Husband constantly wants sex

Katgurl · 20-03-2011 10:23AM

Op, you haven't mentioned if you exercise but I would suggest joining the local pool an going for a swim on way home or a run in the morning if you find yourself constantly tired. 30 is too young to be feeling constantly tired or low libido, kids or no kids.

Secondly, you need work on your intimacy with husband so it works for you both - not meeting anyone elses norms.

Talk to your husband and tell him you feel guilty and pressurised by your mismatched libidos.

Then set aside some evenings next week for you to have intimacy with no sex at the end for this week - having a bath or cuddling or whatever. Knowing sex isn't expected at end might let you relax and enjoy. Promise him a couple nights following week of him taking the reins instead.

Compromising and listening to each others needs might help towards finding some common ground which works for you both.

mood · 20-03-2011 07:04PM

Distorted wrote: »

He doesn't have a job. He isn't playing his part financially. He is expecting the OP to provide financially for the entire family. He is at home all day bored and full of energy when the OP gets home tired. He isn't taking all of this into account and is making the OP feel guilty.

Really, in that sort of instance, the very least I'd be expecting of a man is for him to spoil me and be sympathetic towards me!

I'm not really saying what I think here. I am actually trying to be tactful. This is a real culture clash for me and I have many friends who in the position of the OP would have the same attitude as me, but I realise things are different in Ireland than elsewhere.

I assume he would be working full time if he could. Do you really think that the half a million people currently unemployed should have less sex in their relationships!

OP I honestly don't think he wants to much sex (I'm female by the way). Has your sex drive always been so low? If not what changed in your life before it dwindled? If I were you I would be looking for ways to increase my sex drive so you can meet each other half way. Exercise, diet changes, relaxation may help (I'm sure you will find a website or book with advise). A GPs appointment might be needed as it could be an underlying medical condition or side effect of contraception/medication. You seem to have a good relationship with your OH etc and a good sex life should maintain and even enhance the relationship for both partners.

metrovelvet · 20-03-2011 07:44PM

Sorry. Obvious question. Are you attracted to your husband?

LegacyUser · 20-03-2011 10:11PM

I would like to join this conversation, and to be honest I agree with Distorted 100%.

Maybe it’s because I’m half foreigner too, but I’m in shock with many replies here. I would like to share my point of view, hopefully give some suggestions, and also ask how exactly OP is supposed to just “get over it and do it”, when female libido is a really complex issue.

It’s not like she’s lazy. Laziness is something you get over it and do what you have to do. Libido is way more complex!

See, call me a feminist, but I don’t understand the concept of “having sex just to meet his urges”. Even if she wanted to…er…compromise, how is that done, exactly? Faking orgasms? Faking smiles? Lots of lube, so it doesn’t hurt her? (if you are not in the mood, you prob won’t be lubricated either).

What is the problem with him masturbating when she is too tired? Why is it that no one suggested that HE should also work to spice things up? Why is she the only one to be blamed?

I completely agree with what some people suggested here, OP, try to bring more intimacy into the relationship by having quality time together, cuddling, having open and honest conversations, maybe agree on having lots of touching going on but no sex, so you can relax. If after that you feel more in the mood, then go for it.

It sounds like you show appreciation for your husband in many other aspects of life, so I’d be surprised if his self-esteem would be so low.

Besides, as far as I know – please correct me if I am wrong – aside from some more complicated hormonal diseases and effects from contraception (which she would have noticed when they started the relationship, not now), there is very little that can be done medically to improve or restore the libido. Stuff they sell in health shops or sex shops etc are not scientifically proven to work, and just have a placebo effect in some people. In this case, so does a nice glass of wine, some good music and a special moment spent together with your OH.

Best of luck to you guys!

Distorted · 21-03-2011 12:06AM

OP - you might find this current thread on a different forum interesting.

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1171744-DH-bugging-me-for-sex-constantly?pg=1

metrovelvet · 21-03-2011 12:36AM

whatisnormal wrote: »

I would like to join this conversation, and to be honest I agree with Distorted 100%.

Maybe it’s because I’m half foreigner too, but I’m in shock with many replies here. I would like to share my point of view, hopefully give some suggestions, and also ask how exactly OP is supposed to just “get over it and do it”, when female libido is a really complex issue.

It’s not like she’s lazy. Laziness is something you get over it and do what you have to do. Libido is way more complex!

