Bf gave ashes to my child without asking

LegacyUser

I realise that personal religious issues might come into some replies from posters but i'm asking you to please not let your own personal views colour your advice about my situation. Thanks.

I am A religious Catholic, my bf is not. I have a daughter from a previous relationship and had planned on the three of us going today to get blessing and ashes. My bf was happy enough to go but i let him know he didn't have to, but it was important for me to go. Anyhow he arrived home late to go to the church and as i was upstairs at the time i went down to see that he and my daughter their foreheads plastered in ash. His mother had given him ash from the church and he decided that would be good enough. He was about to throw it on me when i stopped him furious. He never asked me or even thought to consult with me to see if it was ok for him, a non religious person who hasn't been inside a church for twenty odd years except for funerals, to apply the ashes to my daughter. Because he had decided that this would be enough he also decided without asking, that we were missing the church.

I'm really really upset by this and deeply offended, any advice?

Logical Fallacy

Talk to him about it. In a calm and rational manner. Explain that your religious beliefs are a part of who you and you feel they cannot just be paid lip service to in an effort to save time.

LegacyUser

You say that he is a non-religous person who hasn't been to church except for funerals.

Maybe he didn't realise the importance of this to you, he might even have thought you'd be glad he showed an interest, or did something religous for your daughter.

I don't know, but I second Logical Fallacy's advice about having a calm discussion about it where you make your feelings and beliefs clear.

Zen65

advice please wrote: »

I am A religious Catholic, my bf is not.

......

He never asked me or even thought to consult with me to see if it was ok for him, a non religious person who hasn't been inside a church for twenty odd years except for funerals, to apply the ashes to my daughter.

Op,

I'm confused by your post.

Are you saying that the symbolism of the mark of ashes is adversely affected if a non-religious person is involved in some way?

If that is the case, can you explain why this is?


Or am I completely missing your point?

Be at peace,

Z

Neyite

While I would share somewhat your boyfriends view of the catholic faith, what he did was out of order. I dont want to be disrespectful of your beliefs, but what he did might be similar to feeding your kids loads of sweets just before you are about to go to a restaurant for a lovely family meal, because its 'still food and all the same stuff anyway'.

You have every right to be annoyed with him. He ruined an important day for you. Call him on it. Ask him if he would be happy with you throwing away tickets to a match he was just about to go to, because he could "hear the match on the radio."

Sound Bite

OP, I'd hazard a guess that he didn't realise this would be offensive to you.

He probably thought it was the symbolism that was important more so than anything else.

Talk about it rationally with him. You might find he did this with the best of intentions.

MLH1

Your a bitch who causes trouble over nothing grow the **** up or get some new ****ing tampons to help you with the stupid ****ing period **** your on.

gimme5minutes

As you say he is not a Catholic so to him it's merely rubbing some dirt into people's forheads, as long as the dirt comes from a church and is therefore holy he probably thought he ticked all the boxes. You say he was then going to 'throw' some on you...he obviously doesn't understand the symbolism of it so you are overreacting by getting furious with someone over something they don't understand. How can you take offence where none was meant?

Silverfish

MLH1 wrote: »

Your a bitch who causes trouble over nothing grow the **** up or get some new ****ing tampons to help you with the stupid ****ing period **** your on.

Banned.

fghijkl

MLH1 wrote: »

Your a bitch who causes trouble over nothing grow the **** up or get some new ****ing tampons to help you with the stupid ****ing period **** your on.

Your not much of a catholic if you have a bastard are you, who are you to be up on your high horse

:rolleyes: scumbag

Op i think he may have meant it as a nice gesture and you are blowing it completely out of proportion. It would be the same as someone from another religion having a hissy fit at you for eating with the wrong hand or something.

you are overreacting by getting furious with someone over something they don't understand

+1 religion aside OP, yes you are being completely irrational in your offence/anger.

Silverfish

fghijkl wrote: »

:rolleyes: scumbag

Banned.

Any more abusive posting in this thread will result in similar bans.


Please keep replies on-topic and helpful to the OP.

tenchi-fan

I think you're missing the point, op. He probably thought it was a nice gesture and in Ireland ashes are often distributed by lay people (including grannies, teachers and various other holy joes)

spinandscribble

Tbh Op he was trying to do something nice for you and you threw it back in his face with your reaction. If he's not good enough to give ashes to your daughter (something that doesn't require a perfect mass attendance record) why are you with him?

whatdoicare

OP I'd just take it as a case of getting wires crossed.
Just say it to him that if it's alright with him, mass is the place for getting the ashes and you wanted to do it as a family etc His mammy probably told him her giving the ashes saves him having to go - he probably hasn't a clue that you think otherwise.
Keep it light - it's important to you but in the grand scheme of things it's not too big a deal.

letsbehonest

I think he was trying to be nice really and if your daughter was going to a catholic school she would prob have got them there anyway!

