I have a habit of staring people down, I need to get rid of it

CorkMan · 27-01-2011 09:14PM #1

A couple of years ago I lived in a homeless shelter and was going through problems. There was always tension in the air in the place and I had to stand up for myself. I had to show I wasn't weak. People were saying they would stab me and be playing with knives when I was around. One fella who threated to kill me spilled ketchup "accidentially" on me a couple of times.

I can remember one time I was walking up the street and I caught myself unawares of a reflection in a doorway. I had a big scowl on my face, I wasn't smiling a bit. I was not aware of this, I did not consciously do this but my complexion was like this. When I was walking in the street, if someone made eye contact with my I would stare at them hard. I would walk around people would look towards the floor, I just did it, though I was raised to be a gentleman and am one really.

I suppose what is not helping a damn lot is i've a stupid b***h of a sister. She was OK before, but she has finished her apprenticeship at a business firm. It worked that she started working there first, then she'd get promoted after 2 years work and train the new people coming in. But the b***h has been getting all bossy lately. She had to get a car for her job and it is hell in the car. She makes a point to turn on the heating on and off when I am sitting next to her, she puts her hand right up to my f***ing face when pointing out my side of the window, if she has to go out of the car for 20 seconds to get something in a shop she locks the car up completely while out.

My dad suggested it is cos of her promotion in her job, and I am incling to agree. One time she visited me with her work clothes on and she walked in and stared me down, keeping the stare as she walked towards me.

But back to me, now I am here now with no problems and have a place to call home, but I still have a tendency to stare people down even if I don't want to do it. I do it to my Dad, my Doctor, other people I meet. How do I kick it? What can be done to not do it?

Johnny Utah · 27-01-2011 09:36PM

Try wearing a pair of sunglasses... then people won't be able to see you staring! :cool:

Btw, sounds like your sister has issues- she locks you in the car and turns on the heating full blast? wtf? maybe she should see a counsellor for some help?

Gi joe! · 27-01-2011 11:07PM

The simplest thing is just to SMILE. Everywhere you go. Not talking about a big fake one but a little grin as you're walking will do wonders.:)

From getting my face pretty battered last week, I made the effort to always be looking upbeat and friendly when out and about, otherwise with my tight haircut and busted face people would have given me a wide berth!

albeit · 27-01-2011 11:31PM

If you unconsciously frown all the time, then make a conscious effort to raise your eyebrows. Even if that makes you look more surprised or something it will make you look friendlier. Smiling all the time is no good if you are still frowning, that will only make you look very suspicious.

LegacyUser · 28-01-2011 12:53AM

What do you hope to solve? Staring down people or your sister issues?

Staring down people - that is a conscious act. It is not subliminal.

If you are concerned about peoples reactions to you (looking down), maybe you need to ask yourself why they are reacting that way and change it.

Adopt a neutral demeanor at least.

John Mason · 28-01-2011 10:19AM

You come across as a very angry person in your post which is probably why you are scowling at everyone.

You have a lot of anger towards your sister - are you jealous of her promotion ?

CorkMan wrote: »

A. She makes a point to turn on the heating on and off when I am sitting next to her,

This is normal, i do it all the time - my feet get freezing when i am driving. then i get too warm and i turn it off and then i get cold and i turn it etc.

she puts her hand right up to my f***ing face when pointing out my side of the window,

may be she doesnt know she is doing this, again to be honest i do it too

if she has to go out of the car for 20 seconds to get something in a shop she locks the car up completely while out.

again, completely normal, i lock my car in the secure carparking at work - ionly takes 5 seconds for some take something out of the car

moco · 28-01-2011 11:22AM

irishbird wrote: »

You come across as a very angry person in your post which is probably why you are scowling at everyone.

You have a lot of anger towards your sister - are you jealous of her promotion ?

