thing ever, yet so many people do it - invite people to their hen but not their wedding, whats the story with that? its like they are saying to you " you are good enough to come celebrate ME at MY important weekend away, but you are not good enough to be asked to my wedding.....

Because people pay for themselves to go to the hen, some people even pay a little bit extra so that the hen herself goes free, but the bride and groom have to pay for each guest they invite to the wedding. If numbers are tight they might consider it more advantageous to invite rich relatives they haven't seen in years

vibe666

i'd find a way of enquiring where your wedding invite is, it's possible it just got lost in the post or something like that or that you were entirely accidentally missed off the wedding invites list.

that way, you can mention that you're getting yourself ready for the hens but that the wedding invite must have gotten lost in the post and if she gets all awkward and says she didn't invite you then you can throw the hens thing in her face and tell her to get fecked.

mikemac

The hen is a weekend away, not local so as you say it'll be expensive
Money is tight so there will be a huge dropout rate from those invited

I've not hear the term rent a crowd before but its sounds like it. You are there to make up the numbers.

Unless the invite to your boyfriend states "plus guest" then you can't assume you are invited. And it should have been one invitation to the two of ye if you are an established couple for two years

Best to drop out OP

FloatingVoter

Give the BF your blessing to attend the wedding on one condition. That he gets outrageously drunk and ruins the wedding completely. He may rise to the challenge.:)

That is only after you've done what vibe666 suggested about discreet confrontation.

stargazer 68

I know when my cousin was doing her invite list she invited some friends but not their OH but that was only because they were fairly new on the scene. How do you know the bride OP?

If it was me I wouldnt go to the hen or the afters (plate lickers ball)

Keyzer

Don't bother going.

Why should you spend a fortune on the hen night if you're not evening invited to the wedding?

The cheek of some people !!!

Zulu

I'd shun the hen, and, frankly, expect your BF to shun the wedding.
You've been going out for 2 years, and they ignored you? Bloody rude.

staker

Invited to the hen but not the wedding with your partner!
Is there any way there's a mistake? It must've been some over sight on the bride's behalf. Is your OH a member of any of the to-be-wedded families?
Maybe someone doesn't know ye're together and it's just a simple mistake.
If it was me I'd ask your OH's mates to see what kind of invites they got.

Shmatter

Dovies wrote: »

I know when my cousin was doing her invite list she invited some friends but not their OH but that was only because they were fairly new on the scene. How do you know the bride OP?

If it was me I wouldnt go to the hen or the afters (plate lickers ball)

I may ask my boyfriend to not attend the wedding till the afters with me, is that bad? I'd feel a lot less pathetic then

and I'm 100% sure that my invites not lost in the post.

LFC Murphy

Is the Bride/Groom to be your BF's friend?

And from a male point of view, when my bestman was organising my stag he had it in his head to invite the whole town. But I put a stop to it and only invited those who were to be invited to the wedding.

Reason was manners and also I'd have felt arkward talking to people knowing they wouldnt be invited.

xaoifsx

thats actaully mad..
my cousin had a wedding and it was in the zoo :P it was pretty sweet. i only started going out with my boyfriend around the time she got engaged! but she said he could come to the wedding but he would have to stand in the back..which is fair enough,as the room was very small where they got married, and i didnt know him long enough for him to get a seat !! and he could come to the afters etc. I didnt bring him to the wedding part because i thought she was being so nice already, and he had to stand! but he didn't mind, at least he had the option to go. It was a good night overall too
he was invited to the hens too if he really wanted to go.. i think that was a joke.. but still.. she was very nice about it.. maybe some brides are totally nice and some are just...not

Toto Wolfcastle

Shmatter wrote: »

I may ask my boyfriend to not attend the wedding till the afters with me, is that bad? I'd feel a lot less pathetic then

and I'm 100% sure that my invites not lost in the post.

Are you invited to the afters? That makes things slightly different.

Vegeta

I'd have no issue with this I have to say.

If an acquaintance of mine invited me to his stag, and it sounded fun, then I'd go for my own personal enjoyment.

I wouldn't be put out if the wedding guest list was tight and I didn't make it.

Shmatter

Vegeta wrote: »

I'd have no issue with this I have to say.

If an acquaintance of mine invited me to his stag, and it sounded fun, then I'd go for my own personal enjoyment.

I wouldn't be put out if the wedding guest list was tight and I didn't make it.

I guess it more that I didn't qualify for a plus one, seeing as I'm close enough to get an invite to the hen.
weird also to celebrate your own relationship all the while insulting anothers

julyjane

Shmatter wrote: »

weird also to celebrate your own relationship all the while insulting anothers

Very true.

