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Husband constantly wants sex

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Comments

  • #32
    Corkblowin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 622 ✭✭✭Corkblowin


    OP, firstly I have to say that you should not feel you are obligated to have sex. It should be a mutually pleasurable and satisfying experience – trust me when I say I believe that your husband has no wish to force you into anything – it sounds to me like he is trying to understand where you are coming from and you say yourself that he is non-confrontational – but that can only continue for so long I’m afraid.

    Can I respectfully suggest that you step back and re-evaluate your position? The tone of your posts suggests that you believe your husband is the only one with an issue – even the title of your thread is that your husband is constantly looking for sex. You’ve looked it up on the net and discussed with your friends and you believe you are normal – I’m afraid nobody can tell anyone else what is normal in a relationship, it is unique and special to each one and there are no such things as quotas.

    Your solution to the issue appears to be to convince your husband that he needs to accept that sexual frequency decreases with age and that he should be satisfied with less in the future. I do not believe this to be true, and also that it is selfish to insist that his desires be diminished - while you think you are being reasonable and compromising you are actually asking him to admit that he is wrong and that his needs are unreasonable.

    I’m not saying that to attack you, and while I cannot possibly feel what you are, I have been where your husband is, not unemployed, but with a wife who’s libido was wildly at variance with my own.

    Only someone who has been in that situation can understand the crushing damage that can be done to a mans self-esteem. In your husbands case it is possibly increased as he is out of work. Your husband is questioning everything at the moment, and assuming it must be him, that he is less of a man, that his wife no longer finds him attractive, that he’s abnormal – which you are reinforcing as you have been telling that 3 times a week is not normal.

    OP there is nothing wrong with a man wanting to make love to his wife, but you are making him feeling like there is, and guilty for trying to, further compounded by the knowledge that you are not going to initate anything. It is likely that he feels equally guilty when you do make love as he knows that you would prefer not to be having sex. Your real problems will arise when he no longer tries, as may well happen if things continue.

    You both started off having a more active sex life, but it has changed in spite of his wishes or without him understanding why, and the logical conclusion for him is that it must be him. You say you believe your husband is happily married, but I can assure you each time you refuse him it’s another cut to his psyche, and while you sleep hes left lying there, looking at the ceiling, contemplating his inadequacy – soon to be facing the realisation that this is what his life will be like for the next 40 years unless something changes……

    You seem like a level headed, compassionate and kind woman who loves her husband, but perhaps the current stresses are clouding the issue. I hope you can step back from the situation and see his position and work towards a mutually understanding.

    While there is merit is having a health check, the fact you do enjoy it when you do have sex suggest that its more mental. Perhaps a session or two with a mediator or counselor where you both can speak to a neutral person about your issues would be more beneficial.

    Is there any way you both can get away for a long weekend or a break, just the two of you, in new surroundings, without family, work and money stresses, where hopefully you can discuss things openly, maybe even rekindle some of the spark you had before, where lovemaking was not seen as a chore or a duty, but something that you both want to enjoy together. You both need to do this before there comes a point where things are said or events happen that can’t be undone.

    I wish you luck and hope you can sort things out.



    Distorted – I find your stance abhorrent. The OP should not feel forced into anything, but at the same time to dismiss her husbands needs because he is not contributing financially is disgraceful and sexist. If the positions were reversed and she was a stay-at-home mother (as was the situation for many decades) would you expect that she have sex with her husband whenever he wanted as the main breadwinners wishes must come first? Of course not. Relationships are a partnership and one persons feeling or desires are not more important than the others.


  • #33
    Moomoo1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,960 ✭✭✭Moomoo1


    Distorted wrote: »
    No, I'm saying "What is she getting for her money?"

    Talk about recession all you like, but theres not many women I know who'd put up with that situation for long.

    so what happens if the husband of one of the women you know loses his job... does the wife just up and leave?

    isn't that just prostitution by another name - you are only there as long as the money is?


  • #34
    common sense brigade
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 506 ✭✭✭common sense brigade


    maybe its the fact that he’s out of work, a little bit deflated and bored is fuelling his sex drive to boost his confidence
    I am a woman age 31 with normal sex drive and full time career mon-fri 40 hour week and i have a 1 year old, and once a week at a push is not normal. 2-3 times would be the norm for couples in their 30's. maybe go to the doctor and discuss your low libido and see can it be treated. He sounds normal you do not. if he is a good husband to you , you should try resolve this. it must be so sad for him that you never initiate sex. Thats what would effect his confidence as much if not more than being out of work.


