Miscarriage and an unplanned pregnancy.

LegacyUser

I read somewhere that it would help to write about my experience of miscarraige,so here it goes.

I broke up with my boyfriend of five months when I discovered he was texting other women. Two weeks later, I discovered I was pregnant. I rang the Well Woman Clinic and asked what to do. They arranged councelling for me asap. It was a Friday and they gave me an appointment on the Monday. I sent a text to my ex telling him I needed to talk to him. He rang me back. I asked could we meet. He hummed and hawed and said maybe, but he was really tired, and not in the mood for an argument. I told him I wasn't looking for an argument, I just really needed to see him. He picked me up and hour later and we went to a pub. We chatted amicably in the car about the last two weeks and what we'd been up to. When we got to the bar, he ordered a glass of wine for me as always, and as soon as he sat down I told him. I was very sure of the dates because I am very regular. I was six weeks pregnant at that stage. That was my last glass of wine. He was good at first. He stayed with me that night. It felt good to hold his hand. He stayed in touch with me all weekend. He congratulated me.

On Monday I went to the councellor. I had never been to a councellor before. I was terrified. My boyfriend and I had discussed our situation. I have a good job with a reasonable income, but I'm renting shared accommodation. I can't afford anything on my own. He is unemployed. He lives with his mother. We only knew each other five months. Our relationship wasn't great. It was the second time I had discovered him cheating as such. The first time I had given him the benefit of the doubt. Pregnancy was really really scary. We both felt we weren't ready. I went to the councellor with the intention of getting information about abortion....but as I walked through town, a group of young kids came towards me and almost bumped into me. I instinctively put my hand to my tummy to protect the baby. I was shocked that I felt the need to do this when I was going to discuss abortion.

I gave the councellor all the reasons why I should have an abortion telling the councellor that I will be alright with abortion because
-I'm not ready
-My partner's not ready
- We had broken up
- I can't afford a baby
- I can't give the baby the life I would like it to have
- It wouldn't be fair to bring a child into the world when circumstances are already so messed up.

The councillor pointed out to me that I was already trying to justify the abortion but she didn't really feel I was ready to make the decision. She felt I was making the decision to keep everyone else happy but I hadn't really talked about how I felt being pregnant. She asked me did I want to be a mother. She gave me the information about abortion and made another appointment with me for two weeks later. She advised me to wait until then to make a decision.

The next day my boyfriend went 'missing'. I didn't hear from him. I began to realise that I would more than likely become a single mother if I continued with the pregnancy. I was really scared but at the same time I was excited and felt very blessed that this had happened to me. I felt like this was my chance to be a mother. I'm 36. Over the next week my mind kept changing. One hour I felt like I'd lost all control of my life and I just wanted to get rid of the problem and get my life back to where it was. I was back with my boyfriend but I felt this was all wrong. I didn't trust him and it could never work out. I felt I'd have to stay with him for the baby, but I'd be unhappy with him, until he cheated on me again, and broke my heart when I was six months pregnant or more. At the same time, I'm sure he felt very trapped as well. At other times, I was really excited about planning for the baby. Working out when I'd take maternity leave. It would have been born in December. I thought this was wonderful. It would be the best Christmas gift. I knew in my heart that once the baby was born everything would work out. A friend told people she was pregnant. She was a week behind me. I never told her I was pregnant. I needed to tell my parents and I was dreading it.

I never looked at the envelope with the abortion information. I couldn't. I didn't want to. My heart was already holding dreams for the baby. My new life. By the time I went back to the councillor I knew for definite that I was making the right decision, for me, by keeping the baby. My boyfriend came to the councillor with me. It was wonderful. He got to hear my fears. She helped him understand how lost and alone I felt. I heard him talk about his fears. We were very close leaving that appointment.

I went to the doctor that week and registered with the maternity hospital. I really was getting very excited but I was still dreading telling my parents. They had not met my boyfriend nor had his family met me. It was all very stressful wondering how on earth was I going to introduce him and announce I was pregnant! I was eight weeks gone at this stage.

