Miscarriage and an unplanned pregnancy.

LegacyUser · 21-06-2011 12:01AM

atalossguest: Thank you for posting your story. I am so so very sorry that you have had to go through this alone for such a long time. I have not told my parents yet about my miscarriage and it is killing me. I am reading a book about grief at the moment and it says one of the things you need to do is tell people that you are feeling sad about x y or z or you can't move on. That is such a scary thought. The longer this goes on the harder it will be for me to tell my parents. Infact, the councellor was giving me quite a hard time about it on Friday. I really don't want to bring this sadness into their lives. And I know they will be very hurt that I didn't let them know at the time. The councellor says I need to deal with my own sadness and stop worrying about other people's feelings. I am also afraid that my parents might say the wrong thing to me unintentionally and I'm not strong enough for that. I have no partner to go back to and say ....can you believe mum said that or dad said that.

I considered abortion and for the very reasons that I did not want to be judged. A lot of people did not even know I had a boyfriend. All these decisions, all these choices, all these things out of our control and all these women punishing themselves. Its so wrong.

I remember being on the bus one of the first days I was pregnant when I was still considering abortion and looking at all the women around me and wondering how many of them had been through this crisis pregnancy situation. When I went to the Well Woman Clinic for counselling, it also offered counselling for post abortion and it said it didn't matter how long ago you had the abortion. I told a friend who still feels sad about an abortion she had years ago. But she's not interested. I can totally guarantee you though that the lady I've been dealing with is 100% non-judgemental. I hope you forgive yourself and that you understand that the decision you made was your best decision at a time when you were stressed, vulnerable and alone.

I'm not sure if I wrote about this here, but a few days after the miscarriage, I was driving across the city and a little kitten ran in front of me. I managed to break but the kitten ran to the kerb and cars were still driving past. In a split second, I could see huge fear in the kittens face and eyes. That's how I felt. I cried for about an hour after that and I can still see the kitten's face. I think all women must feel like that when they find out they're pregnant when it's not planned. Don't ever underestimate how scared you were when you made the choice. I can totally understand why you would fear being judged. Abortion is such a taboo subject. But nobody will ever understand what they would do unless they've been in the situation themselves.

That is so beautiful that the pyschic told you that your baby was looking down on you and is with you. I hope that thought and the poems on this thread give you comfort as you remember that lonely and sad time in your life. I hope you also have found somebody that will look after you and if you need to tell someone how your feeling you can pm me or continue to post here. Everybody who has been posting here has been so supportive.

Brophy: I am so sorry for your loss. You have had an awful time. You still are having an awful time. Thank you for your advice. I am using this thread like a journal and it is really helping. I really don't know what words to say to you. I am so heartbroken for you. You must have named your baby and held the baby in your arms. What a huge loss. It would be very hard, I imagine, for any couple to cope with that. I am thinking of you and thank you for sharing your story.

I didn't have a great today. Just going through the motions. I read some of my grief book. It is helping. I guess I had no understanding of grief before this, so I had no idea what to expect. The book is helping me understand what I am going through. I really missed my ex today as well, but thats all part of the process. I also know that I will get over the relationship with my ex. (Yay... some light at the end of the tunnel!) However, I have to accept that I will always carry the sadness of the loss of my baby.

I'll look for that poem you suggested Brophy and maybe post it.

Thank you

LegacyUser · 23-06-2011 05:21PM

.....I felt positive today.

I think it's my first day where I didn't feel like I was going through the motions of life. I actually felt like I was living again. Then, I had a cry, but a sort of a maybe I'm moving on cry.

When I went out walking there was a lovely breeze. Every time I feel a breeze now, I wonder is it the baby telling me she's still with me, willing me to go forward in life. I got it from the poem Novella posted. It's the one line that has stuck with me.

I bought some plants after I miscarried but I'm moving house now so I can't bring them with me. I think I'll buy a print in a frame someday. The baby was due in December. The ponsietta is the flower of December. It's a very strong red colour, which I love. If I find a nice print or painting of the poinsietta, I'll buy it.

I've had no communication with my ex since last Sunday. It's very hard, but it's good. Each day that comes, I feel a little stronger. I realise it's the right decision not to be with him. There are moments when I doubt myself. Am I trying too hard to be strong at this time? However, I'm beginning to separate the emotions I feel about the baby, and the emotions I have about the relationship. They are not tied. I have lost my baby forever. She will never be replaced. She was innocent and fought hard for 8 weeks. She was like me! She even hung around an extra two and a half weeks so I could see her in my womb. My ex made his choices to not give himself fully to our relationship, for whatever reason. It's a different issue. I felt I was staying with my ex for the baby. But today I feel the baby wouldn't want me to stay with somebody who wasn't sure. I'm doing the right thing. I wish I didn't have to make these choices at this time, but even I didn't know I could be so strong.