  • #35
    Distorted
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,064 ✭✭✭Distorted


    Corkblowin wrote: »
    Distorted – I find your stance abhorrent. The OP should not feel forced into anything, but at the same time to dismiss her husbands needs because he is not contributing financially is disgraceful and sexist. If the positions were reversed and she was a stay-at-home mother (as was the situation for many decades) would you expect that she have sex with her husband whenever he wanted as the main breadwinners wishes must come first? Of course not. Relationships are a partnership and one persons feeling or desires are not more important than the others.

    Oh get over it. There are a lot of things in this world that are truly abhorent, and simply pointing out that a woman who wants less sex than her husband (or vice versa) is not mentally ill, in need of medical intervention, should subjugate her needs and ignoring the fact that she is probably very tired from being the sole breadwinner does not qualify as "abhorent". Its just that some people don't like having their stereotypical views challenged.
    Corkblowin wrote: »
    so what happens if the husband of one of the women you know loses his job... does the wife just up and leave?

    isn't that just prostitution by another name - you are only there as long as the money is?

    No, I believe in both parties to the relationship pulling their weight and being flexibile to each other's changing needs and desires. If my boyfriend lost his job, I certainly wouldn't drop him. I would support him and offer him sympathy. But if he were still there 6 months down the line, having made little effort to find work or retrain or relocate, my patience would start to wane. If he was in the same position after a year I would be seriously questioning the relationship and whether I'd be better being single. I have a friend whose husband was made redundant and struggled to find a new job. While looking, he started retraining as an electrician, took his HGV test and trained for a marathon, but has just found a job in his original field because his new employer was so impressed by his drive. Thats what I'd be looking for my man to do in such a position. And to be honest, I couldn't be bothered with such a mentally fragile one, as suggested on here (not by the OP), who suffered such suggested mental trauma from not getting as much sex as he wants in what is obviously a particularly difficult period for this couple.

    I find some of the comments on here quite repulsive. I just can't think why any woman would want to be with some of the men who think like this when there are so many more decent, patient, understanding men out there who see you as a person 100% of the time, rather than an object to have sex with (even when you don't feel like it). I've certainly never experienced it from a man (red flag!), but then I've always tended to have relationships with men, such as my current partner, who don't want to lie in bed all weekend but want to get out and do other fun stuff too (in Holland the word for spending all day in bed is "rancid"). I will admit it, since everyone on here seems to be ashamed to - I find men who pressurise me for sex when I don't want it a complete turn off.

    I also find it really surprising that the concept of differing libidos and reducing libido is that novel. Its almost like you think people who have sex like that must be so busy having so much sex to make up the numbers, they must be too busy/tired/stale to have really good sex. The thought of her having to "pleasure him in other ways" so he gets his 4 a week or whatever it was - how one sided can you get?

    It might just be a phase this couple are going through. Should the OP really have to visit her doctor to be treated for this? Maybe she would feel a lot better about sex if she wasn't under pressure to have it so often, but when she wanted to. Is this such a novel concept?

    Strange, because its not as if the OP's husband isn't getting sex. He is, but he wants more. So does this mean the many couples who have the same amount of sex as this couple currently does must also go to their doctors?

    Yes, in some cases low libido might be a sign of something else wrong, but to suggest that it is automatically a medical problem when the circumstances indicate the woman is simply tired and stressed by current circumstances, seems to come too close to me to suggesting women have more important as sexual objects rather than real people.


  • #36
    common sense brigade
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 506 ✭✭✭common sense brigade


    Yes, in some cases low libido might be a sign of something else wrong
    The OP states that previously in the relationship they had more sex . so she must have enjoyed sex at that time. so having a low libido now is something that might need addressing. there are medicines available in health food stores that can help a flagging libido .she should talk to a doctor if she is willing to meet her husband half way. no one expects the OP to have sex if she does not want to. But in a marriage it is a partnership and as her husband actaully sounds like a good decent person she should be willing to try and see why their sex life is not fully satisfying for him. im a woman in age 31 with full time career and 1 year old and i desire my husband like crazy. yes i do get tierd but keeping your marriage alive is important and intimacy is important. and sex is important whether people want to believe it isint or not. The OP husband is also staying home raising their son and keeping the house in good order. He is not being idle he is doing the job women have done for centuries and obviously he still loves and desires his wife. as is normal. they are in early 30's not 60's.


