Boyfriend didn't buy me a birthday present. Am I right to be so upset?

LegacyUser · 09-12-2010 02:25AM

HannahBecker, you asked if you were right to be so upset and asked for people's opinions.

Were you only looking for sympathy? For 'oh, you are so right, what a horrible man, you are so wonderful to put up with him'? It's nice to have the girls give you a shoulder to cry on, but if you're looking for a different perspective to your own you need to be open to it.

My point is that in the scale of things, in the scale of the lifetime of a relationship even, this is a small matter. It's okay to be disappointed, but it's not okay to be upset. And it's not okay to be upset with him either.

He's not a horrible man. By your own description of him you are very lucky to have him. He wasn't trying to do something dreadful. He's just different to you. Accept him, just as he is.

niceoneted · 09-12-2010 02:27AM

High maintenance is starting to come to mind.

HannahBecker · 09-12-2010 02:33AM

yeah, wanting a birthday present from your boyfriend, I mean, what's next?

HannahBecker · 09-12-2010 02:36AM

ah jeez,

thanks for everyone who posted initially!!

Good luck to the rest.

ppink · 09-12-2010 08:47AM

hmmm if I was you I would be upset, not from the angle of no present but from the angle of no communication. I mean he has a tongue in his head does he not? If there is a case of
a) worry about his job
b) worry about the budget
c) skint
d)planning a surprise
e) anything else
then if he cannot open his gob and say that to you PRIOR to your birthday then you have a problem....and it is not a small problem either
anyone who says oh men sometimes can say how they feel etc my answer to that is they better learn if they want a relationship in todays world.

then to top it all off he goes to bed!!

Jaysoose · 09-12-2010 10:08AM

No communication
Mysterious motives for not doing something
Storms off (not to the pub?)
Left wondering what the hell you did.

Are you sure you boyfriend isnt secretly a Woman cos this sounds very similar to arguments i have had with mrs Jaysoose.

Only messing he sounds like a plonker, how hard is it to go get some perfume/flowers.

Kimia · 09-12-2010 10:40AM

Sybill and NIceoneted, it's very obvious, especially in Sybill's case, that you are merely venting your own frustrations over your own lives. I mean - telling someone that they have no right to be upset is utter nonsense, and then coupling that with a list of examples for when they are 'allowed' be upset is insensitive to the highest degree. That's not giving advice, that's taking your shít out on someone else. Why else would you be so mean as to undermine someone's feelings like that?

Hannah I see where you're coming from and I can only imagine how lonely and sad you must have felt last night. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be made a fuss of on your birthday - sure why would you bother being with someone if they consider being nice to you a hardship?

And I believe from your posts that it's not the 'present' part that's annoyed you - I'm sure you'd be happy with a 5 euro teddy bear with I love you written on it. It's the thought that counts, and there was no thought put into you or your relationship yesterday and that's what stings.

I would talk to him and explain exactly how you feel. Most people have a list of things that they can and can't live with. I couldn't live with someone if they were irritated by me expecting to be treated a little special on my birthday.

seamus · 09-12-2010 10:44AM

Look, many guys are just dumb about this stuff. This is especially true for those of us who grew without sisters or any female peers.

Men generally don't buy presents for our friends, for birthdays, christmas or whatever. Not until we get into our late 20s and beyond. Men in their teens and early 20's are inherently selfish and very image-conscious. Buying a good mate a present for their birthday is "gay". Unless it's an important birthday like a 21st.

So men generally don't get upset when they don't receive birthday presents because they don't really expect them (after all, they wouldn't buy anyone else a gift either). It's nice to be remembered with a text or whatever sure, but a pint down the pub from a mate is more than adequate.

So when the fairer sex enters our life, we have a tendency to transfer our opinions onto them and assume that because we're not that bothered about gifts, then she isn't either - and a drink down the pub should be good enough.
Which is a royally large mistake that most men make more then once in their life.
Ladies, this is the main reason why the situation appears - it's not that he doesn't care about you, it's that he attaches an extremely low value onto presents in general, and considers them nothing more than tokens.