See, call me a feminist, but I don’t understand the concept of “having sex just to meet his urges”. Even if she wanted to…er…compromise, how is that done, exactly? Faking orgasms? Faking smiles? Lots of lube, so it doesn’t hurt her? (if you are not in the mood, you prob won’t be lubricated either).

What is the problem with him masturbating when she is too tired? Why is it that no one suggested that HE should also work to spice things up? Why is she the only one to be blamed?

I completely agree with what some people suggested here, OP, try to bring more intimacy into the relationship by having quality time together, cuddling, having open and honest conversations, maybe agree on having lots of touching going on but no sex, so you can relax. If after that you feel more in the mood, then go for it.

It sounds like you show appreciation for your husband in many other aspects of life, so I’d be surprised if his self-esteem would be so low.

Besides, as far as I know – please correct me if I am wrong – aside from some more complicated hormonal diseases and effects from contraception (which she would have noticed when they started the relationship, not now), there is very little that can be done medically to improve or restore the libido. Stuff they sell in health shops or sex shops etc are not scientifically proven to work, and just have a placebo effect in some people. In this case, so does a nice glass of wine, some good music and a special moment spent together with your OH.

Best of luck to you guys!

Foreigner here too. I dont get this thread either. What are you supposed to do force yourself to have sex when you don't want it? That's like raping yourself.

Sex is 24 hours. Whether its once a day or once a month. The whole dynamic of the relationship is at play.

Ickle Magoo · 21-03-2011 12:46AM

God what a depressing read that thread in the other forum is.

I don't think anyone is suggesting the OP should have sex just to placate her husband - surely the ideal is she would want to have sex. There are plenty of very busy women who enjoy full and varied sex lives, there is no reason why the OP shouldn't be one of them - that the most physically intimate you can be with a partner and such a fun activity is getting classed as a chore and an unreasonable demand of one party on the other is really quite sad.

While it's all very well to view the wishes of a spouse to have physical relations as unreasonable, the other way of looking at this is refusing to deal with or partake in one important facet of a relationship is really no different to rescinding on any of the others that result in making the relationship miserable or leaving one party unhappy and unsatisfied. Relationships and marriages are not based upon unconditional love - if the OP keeps rejecting this man then she risks permanently damaging her relationship with him - if not putting the relationship itself at risk.

Surely rather than assuring her that it's grand for one party to call veto on a sexless marriage and pointing her in the way of bitter women who resent their husbands daring to want to have physical relations, a healthier approach for both the OP and her relationship is to aim for the OP & her husband enjoying a mutually satisfying love life together?

metrovelvet · 21-03-2011 12:54AM

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

God what a depressing read that thread in the other forum is.

I don't think anyone is suggesting the OP should have sex just to placate her husband - surely the ideal is she would want to have sex. There are plenty of very busy women who enjoy full and varied sex lives, there is no reason why the OP shouldn't be one of them - that the most physically intimate you can be with a partner and such a fun activity is getting classed as a chore and an unreasonable demand of one party on the other is really quite sad.

While it's all very well to view the wishes of a spouse to have physical relations as unreasonable, the other way of looking at this is refusing to deal with or partake in one important facet of a relationship is really no different to rescinding on any of the others that result in making the relationship miserable or leaving one party unhappy and unsatisfied. Relationships and marriages are not based upon unconditional love - if the OP keeps rejecting this man then she risks permanently damaging her relationship with him - if not putting the relationship itself at risk.

Surely rather than assuring her that it's grand for one party to call veto on a sexless marriage and pointing her in the way of bitter women who resent their husbands daring to want to have physical relations, a healthier approach for both the OP and her relationship is to aim for the OP & her husband enjoying a mutually satisfying love life together?

To sum up reductively the complexities of relationship, I think that when someone doesn't want to have sex regulary with their lover or spouse, 95% of the time it's because of what is going on when they are not having sex and that is definitely a two party dynamic.

And sometimes someone just isnt attracted to their spouse/lover anymore. The erotic love transformed into something else.

Ickle Magoo · 21-03-2011 12:59AM

metrovelvet wrote: »

To sum up reductively the complexities of relationship, I think that when someone doesn't want to have sex regulary with their lover or spouse, 95% of the time it's because of what is going on when they are not having sex and that is definitely a two party dynamic.

Agreed - but since when is labelling him an annoyance and sex a chore going to help matters any? If there are other issues causing a decline in libido then like any other relationship issue they have to be addressed, surely? Or it's just going to keep eating away at the relationship and becoming a bigger and bigger issue.

metrovelvet wrote: »

And sometimes someone just isnt attracted to their spouse/lover anymore. The erotic love transformed into something else.