Ickle Magoo

How long have you been going out? I only ask that because you don't seem to know each other very well.

He was given ash from someone he loves and thinks highly of and who is religious, I assume - and he used that to ash his and your daughters foreheads?

It sounds like he doesn't know what level of importance you put on who dishes out the ash cross - the alternative is he deliberately got himself (a non-religious person) ashed and also ashed your daughter with legitimate church ash, to spite you...

How did your daughter feel? If it was fun for her and a bit of family bonding for them, surely that's a good thing?

All the best

tenchi-fan

It sounds a lot like the op suffers from "my child" syndrome. Generally creating drama in the guise of their child's welfare.

My sister is a teacher and she is plagued by it.

Blatter

Completely over sensitive and over the top reaction from you IMO.

He put some ash on your son on Ash Wednesday, that is all. What are you saying, the fact he dosen't go to mass and isn't very religious that it's completely inappropriate for him to engage in Catholic activities? No way, just go ask a priest what he thinks of it, he will be delighted that your boyfriend and your son have bonded over Ash Wednesday.

You need to lighted up and gain a lot more respect for your OH tbh.

Taltos

tenchi-fan wrote: »

It sounds a lot like the op suffers from "my child" syndrome. Generally creating drama in the guise of their child's welfare.

My sister is a teacher and she is plagued by it.

Op - there was nothing to stop you from just taking a deep breath. Telling your child to wash their face and heading out as you intended to mass. Nothing at all.

If religion is this important to you then for the sake of your relationship you will have to accept that to you BF it is not, or at least from what you have written not to the same extent or level as you.

Maybe sit back and ask yourself honestly why you reacted like you did? Be honest, even if you don't like what stares back at you. Also ask yourself did you present a good role model to your child in how you responded when you saw the ash? Remember children are sponges - and will learn from your reaction - whether it was good or not...

Finally maybe have a discussion of boundaries with your BF - if you feel he overstepped the mark - was he fully aware he was doing so - and what will constitute a breach next time?

Danniboo

OP, you need to practice what you preach(no pun intended). You say you're a very religious Catholic and are very adamant about there rituals, belief etc, yet you've shacked up with your boyfriend, and have had a child out of wedlock:rolleyes: Hypocrisy at it's finest!!!!

You seem to almost look down your nose at your bf. How nice was it of him to respect your beliefs and try and participate and get involved in something that is supposedely special and important to you. I'd say he'll be very hurt if you go lecturing him about this and it does come accross as you thinking he's not good enough to do this. Poor guy:(

cafecolour

advice please wrote: »

Because he had decided that this would be enough he also decided without asking, that we were missing the church.

This is the disturbing part to me. Are you saying your BF told you and your daughter that couldn't go to church, because he felt the ashes were good enough. Why would he be making the decision for you to 'miss' church? Couldn't you go without him?

i have to agree with Danniboo.. Under the shroud of religion, you're making your boyfriend suffer over your interpretation of him giving ash to your children while not even living a religious life yourself.

What he did was an innocent act of putting holy ash on your children.. Probably a good bonding moment in his mind.
What you did was have a huge over-reaction, look a bit looney and definitely give your boyrfriend something to think about.

People are usually accomodating over religious ignorance I would have thought and would only get offending by something blatently offensive. Instead, you were furious at him, offered him no forgiveness and quite frankly, showed a part of your personality that I would run a mile from.

mikemac

For a deeply religious person you'd know that many would say you are "living in sin". Unless they've changed the rules on living with your boyfriend

It was a lovely gesture by the guy but you took offence to it. It was thoughtful and he went out of his way to do it but you failed to see the good in it

But you seem more concerned with petty details.

Appreciate the gesture and if you're going to be so strict about rules, apply them to yourself

Vicxas

OP, im not religious. but i think what your boyfriend was trying to do was that he accepts your faith and was trying to show it as a gesture of goodwill towards your beliefs. I dont think he had any malice in it at all...

humanji

cafecolour wrote: »

This is the disturbing part to me. Are you saying your BF told you and your daughter that couldn't go to church, because he felt the ashes were good enough. Why would he be making the decision for you to 'miss' church? Couldn't you go without him?

+1 to this. The rest seems to be a misunderstanding, but him deciding you weren't going to mass is a bit odd. Did you go to mass anyway? Did he give a reason not to go?

ladygirl

I think Op that your boyfriend was trying to do a kind thing for your child. I dont think it was done with any malice or that he had a hidden agenda.