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  • #37
    Maple
    Hosted Moderators Posts: 16,186 ✭✭✭✭Maple


    Folks, last warning. Please keep it civil and relevant to the topic at hand.

    Maple.


  • #38
    RodSteel
    Closed Accounts Posts: 168 ✭✭RodSteel


    Distorted wrote: »
    Oh get over it. There are a lot of things in this world that are truly abhorent, and simply pointing out that a woman who wants less sex than her husband (or vice versa) is not mentally ill, in need of medical intervention, should subjugate her needs and ignoring the fact that she is probably very tired from being the sole breadwinner does not qualify as "abhorent". Its just that some people don't like having their stereotypical views challenged.



    No, I believe in both parties to the relationship pulling their weight and being flexibile to each other's changing needs and desires. If my boyfriend lost his job, I certainly wouldn't drop him. I would support him and offer him sympathy. But if he were still there 6 months down the line, having made little effort to find work or retrain or relocate, my patience would start to wane. If he was in the same position after a year I would be seriously questioning the relationship and whether I'd be better being single. I have a friend whose husband was made redundant and struggled to find a new job. While looking, he started retraining as an electrician, took his HGV test and trained for a marathon, but has just found a job in his original field because his new employer was so impressed by his drive. Thats what I'd be looking for my man to do in such a position. And to be honest, I couldn't be bothered with such a mentally fragile one, as suggested on here (not by the OP), who suffered such suggested mental trauma from not getting as much sex as he wants in what is obviously a particularly difficult period for this couple.

    I find some of the comments on here quite repulsive. I just can't think why any woman would want to be with some of the men who think like this when there are so many more decent, patient, understanding men out there who see you as a person 100% of the time, rather than an object to have sex with (even when you don't feel like it). I've certainly never experienced it from a man (red flag!), but then I've always tended to have relationships with men, such as my current partner, who don't want to lie in bed all weekend but want to get out and do other fun stuff too (in Holland the word for spending all day in bed is "rancid"). I will admit it, since everyone on here seems to be ashamed to - I find men who pressurise me for sex when I don't want it a complete turn off.

    I also find it really surprising that the concept of differing libidos and reducing libido is that novel. Its almost like you think people who have sex like that must be so busy having so much sex to make up the numbers, they must be too busy/tired/stale to have really good sex. The thought of her having to "pleasure him in other ways" so he gets his 4 a week or whatever it was - how one sided can you get?

    It might just be a phase this couple are going through. Should the OP really have to visit her doctor to be treated for this? Maybe she would feel a lot better about sex if she wasn't under pressure to have it so often, but when she wanted to. Is this such a novel concept?

    Strange, because its not as if the OP's husband isn't getting sex. He is, but he wants more. So does this mean the many couples who have the same amount of sex as this couple currently does must also go to their doctors?

    Yes, in some cases low libido might be a sign of something else wrong, but to suggest that it is automatically a medical problem when the circumstances indicate the woman is simply tired and stressed by current circumstances, seems to come too close to me to suggesting women have more important as sexual objects rather than real people.

    I will say this in the most civil way possible. Your posts present to me a very ugly, angry read which bears no help to the OP and her situation.


  • #39
    Silverfish
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,698 Mod ✭✭✭✭Silverfish


    RodSteel banned, we couldn't have made the warnings any clearer.


  • #40
    Permabear
    Closed Accounts Posts: 39,019 ✭✭✭✭Permabear


    This post has been deleted.


  • #41
    metrovelvet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,375 ✭✭✭metrovelvet


    I don't get why people are bringing in 'norms'. OP and her husband are not everyone else.

    Sometimes eros goes. Sometimes it comes back. And sometimes it doesn't. But its not always fixable by a GP. Sometimes familiarity makes things lose their charge or sometimes the dynamic makes things wane too.

    But I think its a bit unfair to be talking about norms and making this couple feel like deficients or deviants.


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  • #42
    Ickle Magoo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    I presume people are bringing in "norms" due to the multiple references in the OP about other people, not to mention that her husband should be basing his expectations of their relationship on what "they" say...