It's so strange. I'm still very sad but I feel more comfortable about being sad than before.

Each day it does get a little bit easier. Each day I find I'm a little bit more positive. Then I regress, then I go forward..........just like the wave that the councellor spoke to me about. But each time I go forward, I go a little bit further. What a journey!

Maple · 23-06-2011 07:02PM

OP, I am so so terribly sorry for your loss and I completely empathise with the rollercoaster of emotions you must be feeling right now. I feel the loss of a child marks us, those marks may not be visible but it can feel like you're fractured with grief and you don't know how to reconnect all the pieces of yourself, it's so disjointing.

You need to grieve for your baby, do what is best for you. You need comfort at this sad time of your life, I know you feel like it might upset your parents but they might be ever so upset to know that you're carrying this burden of grief by yourself.

You need to acknowledge your baby in some way, the picture of the flower is a lovely idea, jewellery is also another idea, I don't know if you feel this would be too morbid but Miscarriage Ireland have a book of remembrance whereby you can write something specifically for your baby and have it entered into this book. Info is here.

There are also miscarriage memorial stones, info here.

You need to grieve for your baby, and also for yourself, for the loss of your hopes and dreams for your future with your little girl. And it is doubly hard because you are dealing with this loss without the support of a partner, so you are caught in a cycle of grief and anger, you wonder how he is, how he is feeling, you get angry that you do not have his support and that you cannot support him, then you become enraged as you feel that he couldn't possibly be as affected by all this as you are. It is so horrible, so draining, so sad.

Please know that the energy that made up your baby knows that you love her, she knows this and she is with you and will always be with you, loving you and looking over her Mummy. This was not her time but she knows that you love her.

Please take care.

SparkyTech · 23-06-2011 08:11PM

Condolences and deep sympathy to you. Take care.

LegacyUser · 23-06-2011 10:52PM

Spot on Maple. Thank you. You have described exactly what is happening in my head and my heart.

I've lost my baby.
I've lost my relationship.
My parents have lost a grandchild they didn't even know they were expecting.
I would love to have a partner right now who could help me and I would love to help my partner. I guess I can't be a mother nor can I be the loving, supportive partner either in the wake of our loss. I feel I've not only lost his support but I would love to be a comforter right now as well. None of this is black and white. Its simple to say 'stay away from him' but there are times of the day when I long for him to reach out to me and tell me that he needs me. I wonder does he feel the same pain as me. Does he think about our baby as much as I do? Does he realise now, that he does want to be a dad, like I found out that I really want to be a mother?

And don't worry guys.....no need to tell me to stay away from him.......I am staying away from him, but I can't control my thoughts, and I can't stop thinking about him.....but I've been through hard break ups before and I know all of this will pass.

Right now the hardest thing is how do I tell my parents? I want to but in a way its easier not to. I completely understand why people are telling me to tell them. But how? Its the most devastating news I'll ever have to give them. They would love a grandchild. And the longer I leave it the the more hurtful it might be. Am I over dramatising everything? This is so painful, I want to protect them from this pain. But will it be as painful for them? I am healthy and I am free now to find a man who can make me happy.

Initially I thought I could tell them when I'm pregnant again, when I have good news. But I might not be pregnant again. And if I am not pregnant again, will I carry this huge guilt for not telling them? I guess there is never a good time to tell your parents this news. I also guess if I had a supportive partner it would lessen the need to tell them. It would also be easier to tell them because I could say 'its sad but me an x can try again and x has been great'. Its all a vicious circle. I should tell them because they would want to be there for me. But I don't want them to hurt. I will be fine and they need never know. But that makes me feel guilty. And I should not feel guilty because in all of this, I have done nothing wrong to feel guilty about.

Thanks SparkyTech for your sympathy.

By the ways guys thanks for reading and listening and posting. I am holding up really well. This thread is really helping me be honest with myself. Your replies have really helped me understand my own thoughts. I hope somebody who is afraid to post and is having a similar experience is getting help from this too.