You need to spell it out for him that a present on your birthday is a sign that he loves you and if you don't get one, it makes you feel like he doesn't care and you're extremely upset. He doesn't understand this because he honestly couldn't care less about whether or not he gets a present for his birthday.

09-12-2010 11:40AM

ah c'mon, men cant use that excuse "men are dumb, we dont think" - thats alright if you are single. But this man is in a relationship and a relationship is about give and take. The OP was not being materialistic, as a previous poster said, a 5 euro teddy would have been appreciated, its the thought that counts, the effort involved in physically walking into a shop and picking a little gift for the person you love on their special day.

Its not about money, nobody has money any more, its about respecting the love you have with someone you are in a relationship with by giving them a small heartfelt token on their birthday, and to leave a girl sitting upset and lonely on the night of her birthday is a horrible thing to do, her partner should be ashamed of himself.

I hope you have a better day today Hannah, belated happy birthday to you.

The Sweeper · 09-12-2010 12:18PM

Sybill wrote: »

No, you're not right to be upset!

There are far more important things in life than people buying you gifts. As you live more of your life, you'll meet many difficult things. Things like losing your job, being seriously ill, miscarriages, losing your parents, losing the man you love, losing your children, being on your own with nothing and trying to start again.

This man loves you and he treats you well. Have you any idea how precious that is?

You're a gift-giver. He's not. You say you're always making him feel special, buying him gifts, making him lunches and dinners. If I was him I wouldn't feel grateful or special, I'd feel pressured.

You'd love your man to spoil you sometimes. But that's not the kind of man you have. If he was a gift-giver, maybe he'd lack something else.

Stop making him feel guilty for being who he is. Appreciate him while you have him.

(And by the way, he didn't make you cry on your birthday. You decided to cry because you thought he wasn't good enough. Poor man.)

Here's an idea - if you're flat, stony broke and can't afford a present, you take your missus to one side before her birthday and you say 'honey, I'm flat, stony broke and can't afford a big present. Is there something nice that I could do for you instead?'

You don't hang on until her birthday and hope she doesn't notice you're not giving her a present, and then sulk when you tell her you're not and she thinks, quite rightly, that you're an inconsiderate prick.

Consideration is the greatest gift of all - and the OP's partner doesn't have any. Tell you what - an inconsiderate man is the very, very LAST person you want as your side as you go through losing your job, being seriously ill, miscarriages, losing your parents, losing the man you love, losing your children, being on your own with nothing and trying to start again, so on and so forth.

Wompa1 · 09-12-2010 01:30PM

My girlfriend just gave me my birthday present...my birthday was 9 months ago...no big deal. Money is tight for her, while it's not for me. I don't expect much or want much. Would him paying for dinner not have been enough?

Emme · 09-12-2010 02:00PM

HannahBecker wrote: »

We are struggling a bit for money at the money but we could afford to go to dinner tonight for example and we are meeting friends on Friday. I just don't understand why he wouldn't even have bought me a CD or something. I was so looking forward to tonight and now I'm sat here on my own.

Your bf didn't forget your birthday, he gave you a card and you would have gone for dinner only you had the row. Maybe he's more broke than he's admitting or helping friends or family financially unknown to you. Men are very proud about this sort of thing and aren't always quick to admit to financial difficulties.

It's up to you - if getting presents is a big part of a relationship for you then you need to rethink your situation, but if you're willing to work with him through a difficult time financially maybe you should both forget about birthday and Christmas presents this year and make promises to do things for each other instead. For example, you could write up a voucher to cook him his favourite dinner some night, and he could do a voucher to give you a massage.

Sit down with him and have an honest talk about your finances, be open about what you can and can't afford and work through this together. Relationships aren't just about material things.

magneticimpulse · 09-12-2010 02:01PM

OP you seem to know what he did was wrong...you want people on here to agree with you.

So are you planning on staying with him?

If I was you I would dump him. I had an ex like that, didnt buy me a birthday present, when i used to fork out an arm and a leg when it was his birthday on presents, take him out to dinner and book us into 5 star hotels!!! All I got was a card on my birthday.