Daisy M

Is this girl an actual friend of yours or do you just know her through your bf? Who invited you to the hen the bride or someone else who is arranging the hen? Also in what manner were you invited, ie was it in a casual off hand way or were you approached with the specific intention of inviting you to the wedding? Have you actually received an evening invite yet, do you know if any other of the hen guests have not been invited to the full wedding?
If you and your bf are serious and have intentions of settling down together getting married, then you could be faced in time to come with the possibility of having to issue an invite to the lady who is currently getting married.
Personally speaking I would not feel obliged to go to the hen, I would make my decision on if I wanted and could afford to go and not if I was insulting someone who was showing no regard for my feelings.

kiersm

OP I really wudn't bother going to that hen, why are you good enough for the hen but not for the wedding? Esp if you're expected to spend a lot of money on a weekend away that ur not pushed on going to.

I have to say I do think its unfair to expect people to pay for a weekend away when a lot of people don't have that sort of money to spare anymore!

When I had my hen I did have a few friends there at the hen that weren't invited to the main party of the wedding but that was because my wedding was small (we only had 40 peps at the wedding) & everyone was invited to our afters.

nikkibikki

I'd be very reluctant to go to this hen TBH, and very hurt about no wedding invite also. I think hens and stags are slightly different in that a stag is generally just a piss up where as hens can be a bit more intimate IYKWIM.

POKERKING

i know its different for stags but i have been on so many that had a good chunk of people who weren't going to the wedding, these stags were abroad(well england), most lads just view them as a piss up and an excuse to go away.

Not sure if it works the same for hens but basically if you got no wedding invite(including the afters) you shouldn't go hens imo, if you have been invited to the afters and your bf to the whole thing i dont think its unreasonable to be invited to the hens. At the end of the day its an invitation to a hens you only go if you want to, the bride to be or no one else is forcing you.

C2

Well IMO, what's even worse is that they sent an invite to your boyfriend + flatmate. To me it seems like a deliberate snub on your relationship of TWO YEARS to send a card to your OH + partner who isn't you (it doesn't matter that it's a friend/housemate).

Having done the whole Hen away night, it's really expensive so I'd keep your head high and bow out of it graciously. You owe her nothing and personally I think it's wrong to ask someone to a hen and not invite them to the wedding. The OP has nothing to gain bar a money drain from her pockets.

whatdoicare

I wouldn't bother going if I was you- it smacks very much of a bride and groom wanting the cake and eating it too- they want you and yr OH to fork out for the hen and stag, plus present etc but without having to pay for you to attend the important part. I also reckon they are banking on yr fella sticking with you and not going for the meal. It costs nothing to invite someone to an afters. Hotels actually advise you only budget for 60% of guests when paying for afters (which is what we did and noone went hungry)

Make damn sure you don't go to that hen, it's very bad form what they did there.

Frank Black

Way too much over-analysis and assumptions on this thread.
Why not go to the hen if you want to or alternatively don’t go to the hen if you don’t want to?
Simples.


Or am I missing something?

POKERKING

black francis wrote: »

Way too much over-analysis and assumptions on this thread.
Why not go to the hen if you want to or alternatively don’t go to the hen if you don’t want to?
Simples.


Or am I missing something?

your pretty much missing the whole point of the thread....

Teyla Emmagan

Don't even dream of going to the hen OP.

curlywurly26

I think the most insulting part of this is that you've been going out for 2 years yet weren't on the invite with him!? I've been going out with my boyf for 2 1/2 years and I'd be quite insulted if I wasn't invited along to a wedding with him - and I don't think he'd be impressed if I wasn't invited either!
It's one thing not doing a generic +1 for people as you want to keep numbers down but to not invite a long term partner is just rude.
Plus, I don't think your invite is lost in the post as why would they send you and your boyf seperate invites?

The hen party thing is completely up to you but if it costs a lot, do you really want to spend your hard earned money on someone who obviously isn't willing to do the same for you?

Balmed Out

Is this a very small wedding?
If so then it may be fair enough and inviting you to the hen is trying to make up for not inviting you to the wedding.
You dont have to go if you dont want to.

Penny Dreadful

Bobblehead Panda wrote: »

Are you invited to the afters? That makes things slightly different.

Slightly different as in worse:eek:
You're not invited to the wedding itself but you are expected to attend an expensive hens weekend and then be grateful that you've been invited to the afters of the wedding itself.....boo hisss
**feel the need to state for the record that I dislike hen parties anyway and cannot understand that need for an afters party at a wedding. You're either invited or you're not.

toadfly

I wouldn't go OP, not a hope.