Maple thank you for going to the trouble of posting the links to miscarriage.ie
I haven't been in touch with them yet, but I will in time. Just not ready yet. I really want to think about what I write in the book of remembrance. And I guess deep down, I would love my mum and dad to be able to write something too if they'd like to. My mum is brilliant at writing letters and cards and my dad keeps a journal. I guess I'm beginning to take after them with my blog type internet thread here on boards!

Can I also thank the mods who are posting my posts here? I'm remaining anonymous. But I have been a regular poster on boards. I feel my opportunity to write here has helped me hugely. But knowing that people 'out there' are following the most honest version of my story seems to help me too.

theg81der · 24-06-2011 02:00AM

Sorry I gave you the "stay away from him" line, didn`t mean it to sound flipant it wasn`t

.

I wouldn`t tell my parents if I was you, why would you put yourself through that if you don`t want to but if you want to do, this is all about you and what your comfortable with don`t be railroaded or convinced.

It makes me sad reading about how other people mark their miscarriages and remember their babies - people made me too embarrased like i was being silly. I feel like I let them devalue my baby somehow. You go to hospital and all you hear is "products of conception" repeatedly no matter how many dirty looks you give them, you go home and people say "you`ll have another one" like they are disposable or replaceable in some way, "Gods will" others say while looking at you fully expecting to see comfort on your face, "you need to take it easy next time" making you think - omg is this is my fault why didn`t I do x.y or z.......and your so emotional, if your like me, that you let people make you think your being overly sensitive so you don`t mark your babies existence in a picture or poem you don`t mourne the day they were suppose to arrive and you bury your grief and all your fears for future pregnancies.

Sad111 you`ve really brought my miscarriage to the forfront of my mind and made me wake up to something. I`ve been finding so many excuses not to start trying for a baby but the truth is - I`m terrified, a miscarriage, as Maple says, marks you.

LegacyUser · 24-06-2011 02:40PM

theg81der...don't feel sorry....no apologies needed on this thread!!

I can't work out my own head at the moment so I've no doubt strangers are looking in thinking one minute she says this another minute she said that....! Much better that people are telling me to stay away from him than telling me to give him another chance! (which would be crazy advice, I know)

I'm so sorry that your experience of miscarriage was as it was. Its not too late to do something to remember your baby. The baby is always with you, as you now know. It sounds like you have been very hard on yourself, and maybe it's time to forgive yourself. I for one would love to hear you do something for you and your baby in relation to your sad experience. It happened, your pregnancy existed.

I think because not many people know you're pregnant in the first place, it's hard to be open about it. And then after the initial shock of miscarriage is over, everyone else seems to get on with their lives. There are times, especially now because I don't have contact with me ex, that I wonder did it actually all happen? I got really angry with him about that this morning. I feel his behaviour has robbed me of a channel to remember my baby. I can actually admit now, that I didn't even know I loved the baby that much, until two weeks after the miscarriage! All the time I was carrying her, I worried about whether I had enough money, how I was going to tell my parents, my employers, would I ever have another adventurous holiday again in my life, was my boyfriend trustworthy, was he worth another chance? Selfish things, but I'm sure thats the norm when you're pregnant. Next pregnancy, I won't be as stressed about those things. And thats one lesson I've learned the hard way.

I hope you can talk to somebody about your experience the g81der. When you do open up, you realise how a lot of people just don't get it, (I would have been one of them before), but there are many people out there who understand how painful it must be for you, and even just that acknowledgement helps so much. You will be a mother. I will be a mother. We will be terrified when we are pregnant but thats all part of it. We will see heartbeats at the scan. We will feel the baby kicking. We will choose buggies and cots. We will hold our babies in our arms. We will go through the pain of labour a million times and back and not fear it, as long as we have healthy babies at the end. We will feel our hearts bursting with joy when they smile and our hearts break when they cry. We will get to say I am his/her mother....and know that our 'lost' babies had a hand in making this happen....

I wish.....anyway!

LegacyUser · 24-06-2011 03:21PM

<snip>

Mod note - really not appropriate in THIS thread.

theg81der · 24-06-2011 10:50PM

sad111 if I`m honest with you there is a lot more to the story - I don`t know if you heard about the "mix ups" at drogheda hospital 2 years ago? anyway I am one of the people involved so I feel enormous guilt.

Lola92 · 24-06-2011 11:36PM

theg81der wrote: »

sad111 if I`m honest with you there is a lot more to the story - I don`t know if you heard about the "mix ups" at drogheda hospital 2 years ago? anyway I am one of the people involved so I feel enormous guilt.