When Christmas came i got some football top from a team i never even heard off (and i dont even follow sport)...it got worse and worse. I got no birthday present but come Christmas he bought himself a Cannon SLR Digital Camera, an iphone, an ipod, a mercedes car and 2 motorbikes!!!!! And I got a CARD!!!

Best thing is onwards and upwards. Dump the sorry loser. Anyone selfish enough to not bother their arse getting a gift for their partner is definitely not worth keeping. No excuse!! Hell he could have bought you a box of chocolates and its near christmas so its no like he is stuck for gift idea's!!!

Oh please just read some other peoples replies..."stone broke"...come on, BOOTS do 3 for 2 offers. Or at least a big box of Milk Tray, anything is better then nothing at all. He has no excuse. If he is that broke, i wont be expecting a barn brak ring for engagement, let alone an engagement ring for 100 quid!! There is absolutely no excuse for someone not to make an effort. Im on the dole and still bought all my friends gifts for Xmas...sure they arent great but i made the effort. He could have made something if he was that broke!! Like a birthday cake....nobody should be allowing for these excuses because he has none!!!

Distorted · 09-12-2010 03:18PM

Shape of things to come OP. Any man with any sense knows to buy his girlfriend a present for their birthday. True, he might have been regarding the dinner as your present, but he didn't make the effort to say so. And taking someone out to dinner, unless its a very special one, is a bit of a lazy way to give them a birthday present. A bit like going to bed at 8pm when your girlfriend is upset on her birthday really, rather than dealing with it by comforting her. At least choosing, buying and wrapping a small present, no matter how cheap, shows effort and thought. It just gives the impression in life that he can't be bothered.

I don't really buy into this old-fashioned "you should be grateful to have a man in your life who treats you well" stuff. Stuff that, I'd rather be single than so humble. He should be grateful in his life to have a girlfriend, and showing it once a year to buy you a birthday present isn't beyond him.

There is a secretary at my work who never gets a birthday present from her husband. Last year it was her fiftieth, and she was really upset about it, and we all clubbed together and bought her a present and took her out for lunch. But you could tell it didn't quite make up for it.

krudler · 09-12-2010 03:49PM

if moneys tight it doesnt take much to get something the person will appreciate, take the day together, go somewhere she likes, take her to dinner, anything that shows you appreciate her. not buying anything then getting in a huff because shes upset isnt very mature. men love to play the "sure what would I know about presents" angle but in fairness, any bit of creativity can make up for not having money.

whatdoicare · 09-12-2010 05:04PM

Look, alot of people here gave opinions and they varied wildly, so I'm not going to repeat what you already know yourself..

But what I will give you is the advice that my mam gave me and her mam gave her and it's worked very well for all of us, so it must work:

"Everyone has the penny doll on the bottom shelf of a toy store, they treat it like rubbish, cut it's hair, colour it in with marker etc etc and eventually it becomes rubbish but everyone wants the expensive China doll on the top shelf and if they are lucky enough to get one, it goes in a safe press and is treated with respect - which one do you want to be?"

By this she means, you let your man treat you like rubbish and he'll consider you as such and keep treating you as such for as long as you put up with it - If you want to be treated with respect and like the expensive doll then don't let your man treat you any other way. It doesn't matter if the way he acted was right or wrong, it's how it made you feel - and it obviously made you feel like poo as you're sitting crying and he's snoring away happy out.

If he doesn't make you feel special on your special days then it's seriously time to reconsider this relationship - what's he gonna treat you like in ten years, twenty??

I'm with my now husband nearly ten years - he has never made me feel anything less than a princess in all that time!

lazygal · 09-12-2010 05:11PM

whatdoicare wrote: »

Look, alot of people here gave opinions and they varied wildly, so I'm not going to repeat what you already know yourself..

But what I will give you is the advice that my mam gave me and her mam gave her and it's worked very well for all of us, so it must work:

"Everyone has the penny doll on the bottom shelf of a toy store, they treat it like rubbish, cut it's hair, colour it in with marker etc etc and eventually it becomes rubbish but everyone wants the expensive China doll on the top shelf and if they are lucky enough to get one, it goes in a safe press and is treated with respect - which one do you want to be?"

