Feeling guilty about my wedding abroad

cyning · 29-03-2011 09:29PM

I'm just back from a wedding in Cork where for the weekend we spent well over €1000. The couple wanted us there the day before the wedding and for the day after so accomodation Thursday - Sunday, present, a second day after the wedding where we live (so 4 days of drinking for 2 people and food for 3 days). We weren't part of the wedding party or anything either: and I am definately still recovering!

Trust me I wish that wedding had been abroad

I think it would have been cheaper!! Don't feel guilty: I love my friends and I wouldn't have missed it for the world... even if we are broke after it! And I'm sure your friends and family feel the same

jamesbrond · 29-03-2011 10:04PM

NittyGritty wrote: »

With all due respect poster, if your 'best friends' saw this, I think they'd probably prefer you stayed at home! I know I would. You only want people happy to be there with you on your wedding day. And certainly not people who feel as strongly as you about how "annoying" it is.

I think the OP and every other couple out there have the right to choose their wedding day any way they want to have it.

If you are invited to a wedding, it is just that. An invitation.

Tinkerbell, I disagreed with Colinboy's attitude that he expects presents. I do not disagree with weddings abroad. Again, this is the couple's prerogative. If you don't agree with their choice, cannot afford it, or do not want to go, then stay at home. Simples.

Not my best friend. Read again.

Look, im not here to say whether people should go to their friends weddings which are abroad or not.
What I am saying is that as much as the couple getting married think, or want to convince themselves that they are putting no pressure on their friends to go, they actually are. And deep down they know it.

Going to a wedding abroad costs a fortune. If you have your wedding abroad, you should be aware of the trouble you are putting your guests through. Some of them wont mind at all. Some wont go. But a lot of them will go, even if it means putting themselves under serious pressure, in order to make your wedding special for you. They arent doing it for themselves.

And would you believe I got invited to another one today. Its in Rome.

Sergio · 30-03-2011 01:05PM

jamesbrond wrote: »

Not my best friend. Read again.

Look, im not here to say whether people should go to their friends weddings which are abroad or not.
What I am saying is that as much as the couple getting married think, or want to convince themselves that they are putting no pressure on their friends to go, they actually are. And deep down they know it.

Going to a wedding abroad costs a fortune. If you have your wedding abroad, you should be aware of the trouble you are putting your guests through. Some of them wont mind at all. Some wont go. But a lot of them will go, even if it means putting themselves under serious pressure, in order to make your wedding special for you. They arent doing it for themselves.

And would you believe I got invited to another one today. Its in Rome.

I totally disagree with your comments.I am getting married in 7 weeks time in spain and there is a huge crowd travelling over.Everyone thats going wants to go and we never put any pressure on people to go.We told everyone theres no hassle if ye cant afford it and would understand if people cant make it.
If you read one of the posts above you will see a couple who went to a wedding in cork last weekend and spent a fortune also so i think weddings here cost as much as they do now to go abroad.Remember we are after all living in "Rip off Ireland".The only difference is you get a nice holiday too with better weather when you go away to get married.

ana_conda · 30-03-2011 02:54PM

God this thread has taken a turn for the worst. It seems to be people have very strong feelings on the subject. Which worries me because ultimately I would like to go abroad.....

I think it's a couples right to decide where they want to get married. It should be stressed to guest's that they can decline without causing any offense and no gifts!

It really is as simple as that.

witchgirl26 · 30-03-2011 03:14PM

To be fair, going to a wedding in Ireland can cost a fair bit. The OP says it'll be about €380 (think that was the figure) for people to fly over and stay for 4 days.....I know people who've spent that much going to a wedding in Ireland before they've even bought the pressie. And not out of choice but there's still a hotel to book and travel expenses.
My brother got married in England (his wife's English) and obviously a lot of our family would have had to travel for that wedding. He made it very clear that it was alright if they couldn't afford it and that they (as a couple) understood this. They also made it clear that anyone who did come didn't have to bring a gift. Most people who went just gave token gifts (a clock, fancy salt & pepper sets).
Why don't people look at weddings abroad as a holiday instead of moaning? So you have to give up one day of it to go to what, presumably, is a person you like's wedding. Take the rest of the time to enjoy the place you're in. Either that or explain to the couple that you can't afford to go if you can't afford to go. I don't know many people who wouldn't be reasonable about this. Most couples who've decided on weddings abroad have factored this in.