To lose a child under any circumstances is so tragic, but what you must have gone through words can not describe. I am so so sorry for your loss, and so in awe of your courage and the strength you show to get up each day and live life.

I just wanted to let you ladies know you and your babies are in my thoughts and prayers. You are all amazing parents and no one can ever take that knowledge away from you.

Take care of yourselves, I will keep an eye on this thread to see how you are doing.

LegacyUser · 24-06-2011 11:56PM

I don't think anyone has anything to say about my post or they are just horrified/indifferent by me what i had done.
It doesn't make any make any difference anyways. I didn't write to get it responses, i wrote it to say i understand about lose and to tell my experiences of it.

LegacyUser · 25-06-2011 01:03AM

theg81der - So so sad (and angry) to hear that for you. I assume you are talking about the miscarriage misdiagnosis. That all became public knowledge when I had just found out I was pregnant. I remember thinking 'jesus! Why not twist the knife even deeper?" You have been robbed of your baby but also perhaps some peace of mind that it was all inevitable. I feel so heartbroken for you, that you would feel guilty. You have no reason to feel that way. If you are in any way spiritual you will know that God takes only the ones that he wants under whatever circumstances he has to.....even in the cruelest way possible to the mother. But I don't know if you are spiritual, and I don't know if that helps. The whole 'my angel is in heaven' really helped me at the beginning but I'm losing it all a bit now. But here is another nice poem which really helped me initially. I even read it to my ex!

"I know I'll see the sun shine bright
upon my baby's face....
When I finally get to heaven,
all my pain will be erased.

We'll soar the skies together,
as angels two by two.
We'll have a sweet reunion,
this mother's dream come true!"
~Unknown

Lifecanbesad99: So sorry for your losses. You have been in very difficult circumstances and I can totally understand your choice to abort. It was, infact, a very selfless thing to do. I was so lucky that I had two friends telling me I would be a great mum the whole way through my uncertainty. When I had made my decision to keep the baby my boyfriend told me I would be a great mum and he was so happy I was going to be the mother of his child. I was also lucky that I spoke to a councellor when I did. ( infact, I was lucky I had broken up with my boyfriend when I found out I was pregnant or I would never have called the councellor. We (my ex and I) probably would have decided together to have had an abortion otherwise)

If I had had an abortion, it would never have been for selfish reasons, but the opposite, because I didn't believe I would or my circumstances would be good enough for a child. This is exactly what you have described how you felt. I am so sorry that you had no-one around to tell you that you would be a great mum like I was told. The councellor picked up on my innate want for a baby, even though I had been in denial and told me to wait.......and I am so grateful she said that to me. Since making my decision to keep the baby, friends of mine, who have aborted and feel they made the right choice to abort, have told me that they knew immediately that they did not want to be pregnant. They didn't like the feeling of the baby inside them. They wanted to get on with their lives immediately and had no doubt. These are people who have children or have gone on to have children or women who haven't had children. It's either the right thing or the wrong thing to do for YOU as a woman. Nobody else should influence YOUR gut feeling. My ex didn't want the baby and that was influencing me because there is no way in hell that I wanted to be a single mother. I told the councellor that I didn't want to be a single mother full stop. She told me I had to stop letting other people's choices rule my needs and wants.

To be honest, I didn't really know what I wanted. There was no voice screaming out to me, 'keep the baby'. But neither was there a voice screaming 'get rid of the baby". But the bottom line was I felt there was a 'baby' inside me. My ex didn't think it was a 'baby' yet. I understand that. I can see why people might think if it is still only the size of a pin head or a grape seed it is not a baby. That's how I would have felt about other people's babies until I realised I had a little pinhead or grapeseed growing in me. My instinct was to protect this life, and let it grow.......

My angel,

I guess I didn't protect you enough.....you grew to the size of not even a jelly baby and I saw your head and your body at 8 weeks and 1 day. You stayed there in me sleeping for two and a half weeks. What a fighter you were my little one, your mum had only decided to keep you for definite a day or two before your little heartbeat died. I'm sorry if you didn't always feel welcome.........I would do anything to have you back.....xxx

LegacyUser · 25-06-2011 01:11AM

hey lola

thanks for your support

Ickle Magoo · 25-06-2011 10:32AM

lifecanbeverysad99 wrote: »

I don't think anyone has anything to say about my post or they are just horrified/indifferent by me what i had done.
It doesn't make any make any difference anyways. I didn't write to get it responses, i wrote it to say i understand about lose and to tell my experiences of it.