    The OP refers to the problem as "libido issues" herself - it's hardly outlandish to suggest libido issues may have a hormonal cause and that a doctor could perhaps help with that.

    If the OP wants to solve this issue and minimise damage to her relationship I'm sure she'll be wanting to explore all possible avenues. :cool:


  • #43
    Permabear
    Closed Accounts Posts: 39,019 ✭✭✭✭Permabear


    This post has been deleted.


  • #44
    fungun
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,120 ✭✭✭fungun


    Distorted wrote: »
    No, I'm saying "What is she getting for her money?"
    Talk about recession all you like, but theres not many women I know who'd put up with that situation for long.

    :eek:

    I earn about 10x what my partner makes and if I ever even started thinking in terms of 'what i am getting for my money' id be worried.
    If you are in a long term stable healthy reln then I cannot understand thinking like this at all....in these circumstances you are in it together and thinking like you say would just show that you are not in it together...you are in it for what you can get out of it, and making sure you dont give more than you get.

    I think the op got some good advice at the start of pg 1, id ignore the later parts of this thread


  • #45
    cafecolour
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,328 ✭✭✭cafecolour


    Do you have a lot of physical contact when there's not sex involved? I.e. cuddling, maybe him giving you a massage (and vice versa), etc. where it's not thought of as foreplay.

    Since if he's only physically affectionate when he wants sex, then you'll start associating any physical affection negatively (i.e. it will be associated with the pressure to have sex in your brain, and you won't be able to relax and enjoy it), and becomes a vicious circle which leave you with even a lower libido.


  • #46
    Moomoo1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,960 ✭✭✭Moomoo1


    Distorted wrote: »

    No, I believe in both parties to the relationship pulling their weight and being flexibile to each other's changing needs and desires. If my boyfriend lost his job, I certainly wouldn't drop him. I would support him and offer him sympathy. But if he were still there 6 months down the line, having made little effort to find work or retrain or relocate, my patience would start to wane. If he was in the same position after a year I would be seriously questioning the relationship and whether I'd be better being single. I have a friend whose husband was made redundant and struggled to find a new job. While looking, he started retraining as an electrician, took his HGV test and trained for a marathon, but has just found a job in his original field because his new employer was so impressed by his drive. Thats what I'd be looking for my man to do in such a position. And to be honest, I couldn't be bothered with such a mentally fragile one, as suggested on here (not by the OP), who suffered such suggested mental trauma from not getting as much sex as he wants in what is obviously a particularly difficult period for this couple.

    I find some of the comments on here quite repulsive. I just can't think why any woman would want to be with some of the men who think like this when there are so many more decent, patient, understanding men out there who see you as a person 100% of the time, rather than an object to have sex with (even when you don't feel like it). I've certainly never experienced it from a man (red flag!), but then I've always tended to have relationships with men, such as my current partner, who don't want to lie in bed all weekend but want to get out and do other fun stuff too (in Holland the word for spending all day in bed is "rancid"). I will admit it, since everyone on here seems to be ashamed to - I find men who pressurise me for sex when I don't want it a complete turn off.

    I also find it really surprising that the concept of differing libidos and reducing libido is that novel. Its almost like you think people who have sex like that must be so busy having so much sex to make up the numbers, they must be too busy/tired/stale to have really good sex. The thought of her having to "pleasure him in other ways" so he gets his 4 a week or whatever it was - how one sided can you get?

    It might just be a phase this couple are going through. Should the OP really have to visit her doctor to be treated for this? Maybe she would feel a lot better about sex if she wasn't under pressure to have it so often, but when she wanted to. Is this such a novel concept?

    Strange, because its not as if the OP's husband isn't getting sex. He is, but he wants more. So does this mean the many couples who have the same amount of sex as this couple currently does must also go to their doctors?

    Yes, in some cases low libido might be a sign of something else wrong, but to suggest that it is automatically a medical problem when the circumstances indicate the woman is simply tired and stressed by current circumstances, seems to come too close to me to suggesting women have more important as sexual objects rather than real people.

    In that case I think you are just misreading the first post. There is nowhere any suggestion that the OP's partner is not pulling his weight. In fact, he is doing his housework, looking after the kids and still doing some paid work (hence the OP saying he's at home _most_ days - but not all).