We were getting on great and taking about the future and how we would manage everything. Three weeks ago, I felt he was getting distant again. I then discovered he had been in contact with other women again. This time he had a picture and a profile on a dating website. It had been set up very recently (while I was pregnant). I called him and read him the riot act. He told me again that he wasn't ready for the baby.When I went to the toilet I found a clot. I rang the doctor and the maternity hospital. They both were very reassuring but told me to come in for a scan. I tried ringing my boyfriend five or six times. He wouldn't answer. My friend brought me in to the hospital. Eventually my boyfriend rang me back and came in. I was disgusted with him and extremely hurt. We both went in to get the scan. We could see a baby. We saw the head and the body. It made it all very real. I was 10 weeks at that stage. Then the doctor gave us the awful news that the baby only measured eight weeks and that she couldn't hear a heartbeat. I will never forget that moment. I gasped and started crying. I couldn't look at my boyfriend. I wasn't angry with him but I felt I had been fighting for the baby on my own. The poor little thing couldn't survive all the stress. I didn't blame myself or wonder what had I done wrong. I'd done my best given some very uncertain circumstances. The doctor left us on our own, but we didn't talk, he touched my foot at the end of the bed and told me it wasn't my fault. I could say nothing. The doctor told me I'd need another scan the following day. I thought why do I have to go through all of this again. I rang work crying not sure what was going to happen next.

We got some food together on the way home. I don't know what we talked about. He stayed with me that night. I went back in the next day to get an internal scan. The miscarraige was confirmed. We got to see the baby again and I got a printout page with the scan on it (something I am so glad I have today). They told me to come in the following day for a d&c. I bought a necklace in memory of my baby.

My boyfriend was going to a careers fair that afternoon. I went with him because I didn't want to be alone. I began to feel very bad cramps on the way in the car. I could feel very heavy bleeding. I ran to a toilet as soon as we got to the shopping centre beside where the career fair was on. I lost a lot of blood and clots in the shopping centre. I found my boyfriend and we went to get something to eat. I was still bleeding very heavily and lost a lot more blood and clots in the restaurant toilet. We left the restaurant and drove home. I was bleeding so heavily I stained my boyfriend's car. I changed pads about seven times in one hour. I rang the hospital again and they told me it was normal. We stopped at a shop near my house. I couldn't get back into the car because if I opened my legs something would fall out. I took tiny steps holding my legs together all the way home. I bled for another few hours but it eased up that night. By the time I got into hospital i wasn't really bleeding anymore. I asked for another scan, in the hope that I had passed everything, and I wouldn't need a d&c. I was a in a lot of pain with cramps though. On my third scan, there was no baby present. I couldn't look at the screen. I wanted to remember the peaceful image of my baby on the scan from the previous two days.

THey told me there was still tissue and they advised me to go ahead and get the d&c. My other option was to take a pill and go home. This pill makes your uterus contract so that you miscarry the rest of the tissue at home naturally. I was still very traumatised by the day before and passing all the clots so i choose the d&c. There was nothing more my boyfriend could do so I told him he could go. As he left I got very distressed. I started crying and told him I missed my parents. It killed me that I was going through all of this and my parents were oblivious. But at the same time I didn't want them to find out I'd been pregnant like this. I still haven't told them and that's very hard.

I was very distressed again going in for the d&c. I really wanted my parents again. I was terrified something would happen and this is how they would find out everything. In the end, the d&c was the best thing to do. When I woke up I was very relieved. Physically everything was over.

That was all two weeks ago. I'm still with my boyfriend, but barely. He has been great since the miscarraige but I don't think it's a good thing for me to stay with somebody who was so deceitful and disloyal. It upsets me that the whole relationship issues might be taking over my grief. I'm terrified that if I do break up with him, I'll actually have to start grieving properly. I was obviously very upset for the first week. I went back to work and i've been distracted. I attempted to look at apartments to move out on my own this weekend, but realised that I don't have to anymore because I've no baby. I've decided to stay where I am in shared accomodation but I just spent two days manically cleaning everything. I started running last week. (not very far!) I was doing really well. But today was a really bad day for me emotionally. I met the friend who is due three days after my due date. It made me feel really sad.