Toto Wolfcastle · 30-03-2011 05:20PM

witchgirl26 wrote: »

Why don't people look at weddings abroad as a holiday instead of moaning?

This argument is the one thing that annoys me about weddings abroad. I don't want to have my holiday destination chosen for me, especially if I only go on one (or none!) a year.

witchgirl26 · 30-03-2011 05:35PM

Bobblehead Panda wrote: »

This argument is the one thing that annoys me about weddings abroad. I don't want to have my holiday destination chosen for me, especially if I only go on one (or none!) a year.

So explain to the person who's wedding it is that you can't afford to go. From reading here, most couple's understand if people can't afford to. I just think that it's the couple's choice how and where they get married - after all it's their day - so I just think people don't have the right to moan about where it is. If you choose to go to a wedding abroad, why waste your time moaning about it? That's kinda where I was going with the moaning comment.

k4899g · 30-03-2011 05:37PM

It's a toughy but you're not holding a gun to anyone's head. Trust that people are sensible enough to only go if it suits them.

Toto Wolfcastle · 30-03-2011 05:46PM

witchgirl26 wrote: »

So explain to the person who's wedding it is that you can't afford to go. From reading here, most couple's understand if people can't afford to. I just think that it's the couple's choice how and where they get married - after all it's their day - so I just think people don't have the right to moan about where it is. If you choose to go to a wedding abroad, why waste your time moaning about it? That's kinda where I was going with the moaning comment.

I didn't say I wouldn't go. If you read my post again you'll see that it was your argument I had a problem with. I think it's a silly one and it wouldn't make me more willing to go to a wedding abroad if I was the type of person who moaned about them.

rainbowtrout · 30-03-2011 06:13PM

witchgirl26 wrote: »

So explain to the person who's wedding it is that you can't afford to go. From reading here, most couple's understand if people can't afford to. I just think that it's the couple's choice how and where they get married - after all it's their day - so I just think people don't have the right to moan about where it is. If you choose to go to a wedding abroad, why waste your time moaning about it? That's kinda where I was going with the moaning comment.

Most couples might well understand, but deep down some of them still expect the close friends and relations to go. There are plenty of people who post on here who get their noses in a knot about far smaller wedding related things. Despite the number of posts saying 'it's an invitation, you don't have to go if you can't afford it/don't want to etc' there are a lot of couples who would be extremely put out if their close friends and relatives didn't turn up.

Like Bobblehead Panda said, I don't want my holiday destination chosen for me. Not only that, because it's a wedding, for a couple of days of the 'holiday' you don't get to choose what you do, where you go and how much you spend (accommodation, transport etc), that's not a holiday.

magneticimpulse · 01-04-2011 09:37AM

In my case, the couple had to cancel their wedding abroad, because their own family had pulled out from going because they couldnt afford it. They decided then to have it at home in Ireland.

Lots more people were pulling out from going to their wedding abroad, so they chose the right thing in the end...because they had already paid for the Villa/bedrooms etc and since people were telling them they could no longer go, they didnt want to be left with the bill for empty bedrooms.

professore · 01-04-2011 09:56AM

tinkerbell wrote: »

I completely agree with the above. A free bar means nothing if you have to travel abroad for a wedding, big deal. It costs a lot of money to go abroad, not to mention having to use up part of your annual leave so that you can take time off work.

I would disagree - depending where you go it is almost as expensive to go to a wedding in another town or city in Ireland as it is to fly somewhere else for one. TBH if you are so stingy with your time off work I wouldn't want you at my wedding. A good friend or close family member's wedding is one of the best things to attend in your life, and should be a top priority - if it is not then you seriously need to readjust your priorities. If it's some cousin you never see or some friend of a friend that's a different story.

OP another alternative is what friends of mine did - had a small wedding in Rome and honeymoon afterwards (only themselves!) and then had a shindig for people back home afterwards with a buffet. Worked a treat!

professore · 01-04-2011 09:59AM

rainbowtrout wrote: »

Most couples might well understand, but deep down some of them still expect the close friends and relations to go. There are plenty of people who post on here who get their noses in a knot about far smaller wedding related things. Despite the number of posts saying 'it's an invitation, you don't have to go if you can't afford it/don't want to etc' there are a lot of couples who would be extremely put out if their close friends and relatives didn't turn up.

