when a parent dies, why do we have selective memories

dollyk · 23-01-2011 12:48AM #1

My dad wasnt the best, but since he died i can only remember the good times.
I have 15 siblings and as you can imagine , we all have different memories.
now i find out that my dad was in letterfeck.
and that just changes my whole world.
and in fairness the older kids had it so much harder than me.
So what i want to know is,
Does everyone have these regrets/hard feelings.
Or does knowledge just excuse our memories. ?

letterfreck

NeedaNewName · 23-01-2011 12:53AM

It is inherent in us that we can never remember pain. We can remember being in pain but not the pain itself.

Same thing possibly.

15 kids?

Fair play.

Terry · 23-01-2011 12:53AM

Letterfeck?

My old man was awesome.
I remember the bad times, but they were few and far between.
Almost 9 years on and people still come up to me and tell me how much of a positive impact he had on their lives.

BraziliaNZ · 23-01-2011 12:53AM

dollyk wrote: »

now i find out that my dad was in letterfeck.

Sorry for your loss. What's the meaning of this though?

u140acro3xs7dm · 23-01-2011 12:54AM

Its just human nature to remember the best in people when they are gone, whether they die or break up of a relationship etc. I remember an ex for all the good things but deep down i know she was a wagon.

KittyeeTrix · 23-01-2011 12:55AM

OP is referring to Letterfrack, the industrial school in Connemara where terrible abuse was perpetrated upon young boys

EDIT........at least I think that is the meaning, apologies if I'm incorrect OP...

dollyk · 23-01-2011 12:56AM

Terry wrote: »

Letterfeck?

My old man was awesome.
I remember the bad times, but they were few and far between.
Almost 9 years on and people still come up to me and tell me how much of a positive impact he had on their lives.

yea it turns out he spent most of his young life there, was a state institution ran by the brothers that abused kids for years, He has tb as a child and was sent there , not sure of the real reason tbh. think he missed so much school, and he was sent there by his mam.

NeedaNewName · 23-01-2011 12:57AM

fluffyorganic1 wrote: »

OP is referring to Letterfrack, the industrial school in Connemara where terrible abuse was perpetrated upon young boys

ah, now the google works!

OutlawPete · 23-01-2011 12:57AM

I find that good people see the truth of who a person was and maybe forgive them their misgivings a little more now that they have passed.

What I find is that there are some people for their own reasons that will focus on negative aspects of a persons life and even exaggerate them, for their own selfish reasons, maybe to lessen the guilt they might feel for treating them poorly in their life etc.

I would say, see people as they were with a touch more understanding and ignore anyone that wants to the extreme of either seeing them as perfect, or indeed - seeing them as being bad person who was their mistakes, rather than someone who just made some.

FloatingVoter · 23-01-2011 12:57AM

My old man is dead since 2002 - we never spoke to each other much. I still miss him and wonder what he'd do if he was in a situation I've wondered into. Its a kind of haunting in a way. Spooky like a comfy blanket.

dan de man · 23-01-2011 12:58AM

im guessing he meant letterfrack

dollyk · 23-01-2011 12:59AM

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

Sorry for your loss. What's the meaning of this though?

hi, was always hating him as an adult, but now i feel that somehow it was not his fault that he was a b...ard. ?

carfiosaoorl · 23-01-2011 12:59AM

Im sorry for your loss OP. I think we always remember the good times more than the bad, kind of a defence mechanism. It must have been hard for you learning that your Dad was in Letterfrack, thats sad:(

El Horseboxo · 23-01-2011 01:00AM

I remember all kinds of memories of my parents. Not just the good ones. But what i would do to experience any of the bad ones once more. It's even worse when i remember my sister as we were always fighting as kids. I'm forgetting a lot of stuff about my family and i'm only in my 20's. I'll be grateful to hold on to whatever i can. Selective or otherwise.

BraziliaNZ · 23-01-2011 01:00AM

dollyk wrote: »

hi, was always hating him as an adult, but now i feel that somehow it was not his fault that he was a b...ard. ?

No I was just unaware of what Letterfeck or frack was

KittyeeTrix · 23-01-2011 01:01AM

OP, My mum also spent 21 years in an industrial school in Longford which had an effect on her child rearing abilities. Plenty problems when we were growing up which I won't go into.........
She is still alive and upon hearing that she had been reared in an industrial school I was able to understand more clearly the reasoning behind many of her decisions.

dollyk · 23-01-2011 01:02AM

carfiosaoorl wrote: »

Im sorry for your loss OP. I think we always remember the good times more than the bad, kind of a defence mechanism. It must have been hard for you learning that your Dad was in Letterfrack, thats sad:(

He was always so nasty, well thats how i remember him, but now i read stories and i wish we knew what he had to endure so we could have helped him in some way, it gives the feeling that he was failed over and over again.

jackiebaron · 23-01-2011 01:04AM

dollyk wrote: »

My dad wasnt the best, but since he died i can only remember the good times.
I have 15 siblings and as you can imagine , we all have different memories.
now i find out that my dad was in letterfeck.
and that just changes my whole world.
and in fairness the older kids had it so much harder than me.
So what i want to know is,
Does everyone have these regrets/hard feelings.
Or does knowledge just excuse our memories. ?