I met another friend who I hadn't met in a while today. She cried for my baby when I told her about the miscarraige. It made it all feel really real again. I cried whenever I was on my own today after that. I really miss my baby and the dreams and plans I had for it, more so than yesterday. I ignored my boyfriend for most of the day. I think he is relieved that I miscarried (as I am too at times to be honest). I don't blame him for feeling that way, nor am I angry with him for it. I just feel he doesn't understand the loss at the same level as I do so I can't keep talking to him about it. He's angry with me right now for ignoring him. I know because I rang him later and he never rang me back. I feel very sad because I know this relationship is not working out and I will lose that connection with the baby.

I feel very alone but I believe that the baby is stronger than me right now and is looking after me. I hope the baby helps me make the right decisions in life, as he or she did while I was carrying it. I can't wait to hold the baby when eventually that day comes.

I'm afraid to talk to people about this because i know some people firstly, don't believe in heaven and the spiritual aspect to death that I believe in, and secondly, some people would not see the baby as a baby.

I am so grateful that I went to hospital on the Wednesday night and got to see my baby 'asleep' in my womb. The baby measured eight weeks 1 day. I was scanned on Wednesday night, I was ten and a half weeks. I really believe the baby waited over two weeks like that, so that I would see it. The day after that scan I miscarried and the baby was gone.

I feel so sad that I can't be called a mother and yet I believe I am.

I came across this poem and it was comforting

I thought of you and closed my eyes.
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a mother and
I know I heard him say,

A mother has a baby.
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a mother
when your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, He replied
with confidence in His voice.
I give many women babies.
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime
and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
but there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this. God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
with other children and say,

"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of life and love and fear.
My Mommy loved me, Oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me,
I learned my lesson very quickly.
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy, Oh so much,
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
on her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
'Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'"

So you see, my dear sweet one,
your children are okay.
Your babies are here in MY home
and this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with ME
until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home,
they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother—
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with ME one day,
and know you're the best one






-

Neyite

My deepest condolences on your loss - I have not had the loss you have had, but I have been trying for a baby for 2 years now, and there are many on the trying to concieve forum who have suffered the way you have here. When it comes to potential motherhood, even if we actively want our child so badly, there is still a little part of us that will freak out a little when we get that positive pee-stick. I know I would probably scream down the walls with happiness then the next minute have a "f**k, this is really real" moment of doubt.

Right now, you are grieving the relationship's demise because it is easier than the grief of your loss. There is no set way to grieve. If you want to deal with your relationship issues first it does not make your loss any less valid, or less painful. You have found out the hardest possible way that you cannot rely on this man. Thats a terrible shock. So be kind to yourself - if you need to do this gradually, then do it your way.

You are a mother now. Do not think that you are not - you are a mother in deep grief, with an angel baby. So give your baby a name, talk to him/her. The stress of your disentegrating relationship did not cause your miscarriage, its just Nature's way of taking a child that was just too fragile for this world. And a cruel thing most women will face. You will always remember your due date, and feel a pang when you see a child that is the same age as yours would have been.

I dont know if this is of any benefit to you - I hope some of it is.
Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Hi Neyite

It does really help to be listened to. I feel so awful today. I miss the thought of having the baby so much. Its so strange, its like I miss the future that's not to be.

I finished it with my boyfriend this morning. It feels awful that I can't talk to him anymore. But I think you're right. I've been staying in this really destructive relationship to delay the grief.

I thought I was doing so well.....not so. I put it down to the fact that the baby wasn't planned. Its really hit me like a punch in the face in the last two days. I was told this would probably happen.

I'm dreading December already, when the baby would have been due.


I wish you all the best with your journey to conceive. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you and your partner. I hope you have some good news soon. Babies really are little miracles.