If you wish responses or replies aimed at yourself rather than the OP, please feel free to start your own thread.

ETA - I've deleted lifecanbeverysad99's original post as I don't think it is appropriate on this thread. Any more posts by them in this thread will not be approved.

Can we please get back to the purpose of the thread, and indeed this forum, support for the original poster.

Many thanks

LegacyUser · 27-06-2011 12:49AM

wow two days I've felt like a different woman. I can feel the transformation.

For the first time in weeks I was able to get some work done. (I have a deadline of the beginning of July, and I'm two weeks behind already

) At this time of year I work on my own. I find it hard at the best of times but I have not done a tap this month at all until yesterday! I managed to do some clearing to get ready for my big move on Friday

My ex sent me two texts and I didn't reply to either. I'm still finding it hard to get to sleep, but once I do get to sleep I'm out for the night. I'm thinking about the baby and my loss with acceptance. I still felt her willing me to go on this evening with the breeze as I was out running in the crazy heat! I still miss her and I still wonder about the what would have been. I still look at pregnant women with envy but I'm not anxious about getting the text from a close friend who was due last Saturday to say her baby has been born.

Its a good time for me to move on. I'm so happy I found somewhere new to move to. I really feel the baby is looking after me. I really feel I've grown up a lot in the last two months or so. Who'd have thought a 36 year old could say that? When I was 25 I thought I knew it all. It's true the older you get, the more you realise just how little you do know.

This has been so hard, and I still get the odd moment of 'why me?'. I will always feel sad that my first experience of motherhood and pregnancy ended up this way. I'm beginning to see what a huge challenge this has been for me in terms of maturity, self-respect and strength.

And guess what the answer is?............I've been underestimating myself for far too long!

Time to start living and believing again. I hope this experience makes me a better person. I now know that not everything can be 'fixed'. I've never experienced that before.

I used this prayer when I was pregnant. I'm not a mass-goer but I do believe there is a God and an after-life. I did question God after my miscarriage and when I discovered that my ex had been lying to me all that time. I still do wonder why it all happened to me like this? It's been pretty cruel. But I won't move on if I keep searching for answers when there are none, so it's time to use this prayer again

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Maple · 27-06-2011 09:34PM

sad111 wrote: »

Its simple to say 'stay away from him' but there are times of the day when I long for him to reach out to me and tell me that he needs me. I wonder does he feel the same pain as me. Does he think about our baby as much as I do? Does he realise now, that he does want to be a dad, like I found out that I really want to be a mother?

It is so very easy to say stay away, but you are inextricably linked to this man forever. He will always be what, were the Universe in the best place, could have been the father of your first child. That is a bond between you. It is so very very sad that you guys are no longer together, it is cruel and it is such an emotional rollercoaster for you to endure.

It might be something for you to think about in the future, perhaps you do need to have a conversation with him, have some time whereby you both allow yourselves to voice your sadness.

But at the minute, please just concentrate on yourself and your own hurts and to getting yourself back to an equilibrium.

sad111 wrote: »

Right now the hardest thing is how do I tell my parents? I want to but in a way its easier not to. I completely understand why people are telling me to tell them. But how? Its the most devastating news I'll ever have to give them. They would love a grandchild. And the longer I leave it the the more hurtful it might be. Am I over dramatising everything? This is so painful, I want to protect them from this pain. But will it be as painful for them? I am healthy and I am free now to find a man who can make me happy.

Initially I thought I could tell them when I'm pregnant again, when I have good news. But I might not be pregnant again. And if I am not pregnant again, will I carry this huge guilt for not telling them? I guess there is never a good time to tell your parents this news. I also guess if I had a supportive partner it would lessen the need to tell them. It would also be easier to tell them because I could say 'its sad but me an x can try again and x has been great'. Its all a vicious circle. I should tell them because they would want to be there for me. But I don't want them to hurt. I will be fine and they need never know. But that makes me feel guilty. And I should not feel guilty because in all of this, I have done nothing wrong to feel guilty about.

What do you need in all of this? Yes, your parents might be very sad. Of course they will be, but what do you need in all of this? Do you not think that you deserve the chance to have your folks mind you and love you?

