Bf gave ashes to my child without asking

So the problem really is that he returned too late to bring you to mass to get ashes

And yet, because he probably knew he'd be too late to bring you, and knew you couldn't get there yourself, he got blessed ashes from his mother, thinking that would be ok for you...and your problem is???

advice please wrote: »

I work most weekends so we're usually not together when i'm going to the church. On the previous occassions when we were together he just hasn't come. This is the first time he said he didn't want to come. While religion is important to me i have never wanted to force that on him and other areas of our relationship are great. We live in different parts of the country so we might only see each other once or twice a month, as with my daughter i would be more restricted to travelling down to him for nights out and we both work near where we live, so its tricky but it generally works. I guess the downside is that we haven't encountered the majority of problems that most people would have by now

Right now I'm confused....you said he did agree to go to mass and then missed it due to running late but didn't think it was a big deal so didn't bother to contact you to say he was running late. Now your stating he didn't want to go. If he has issues with religion then you need to have a sit down and sort out were you stand as clearly this is a make or break issue for you.

advice please wrote: »

No, he would have been a few mins late, but we would have been there for the majority of it. He decided he didn't want to go then and then went to his mothers for the ashes. The diversion meant that by the time he went off to his mothers and returned that had we gone straight to the church we would have arrived when everyone was leaving! His mother doesn't live too close to him. He never let me know that he was running late or his intention to go to his mothers and miss this.

I feel that
-if he didn't want to go, he should have just told me
-he should have let me know he was running late and consulted me about planning on going to his mothers for ashes and missing the church completely
-he should have asked me before applying the ashes to my child and almost myself!

He feels that it doesn't matter and is nothing for me to need to 'have a chat' over and that there isn't a problem between us, the only problem is with me. Which seems to also be the consensus of this thread

It's not a case OP that people think he's right and your wrong but rather there is a problem with your relationship. The start of the thread was confusing as it appeared your only issue was him applying ashes to your child and I assumed your issue was with him being non religious having an influence on your child. It's clear the issue is a lack of communication on both your parts with regard to religion. He either clearly does not understand how important your religion is to or he does but doesn't care nor respect your view. Regardless of which it is you need to have a sit down and discuss the issue as it is clearly something that will become a bigger issue down the road.

OP , Im not sure where all these crazy reactions are coming from, people are clearly not reading your posts properly, I was getting confused by the responses even before you posted your second post.
I know your probably livid now, but when your not quite as angry you need to explain to him that that kind of carry on is well out of order and unfair.

Ok, this is a basic lesson in guys being guys.
taking religion aside, this could be absolutely anything and everything dearly important to you.

Its very clear from this and other posts that your OH doesn't really see the importance of this to you, and in this case, no one is to blame but yourself.

advice please wrote: »

.

I feel that
-if he didn't want to go, he should have just told me

well did you tell him how important it was for you to go? or just say, can you pick me up to go get the ashes today in mass?..etc
This to a non religious person is not in anyway serious, as all he is going to see is 'OH needs ashes this evening'
What we are all seeing and realizing is that even though he may not have taken it serious, he took it serious enough to ensure you and your daughter had the ashes, his way of doing that was through his mother, this isn't a bad or mean decision process from him, its a kind way of him probably wanting to spend more time with you and not see the need to go to church... in his mind this is a Win win situation.

advice please wrote: »

.
-he should have let me know he was running late and consulted me about planning on going to his mothers for ashes and missing the church completely

-he should have asked me before applying the ashes to my child and almost myself!

Both of these in turn are side effects of your expectations once again, you are expecting him to know the seriousness of this. Did you actually seriously tell him that this is really really important? to the point you have every grounds for reason to give him an ear load?
I don't think this is the case, and instead you are upset that he made some decisions that went against your plans, to which the best advise given here would be not hold it against him, and have a chat and let him know how much all this meant to you so in future it won't happen again.

OP, if he had said right away that he didn't want to go how were you planning on getting to the church? I ask because it doesn't seem as if you had the means to get you and your daughter there by yourself. I wonder if he felt under pressure to bring you because surely, if you weren't putting him under pressure, it would have gone without saying that he didn't have to go?

i agree with the poster who said that the op was attracting a negative attitude because of the religious context here. Tbh i also think that the op isn't overly familiar with forum etiquette is probably adding to people being unusually negative towards her, some of the comments here are awful.

If the op had posted something like :had nice dinner out plans with oh, kept my night free for him, got dolled up and then sat around waiting at home without a phone call or text and when he was too late for dinner then he returned with a bag of chips, feel upset now, what should i do? I'd say then everyone would be slating the bf.

The op has already said that she made a typo in saying the oh didn't want to go, he told her he did want to go. As another poster pointed out anyone growing up in a catholic family in ireland knows how important ash wednesday is. I'm sure the op's oh knows religion and these events are very important to her after two years of being with her!

Op quite honestly i think he was trying to get involved by saying he wanted to go and then got cold feet. Maybe he's a bit worried about how he would be received at his local church if he hasn't been in a long time and lives in a rural area? Would he find it easier to attend a different church perhaps? Or perhaps he was just having fun and couldn't have been bothered to leave that on time to go to church with you, who knows? Have you asked him why he was late? I find it really strange that even though he was running a little late for it, he still diverted to his mothers without consulting you and thus keeping you too late to go. If he was only going to be 5 mins late i'd say he would have gone home unless he just didn't want to go.

Anyhow talk to him, i think you need to make it clear how important religion is to you, ask him does he understand that, and get an acknowledgement from him that he does. If he doesn't explain it to him so from now on he definitely understands the importance and there will be no more mishaps because he didn't think it was a big deal. Tell him that you're not forcing your religion on him, but if he wants to get involved you would be happy to have him with you. Make it clear to him that his level of involvement is up to him, ie he doesn't have to spend three nights a week at church, as he might find your level of involvement overwhelming to him, he can take it at his own pace.

Good luck with it (jaypers that was a long reply! lol)

Deleted User wrote: »

Only because most people think she overreacted.. I can't imagine my girffriend screaming at me over ash wednesday of all things.

For those of us who not subscribe to the practices of a particular faith, those practises may seem trivial, or even ridiculous. Catholicism has developed very many rituals which are not derived directly from the teachings of their Founder, but rather are associated with expressions of belonging to the faith itself. There is nothing inherently wrong with such practices, and Op is entitled to place a high value on these expressions and rituals. She does not need our approval.

I asked earlier in this thread if Op could explain why the bf's use of ashes was problematic for her, as I got the sense from the original post that there was a conflict between what she was posting and what she was actually annoyed at. I think her replies have clarified that her annoyance was that he arrived too late to take them to the mass, which was what she had wanted. He did not phone or text to say he would be late, and it appears his lateness was exaggerated by his detour to pick up ashes from his mother's.

In short then, he caused her to miss an event which mattered to her (we should not be judging whether or not the event is important to us) and then he tried to make amends in a way which (she perceives) belittles the importance of her desire to have attended the mass.

I doubt he meant any offence. I think he probably thought he was going to get kudos for having picked up the ashes by way of making it up to her. He's probably a bit shocked that a member of a religion which teaches love and forgiveness was not willing to see how he had tried to make matters right, and instead was unforgiving and unloving towards him. That of course is the dichotomy of the religious position; religions do not make us better people - they simply challenge us to be better, which is a good thing in itself.

Sorry for my waffle, Op. I'm guessing that what I'm trying to say is that you should find it in your heart to forgive this guy, because that is what the wearing of the sign of faith is really about.

Be at peace,

Z