Thank you for your kind words and understanding

GalwaYGaLX1X

Dear sad111,

I have read your story and I am genuinely so sorry for your loss. I Haven been in a similar situation. When I was 18 I fell pregnant, I was in a relationship with a guy for 1.5 years at the time but of course neither of us were ready so we made a difficult decision to have an abortion, I went to England on my own and the minute I done it I regretted it, i cried all the way home one the plane and for the next week, i turned off my phone and didnt speak to anyone. and still to this day I would give everything I have to have it back. 3 months later I had a miscarriage, I didnt know I was pregnant until one night I fainted and when i stood up blood just poured out of me. I was in shock and devastated. I know what your going through and I know it is extremely tough especially when you dont have a partner to support you but maybe you are better off focusing on you right now. Grieve a little dont be afraid to just pour your heart out crying when you feel you need to. Im sorry to say but you will never forget what could have been, but after a while you learn to control your emotions and it gets easier. You are not alone. I chose names of what i would call mine maybe you should do that too to honour their memory. Just remember the miscarriage was NOT your fault it was no ones fault it was not because of stress from your relationship it was because it wasnt meant to be. Everything happens for a reason and in time you will realise this. I wish you well and I hope you take care of yourself. x

LegacyUser

Thanks Galway Gal

Your story is so sad.

I finished with my boyfriend the day before yesterday. I keep reading everywhere that you should look for support from your partner at this time. Ha!

I guess I'm not the first to go through this alone. I feel like I'm going crazy. Like people are talking to me normally and a voice in my head is screaming 'do you not realise that I am going through hell'.

I hope your life is better now. I feel so awful for you and that lonely image of you coming home on the plane crying.

I've had three bad days now. I've to go to a wedding tomorrow. I'm dreading it but I feel I should go and try and keep life normal...

LegacyUser

I posted this already today in the LAdies Lounge. I hope its ok to post it here too


I lost my baby three weeks ago to miscarriage.

To my sweet baby. You were going to change everything, you were going to rock my world and my family. You were not planned, or expected, but you are still loved dearly. I changed my goals and life path to fit you in. And now I wish I still had to. I wish I still had to find an apartment with space for your cot, buggy and toys. I wish I still had to pluck up the courage to tell your grandparents that not only did I get myself pregnant but they hadn't yet met the father of the baby. Your grandmother and grandfather would have loved you so much. You would have been so spoiled. I would have been getting annoyed with my parents for trying to interfere. I wish I was still dreading that part. I wish I still had to figure out how to pay for childcare and rent. I wish I was getting stressed over which school to send you to. I wish I could teach you all the things I like. I wish I could sing with you in the car. I wish I could get you a present this Christmas even though you would only have been 2 weeks old. I wish I could be telling everybody now, why I've no plans made for this summer. Everything has fallen through since you've gone. You will always be in my heart. I love you forever. Keep me strong. My eyes are burning right now from all the tears I've cried today. It's all wrong. I should be looking after you. Love Mommy

theg81der

I cried when I read that in LL sad. I`m so so sorry for your loss could empathis having had similar experience and it had a profound impact on me.

Its like I knew because I had finished a book the week before I found out I was expecting that gave me what I need to cope -it was called Angels In her Hair part of it deals with a miscarriage- it literally saved my life I believe at the time I found it very hard to cope. Also like you I felt very strongly that my baby was with me and that it hurt so much that I felt like a mother in my heart now and that others didn`t look at it this way and often said quite insensitive things.

My grandmother said something thou - maybe the baby knew better and the experience taught me alot even thou it probably wasn`t the right time. Please read that book I think it would help you.

LegacyUser

Thanks the g81der for taking the time to post here and suggest the book you read which helped you. I'll order that on Amazon now. I'm sorry for your loss, and that my post made you cry and bring back such sadness to you. Even though I hate that other people have had to suffer like this, it is very comforting to hear from people who have been through a similar experience. My friends are great for listening, but they try to tell me 'not to think like that' when I can't help thinking the way I do. I hope I can help somebody in the future, even though it's the saddest thing to be in that 'club' that can empathise in these circumstances.

I'm feeling a bit more positive today even though it is miserable weather outside. For some strange reason the miserable weather is easier for me right now. When it's sunny, I feel it is wrong to be couped up. Today it's raining and it's like the universe is telling me it's alright to feel sad and hard done by. A pathetic fallacy....

Maybe like your grandmother said....the baby knew better. I like thinking that the baby was too good for this world

An Angel in the book of life wrote down our baby's birth,
and whispered as she closed the book-
"Too beautiful for earth."