That's an awesome point, dolly.
My oul lad was a drinker, a brawler and a womaniser.
Most people in this day and age would have looked on him as an arrogant scoundrel. He never lay a finger on us but I witnessed him slapping my mother twice.
Strange....but I still thought he was great. He looked like Josef Stalin (moustache and all). He left and died young and I buried him.

Still laugh at his comments or how my mother would blush when she looked at him when he was in a great mood.
He wasn't an angel either....but, I dunno, are all fathers expected to be squeaky clean saints who can cry at a chickflick or never clatter their dumb son for smashing up the garage after going knacker drinking?

A father's primary job is to protect and provide for his brood. Everything else is an added bonus. That's just my view.

u140acro3xs7dm · 23-01-2011 01:04AM

you cant look back and regret. You cant change anything now. Just remember the good bits, been bitter will get ya no where. Im the same with my old man.

dollyk · 23-01-2011 01:05AM

fluffyorganic1 wrote: »

OP, My mum also spent 21 years in an industrial school in Longford which had an effect on her child rearing abilities. Plenty problems when we were growing up which I won't go into.........
She is still alive and upon hearing that she had been reared in an industrial school I was able to understand more clearly the reasoning behind many of her decisions.

Thanks, its unbelievable to me, that i had no idea, i just was reared to believe that he was a f..ker, im in my late 40s, and id like to think that i could have had a relationship with him, too little too late now i suppose . xx

Darlughda · 23-01-2011 01:07AM

The day before yesterday, I told my godmother that my dad had no time for me when he was alive, he thought I was a fool. She told me he had not had the time on this earth to realise the colour I brought to the family.:)

epgc3fyqirnbsx · 23-01-2011 01:08AM

Letterfrack was rough, my great grandfather and grandfather used to take kids out of there for the summer just to have them out on a farm away from the school and I always heard how they would come out either aggresively or quiet as mice. But by the end of the summer they were fulll of the joys of life. When they had to go back they would go into hyterics...
Unvle told me that thwy always wondered how bad it was but I'm guessing pretty bad from their reactions

You're a blank canvas as a kid and your childhood is one big learning excercise. If you Dad didn't get much warmth maybe he would have found it pretty hard to show warmth but I'm sure you can tell that he wasn't a bad fella really, just maybe found warmth a strange concept?

dollyk · 23-01-2011 01:16AM

Kyson Uninterested Variable wrote: »

Letterfrack was rough, my great grandfather and grandfather used to take kids out of there for the summer just to have them out on a farm away from the school and I always heard how they would come out either aggresively or quiet as mice. But by the end of the summer they were fulll of the joys of life. When they had to go back they would go into hyterics...
Unvle told me that thwy always wondered how bad it was but I'm guessing pretty bad from their reactions

You're a blank canvas as a kid and your childhood is one big learning excercise. If you Dad didn't get much warmth maybe he would have found it pretty hard to show warmth but I'm sure you can tell that he wasn't a bad fella really, just maybe found warmth a strange concept?

youve got it in one, he was always telling us as kids to cover up, and beware of people, seems affection to him was taboo, he hated to see people hugging. but as some of the posters on here say, we just have to get on with it.

dollyk · 23-01-2011 01:19AM

Darlughda wrote: »

The day before yesterday, I told my godmother that my dad had no time for me when he was alive, he thought I was a fool. She told me he had not had the time on this earth to realise the colour I brought to the family.:)

thank you soooo much, that made me smile xx

starviewadams · 23-01-2011 01:47AM

Always wondered what Letterfrack was,remember I always treathened with it whenever I did something particularly bad.

carfiosaoorl · 23-01-2011 01:54AM

starviewadams wrote: »

Always wondered what Letterfrack was,remember I always treathened with it whenever I did something particularly bad.

When I was small we were always threatened with being sent to "the blue school" whatever that was

Trog · 23-01-2011 02:49AM

My mother was the perfect mother, but I only have one memory of her- from her deathbed. I can't make myself remember anything else, no matter how hard I try.

when a parent dies, why do we have selective memories

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