Like Bobblehead Panda said, I don't want my holiday destination chosen for me. Not only that, because it's a wedding, for a couple of days of the 'holiday' you don't get to choose what you do, where you go and how much you spend (accommodation, transport etc), that's not a holiday.

Well then don't go! Of course if you can't afford it that is a valid excuse but these excuses about "losing some annual leave" blah de blah is very selfish IMHO. Would you say the same if it was a funeral?

professore · 01-04-2011 10:08AM

jamesbrond wrote: »

Going to a wedding abroad costs a fortune. If you have your wedding abroad, you should be aware of the trouble you are putting your guests through. Some of them wont mind at all. Some wont go. But a lot of them will go, even if it means putting themselves under serious pressure, in order to make your wedding special for you. They arent doing it for themselves.

And would you believe I got invited to another one today. Its in Rome.

It's really your decision whether to go or not. If the person is important enough to you, and you have the money, and the health, you will go. If not then you won't. The financial argument doesn't wash, as if you have to travel to Dublin from Cork for example the costs are pretty much the same as going to Italy or Spain, in fact more expensive in some cases depending what flights are available. The OP is putting on a free bar and food all day, this evens things up considerably.

I went to Washington DC 2 years ago for a good friend's wedding. This was one I thought long and hard about as it cost a lot more than a wedding in Europe, but I went for the week and had a superb time in a place I never normally would have gone to. LIVE A LITTLE !!!! Often the best things in life are the things you don't plan. If you go to the wedding determined to complain and moan about your holidays then you won't enjoy it.

TheChevron · 01-04-2011 10:30AM

professore wrote: »

It's really your decision whether to go or not. If the person is important enough to you, and you have the money, and the health, you will go. If not then you won't. The financial argument doesn't wash, as if you have to travel to Dublin from Cork for example the costs are pretty much the same as going to Italy or Spain, in fact more expensive in some cases depending what flights are available. The OP is putting on a free bar and food all day, this evens things up considerably.

I went to Washington DC 2 years ago for a good friend's wedding. This was one I thought long and hard about as it cost a lot more than a wedding in Europe, but I went for the week and had a superb time in a place I never normally would have gone to. LIVE A LITTLE !!!! Often the best things in life are the things you don't plan. If you go to the wedding determined to complain and moan about your holidays then you won't enjoy it.

Are you seriously trying to tell people without jobs, probably for the first time in their lives, and struggling to support a family to..."Live a little". Oh my word:rolleyes:

professore · 01-04-2011 10:36AM

TheChevron wrote: »

Are you seriously trying to tell people without jobs, probably for the first time in their lives, and struggling to support a family to..."Live a little". Oh my word:rolleyes:

You didn't read all my post, I said: It's really your decision whether to go or not. If the person is important enough to you, and you have the money, and the health, you will go. If not then you won't.

Of course if you don't have the money you can't and shouldn't go. I was referring to those people who wanted to go on their own holidays and complaining about using up annual leave.

kandr10 · 01-04-2011 04:01PM

TheChevron wrote: »

Are you seriously trying to tell people without jobs, probably for the first time in their lives, and struggling to support a family to..."Live a little". Oh my word:rolleyes:

Just to get back on topic a little, where in the OP's post did it say that any of her guests had lost their jobs?

rainbowtrout · 02-04-2011 12:38PM

professore wrote: »

Well then don't go! Of course if you can't afford it that is a valid excuse but these excuses about "losing some annual leave" blah de blah is very selfish IMHO. Would you say the same if it was a funeral?

It's hardly a fair comparison. People don't choose to die. Also if a wedding is taking place in this country most people can get away with taking one day off work if really pushed , depending on whether or it it's on a weekend and what part of the country it's in. When it's abroad for a lot of people it involves at least 3 days if it's midweek, which would be flying in the day before and leaving the day after. For those that only have 20 days annual leave, using at least 3 for a wedding might be a lot.

I don't see why it's selfish of a person to want to use their annual leave for their own purposes rather than use a good chunk of it on a wedding.