LegacyUser

I'm having a really bad morning so far today. I haven't spoken to the baby's father in almost a week. This is so so hard. I'm a good person. Why has this sadness come into my life?

barbiegirl

Oh guys you all have me in tears. I've lost two babies and am spotting (6w 4d) on this latest one. We've been trying for 3 years.
I know I am so lucky to have my lovely hubbie to support me through this.
All I can say OP is that I feel your pain. Big hugs

Novella

These are my footprints,
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints,
They never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
For now I have wings.
These little tiny footprints,
were meant for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints,
in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angels tears,
of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in each butterflies lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you,
is you just give me the chance.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
and call each one who grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints,
are found on mummys heart.
'Cause even though I'm gone now,
We'll never truly part.



OP, I had a miscarriage myself a few years ago following an unplanned pregnancy so I know what it's like. I found this poem once when I was browsing the internet and I still read it from time to time. I hope you are doing okay and I am so sorry for your loss.

theg81der

sad111 - keep updating us we are here and we do want to know how you are xxx

barbiegirl - I have my fingers crossed for you. I hope everything works out. Take care of yourself and try not to do anything (simpler said that done I know).

LegacyUser

@barbiegirl. I really hope everything is ok. I will pray for you and your baby tonight. It really puts things in perspective.....this is such a hard time for you. Its hard that once you have a miscarriage the innocence and joy of pregnancy is gone. I hope they're looking after you and that you've got some good news.

@Novella thank you for that poem. I had seen it somewhere but couldn't find it again. I am so sorry also for your loss. It really is so confusing when you hadn't planned it in the first place. Then you begin to visualise your life with the baby and accept it and look forward to it. I heard the birds singing as I read your poem and I took it as a sign

@theg81der for giving me ears and letting me know that you are listening to me. It really helps.



I spent all day getting angry with my ex. Username Sad111 should be changed to ANGRY111. I contacted him through email and text and let loose. He saw another side to me today. I just wanted to know why he continued to lie to me to keep the relationship going when he had no intention of stopping his cheating. And I went on and on and on and on......exactly not what I planned to do!

His response was he didn't know.

I tried calling him twice as well but he wouldn't answer or call me back.

I need to stop being so hard on myself and wondering why I was so weak and stayed with my ex. I don't know what I want from him. No answer he gives will help but I still sent 3 emails and 3 texts today and a voicemail asking him why.......like a crazy woman!

I really need to let go and soon, so I can move on if that is possible. I know for definite now that I want to be a mother. That is the most important thing. Getting angry with my ex is not helping ..........well maybe it is just a little bit.......because I really wanted him to know how much he hurt me. I want him to hurt too. I just can't believe how cruel and twisted this has all been. Why would somebody purposely deceive somebody the way my ex deceived me. I never begged or pleaded with him to stay with me....he always insisted that he wanted to be with me. ANd now I feel so agrieved that I am left mourning a baby on my own.

I went to the gym eventually at 9.30 tonight. Again, it feels good to exercise and to know that I am looking after myself. But I got angry and upset again when I came out and my ex sent me a text saying 'I can't answer that.....had no intention of doing that'.

Yeah cheers thanks for all the support....


I made an appointment to see the councillor I had been seeing when I was pregnant. She was brilliant. Maybe I should tell my ex to come to. I hate all this anger and lack of communication.

I keep thinking about what Neyite said....I found out the hard way that I can't rely on this man. So why do I still feel the need to communicate with him? AM I transferring my grief or is it just an ego thing for me?

I really resent that my baby was conceived in a relationship based on lies. But I'd allow him do whatever he wants if I could just have my baby back..... I would have been fine on my own. I wish I'd believed that when I was pregnant.

Ok Barbiegirl time to turn my thoughts to you, your partner and your precious baby..... I hope you all sleep well tonight. Whenever I wake up I will say a prayer xxx

LegacyUser

My darling darling angel thank you for giving me signs today. It was a dark day and I said things to your dad that I shouldn't have. Please help me accept with dignity that the relationship was not right. Please look after all three of us even though we can't be together. Please, at some stage, give me a sign that your Dad didn't mean to hurt me so much. I'm finding it really hard to accept all of this on top of losing you.

Talk to you tomorrow sweetheart xxx

theg81der

sad111 - will you just keep away from him, its clearly not good for you. How can you get over him when you keep talking to him. Come on!!!!you can do this on your own and imerge better, stronger and more in charge of yourself and more sure of what you want for your future.