By this she means, you let your man treat you like rubbish and he'll consider you as such and keep treating you as such for as long as you put up with it - If you want to be treated with respect and like the expensive doll then don't let your man treat you any other way. It doesn't matter if the way he acted was right or wrong, it's how it made you feel - and it obviously made you feel like poo as you're sitting crying and he's snoring away happy out.

If he doesn't make you feel special on your special days then it's seriously time to reconsider this relationship - what's he gonna treat you like in ten years, twenty??

I'm with my now husband nearly ten years - he has never made me feel anything less than a princess in all that time!

+1. My fiance can be clueless about cleaning or taking out the rubbish BUT I get flowers every week, choccies for a suprise and he's always bought me thoughtful gifts for Christmas and my birthday. I don't ASK or DEMAND he does this, he considers romance part of being in a relationship.

OP I put up with less than satisfactory men but I always cut them some slack. Then I met Mr Lazygal and realised THIS is how I should be treated.

iguana · 09-12-2010 08:51PM

I agree you have a right to be upset but don't want to repeat much of what has already been said on the thread. But I was wondering if there was any chance your boyfriend had ordered you something online that didn't arrive due to the weather? And perhaps he was feeling upset and pissed off about it and by not wanting to upset you worked himself up and ended up upsetting you all the more?

sollar · 09-12-2010 09:01PM

Yes i think you are right to be upset that was pretty bad form by him.

Kelda09 · 10-12-2010 01:30AM

HannahBecker wrote: »

Our relationship is good, believe me. And I know how much money we both have. This is why I am upset. It's not about money or him wanting out. It's just his complete inability to be somewhat considerate towards me. Just other things like, I make a packed lunch for him every day, even though we both work, I usually make dinner. I often just see something I know he'll like and buy it for him, because I know it will make him happy. But I get none of that in return. Not even on my birthday.[/QUOTE}

You say that you buy him things just because you know it will make him happy etc, thats the type of person you are, he obviously is not, and the fact that you follow up the statement about buying him little things with 'I get none of that in return' sounds like you just do it so that he'll do the same for you. Thats not a reason to do anything,
He got you a card and ye were going to go to dinner this evening, is that not celebrating your birthday??? Granted I could maybe see your point if there was no acknowledgement whatsoever of your birthday, but there was. Maybe ye just have different ideas about birthdays. With me I really dont even notice birthdays, I generally dont even think of my own till someone mentions it. They were never a big deal so tbh, I would be thinking that dinner and a card would be fine, however if the other person is of a different opinion, then yes it could be akward, but could you not look at it as two people doing things a different way?? It's not like he ignored it completely!

You say he got you things last year (I think!) That was your 1st birthday with him so obv he was going to go to a bit more effort for that one You should talk to him and if it is a case of just different opinions on how to celebrate, then next year spell it out lound and clear for him, but tbh, you getting this upset over it has only ruined it for yourself, why not call one of the girls and head over for a dvd and bottle of wine and celebrate it that way??

nimrodsson · 10-12-2010 03:08AM

whatdoicare wrote: »

Look, alot of people here gave opinions and they varied wildly, so I'm not going to repeat what you already know yourself..

But what I will give you is the advice that my mam gave me and her mam gave her and it's worked very well for all of us, so it must work:

"Everyone has the penny doll on the bottom shelf of a toy store, they treat it like rubbish, cut it's hair, colour it in with marker etc etc and eventually it becomes rubbish but everyone wants the expensive China doll on the top shelf and if they are lucky enough to get one, it goes in a safe press and is treated with respect - which one do you want to be?"

By this she means, you let your man treat you like rubbish and he'll consider you as such and keep treating you as such for as long as you put up with it - If you want to be treated with respect and like the expensive doll then don't let your man treat you any other way. It doesn't matter if the way he acted was right or wrong, it's how it made you feel - and it obviously made you feel like poo as you're sitting crying and he's snoring away happy out.