Just think about what you need, I sincerely doubt having read your posts that you would give them unnecessary pain but just think about what you need right now.

theg81der wrote: »

It makes me sad reading about how other people mark their miscarriages and remember their babies - people made me too embarrased like i was being silly. I feel like I let them devalue my baby somehow. You go to hospital and all you hear is "products of conception" repeatedly no matter how many dirty looks you give them, you go home and people say "you`ll have another one" like they are disposable or replaceable in some way, "Gods will" others say while looking at you fully expecting to see comfort on your face, "you need to take it easy next time" making you think - omg is this is my fault why didn`t I do x.y or z.......and your so emotional, if your like me, that you let people make you think your being overly sensitive so you don`t mark your babies existence in a picture or poem you don`t mourne the day they were suppose to arrive and you bury your grief and all your fears for future pregnancies.

There is no time limit on you marking the loss of your baby. At that particular time your head and heart are so scrambled that you find it hard to make sense of anything. People are awkward and bluster and try to soothe you with words that feel like sandpaper on your raw skin.

But there is no time limit, you may have not been able to mark your loss at that time. But you are ready now.

theg81der wrote: »

Sad111 you`ve really brought my miscarriage to the forfront of my mind and made me wake up to something. I`ve been finding so many excuses not to start trying for a baby but the truth is - I`m terrified, a miscarriage, as Maple says, marks you.

It is terrifying, it is the scariest thing in the world, but if this is what you truly want then do not deny yourself your heart's greatest wish. The passed soul of your little lost baby would not want that for you.

sad111 wrote: »

My angel,

I guess I didn't protect you enough.....you grew to the size of not even a jelly baby and I saw your head and your body at 8 weeks and 1 day. You stayed there in me sleeping for two and a half weeks. What a fighter you were my little one, your mum had only decided to keep you for definite a day or two before your little heartbeat died. I'm sorry if you didn't always feel welcome.........I would do anything to have you back.....xxx

Please do not put this guilt on yourself. Your baby would understand how frightened you were initially, and she would know that you would have loved her and been the best Mummy you could have been if the time was right for you both to be together.

It is so very sad and so very cruel, but it was not the time for your baby, but I'm sure she is always with you and knows how much you love her.

LegacyUser · 27-06-2011 10:59PM

Thanks Maple.

You have all been very helpful.

It is true that when you miscarry your head is a big scramble. I went back to work the week after my miscarriage even though the hospital advised me not to. That week is a big haze to me. I can't remember anything I did.

I'm definitely beginning to think clearer now. I'm working out what is the best thing for me right now. I'm not as anxious about the future and the 'if onlys or what if's' . I won't begin to enjoy life again unless I begin to think positively. I'm getting there.......and I'm surprised how different I feel now to this day last week.

Hope you're ok theg81nder

LegacyUser · 22-07-2011 02:52AM

I'm the same age as you OP. I had my miscarriage at 26, in a 'not perfect' relationship. Now I'm also in a not great relationship and on my third round of ivf. It took me about a year to take in the miscarriage. I don't grieve for it anymore, but that's ten years later. Stopped grieving after about three years but the pain wasn't intense all that time.
The good news is that you're getting through this, but accept it will take alot of time. The other good news is that you're able to get pregnant. Take this from a woman in the 'infertile community', - having a miscarriage is actually not such bad news because it means your body is working. That sounds harsh, but my friend has a miscarriage in a bad relationship at 35, and then had a baby at 39 and again at 40. I'm not trying to minimise your pain, I'm just saying that life is really tough and miscarriages are part of life for many humans and you still have lots to look forward to. Just accept that this will hurt for quite awhile. Stuff like this defines us as people. I'm sorry yer man is not up to scratch, it's no reflection on you. Chin up girl. xxx

LegacyUser · 22-07-2011 04:25PM

Thanks somuchtodo

It was nice to see your message this morning and I've been thinking about it a lot today. You are right. Sadly miscarriage is now a part of my life, and I happened to discover how wrong the relationship I was in was, as I found out I was pregnant.
I'm still hurting but it's more bearable. I know if I want children I don't have time to sit around and mope, get angry or bitter. I just have to get on with life and be as positive about my situation as possible. I'm still very healthy. I have loads of wonderful friends and a family who adore me. I finally moved out on my own, and I love it. I've been running and have already built myself up to 7 miles today! (Beginning to fit back in to my nice clothes again

). The move was great also, because I'm meeting lots of friends I wouldn't have otherwise, because they're calling around to see the new place.

I have two very good friends who have been rocks to me the last three months. I don't know what I would have done without them.

I still feel signs from my baby. Like, when I'm out running and i get really tired, I feel a breeze, and it's like the baby is telling me to go on, because thats whats good for me. The running has been great. It helps me physically and mentally.