Isn`t it great that you know now that you really want kids someday and that you really need a great supportive guy who loves you to have them with. You can`t find him while mooning over this guy who is so clearly not right for you. I am rooting for you to overcome these obsticles!

LegacyUser

I know theg81der!!!

Thanks for checking in on me

My ex finally apologised to me unexpectedly today. I feel huge relief and closure as a result. I deleted all his numbers etc. I'm sad but thats it. Its a different sad to how I was feeling yesterday. Its an acceptance sad, which is what I prayed for.

I am having a very good day today finally.

I found a wonderful apartment to live in on my own and the landlady agreed to reduce the rent for me! It's very near where I live and I love where I live. It's open plan, loads of light and a garden and just me!!It has a fire place as well so it will be really cosy in the winter.
I've been sharing an apartment since forever. With no garden, or clothes line. I've always wanted a clothes line! My two flatmates are moving out soon and with all the uncertainty that has been happening in my life, I was getting very anxious about what was going to happen. This is the perfect solution.

I had been looking at places for two weeks and was giving up. I'm so excited that something has worked out for me. It's the beginning of my new life.

I wonder how you are today Barbiegirl. We are all thinking of you x

LegacyUser

The apartment fell through guys...:( The landlady managed to get somebody who would pay full price!

Another little dream over but I know its not important. Its only an apartment!

I did a yoga class this evening and even though I little cry during meditation my tears are definitely changing. It's so strange. I'm not as anxious today as I have been.



Tuesday nearly four weeks on........

Hi my darling baby.
I'm not doing so bad today. Even though I miss you inside me and all our plans, I feel your presence all the time.
You are amazing
My love for you just gets stronger. You are my rock and my support.
I can't wait to spend more time with you tomorrow
xxx

LegacyUser

I had a good day today. The lady with the apartment rang me to say the full price tenant had let her down. So the apartment should be mine by 1st July!!

the g81der - 'Angels in her Hair' arrived today! Thanks again for the recommendation. I was really busy and also feeling good today so I didn't start it yet. But its nice to know I have a book that might help me when I'm feeling down again....I'm visualising myself reading it in my new apartment by the massive window.

I really feel so much better today. I don't know why. But I think its because with the new apartment I feel I have something to look forward to. Two days ago I actually felt like I'd never enjoy anything again. The human mind and emotions are crazy.

Today my ex sent me some angry texts. They didn't bother me. But I did feel that maybe he's feeling the same pain I was feeling last week. So I asked was he ok. He totally calmed down the tone and finally asked me how I'm doing. I said good today. I'm glad we're being civilised. I know everybody is telling me not to contact him at all (not just you theg81der, my best friend is telling the same as you). But I really did feel fine today. There was no ulterior motive on my part (as there has been in the past with me - trying to keep in touch with him/ trying to hurt him/ trying to get him to say he made a big mistake!) I didn't need any of that today. But I do want to know that if I ever bump in to him, or his family or his friends again there will be no anger or awkwardness. And I do care about him still. The baby was a loss for him too. When I was pregnant we would wonder together about what the baby would be like. Those were good times. He would have been a good Dad, even if he was a rubbish boyfriend. It makes me sad to think it's Fathers Day on Sunday and we've lost our baby. I wonder is he thinking that too. He lost his father a year and a half ago, so I know he'll be sad about that.


Anyway, hope I'm doing all the right things.

theg81der

Thanks sad11 for keeping me informed (I keep checking for your updates now!). Sounds like the lady in the apartment was trying to get more money out of you to me, I`m glad it didn`t work.

I don`t know whats going on in your ex`s head but I would try not to get to wrapped up in wondering about it, one day you feel like this - over him etc but tomorrow could be different so just give yourself space for a while. I`m glad your best friend is there for you and is saying the same thing as me, then I know I`m saying the right thing.