As it happens I've had invites to three weddings abroad in the last couple of years. I didn't go to any of them. Two during school year (I'm a teacher) so going was out of the question and I wouldn't have been able to get the time off and other was simply too expensive.

jamesbrond · 02-04-2011 12:54PM

rainbowtrout wrote: »

It's hardly a fair comparison. People don't choose to die. Also if a wedding is taking place in this country most people can get away with taking one day off work if really pushed , depending on whether or it it's on a weekend and what part of the country it's in. When it's abroad for a lot of people it involves at least 3 days if it's midweek, which would be flying in the day before and leaving the day after. For those that only have 20 days annual leave, using at least 3 for a wedding might be a lot.

I don't see why it's selfish of a person to want to use their annual leave for their own purposes rather than use a good chunk of it on a wedding.

As it happens I've had invites to three weddings abroad in the last couple of years. I didn't go to any of them. Two during school year (I'm a teacher) so going was out of the question and I wouldn't have been able to get the time off and other was simply too expensive.

I agree totally. Its the hassle more than anything else. Same as people having weddings on weekdays.

common sense brigade · 02-04-2011 01:04PM

I agree with previous posters, send everyone invitation or card saying there are to be no gifts or cards. as for the guilt everyone is going cos they want to go. so dont let it ruin your day. if anyone backs out dont be annoyed with them either about it.

professore · 02-04-2011 04:29PM

rainbowtrout wrote: »

It's hardly a fair comparison. People don't choose to die. Also if a wedding is taking place in this country most people can get away with taking one day off work if really pushed , depending on whether or it it's on a weekend and what part of the country it's in. When it's abroad for a lot of people it involves at least 3 days if it's midweek, which would be flying in the day before and leaving the day after. For those that only have 20 days annual leave, using at least 3 for a wedding might be a lot.

I don't see why it's selfish of a person to want to use their annual leave for their own purposes rather than use a good chunk of it on a wedding.

As it happens I've had invites to three weddings abroad in the last couple of years. I didn't go to any of them. Two during school year (I'm a teacher) so going was out of the question and I wouldn't have been able to get the time off and other was simply too expensive.

Yes nobody chooses to die, believe me I know, that's all the more reason to go to a wedding like this if you can. I would say it's more important to go to the wedding, as when someone is dead, they are gone and it's too late.

I am not advocating going to every wedding you are invited to, at home or abroad. I don't either. I am only talking about good friends and family, which in reality there are not many of. If you take things like losing a day or two of annual leave, or a financial hit which you can afford to miss a wedding of someone like that, then you need to look at your priorities in life. That's all I'm saying.

The three weddings you were invited to, how close were you to the couple? This makes all the difference. If you were close friends of one or both of the couple, then it is selfish not to go on annual leave or financial grounds (again assuming you can afford it by say not going on holidays that year, not by not feeding your family!). Realisitically it will cost you €400 or €500 if you plan it right by getting affordable flights and also don't have to bring a gift. A similar wedding in Ireland will cost you €300 or more.

I still think the annual leave thing is a red herring, and I still maintain a wedding in Ireland is just as expensive unless it's on your doorstep, which is true for most weddings, at least some of the guests will have to stay overnight.

rainbowtrout · 02-04-2011 06:36PM

professore wrote: »

Yes nobody chooses to die, believe me I know, that's all the more reason to go to a wedding like this if you can. I would say it's more important to go to the wedding, as when someone is dead, they are gone and it's too late.

I am not advocating going to every wedding you are invited to, at home or abroad. I don't either. I am only talking about good friends and family, which in reality there are not many of. If you take things like losing a day or two of annual leave, or a financial hit which you can afford to miss a wedding of someone like that, then you need to look at your priorities in life. That's all I'm saying.

The three weddings you were invited to, how close were you to the couple? This makes all the difference. If you were close friends of one or both of the couple, then it is selfish not to go on annual leave or financial grounds (again assuming you can afford it by say not going on holidays that year, not by not feeding your family!). Realisitically it will cost you €400 or €500 if you plan it right by getting affordable flights and also don't have to bring a gift. A similar wedding in Ireland will cost you €300 or more.

I still think the annual leave thing is a red herring, and I still maintain a wedding in Ireland is just as expensive unless it's on your doorstep, which is true for most weddings, at least some of the guests will have to stay overnight.