My ex has been sending me texts. Nothing profound. Just asking me how I am or apologising because he sent me a late night text when he was out drunk. He hasn't phoned me. Sometimes I reply, sometimes I don't. Life is too short to remain angry. He is messed up. I'm probably lucky to have found out so soon. But it still hurts, and I still miss him. And I wish he never lied or did the online thing in the first place. Two weeks ago I was in a very bad place in my head, wondering why I can't be loved wholly like other people. Everything was so good apart from that. And I loved him and I do believe he loved me. I bumped into him by total coincidence this day last week in the queue in a bank I normally never use! It was such a shock for both of us. I was friendly and chatty. We couldn't talk for long because we were in a queue. I felt really sad after. To onlookers, our conversation could have been between two people who had not seen each other in years. I remember thinking - I could be five months pregnant with his child and now we're almost like strangers

Its sh** He sent me a nice text after telling me I looked great! Helped the bruised ego a little

I really do hope I meet somebody who I can trust and have children with. The story of your friend who had the miscarriage at 35 in a bad relationship and has gone on to have two children really lifted my spirits. Its funny when I was 20, I went to a fortune teller in America. I was horrified because she told me I'd be pregnant three times in my life but I'd only have two children. Now, I hope what she said was true!

I was single for five years before I met the ex. Another awful break up involving lies and deceit in my previous relationship, took me a two or three years to get over. By the time I met my current ex, I was in a very good place within myself. I feel much stronger within myself than last time. I wanted to be angry the last time. This time, I don't. I want to be ready for the next man, happy just being me. I think I'm getting there. I hope I'm getting there....

I hope you get some good news soon somuchtodo. My fingers are crossed for you...x

LegacyUser · 23-07-2011 03:49AM

I have just read over this thread for the first time. I am proud of myself. There were things I was embarrassed to say but I still said them. Now, I am glad I can read them.

I'm really missing the baby this weekend. It started a few hours ago and reading over this thread has helped. Nobody asks me about the baby anymore. I haven't heard from my ex in a week. I guess I needed this thread for evidence. Yes, that all did really happen. It is still happening. I'm heartbroken tonight. I lost a baby. There is nothing sadder.

The taxi driver asked me 'are you a mother yourself?"

My reply ...." I was pregnant but I lost my baby"

Yes I am a mother. But my baby looks after me.

I was in good form tonight out with friends. I know those friends love me and my company. They are wonderful people to be with because even though my heart was breaking tonight, I still had a great night.

I know I seem really together on the outside. People keep telling me 'I'm doing great' and I'm 'unbelieveably strong'. But I'm not, I'm weak and broken hearted on the inside. I'm vulnerable and sensitive. I cry at the drop of a hat. I miss my baby.

We would have been a great team baby. You softened me already. God knows what I would have been like once you were born. You would have completed me. But you are my wake up call.......to live life. I love you. I love that you, in particular, came to me. You are unique. We will be reunited someday. I love you and I can't wait for that day. I hope I do you proud in between xxx

LegacyUser · 23-07-2011 11:44PM

I'm in the same boat as yourself OP, in that I had a miscarriage. Next week would have been my due date if things had to go to plan, unfortunately they didn't. Life is never easy, eh?
My pregnancy wasn't planned. I still don't know how it happened to be honest as I'm on the pill & never had an issue with it. I didn't even realise I was pregnant until I had miscarried. It was a lot to take in.
My fiance was supportive at the start but doesn't mention it now. He doesn't realise that next week could have been one of the most important events in our lives.
I haven't been coping too well the last few weeks tbh. It's now it is starting to hit home for me what I have missed out on.
The one line that really stood out for me out of all your posts is when you describe your conversation with the taxi driver 'yes I am a mother'.
Even though things didn't work out for me I realise that I am a mother. I'm a mother without a baby to hold.

LegacyUser · 24-07-2011 02:14PM

Hi Op,
Just wanted to say how glad I am that you have come on so far in your personal life, I have followed your thread and responded before with my own experience of abortion, anyway I can completely understand when people say that you are doing great because you put on the tough exterior, especially when you are an emotional wreck inside. I lost my brother suddenly last year and I feel that I am putting on an act a lot of the time although this is improving after 8 months.

You sound like a true inspiration, especially with the running, I have tried on numerous occasions but never made it more than 3K....

I just want to wish you the very best of luck for the future, Keep up the good work!!