Indeed, in which case the other party is entitled to know they are facing a lifetime of begging for scraps of sex and have the right to decide if that's what they want out of life.

HoneyRyder · 21-03-2011 01:01AM

I'm never sure why some people regard sex as some massive indulgence. Sex is a basic human physiological requirement. We are all programmed to want and need it, albeit to various extents -and therein lies the problem.

I don't have any answers to the OP's problem as I assume she knows herself, her partner and their relationship better than I -however I would just implore you to be aware that this is an issue, a proper one -a serious primal need of your husband's that isn't being met. I don't wish to sound either controversial or alarmist as opposed to realistic but sometimes it's sex at home or sex somewhere else basically.

Not a nice thought but the reality of belonging to a complex species with a diverse range of requisites.

metrovelvet · 21-03-2011 01:11AM

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Agreed - but since when is labelling him an annoyance and sex a chore going to help matters any? If there are other issues causing a decline in libido then like any other relationship issue they have to be addressed, surely? Or it's just going to keep eating away at the relationship and becoming a bigger and bigger issue.

Maybe thats how she feels about it, like its a duty, and a lot of posters here are kind of telling her it's her duty, which isn't going to help matters either, will probably compound the feelings of obligation.

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Indeed, in which case the other party is entitled to know they are facing a lifetime of begging for scraps of sex and have the right to decide if that's what they want out of life.

And begging is never ever attractive....

I think OP its time to be very honest with yourself.

Ickle Magoo · 21-03-2011 01:32AM

metrovelvet wrote: »

Maybe thats how she feels about it, like its a duty, and a lot of posters here are kind of telling her it's her duty, which isn't going to help matters either, will probably compound the feelings of obligation.

I think she has a duty to herself not to just give up on what should be such a wonderful part of her marriage - and what should be such a fun activity for her...it has nothing to do with obliging someone else.

metrovelvet wrote: »

And begging is never ever attractive....

I don't think many would view being in an uneven relationship with growing resentment and unhappiness constantly bubbling under the surface as an attractive proposition especially if there are going to be no efforts made to rectify the situation, it's not like there aren't a multitude of alternatives.

JajaD · 21-03-2011 03:46AM

Every 3 or 4 days? The poor man! That isnt asking a lot. Sounds like your gone off him.

Firetrap · 21-03-2011 09:06AM

It's not as if she doesn't enjoy yourself when it does happen. She said that herself. It's more that she has an issue with initiating sex - something that hurts her husband and is now thinking he's almost pestering her for it.

mood · 21-03-2011 09:49AM

whatisnormal wrote: »

Besides, as far as I know – please correct me if I am wrong – aside from some more complicated hormonal diseases and effects from contraception (which she would have noticed when they started the relationship, not now), there is very little that can be done medically to improve or restore the libido. Stuff they sell in health shops or sex shops etc are not scientifically proven to work, and just have a placebo effect in some people. In this case, so does a nice glass of wine, some good music and a special moment spent together with your OH.

Maybe she changed pill, maybe she is suffering with postnatal depression etc. There could be a medical reason for her low sex drive. Life style changes could possibly help as well.

In my opinion it would be selfish for the OP to do nothing to try to improve the situation. She should be trying to meet her OH half way. Why let what seems to be an otherwise healthy relationship suffer over this! They are only 30 not 60!!!

Giblet · 21-03-2011 10:30AM

Distorted wrote: »

OP - you might find this current thread on a different forum interesting.

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1171744-DH-bugging-me-for-sex-constantly?pg=1

A forum were women think sex is a chore and then they end up talking about eating sh*t?

How is that helpful?

mood · 21-03-2011 10:40AM

Here is something that might help. I took me about two minutes to find! there could be better sites/books with better advise. If you look I'm sure you'll find good advise.

http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/sex_relationships/facts/lackingsexdrive.htm

http://www.100bestdatingsites.com/blog/2008/27-natural-ways-to-boost-your-sex-drive/

matt-dublin · 21-03-2011 11:05AM

OP,

I think that a lot of the comments here form a somewhat distorted view of whats going on.

What you're saying is not that you don't want to have sex with your husband its just you don't think about initiating it and he always has to.

I would seem that he's somewhat pissed that he has to kick it off all the time and you feel somewhat guilty about it? (correct me if im wrong)

@ Distorted, i think you paint a very shallow portrait of an irish woman complaining about a man who can't find work, is trying to and in the meantime is being the primary home carer. Don't forget he might not be working but he will be recieving income from the government.