    Talking about stress, actually, looking after a child when one parent works is MUCH less stressful than when two parents work. So I don't see what's so stressful about the current circumstances for the OP: when her partner starts working full time and she will have to do her full share of childcare and housework, then it will get a whole lot worse imho. And in fact, nowhere does the OP mention stress: it's you who decided for her that she must be stressed.

    Finally, you say you find men who pressurise you for sex a turn-off. Well, I, like many men on here, find wives who constantly refuse sex and never take initiative a turn-off. A major turn-off. And the problem is that OP doesn't want to be found a turn-off, that's why she is worried about this.


  • #47
    Distorted
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,064 ✭✭✭Distorted


    Moomoo1 wrote: »
    In that case I think you are just misreading the first post. There is nowhere any suggestion that the OP's partner is not pulling his weight. In fact, he is doing his housework, looking after the kids and still doing some paid work (hence the OP saying he's at home _most_ days - but not all).

    Talking about stress, actually, looking after a child when one parent works is MUCH less stressful than when two parents work. So I don't see what's so stressful about the current circumstances for the OP: when her partner starts working full time and she will have to do her full share of childcare and housework, then it will get a whole lot worse imho. And in fact, nowhere does the OP mention stress: it's you who decided for her that she must be stressed.

    But I think people post on here to get a range of differing views, or for people to read between the lines and spot things they can't see for themselves. Or perhaps they do just post to get reinforced stereotypes.

    I guess if everyone around her tells the OP that she should get over herself and have more sex with her husband even if she doesn't feel like it, she will assume that is correct. And no-one with a different viewpoint will dare to post, because they will be ridiculed or told they have a problem with men, or are suffering from rejection or suchlike. Or possibly even a lesbian.

    I asked my OH about this and he said he would never expect a woman to have sex if she didn't feel like it, unless it went on for a very prolonged period. He says its not part of some pre-arranged deal. He said that men always expecting to get as much sex as they wanted all the time was unrealistic and lacking in self control. He also compared such a notion to the one that women were supposed to cook dinner every night. I think we both find it rather an outdated viewpoint.

    My OH is not Irish.

    I'm not sure I actually believe all that rhetoric about stay at home dads either. Such relationships have a higher risk of ending, and most comments from women in such relationships seem to suggest that they still end up doing a lot of the childcare related duties as well as working full time. Perhaps the OP is the lucky exception.

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1303563/House-husbands-times-likely-cheat-wives.html
    Moomoo1 wrote: »
    Finally, you say you find men who pressurise you for sex a turn-off. Well, I, like many men on here, find wives who constantly refuse sex and never take initiative a turn-off. A major turn-off. And the problem is that OP doesn't want to be found a turn-off, that's why she is worried about this.

    If your latter paragraph does indeed represent the OP truthfully, then perhaps the solution is indeed for her to get some drugs to solve her problem? I guess what I'm saying is that I would expect a man in such a situation to act with a bit of class and intelligence and I wouldn't have any truck with one that didn't.

    Personally I think the solution is for the OP's husband to give her a bit of space for a bit combined with non-sexual touching, and maybe do some things to make her feel special. I think he also needs to realise she needs time to wind down and that doesn't necessarily mean having sex. Maybe he could arrange a short break for her or a nice day out? Then she might find her libido picks up.


  • #48
    AbdulAzeez
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2 ✭AbdulAzeez


    Some women nowadays don't realise how good they have it and are too far up their own arse that they need a wake up call.
    Some women feel its their God given right to be selfish, opinionated and heartless.
    The concept of compromise in a relationship is alien to them and some believe it's a sign of weakness.
    OP, maybe you are not like this but if you feel you cant be the person your husband married, call it a day and move on.


  • #49
    FortyPlusHubby
    Closed Accounts Posts: 79 ✭✭FortyPlusHubby


    Not Tonight Dear wrote: »
    I do find that I will say no to him the first day he instigates it and then generally have sex the next day. He is understanding when I do turn him away and isn't confrontational but I always feel a little bit guilty. He says it really bothers him that I never initiate sex or ever seem interested in talking about sex and feels that I only really have sex to keep him quiet.