LegacyUser · 29-07-2011 02:49AM

hey guys

drinkin too much wine again so I'm on boards!

'in the same boat' - just read your message and I'm so sorry for your loss. I am dreading with a double D the due date of my precious and gorgeous baby. It's December 11th and God knows there will be a Noah's Ark of tears that weekend. Even though it makes other people uncomfortable, I will not apologise. Rant here 'In the same boat' if you need to.

Proudofu: Thanks thanks thanks... your message was beautiful. I'm so sorry about your brother. I was out with my wonderful brother tonight (not that I'd ever tell him he's woonderful). 3k is brilliant! Keep it up and keep going x

My letter (for now) for December

My baby won't be there on 11th Dec to the general public. But she is still a strong presense in my life. You see, she's been with me since Marchl. I have been grieving for her since the moment I was told 'I can't see a heartbeat'.

I went back to the doctor yesterday for the first time. I've had two periods since the pregnancy so I know I'm healthy and ready physically! She told me I'm doing really well. Great ! I don't need anti- depressant tablets. I'm a strong woman apparently!

Yeah - I look and talk like a strong woman and that is brilliant (good for me) but hey, I'm melting inside. My heart is broken guys. For me and for all of you who have posted on this thread with similar stories. People keep telling me I'm really strong, like its a good thing, but I would never have had to be strong if I didn't have to go through such **** in the first place.

Any people out there, considering cheating, don't do it! But narcissists wouldn't have time to read threads like this anyway.

Hey baby,

Apparently mum is being really strong, and everyone is really proud of me! You know I'm not that strong though, you see me crying. I love love love everything that you have done for me so far. I still want to dance with you. Your dad is staying in touch. I'm so sensitive and vulnerable, I hope he is still contacting me for the right reasons. Who knows with your dad? lol? Does he regret that we can't hold you like I do?

I had a dream last night. I had my baby with me in a blue jumpsuit and my ex came home from work ....it was nice.........followed by a random text from my ex.........

My baby is beautiful. God this is still so hard.

girlygirl1989 · 05-08-2011 11:41AM

Hi Sad111,

I have read your thread and am very sorry for your loss words cannot express how hard it is to go through a miscarriage and only people who have been through it truly understand the loss and heartache.

I myself went through a miscarriage at 11 weeks baby only showing 6 , at the end of June the pain is still there, I am still wondering was it my fault anything I did or did not do. I am wondering what my baby looks like etc.

I am sorry about what happened between you and your ex partner, that perhaps put more of a dampener on your situation. I am not going to say stay away from him or anything cause you will always share a unique bond with him, that is a baby. But is perhaps best you's are apart you are too good to be lied and cheated on. I had my partner with me every step of the way which I am grateful for, and if anything it has made me stronger. I cant imagine going through it alone. I am glad your friends were there for you.

I am here if you need to talk as I know what your going through, take care xxx

theg81der · 05-08-2011 08:48PM

Really sorry girlygirl.

marley123 · 07-08-2011 02:27AM

sad111 please pm me . my heart goes out to you <SNIP>

LegacyUser · 10-09-2011 11:58PM

Well I got a letter from Holles Street during the week. It said 'dear parents'...It advised me of a memorial mass for all the babies who were lost in Holles Street during the year. I cried for many reasons. Most of all, I cried for my baby. I cried for all the other parents who must be receiving these letters. I cried when I read the word 'parents'. I am grateful that Holles Street acknowledge my ex and I as parents. I cried because I can't go to the mass. My parents don't know and I would worry that I could meet somebody that might know my parents. The chaplains offered to light a candle for my baby at the mass. I think I'll ask them to do this. I'm also going to ask them to remember my baby, my ex and I in the book of remembrance. It's been almost 4 months now. I still get sad and cry sometimes. But I'm not as heartbroken as I was initially. I can't believe how much I had to deal with! My ex and I have contact, buy very limited, the odd text here and there. Tonight he sent me a text and said he loves me. I don't know how I feel about him or how I would react if I met him. He did not treat me well when I was pregnant. But he was wonderful once I had the miscarriage. I really miss him. But I made the right decision to break up with him. I still wonder could we be together again. I'm back at work after the summer holidays and I'm really busy. I find the sadness and grief hits me really quickly nowadays, and then I'm fine again. Don't have as much time to think about things.

Anyway RIP to all the babies who were lost this year and thoughts for all their parents.

Miscarriage and an unplanned pregnancy.

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