What he may not have understood is

It may have been a new experience for the child to go to mass and to get the ashes placed on forehead by the priest, something more special than your usual mass. I am not a deeply relegious person however know as a child I enjoyed this. It may have been the first time the child may have been old enough to understand what was happening on ash wednesday.
Im taking it that it was a fun experience for you and your child.

he simply needs this to be explained - but in a calm manner, as i truly dont believe he meant any harm, after all he has respected your relegion and was just trying to get involved.

LegacyUser

TBH it looks to me like the BF was being passive aggressive and some of the reactions here would support this. "Doing something nice" while actually putting down the religious aspect of it all. If he supplies the ashes then you don't have to go to church - and Mass - right? Clever guy. Cutting out the middle man - the church - and supplying his own ashes.

I don't take his actions at face value at all!

IrishEyes19

Zen65 wrote: »

Op,

I'm confused by your post.

Are you saying that the symbolism of the mark of ashes is adversely affected if a non-religious person is involved in some way?

If that is the case, can you explain why this is?


Or am I completely missing your point?

Be at peace,

Z

Dont think thats really the issue here, point is they arranged to go to mass and he';s not her daughters parent, he shouldnt have gone behind her back to get his own way in my opinion.

LegacyUser

We don't live together but my daughter and i were staying with him. I am divorced and had my child while i was married. My ex husband chose to leave me and i did not have a choice in the break up. I have been going out with my oh for 2 years. Perhaps before all the judgement of accusing me of not living a religious life you would either ask for facts or keep your incorrect assumptions to yourself. Had i had a child outside of wedlock or been living with my oh, i would still not have expected the level of judgement present in this thread.

As most have seemed to have missed out on it, my upset has centered around that he decided we were to miss going to the church because he'd gotten the ashes from his mother. I had made it clear to him that he didn't need to go in the first place but he said he would. His home is in a very rural location and the church is not within walking distance so as he had the car he needed to return the house for us to go, which he did so late, too late to go. When i had tried to ring him he wasn't answering although in his defence the signal is awful where he lives.

We have discussed it and he said that he got held up and was going to be late so he thought there was no point going if we would be late, he then went to his mothers to get the ashes. He said he didn't think to let me know he would be late or didn't think to ask me

Danniboo

advice please wrote: »

We don't live together but my daughter and i were staying with him. I am divorced and had my child while i was married. My ex husband chose to leave me and i did not have a choice in the break up. I have been going out with my oh for 2 years. Perhaps before all the judgement of accusing me of not living a religious life you would either ask for facts or keep your incorrect assumptions to yourself. Had i had a child outside of wedlock or been living with my oh, i would still not have expected the level of judgement present in this thread.

As most have seemed to have missed out on it, my upset has centered around that he decided we were to miss going to the church because he'd gotten the ashes from his mother. I had made it clear to him that he didn't need to go in the first place but he said he would. His home is in a very rural location and the church is not within walking distance so as he had the car he needed to return the house for us to go, which he did so late, too late to go. When i had tried to ring him he wasn't answering although in his defence the signal is awful where he lives.

We have discussed it and he said that he got held up and was going to be late so he thought there was no point going if we would be late, he then went to his mothers to get the ashes. He said he didn't think to let me know he would be late or didn't think to ask me

But yet you judge others who don't meet your religious expectations:rolleyes:

That's entirely different to your first post, he was late back so didn't think there was any point going to the mass, which is understandable. And then he had the decency to drive to his mothers to get ashes as he didn't want you too miss out on what was important to you, he sounds like an awful b*****d:rolleyes:

ztoical

advice please wrote: »

As most have seemed to have missed out on it, my upset has centered around that he decided we were to miss going to the church because he'd gotten the ashes from his mother. I had made it clear to him that he didn't need to go in the first place but he said he would. His home is in a very rural location and the church is not within walking distance so as he had the car he needed to return the house for us to go, which he did so late, too late to go. When i had tried to ring him he wasn't answering although in his defence the signal is awful where he lives.

OP you need to clear up what it is your upset about as your all over the place it seems. The thread title and first post suggests your issue was with your BF putting ash on your child without asking you, now it seems your upset that you missed mass because he said he would go but then didn't show up on time to bring you. If you've been seeing him for 2 years I find it very odd that this is coming up as an issue now. Either he just doesn't care one way or the other about religion and doesn't understand how important it is to you or he has issues with religion and is going out of his way to annoy you....either way if religion plays such an important role in your life it is very confusing that you could be seeing someone who doesn't share or at the very least understand your views.