If he doesn't make you feel special on your special days then it's seriously time to reconsider this relationship - what's he gonna treat you like in ten years, twenty??

I'm with my now husband nearly ten years - he has never made me feel anything less than a princess in all that time!

I agree its how it made her feel - thats central. I disagree that he was 'happy out' snoring his head off, as he quite obviously wasn't happy out going to bed as per the OP's post. Thats just deliberately twisting the facts to make a guy, who remembered his GF's birthday, got her a card, and organised a night out, look like someone who doesn't give a crap about her.

As i say, i think the key is he should be able to pick up on how she is feeling - and if the OP is the type that wants token presents - then he should probably know that by now. On the other hand, i am slightly bemused that a card and going out dinner doesn't fall into the category of marking the day!

As an aside, i can't fathom or stand this 'princess' culture and those that demand to be treated like one. A horrendous concept - i would wish to be treated like an equal, not put up on some archaic pedestal. Furthermore, it infers this lavishness should be all one way... certainly wouldn't be the basis for any relationship i'd care to enter (which i don't care to, thankfully!)

sporina · 10-12-2010 10:13AM

there have been some good replies here and some not.

What is it about all this speculation? He could have ordered a pressie on line which did not arrive etc??? What, maybe he is a dickhead? Seems more fitting excuse my language. He said "i did not get you a present"!!!

TBH it sounds like he has a lot on his mind - the whole storming off to bed. But at the end of the day, if OP is not happy in the relationship I think she should move on.

Romance and communication are vital to a relationship - OP getting neither.

Its the 21st century - its no longer "corny" for men to show and express feelings. I appreciate if greatly - even little things - like when my boyfriend buys a bottle of the shampoo i use for his bathroom for when i stay over - sooooo sweet.

You deserve better op.

Malari · 10-12-2010 11:14AM

sporina wrote: »

there have been some good replies here and some not.

What is it about all this speculation? He could have ordered a pressie on line which did not arrive etc??? What, maybe he is a dickhead? Seems more fitting excuse my language. He said "i did not get you a present"!!!

TBH it sounds like he has a lot on his mind - the whole storming off to bed. But at the end of the day, if OP is not happy in the relationship I think she should move on.

Romance and communication are vital to a relationship - OP getting neither.

Its the 21st century - its no longer "corny" for men to show and express feelings. I appreciate if greatly - even little things - like when my boyfriend buys a bottle of the shampoo i use for his bathroom for when i stay over - sooooo sweet.

You deserve better op.

I agree with this line. The crux of the issue here I think is the lack of communication, not the lack of a gift. It seems to me that if the OP's boyfriend had told her earlier on he was not getting her a gift because money was so tight, but that he was really looking forward to dinner and maybe wrote her a nice message in the card (if he couldn't bring himself to say it to her face) things would not be so bad.

OP maybe you should take this away from the whole gift thing when you discuss it with him. Just talk in general about the fact that he needs to tell you things and not bottle up then storm off in a huff when something unexpected comes out and you feel hurt.

I know in my relationship the hardest thing is having this aftermath conversation without being accused of "dragging it all up again" and I'm mostly expected to just forget it and move on. I just feel it's important to talk about it in general terms so this doesn't happen again. Like on the 25th of this month, for example!

Fluorescence · 10-12-2010 01:21PM

I think it's bad form tbh, and this is coming from someone who doesn't give a flying fig about gifts. If my bf had given me a meek excuse on the day like that I'd be pretty disappointed too, but perhaps not as upset as you are. However his storming off and acting like a sullen child would have me pretty miffed. If he'd told you beforehand that dinner was your gift, or money was tight or whatever that'd be fine in my book. However not even coughing up a token gift like a €5 teddy on the day, like another poster said, when he knows you're a gifty sort of person is a little embarrassing at least.