    Hi Op,

    I have a great deal of sympathy with your husband's position, as I've spent most of the last 10-20 years in a similar position to him. It is incredibly soul-destroying for a man to be regularly rejected by his wife in this way, and I'm fairly sure that most men would find the idea of their wives only having sex to appease them as most deflating and unsatisfying. This is especially true where the husband has been (in your own words) an excellent, caring, and supportive husband despite his own loss of employment. You certainly should not feel under pressure to have sex with your husband on any individual occasion, but you really should attach some importance to your sex life being satisfying for you both.

    Sex for a man is as important as hair to a woman (sorry if that's a bad analogy). If a woman loses her hair through allopecia she would seek treatment, even though it's clearly not a threat to her general health. It is a threat to her mental health however, and needs to be addressed. For a man hair loss is inevitable (if it's in the genes) but loss of sex is not. I'm fairly sure your husband is suffering a lot of anxiety as a result of your loss of interest in sex. He is very likely blaming himself for it.

    Some posters here have suggested going to your GP, and maybe that's worth pursuing. I think more than anything else though you owe it to your husband to talk it through with him, to reassure him that your loss of libido is not his fault (he will have trouble believing that) and to agree a course of action that might improve your sexual lives together. I think the advice Zen365 offered earlier around intimacy was very good and something to consider for you both.

    Best of luck,

    40pH


  • #50
    Ickle Magoo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    AbdulAzeez banned - sexist generalities, trolling and flaming are not permitted on this forum.


  • #51
    tinkerbell
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,423 ✭✭✭tinkerbell


    Jees OP, I can't understand why you can't set aside some time for your husband when he has done all the housework before you get home. People who work full time five days a week and have to do housework, cook dinners, exercise, etc can still try to find time to spend with their partners.

    I think you need to take a step back and evaluate how important your husband's happiness is to you. Because right now, you don't seem to value that. He's got a full time job at the moment too, you know - he's keeping the house in order, looking after the baby, etc. And if he can make an effort, so can you.

    Oh and coming home every night after work only for you to plonk yourself in front of the tv or read a magazine is making your libido even lower probably. Maybe if you exercised a bit, you might feel more energised and then you might not be so tired in the evenings after work.


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  • #52
    miec
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 856 ✭✭✭miec


    Hi Op

    As others have mentioned, I believe that having some form of contact, whether it is a massage, cuddle, kissing etc would help your husband.

    Although I am a woman, I was in the position of your husband, my ex had a lower libido than me, sex for him became a chore and he felt under pressure and I felt like a cretin because I wanted sex more than him (this issue is not just confined to men) now we were not married, we had planned that but I knew eventually that I could not live a life of constant rejection. The problem I had was my ex never kissed, cuddled or touched me outside of sex and the sex was brief so the intimacy was brief. I do believe I would have been content with more touching etc it did not have to be full sex but the experience left me with very low self confidence, which I still have. Your husband is not looking for a huge amount of sex, and maybe you can find a half way point. It is important to show him how much he means to you (when I say show I mean physically, it is easy to say I love you etc, but they are just words, give him a hug, massage his feet, rub his shoulders, whatever to show him he matters). He is meeting you half way by keeping the house clean and children looked after.


  • #53
    Emme
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,055 ✭✭✭Emme


    OP, are you tired in general? Maybe the low libido is part of something else such as an underactive thyroid. Go to your GP and get this and any other tests he or she might consider useful. You owe it to yourself for your general health and to your husband for the sake of your marriage.

    It sounds like you have a really good husband who makes a real contribution by caring for the children etc. Why not show your appreciation for him by giving him a massage a few times a week with sensual oils and it might get you in the mood.

    Seriously, you are very very lucky, there are many women who would love to be in your position - you have a good and faithful husband who is interested in you sexually. He deserves to be shown some appreciation.


  • #54
    up for anything
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,790 ✭✭✭up for anything


    Moomoo1 wrote: »
    This post had been deleted.

    They might find it a turn-off but it doesn't stop them from asking.
    Permabear wrote: »
    This post has been deleted.

    There are lots of women out there who would love the cuddles without sex some of the time but it seems very difficult for men to be able to stick to that without trying to turn it into sex, in the nicest possible way but which reeks of passive coercion.


    I also don't get that so many of you are lauding the OP's husband for looking after the house, baby and cooking on a daily basis when he isn't working. It's his house, baby and he needs to eat too.

    As you seem to be concerned about this and wanting to improve your libido, OP, you should probably take on board a lot of the advice given to you here.