I don't agree. People get invited to weddings all the time from their mid 20s onwards mainly and probably suffer a bit from wedding fatigue and no matter how much a couple thinks their day is special and unique, for the guests it's just more of the same most of the time. Over time the details of each blur and roll into one.

A wedding invite is just that, an invite. Nobody is obliged to go. It's an important day in that couples life but possibly doesn't rank as high up for other people. I don't see how it's selfish not to go to a wedding.

For the three weddings I mentioned, one was my next door neighbour/friend. They got married in Italy, midweek, anyone that went ended up going for the week. It was in September. My principal would have had a fit if I asked for a week off to swan off to Italy when we were only just back to work. The second wedding was my cousin in England, same story, but to be honest I don't see her from one end of the year to another. If I was getting married, I'd probably invite her but if she didn't attend I wouldn't be a bit put out. She also had a verse of some sort in her invite which basically said 'we have a house and all we want for it so we'd prefer cash for presents as it will pay for the honeymoon'. So she's expecting presents whether people are travelling or not.

The third wedding was in Colorado. Couple said they could do their wedding in America for €8k so it was working out about €20k cheaper than it would have to get married here (for what they would have had here). That's fine, they didn't want to be in debt, but I couldn't afford to go to Colorado for a week.

I'm not saying people shouldn't use their annual leave for weddings. Of course they can, but going to one abroad uses up more leave than home weddings and some people are invited to multiple weddings in a year. A friend of mine has 9 weddings this year. Now most of them are on Saturdays, I know two of them are abroad. All those weddings could result in her and her husband using up a considerable amount of annual leave.

You might come back and say 'they don't have to attend' but you also said earlier people are selfish if they don't attend. What's a person to do?

professore · 02-04-2011 08:31PM

rainbowtrout wrote: »

I don't agree. People get invited to weddings all the time from their mid 20s onwards mainly and probably suffer a bit from wedding fatigue and no matter how much a couple thinks their day is special and unique, for the guests it's just more of the same most of the time. Over time the details of each blur and roll into one.

A wedding invite is just that, an invite. Nobody is obliged to go. It's an important day in that couples life but possibly doesn't rank as high up for other people. I don't see how it's selfish not to go to a wedding.

For the three weddings I mentioned, one was my next door neighbour/friend. They got married in Italy, midweek, anyone that went ended up going for the week. It was in September. My principal would have had a fit if I asked for a week off to swan off to Italy when we were only just back to work. The second wedding was my cousin in England, same story, but to be honest I don't see her from one end of the year to another. If I was getting married, I'd probably invite her but if she didn't attend I wouldn't be a bit put out. She also had a verse of some sort in her invite which basically said 'we have a house and all we want for it so we'd prefer cash for presents as it will pay for the honeymoon'. So she's expecting presents whether people are travelling or not.

The third wedding was in Colorado. Couple said they could do their wedding in America for €8k so it was working out about €20k cheaper than it would have to get married here (for what they would have had here). That's fine, they didn't want to be in debt, but I couldn't afford to go to Colorado for a week.

I'm not saying people shouldn't use their annual leave for weddings. Of course they can, but going to one abroad uses up more leave than home weddings and some people are invited to multiple weddings in a year. A friend of mine has 9 weddings this year. Now most of them are on Saturdays, I know two of them are abroad. All those weddings could result in her and her husband using up a considerable amount of annual leave.

You might come back and say 'they don't have to attend' but you also said earlier people are selfish if they don't attend. What's a person to do?

In all those cases it made sense for you not to attend - and there shouldn't have been a problem in any of those cases.

In your friend with the 9 weddings case, that's mad, how many family / friends does she have? I have been invited to that many in my life!

Couchkitten · 03-04-2011 03:23AM

We were invited to 8 last year. If you are at the "wedding age" of 29-32 that it's entirely possible that a lot of your close friends will get married around the same time.

With regards to a wedding abroad of course you shouldn't go if you can't afford it. In my experience couples marrying abroad are very forgiving of people who just can't go. It's all in the attitude of the couple!