This is normal, i do it all the time - my feet get freezing when i am driving. then i get too warm and i turn it off and then i get cold and i turn it etc.

may be she doesnt know she is doing this, again to be honest i do it too

again, completely normal, i lock my car in the secure carparking at work - ionly takes 5 seconds for some take something out of the car

I do these things too

Apart from the pointing thing which she might not realise. It seems you're bubbling over with rage towards her and are seeing everything she does as things just done to annoy you.

seamus · 28-01-2011 12:02PM

Agreed with irishbird here. You come across as very angry in general. This would go some way towards explaining why you stare people down; you may be constantly simmering with rage and you're unconsciouly hoping someone will take umbrage with your stares and give you a reason to have a row?

With your sister, I think you're seeing things which aren't there. When I'm driving the car, I mess with the heating constantly to get the temperature right. Pointing out the window, she probably doesn't even realise that it makes you uncomfortable and she's possibly distracted by driving. The next time she does it, calmly just put your hand over hers and move it out of your face.
Locking the car, again totally normal. I do it as a habit all the time, even when my wife is sitting in the car.

Are you jealous of your sister? I imagine this "bossiness" you're perceiving may be a result of an increase in confidence on her part, due to her success in work. If she's become a manager of people, she's likely also taken assertiveness and people management courses and is simply applying these skills to her daily life. Some people can have a "work persona" and a "home persona". Some can't.
Many people (particularly in Ireland) also have a tendency to confuse assertiveness with bossiness and consider anyone who is upfront about getting things done to be controlling or bitchy.

Your sister doesn't come across to me as a bitch by your description tbh. She clearly gives you lifts and chats to you while in the car. Doesn't sound like someone who has ill will towards you.

One time she visited me with her work clothes on and she walked in and stared me down, keeping the stare as she walked towards me.

Visited you where? Is it possible that she was afraid/intimidated by the environment you were in, and rather than look around her, she fixated on you to avoid attracting other people's attention?

You've clearly been through some rough times. Have you ever spoken to any kind of counsellor?

CorkMan · 09-02-2011 05:04PM

My sister completely dispises anything I get though. It is just pure jealousy, anything she gets she shoves in my ****ing face.

I got some headphones for myself recently, when she went into my room after seeing them she threw them on the floor after I left. I left them in my Dads once and I asked her to bring them up. My Dad said for her to put them into their box but she didn't do it so the headphones where a bit dented. She said "soooory, I didn't mean to do that". I got a place for myself yet she didn't visit for the first 7 months because she is stuck in a house share. I have been out of work, but I still get the full dole. She got hit by the budget Dec 2010 and got me a "book safe" for christmas. She is complaining about her being broke after a week in work, paying for fuel for the car, groceries. Lord knows what she will be like after the USC.

I know it is all deliberate. She is a very stubborn, easily resentful person. I broke up with my girlfriend recently and she got a boyfriend around the same time. She is always saying "I love you John" when she texts a person when i'm around. She just wants to put me down.

daithimac · 12-02-2011 12:27PM

TBH you seem very self centred OP.

Do you really believe that your sister would find a boyfriend solely to annoy you. also if she dented your headphones perhaps you should be a big boy and get over it. your coming accross as a whiny and self obsessed.

I cannot imagine that every action your sister takes has you in mind and when you say that she is jealous of you I Imagine that the reverse is in fact the truth.

LegacyUser · 12-02-2011 02:51PM

Have you had some kind of traumatic experience in your past? I'm sure you were legitimately suspicious in the shelter but it seems that has kind of turned into general paranoia/suspiciousness about life. It seems like you don't trust easily. I am not sure if it is anger underneath as others have suggested or more you are always on edge/on guard because you fear what others might do - kind of like you are trying to protect yourself. How long have you been like this for - before living in the shelter too?

Also sounds like a lot of family dysfunction - the type of issues you and your sister are having seen more typical of teen siblings than adults. I'm guessing there are other underlying family issues.

I agree with seeking out professional counseling, figuring out what is going on underneath might help you change these things.

I have a habit of staring people down, I need to get rid of it

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