  • #55
    Silverfish
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,698 Mod ✭✭✭✭Silverfish


    Hi folks,

    Can we ease up on the gender generalisations in this thread please.

    Thanks.


  • #56
    Moomoo1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,960 ✭✭✭Moomoo1


    up for anything wrote: »
    They might find it a turn-off but it doesn't stop them from asking.

    well, if you can't have a four-course meal you'd still ask for a sandwich, sure
    up for anything wrote: »
    I also don't get that so many of you are lauding the OP's husband for looking after the house, baby and cooking on a daily basis when he isn't working. It's his house, baby and he needs to eat too.

    he is doing some work - just not full time


  • #57
    Silverfish
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,698 Mod ✭✭✭✭Silverfish


    Okay and final warning, if your only contribution is to quote and argue with another poster and not offer any advice to the OP, you will be banned.

    On-topic and helpful, constructive advice only please.


  • #58
    trio
    Closed Accounts Posts: 494 ✭✭trio


    Look, at the end of the day OP, this isn't a sexual problem ye have - it's a marital one. And should be treated with the utmost seriousness that it implies.

    It's horrible to always feel like you're the beast who's pawing at the reluctant person who doesn't seem to fancy you and seems to be just doing it to shut you up.

    And sex is a vital part of marriage - I know it's often considered the least important part of a marriage after kids and years have gone by - but it remains vital nevertheless.

    I think a clearing of the air is in order. And, boring as it sounds, a regular routine drawn up. An agreement that suits both of you. That means, yes - an arrangment to do it on a Wednesday for example.

    I know it sounds a bit clinical. But it solves the problem of him feeling insecure about being rejected every week, and you worrying about when he's going to try it on. It makes it less of an emotional time bomb waiting to blow up.

    Only thing is - you both have to stick to it.


  • #59
    CK2010
    Closed Accounts Posts: 543 ✭✭✭CK2010


    trio wrote: »

    I think a clearing of the air is in order. And, boring as it sounds, a regular routine drawn up. An agreement that suits both of you. That means, yes - an arrangment to do it on a Wednesday for example.

    I know it sounds a bit clinical. But it solves the problem of him feeling insecure about being rejected every week, and you worrying about when he's going to try it on. It makes it less of an emotional time bomb waiting to blow up.

    Only thing is - you both have to stick to it.

    see, i dunno if id agree with that. for general lack of libido due to genuine tiredness etc. then id agree with a schedule to kind of get back on track so to speak, but if things are as bad as they seem to be then i think it'd turn into a case of her knowing she has to do it on wednesday so she then starts dreading it for the whole monday and tuesday and then because of that dread it'll just reinforce the whole negativity surrounding sex. maybe im wrong, i just get the impression its not an issue of getting over an obstacle (tiredness, lack of energy) but is more the OP creating obstacles to avoid it. correct me if im wrong though, just my two cents.


  • #60
    Firetrap
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,442 ✭✭✭Firetrap


    I wonder would the OP be open to the idea of going to a therapist about the problem? Reading what she's written, she's the one who's dishing out more hurt than being hurt if you know what I mean. I don't think there would be any harm into looking at why she has a low libido. I know she's tired because of her job and their kid but it does sound like she's looking for excuses not to have sex. She says she does enjoy it when it does happen so is there a mental block there somewhere?


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  • #61
    Darthhoob
    Closed Accounts Posts: 339 ✭✭Darthhoob


    to be honest i think the issue ehre is not that you dont have sex often enough for your husband but that you never instigate it. you could have sex 7 times a week but if he is always instigating it, it wont be considered a good sex life...as he wont feel like you want him...it'll feel like it's a chore to you and just going through the motions so to speak.

    i've had this issue on both sides lol. my OH had a low sex drive for a while, due to a medical condition...which got sorted then we were evenly matched for a few years... nowadays i have a low libido due to tiredness and kids that dont blooming sleep :pac: kids being awake tends to put you off and by time they go back to sleep ya tired + worried about them waking up again. can't relax.
    but we make time for intimacy, we kiss,cuddle,hug, watch a movie together. you can do these thigns when tired, kids are awake even whilst doing housework...keeps the passion alive i find. makes us both know we fancy the pants off eachother....dont NEED sex to show that. but it seems in your case OP that it's a little one sided of late x


This discussion has been closed.
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