Hope you enjoy the book x

LegacyUser

Went to councellor yesterday. It was very hard but good to talk to somebody. She explained grief to me as a wave. I will be calm and then suddenly the wave will crash again. I can't speed it up. I have no control over it. She says I'm dealing with double grief. The loss of my baby and the loss of my relationship. I guess I have to just accept it all. I'm trying to fix things because that's my nature. I have to accept that I will feel pain and I can't do anything about it. She told me to buy a book about grief and read it. SO I bought a book called 'grieving: a beginner's guide' by jerusha hull mc cormack





I came across this on an internet forum

A letter from women to their friends and family
by Elizabeth Soutter Schwarzer

When women experience the loss of a child, one of the first things they discover they have in common is a list of things they wish no one had ever said to them. The lists tend to be remarkably similar. The comments are rarely malicious - just misguided attempts to soothe. This list was compiled as a way of helping other people understand pregnancy loss. While generated by mothers for mothers, it may also apply similarly to the fathers who have endured this loss.

When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope. -

Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible. -

Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out. -

Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between loosing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children. -

Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father? -Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her. -

Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours. -

Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age. -

Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently. -

Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me. -

Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died..." or "when I was pregnant..." don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone. -

Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine. -

Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen. -

DO say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter. -
DO say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that. -
DO say, "I have lighted a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby."
DO send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond. Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while.
If you're my boss or my co-worker: -
Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical condition. -
Do recognize that in addition to the physical aftereffects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space.
DO understand if I do not attend baby showers/christening/birthday parties etc. And DON'T ask why I can't come. Please don't bring your baby or toddler into the workplace. If your niece is pregnant, or your daughter just had a baby, please don't share that with me right now. It's not that I can't be happy for anyone else, it's that every smiling, cooing baby, every glowing new mother makes me ache so deep in my heart I can barely stand it. I may look okay to you, but there's a good chance that I'm still crying every day. It may be weeks before I can go a whole hour without thinking about it. You'll know when I'm ready - I'll be the one to say, "Did your daughter have her baby?" or, "How is that precious little boy of yours? I haven't seen him around the office in a while."

Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "miscarriage" is small and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me.
xx K xx

theg81der

Is it ok to tell you I promise it`ll get easier?!

LegacyUser

Thanks the g81der

I got my period today and I'm so sad. Four weeks exactly after my d&c. The last time I had my period was the 5th March. I guess its a good thing cos it means my body is back working properly but to me it just reminds me of my loss. I should have a 15 week baby inside me.
Sorry for tmi but the bleeding is reminding me of the miscarriage itself, when I was so scared.

Lola92

sad 111 I have been following your thread the last few days. I wanted to reply sooner but to be honest I didn't quite know what to say. I can't imagine the pain you are going through right now. You have suffered such a terrible loss. If you ever need to talk feel free to PM me.

*huge hugs*

I am a friend

sad111 nothing good will come of contacting this guy... Its not like you can believe one word he says.... Please dont give him any further ego boosts and there is no need for him to come to counselling to repair your lines of communication. Best thing is to heal yourself and leave him in your past.... Mind yourself xx

snugglebear

dear sad111 I have been following your thread since it started and have up until now felt unable to reply as I have only very recently had ectopic pregancy myself- I know that you and your partner are bound together by this dreadful experience but I really feel that you should try and be on your own for a while to deal with your grief in your own way- me and my partner have been struggling since we found out so I really do understand how hard it is right now- they say time is a healer I just hope thats true xx

dellas1979

Am sorry for your loss and heart ache.

theg81der

sad111 wrote: »

Thanks the g81der

I got my period today and I'm so sad. Four weeks exactly after my d&c. The last time I had my period was the 5th March. I guess its a good thing cos it means my body is back working properly but to me it just reminds me of my loss. I should have a 15 week baby inside me.
Sorry for tmi but the bleeding is reminding me of the miscarriage itself, when I was so scared.

This had faded from my memory so all I can say is it`ll get easier. It is perfectly normal and ok for you to feel like this. Please look after yourself and give yourself a little tlc. Same goes for me if you ever need to pm me to vent feel free.

How did the apartment go, did you move in or get a moving date?