OP, i think a little spontinuity might be key here, i don't see that there's anything wrong with your relationship, i think its more of a comfort think that you don't priortise sex and many people don't.

I've been in that situation myself where if i wasn't going to initiate it, it would never happen. As previous posters said before, whats your fitness like? Are you generally tired after work?

The reason why i ask is again as previously posted, excercise can significantly increase libido, another question to ask is are you happy with your self appearance, as this too can have an effect on your libido. Are you eating healthily etc?

I don't think there's anything wron with your marriage at all, to me actually it sounds very good.

Remember to take what everyone here says with a pinch of salt, people posting here seem to be somewhat begrudging based on their own experience. The only people who can fix this is you and your other half.

Keep it simple and try something different, sexy lingerie, toys etc. Spicing up that side of things might be enough to make you both feel better.

LegacyUser · 21-03-2011 11:40AM

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

God what a depressing read that thread in the other forum is.

I don't think anyone is suggesting the OP should have sex just to placate her husband - surely the ideal is she would want to have sex. There are plenty of very busy women who enjoy full and varied sex lives, there is no reason why the OP shouldn't be one of them - that the most physically intimate you can be with a partner and such a fun activity is getting classed as a chore and an unreasonable demand of one party on the other is really quite sad.

While it's all very well to view the wishes of a spouse to have physical relations as unreasonable, the other way of looking at this is refusing to deal with or partake in one important facet of a relationship is really no different to rescinding on any of the others that result in making the relationship miserable or leaving one party unhappy and unsatisfied. Relationships and marriages are not based upon unconditional love - if the OP keeps rejecting this man then she risks permanently damaging her relationship with him - if not putting the relationship itself at risk.

Surely rather than assuring her that it's grand for one party to call veto on a sexless marriage and pointing her in the way of bitter women who resent their husbands daring to want to have physical relations, a healthier approach for both the OP and her relationship is to aim for the OP & her husband enjoying a mutually satisfying love life together?

This ^^.
I mean reading that mumsnet thread, likened to a witches coven has to be the most silly thing I have read in quite a while.
This anti men sentiment is quite alarming to the point where surely an informed women could not take seriously.
Relationships are what you make of them and are a two way process. What some women describe here are not relationships but a one way street doomed for failure.

Distorted · 21-03-2011 12:48PM

Giblet wrote: »

A forum were women think sex is a chore and then they end up talking about eating sh*t?

How is that helpful?

I know! God forbid that the OP should be exposed to the views of other women with similar concerns on the biggest online forum for parents in Europe! Shocking stuff indeed! They'll be giving women the vote next!

metrovelvet · 21-03-2011 01:01PM

Giblet wrote: »

A forum were women think sex is a chore and then they end up talking about eating sh*t?

How is that helpful?

She was looking for what is normal. Everyone bar a couple of people are guilt tripping her about her sex drive, and Distorted offered another sample which deviates from the 'normal' picture painted by the other posters.

I am shocked by this thread. That she needs to see a GP or she has a mental illness. OMG its like the 19th century around here.

Ickle Magoo · 21-03-2011 01:20PM

A healthy sex life and relationship is so 19th century? Really?

I'd consider the status quo much more 19th century...none of which posturing helps the OP and her relationship, of course.

metrovelvet · 21-03-2011 01:25PM

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

A healthy sex life and relationship is so 19th century? Really?

I'd consider the status quo much more 19th century...none of which posturing helps the OP and her relationship, of course.

No not a healthy sex life. That is not what I am saying. The attitudes reflected on this thread are 19th century, that she has a duty to fulfill her husbands needs a few times a week and that she is somehow fit to see a doctor or a psych because she doesn't feel like it.

Guilt tripping her and asking her about her excersize regime to somehow up her libido isnt helpful either and trying to land her with these so called 'norms' arent an aphrodisiac either.

I think I explained this a few times and cant make it much clearer.

So yes, I think the responses on this thread are fairly bizarre, but then I am not really Irish so maybe its normal for this country...I dunno.

Emme · 21-03-2011 01:35PM

metrovelvet wrote: »

So yes, I think the responses on this thread are fairly bizarre, but then I am not really Irish so maybe its normal for this country...I dunno.

I'm guilty of one of the "old fashioned" responses but I'm single and would love to be in the OP's position - to have a husband who desires me a few times a week! I've been single so long that if I were married or in a relationship I would have sex even if I didn't really want it but my partner did because I've been on my own for so long. A lot of my contemporaries feel the same way, they would be so grateful just to be wanted by a good partner that they'd sleep with him even if they didn't always feel like it. Call it strange, old-fashioned, but that's how a lot of women feel in this country.