Friend of mine is with her OH 8 years, they are getting married next year and he got an invite to a wedding for him plus guest. So rude.

susiebubbles

OP any reason why you are only invited to the afters? Have you spoken to the bride/groom your bf about it?

Heineken Helen

Balmed Out wrote: »

Is this a very small wedding?
If so then it may be fair enough and inviting you to the hen is trying to make up for not inviting you to the wedding.
You dont have to go if you dont want to.

Possibly... we had a small wedding and were quite open with how we could only afford to see people we see regularly. However, there were other people who I felt seriously bad I couldn't invite (but hadn't seen them in years and don't talk to them often) so I invited them to the hen cos I wanted them to be involved somehow. However, none of their other halves were invited . The hen party was not a rent a crowd by any means but also to include those who couldn't come.

If this is genuinely a rudeness thing though, I'd simply turn up to the wedding as a plus 1 and say you assumed it was plus 1 . I've heard of people doing that.

Balmed Out

Balmed Out wrote: »

Is this a very small wedding?
If so then it may be fair enough and inviting you to the hen is trying to make up for not inviting you to the wedding.
You dont have to go if you dont want to.

are you serious? how is expecting somebody to shell out a fortune for a hen party and not inviting them to a wedding "making it up to them"

Prehaps the bride could "make it up" to her by treating HER, and not the other way around.

Shmatter

susiebubbles wrote: »

OP any reason why you are only invited to the afters? Have you spoken to the bride/groom your bf about it?

I've spoken to my boyfriend, I think we're both going to go together, which means to the afters, or not at all.

Deleted User wrote: »

are you serious? how is expecting somebody to shell out a fortune for a hen party and not inviting them to a wedding "making it up to them"

Prehaps the bride could "make it up" to her by treating HER, and not the other way around.

I don't know how much it costs for a seat in a wedding, but the hen is looking at a good few hundred at this stage, I'm obviously not going

AnnyHallsal

I think this is rude as all hell and certainly wouldn't go if I didn't want to.

Bubblegums

Don't go to the hen thingy. Simples! She seems like a bridezilla wan off the tv hehehe

I had it the other way round, 3 of us came to my 'hen' night (it was a quiet dinner out) and the bridesmaid and mother of the bride didn't even make it lol

Bubblegums

TillyGirl wrote: »

I wouldn't go OP, not a hope.

Friend of mine is with her OH 8 years, they are getting married next year and he got an invite to a wedding for him plus guest. So rude.

I was invited to a work person's wedding as myself '... and partner' ... we are married...?!? They never bothered their ass to find out my husband's name... the invite itself was full of errors, not even the proper address for the church, no time on it, no reception venue on it even! So we never bothered going, and never bothered giving a present, or even mentioned the wedding, I acted like I was never invited as the invite had just been left on my desk on a day I was out of the office, no one asked was I going, no one said anything, weird but lol :rolleyes:

Saaron

Very odd! Definitely wouldn't go.

Heineken Helen

Bubblegums wrote: »

I was invited to a work person's wedding as myself '... and partner' ... we are married...?!? They never bothered their ass to find out my husband's name... the invite itself was full of errors, not even the proper address for the church, no time on it, no reception venue on it even! So we never bothered going, and never bothered giving a present, or even mentioned the wedding, I acted like I was never invited as the invite had just been left on my desk on a day I was out of the office, no one asked was I going, no one said anything, weird but lol :rolleyes:

Wow... just... wow! A work person invited you and your partner (husband counts as partner) and you didn't even reply? Not finding your partners name doesn't count as rude... not replying does!

Happyzebra

I got invited to a work mates wedding but didn't get the invite until after the rsvp date! I didn't go....and didn't rsvp ... No point I'd missed the deadline

LLU

that's a ridiculous snub. tell her you're not going on her hen weekend and furthermore wish her a bout of food poisoning on it.

LadyTBolt

Shmatter wrote: »

I may ask my boyfriend to not attend the wedding till the afters with me, is that bad? I'd feel a lot less pathetic then

and I'm 100% sure that my invites not lost in the post.

I find all of this a bit strange to say the least and I think there is more to it than meets the eye.

You have been invited to the hen.
You have not received an invite to the wedding.
You have not been invited on your Boyfriend of 2 yrs' invitation - but his house mate has.

I reckon you were invited to the hen out of politeness.
If you haven't been invited to the wedding directly nor as your BF's +1 then the Bride & Groom did not intend on you being at the wedding.
If they did want to invite you would they not have put you and your BF down together and the housemate on his own?

Don't go to the hen and don't give a reason.
I think by not inviting you directly/indirectly but inviting you to the hen is a bit of an insult.
At this stage I wouldn't even go to the afters.