MyKeyG · 03-04-2011 03:35AM

DC31 wrote: »

Hindsight is 20:20 and all that

And if hindsight was magic would you change your mind? Of course not. My best friend got married on an Island off the coast of Washigton state. His bride was from Montana so even HER family and friends were forced to make a big trip. Lots of people couldn't make it and no one thought any more or less of them. I had to go as the best man but to be honest it was the first time I got to visit the states. We live in lethargic times so as another poster said it gives people a reason to take a holiday they may not have decided to take ordinarily.

Sergio · 03-04-2011 03:05PM

I cant believe the attitudes of some of the people posting here all the complaining about having to travel abroad for someones wedding.
People would seriously want to take agood look at themselves in the mirror.If any of you people here that are doing all the moaning were guests at my wedding i would disinvite the whole lot of ye as all yer doing is making about it yer selves.If ye cant afford to go to a wedding abroad then fair enough but otherwise theres no excuse if the couple that are getting wed are that important to you.
Time for some you people to go way and get a life!

jamesbrond · 03-04-2011 06:24PM

Colinboy wrote: »

I cant believe the attitudes of some of the people posting here all the complaining about having to travel abroad for someones wedding.
People would seriously want to take agood look at themselves in the mirror.If any of you people here that are doing all the moaning were guests at my wedding i would disinvite the whole lot of ye as all yer doing is making about it yer selves.If ye cant afford to go to a wedding abroad then fair enough but otherwise theres no excuse if the couple that are getting wed are that important to you.
Time for some you people to go way and get a life!

All well and good if you want to get married abroad, but dont expect your guests to agree that they should be honoured to be asked. And most of your guests will go if invited, because they are your friends and feel a sense of duty for you. They want to be at your weding, even if it costs them a fortune or is a hassle to them. But make no mistake, even if they tell you they are happy about it, the majority wont be impressed at all.

Think about it. How many times have you ever lied about how you feel or done something that you really dont want to be doing, just to keep the peace.

TheChevron · 03-04-2011 09:50PM

Colinboy wrote: »

I cant believe the attitudes of some of the people posting here all the complaining about having to travel abroad for someones wedding.
People would seriously want to take agood look at themselves in the mirror.If any of you people here that are doing all the moaning were guests at my wedding i would disinvite the whole lot of ye as all yer doing is making about it yer selves.If ye cant afford to go to a wedding abroad then fair enough but otherwise theres no excuse if the couple that are getting wed are that important to you.
Time for some you people to go way and get a life!

That would save them a whole lot of money.

Sergio · 04-04-2011 12:51AM

jamesbrond wrote: »

All well and good if you want to get married abroad, but dont expect your guests to agree that they should be honoured to be asked. And most of your guests will go if invited, because they are your friends and feel a sense of duty for you. They want to be at your weding, even if it costs them a fortune or is a hassle to them. But make no mistake, even if they tell you they are happy about it, the majority wont be impressed at all.

Think about it. How many times have you ever lied about how you feel or done something that you really dont want to be doing, just to keep the peace.

Where did i mention in my post that my guests should be honoured to be invited????????
I am getting married in less than 7 weeks in the south of spain and have nearly 100 guests attending and im almost 100% sure that none of them are going and spending their hard earned cash on flights accomdation etc because its their duty and they have to go!
They are going because they want to go and are all very excited about going to share our special day with me and my OH.
If people are out of work then and cannot afford to go then we totally understand.If people dont want to use up their leave in work then no hassle.If people dont want to go then thats up to them.
I never read such tripe in all my life listening to some of you people making the wedding abroad all about yourselves and your petty grievances!

Sergio · 04-04-2011 12:56AM

jamesbrond wrote: »

All well and good if you want to get married abroad, but dont expect your guests to agree that they should be honoured to be asked. And most of your guests will go if invited, because they are your friends and feel a sense of duty for you. They want to be at your weding, even if it costs them a fortune or is a hassle to them. But make no mistake, even if they tell you they are happy about it, the majority wont be impressed at all.

Think about it. How many times have you ever lied about how you feel or done something that you really dont want to be doing, just to keep the peace.[/QUOT

A wiseman once told me "The only thing that goes with the flow are dead fish!"
If i was invited to a wedding and if i didnt want to go then i wouldnt end of story!
I would never do something out of sense of duty like go to a wedding abroad just to keep the peace.

Feeling guilty about my wedding abroad

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