I don't know about other countries (some of the more pro-OP posters on this thread aren't from Ireland) but in Ireland at the moment there seems to be an acute shortage of eligible men. Even though I don't agree with cheating, there are plenty of women in Ireland who would be happy to fill the gap with another woman's husband who isn't getting "it" at home, so to speak.

So maybe people here are responding out of social conditioning (men can cheat if they like in this country and some may feel it's their entitlement if they're not getting "it" at home) and Irish women are aware of this and many will do whatever is necessary no matter how tired they are to hold onto their husbands and their marriages.

Distorted · 21-03-2011 01:37PM

metrovelvet wrote: »

No not a healthy sex life. That is not what I am saying. The attitudes reflected on this thread are 19th century, that she has a duty to fulfill her husbands needs a few times a week and that she is somehow fit to see a doctor or a psych because she doesn't feel like it.

Guilt tripping her and asking her about her excersize regime to somehow up her libido isnt helpful either and trying to land her with these so called 'norms' arent an aphrodisiac either.

I think I explained this a few times and cant make it much clearer.

So yes, I think the responses on this thread are fairly bizarre, but then I am not really Irish so maybe its normal for this country...I dunno.

I feel exactly the same and I'm only half Irish and have lived in several European countries. I find some of the comments really shocking (not just the rude and aggressive ones about me having different views) but the comments that someone who is 10 years into a relationship and still has sex regularly should seek medical intervention. Its as if she is supposed to remain subdued and meek at all times and a man cannot exert any self control or consideration.

If all marriages were like this, I wouldn't want to get married, and I think a lot of women would be deterred. You would have a much better life being single. Its as if you are treated as some sort of lesser person compared to a man, whose views must always be put first, no matter what, and questioning this is some kind of unforgivable sin. The strange thing is as well is that it is a strange view of things because while the man is considered so pre-eminent, he is not expected to work while the wife provides for him and this is considered of no relevance whatsoever!

To me, its something I would expect to hear from a restriced Muslim or Middle Eastern state, not a modern Euoropean country.

Its definately a culture clash.

metrovelvet · 21-03-2011 01:44PM

Emme wrote: »

I'm guilty of one of the "old fashioned" responses but I'm single and would love to be in the OP's position - to have a husband who desires me a few times a week! I've been single so long that if I were married or in a relationship I would have sex even if I didn't really want it but my partner did because I've been on my own for so long. A lot of my contemporaries feel the same way, they would be so grateful just to be wanted by a good partner that they'd sleep with him even if they didn't always feel like it. Call it strange, old-fashioned, but that's how a lot of women feel in this country.

I don't know about other countries (some of the more pro-OP posters on this thread aren't from Ireland) but in Ireland at the moment there seems to be an acute shortage of eligible men. Even though I don't agree with cheating, there are plenty of women in Ireland who would be happy to fill the gap with another woman's husband who isn't getting "it" at home, so to speak.

So maybe people here are responding out of social conditioning (men can cheat if they like in this country and some may feel it's their entitlement if they're not getting "it" at home) and Irish women are aware of this and many will do whatever is necessary no matter how tired they are to hold onto their husbands and their marriages.

When you are ten years into a marriage you might change your tune.

I am single too and have been for a while and I am far from the sentiment that I would feel grateful for someone desiring me. LOL. But then I come from a country where women have a very high status.

At the same time, I would in no way expect a man to hang into a sexless marriage.

Marriage is complicated. Desire fades. People change. You cant force yourself to be attracted to someone you are not attracted to.

If it were a man on here complaining about how his wife isnt satisfied, no doubt there would be questions about the state of her body, her attitudes, her demanding nature...

Distorted · 21-03-2011 01:44PM

Emme wrote: »

So maybe people here are responding out of social conditioning (men can cheat if they like in this country and some may feel it's their entitlement if they're not getting "it" at home) and Irish women are aware of this and many will do whatever is necessary no matter how tired they are to hold onto their husbands and their marriages.

I suspect you are spot on. Bad behaviour seems to be worse in places where it is tolerated rather than sanctioned. But when you have become used to good behaviour, your tolerance for bad behaviour becomes very low. I'm used to men behaving well and treating me well, and I'd never put up with one that didn't.