I know you said he doesn't do romantic gestures, and you know what? That's ok. But what's not ok is him not making any appreciable effort on the day that matters. You'd do well to sit down with him sometime and let him know that getting you a small bunch of flowers or that choccie bar you love every now and then makes you feel appreciated. Spell it out in simple terms and he'll probably be happy to comply. Since you seem to focus a lot on "gifts" - picking up things for him you know he'll like and grand gestures on birthdays and christmas - maybe you are overlooking other things he does for you. What's happening here might be a simple lack of communication: you're both not on the same wavelength as to what a show of affection comprises of. A calm chat might sort all that out

And since Christmas is round the corner he'll have an excellent learning opportunity

LegacyUser · 10-12-2010 06:16PM

You really sound like a spoilt brat OP. He got you a card and was all set to take you out for a meal and you throw a little hissy fit???? C'mon grow up. You have a massive sense of entitlement going on there. Your boyfriend made an effort, your problem is you're demanding even more. Do you know how many women would kill for even a card on thier birthday? You really dont know how good you have it.

LegacyUser · 10-12-2010 10:25PM

It might be just "him" and how he thinks? I have been with my OH 6+ years. He is very generous with money- I get random lovely surprises and gifts and then he forgets my birthday! I have never got a valentines day present from him but I got a card.. once. Maybe he thought a card and dinner was fine but when you were upset he felt guilty and lashed out.... I personally don't care about birthdays etc so dinner would be great for me

matt-dublin · 10-12-2010 11:33PM

What if he was going to propose and chickened out last minute without any time toake a backup plan/present?

Drodan · 11-12-2010 02:36AM

Why are birthdays so built up to this massive thing?

My girlfriend didn't get me a present for my last birthday (ye don't see me moaning about it btw) and I didn't expect her to nor did I want her to feel like she had to, it's just another day. I know she loves me, I love her, what else matters?

You know what I did? I went training, bit of banter with the lads (who only found out because my mate rang me telling me I "had to go out and get plastered" purely because it was my birthday) and went home and treated it like any other day.

Forget the money excuse etc, maybe he just sees birthdays, and valentines day etc etc like myself and thousands of other people do the same way. Don't value what you have on the material things you give exchange because you feel you have to. People express their love in different ways. You give presents and such, maybe he does something differently, doesn't mean it's wrong.

seenitall · 11-12-2010 03:44AM

username10122010 wrote: »

You really sound like a spoilt brat OP. He got you a card and was all set to take you out for a meal and you throw a little hissy fit???? C'mon grow up. You have a massive sense of entitlement going on there. Your boyfriend made an effort, your problem is you're demanding even more. Do you know how many women would kill for even a card on thier birthday? You really dont know how good you have it.

How thoroughly offensive. Whoever is made to feel like they would kill for A BIRTHDAY CARD from their supposed nearest and dearest, is very obviously in a relationship where they are less appreciated than a neighbour's dog.

"Massive sense of entitlement"? Over a token BIRTHDAY PRESENT from one's life partner?? Really, as the OP rightly said, whatever next?

Some people really don't know how good they have it if that is the kind of attitude their OH's willingly put up with, username 101...

OP, I am with you on this. I don't think you are being a princess or have any extraordinary sense of entitlement, going by what you have written so far. Your boyfriend's attitutude stinks, and it does seem to me that the birthday present situation is more of a symptom of a problem of either communication or attention or both, rather than the problem itself.

Try to talk with him, as others suggested. I hope he does care and listen to what you have to say, and takes it on board.

Best wishes.

Kimia · 11-12-2010 11:10AM

username10122010 wrote: »

You really sound like a spoilt brat OP. He got you a card and was all set to take you out for a meal and you throw a little hissy fit???? C'mon grow up. You have a massive sense of entitlement going on there. Your boyfriend made an effort, your problem is you're demanding even more. Do you know how many women would kill for even a card on thier birthday? You really dont know how good you have it.

Absolutely pathetic. If there are such women in the world then I think that's very sad that they have such humble attitudes towards relationships and men - perhaps they should examine the dumbfounding concept that women should be pathetically grateful for any scrap of affection from men as your post suggests. The mind boggles. :rolleyes:

Boyfriend didn't buy me a birthday present. Am I right to be so upset?

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