LegacyUser

Hi Sad111 guest,

just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss and what you have to go through on your own. I have never spoken about my experience to anyone as i fear that i will be judged. I travelled alone to the Uk for a termination more than 10 years ago and the loss even though it was my decision has never left me. The poems and entries that you have put on here especially the isolation you are feeling is bringing it all back. I am too afraid to go to counselling because I have never told anyone what I have done. I went to a Psychic once and the first thing he said to me was that I had lost a baby that was looking over me. I did not have the courage to tell him that I ended the pregnancy, but it got me thinking that I have a little one looking down on me. Maybe thats just mad, maybe its to relieve the guilt but it helps me and I often think of what I did and feel that it has effected me in my left and not in a good way.

I hope you have plenty of little ones in your life with someone really special that you deserve. Life is too short to waste on people that do not give you the care, support and attention that you deserve. Take care, M

LegacyUser

Hi everyone and thank you all for your messages and support.

Snugglebear I am so sorry for your loss. I really hope things work out for you and your partner. It is just such a difficult time.

Today I was ok. I did have a few cries but I think I'm beginning to get it now. I've never experienced grief before. I've broken up with people and been heartbroken but I always do eventually get over them. This is different. I know and I hope I'll never 'get over' the loss of my baby. I will always feel sad that the baby didn't make it, that we didn't make it (me and my baby). I think I understand what people mean when they say 'you will always be sad but you learn to live with the sadness'. I have to let myself be sad and allow myself cry if I need to. Not all the time obviously but I'm prepared that things may or may not happen that will remind me of my loss. And its ok to be sad and to live with sadness as long as I don't let it overwhelm my life. At the moment, it is effecting me hugely but thats normal because everything is so recent.
Losing a boyfriend is different. They can be replaced! Even though it doesn't feel like that at the beginning of the breakup. Breakups happen for a reason. I'll never know why my baby didn't make it though.
We had dreams for our baby, my ex and I. We had big dreams! Thats why its hard. This baby was smaller than my finger nail in size but I imagined her (I'm sure it was a her!) coming to me looking for advice and getting excited to see me when I picked her up from the creche. I would have tried my best to make her eat really healthy, but I know I would have given in and baked brownies and mars bar slices for her! I even had a name picked out but didn't tell my ex.
I know I can't change anything though and I really look forward to hopefully being pregnant again. This time I'll be so nervous but I won't get stressed by circumstances and I'll allow myself to dream.

I had a good day today I guess. I went for a run and I ran past my new apartment. I'm due to move in at the beginning of July and I've been shopping all weekend for lovely new nice things. I wished my ex a 'Happy Father's Day and told him he will be a great dad'.

I spent some time with my own fantastic Dad. I feel sad that my dad has lost a grandchild and doesn't know. He will be a wonderful granddad. I really hope we all get this gift at some stage soon. But the good thing about this experience is that I now know for definite that I would like to be a mother....

LegacyUser

Funny another poster recommended angels in your hair. I found this great.

If it's any consolation things will improve no fast way through grief. Keep up the counselling, take time to write down what happened in the sessions so you might learn from them and can refer back to them.

Journalling may also be helpful (kindof what ur doing here) and will also create a physical memory.

I'm coming through break up, unplanned pregnancy, decision to keep baby as a single mum, 5 month cardic diagnosis, back with babies father, moved in together, cardiac operations confirmed, problem with babies growth, incompatible with life diagnosis an 37 weeks, 40 weeks no heartbeat, 41 week birth and funeral and now it looks like the relationship is ending... It could always be worse!

A little lifetime foundation had more poems
Google the abundance prayer too - it's kindof a meditation to help you live in the now.

theg81der

Brophyl wrote: »

Funny another poster recommended angels in your hair. I found this great.

If it's any consolation things will improve no fast way through grief. Keep up the counselling, take time to write down what happened in the sessions so you might learn from them and can refer back to them.

Journalling may also be helpful (kindof what ur doing here) and will also create a physical memory.

I'm coming through break up, unplanned pregnancy, decision to keep baby as a single mum, 5 month cardic diagnosis, back with babies father, moved in together, cardiac operations confirmed, problem with babies growth, incompatible with life diagnosis an 37 weeks, 40 weeks no heartbeat, 41 week birth and funeral and now it looks like the relationship is ending... It could always be worse!

A little lifetime foundation had more poems
Google the abundance prayer too - it's kindof a meditation to help you live in the now.

I can not imagine how you coped. You must be such a strong person. I hope life will bring you some happiness.