Ickle Magoo · 21-03-2011 01:59PM

metrovelvet wrote:

No not a healthy sex life. That is not what I am saying. The attitudes reflected on this thread are 19th century, that she has a duty to fulfill her husbands needs a few times a week and that she is somehow fit to see a doctor or a psych because she doesn't feel like it.

Guilt tripping her and asking her about her excersize regime to somehow up her libido isnt helpful either and trying to land her with these so called 'norms' arent an aphrodisiac either.

I think I explained this a few times and cant make it much clearer.

So yes, I think the responses on this thread are fairly bizarre, but then I am not really Irish so maybe its normal for this country...I dunno.

Clearly I'm not irish either, so it can't be entirely cultural...personally I'd hate to be trapped in a relationship with someone who thought trying to address a diminishing sex life which they didn't really enjoy anyway was somehow being unreasonable.

I don't see anyone suggesting the OP should be just lying back and fulfilling her husbands needs? What is shockingly 19th century is the assumption good sex in a relationship is just for men and that it's perfectly acceptable for women who claim to still be in love with and attracted to their partners to make no effort to reinstate a previously much enjoyed love life, instead they should just consign their husband to a sexless marriage and he should just suck that up.

That is not the basis for a healthy relationship and there are many partners of either gender who would not be/are not content to remain in such an arrangement - pointing the OP to other equally unhappy women sharing their lives with equally frustrated and beleaguered men in order to provide an alternative view seems to be blithely ignoring the actual issue the OP raised regarding their libido issues in the vague hope being in good company not only justifies the damage being wrought to the OP's marriage but also reassures the OP that the only issue is her husband - which is hardly objective nor useful in solving the issue between the OP and her husband.

Distorted · 21-03-2011 02:18PM

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I don't see anyone suggesting the OP should be just lying back and fulfilling her husbands needs? What is shockingly 19th century is the assumption good sex in a relationship is just for men and that it's perfectly acceptable for women who claim to still be in love with and attracted to their partners to make no effort to reinstate a previously much enjoyed love life, instead they should just consign their husband to a sexless marriage and he should just suck that up.

But they are still having sex, and reasonably often at that. And theres no suggestion that they are having bed sex or a sexless marriage. Its just that the OP's husband wants it more often.

I don't think its realistic not to expect libidos to wane slightly with familarity and not to be at it all the time. And some people want to do more with their free time than have sex. Its not the be all and end all.

It just doesn't sound as if the OP's life is much fun right now. And if she has to add in getting fit, taking up a new sport, scheduling sex 3 times a week plus the majority of the weekend, plus working full time and looking after her child, she's not going to have any time to herself at all! She will be a wife, a mother, an employee, but when will she relax? I think that sort of regime would drive a person slowly mad!

metrovelvet · 21-03-2011 02:20PM

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Clearly I'm not irish either, so it can't be entirely cultural...personally I'd hate to be trapped in a relationship with someone who thought trying to address a diminishing sex life which they didn't really enjoy anyway was somehow being unreasonable.

I don't see anyone suggesting the OP should be just lying back and fulfilling her husbands needs? What is shockingly 19th century is the assumption good sex in a relationship is just for men and that it's perfectly acceptable for women who claim to still be in love with and attracted to their partners to make no effort to reinstate a previously much enjoyed love life, instead they should just consign their husband to a sexless marriage and he should just suck that up.

That is not the basis for a healthy relationship and there are many partners of either gender who would not be/are not content to remain in such an arrangement - pointing the OP to other equally unhappy women sharing their lives with equally frustrated and beleaguered men in order to provide an alternative view seems to be blithely ignoring the actual issue the OP raised regarding their libido issues in the vague hope being in good company not only justifies the damage being wrought to the OP's marriage but also reassures the OP that the only issue is her husband - which is hardly objective nor useful in solving the issue between the OP and her husband.

I am certainly not suggesting that her husband should just suck it up either. But seriously, telling her to see the GP and get more excersize, as if she is not fulfilling some kind of normal obligations, and omg her poor husband, oh what this must be doing to his ego, and yadda yadda...is 19th century.

I dont read providing the mumsnet link as blithely ignoring the OP at all. Its simply pointing out this is not an uncommon problem. There are a lot of marriages where the erotic charge is gone. And there are a lot of myths around marriage which perpetuate the myth that it is a shock horror when this happens.

But under the surface of all of this is a lot of dodging. First of all, has anyone asked the possibility that ATTACHMENT is often mistaken for 'IN LOVE?" And I don't know if the OP is attracted to her husband either?

Husband constantly wants sex

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