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Boyfriend didn't buy me a birthday present. Am I right to be so upset?

  • 08-12-2010 10:09PM
    #1
    HannahBecker
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20 ✭


    hi,

    Feeling a bit sad right now. Today is my birthday and my boyfriend and I had planned to go out to dinner. This morning we walked to the train station together and as we said goodbye he handed me a card. I opened it and saw that it was just a card, nice and everthing, but no gift inside such as a voucher or whatever. I assumed he would give me a present later. Tonight he came home from work and we were getting ready to go out to the restaurant and just before we left, he mentioned "oh by the way, I didn't get you a present". I was a little shocked at first. We have been together for two years and he bought me a present last year. Plus for his birthday I bought him a guitar one year and a flight to Norway the next. I got a bit upset as I was so disappointed. He apologized and said he "knew" he should have bought me something. I asked why he didn't and he just said he didn't know. So I ended up crying and he ended up storming into bed saying "well, if we're not going out and you won't talk to me then I may as well go to bed". He is now in bed and I am in the kitchen on the laptop alone. Am I right to feel so upset about this? We are struggling a bit for money at the money but we could afford to go to dinner tonight for example and we are meeting friends on Friday. I just don't understand why he wouldn't even have bought me a CD or something. I was so looking forward to tonight and now I'm sat here on my own.


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Comments

  • #2
    poisonated
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,277 ✭✭✭poisonated


    Yeah I think you are right. Is it possible that he had a surprise planned? I don't know how likely that is though.


  • #3
    Zeouterlimits
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 988 ✭✭✭Zeouterlimits


    Of course you are right to be upset.
    He says "He doesn't know"? That's ridiculous.
    If money is so tight he should have told you in advance "Listen babe, I really can't afford to get you something for your birthday, but I really will make it up to you, I'm so sorry".
    To on the night of flippantly say it is ... weird.

    The him storming off to bed bit is a also weird, he must be feeling ashamed/embarrassed at least, to behave like that.


  • #4
    HannahBecker
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20 ✭HannahBecker


    Surprise? God no. He is the most unromantic person in the world. Thing is, I often say to him that he doesn't make me feel special and he always apologizes and says - sorry chicken. Then does nothing. No, he got me nothing and now he's in bed.


  • #5
    The_Morrigan
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,368 ✭✭✭The_Morrigan


    My ex did that to me - not even a card for my birthday, he said he'd take me out for dinner...bill came and he "forgot his wallet".
    Christmas came - nothing, Valentines - nothing...

    I got upset each and every time and he would get in a huff and storm off, strangely I always thought it was the upset person who had that right!!


  • #6
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hey there,

    I'm so so sorry this is how you're spending your birthday night... Do nice things for yourself, maybe have a nice bath and try to calm down a bit , there's no use being stressed on your birthday, it's your day today.

    just to give a similar story... I have been with my OH a bit longer than you. For the past couple of years I have not been given a present for christmas nor for my birthday, they're really close and he pays the rent so I kinda give him a break. If he got you a present last year though, I don't understand why he didn't get you one this year.

    Maybe he was waiting on you to tell him what you wanted?


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  • #7
    HannahBecker
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20 ✭HannahBecker


    We live together and have known each other for years before that. He knows me, and this is what bothers me. He knows a) what I would like as a present and b) that not buying me something would upset me. He always says that he feels "stupid" doing romantic things. I keep trying to tell him that romance should not be about him, it should be about the other person and how they would feel.


  • #8
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 3,505 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    He made an effort to get you a card and he was going to go to dinner with you. Particularly if he was going to pay for dinner, is that not a present?

    I understand you being disappointed, but I don't think a lack of gifts is something you should let yourself get upset about.

    (sorry if that's harsh, I'd probably be a bit miffed myself, but just not that upset)


  • #9
    HannahBecker
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20 ✭HannahBecker


    How is buying your girlfriend a birthday card and "going" to dinner with her "making an effort"?


  • #10
    sporina
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,130 ✭✭✭sporina


    i could be very wrong here but perhaps he has less money than you know or perhaps he would just like to have more money and treat you nice..

    guys can be very proud..

    do you think this could be possible?

    he is being very insensitive.. it is your birthday - and for him to storm off on you is not right - thats what makes me think that he must be upset himself..

    either that or he is looking for a way out of the relationship? but i doubt that..?


  • #11
    HannahBecker
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20 ✭HannahBecker


    Our relationship is good, believe me. And I know how much money we both have. This is why I am upset. It's not about money or him wanting out. It's just his complete inability to be somewhat considerate towards me. Just other things like, I make a packed lunch for him every day, even though we both work, I usually make dinner. I often just see something I know he'll like and buy it for him, because I know it will make him happy. But I get none of that in return. Not even on my birthday.


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  • #12
    sporina
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,130 ✭✭✭sporina


    ok - is he generally inconsiderate? does he ever tell you or show you how he feels about you? at this stage i have to ask you are you happy in the relationship?


  • #13
    HannahBecker
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20 ✭HannahBecker


    He shows me sometimes. In what I've some to think of his own way. I am happy except when it comes to things like this. I love him, otherwise he treats me well and he is the smartest and funniest person I have ever met. Things like this make me feel very unloved and very unspecial, which is kind of the opposite of what I would want from a relationship.


  • #14
    G86
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,660 ✭✭✭G86


    Yes you're right to be upset. He's being a prick.

    Now what you have to figure out is WHY he's behaving like this, and the only way to do that is to talk to him. Explain that it's not the actual present that matters to you, it's the thought behind getting one. It's not asking for much to expect your boyfriend to get you something, no matter how small, on your birthday. You're not the one in the wrong here.


  • #15
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    HannahBecker wrote: »
    He shows me sometimes. In what I've some to think of his own way. I am happy except when it comes to things like this. I love him, otherwise he treats me well and he is the smartest and funniest person I have ever met. Things like this make me feel very unloved and very unspecial, which is kind of the opposite of what I would want from a relationship.

    This was very inconsiderate and down right nasty of your boyfriend. I was with a man like this wasted three years on him. He never took me out or made me feel me special. If you accept this then he will take it for granted this treatment is ok, It's not. You deserve better any fella who thinks he can ignore his girl and not even buy her a present deserves what he gets.
    I'm with a man now who treats me very well even sent me flowers at work the other day because my friend was ill and I needed cheering up, hold out and find someone more considerate.


  • #16
    sporina
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,130 ✭✭✭sporina


    you need to talk to him - tell him how you feel... maybe not now - not if you are both emotional.. but do tell him.. but in a rational way - not confrontational..

    at the end of the day he has ruined your bday - he will need to make up for that.

    if he cannot understand why you are upset then he has a prob - as has been completely insensitive to you


  • #17
    tenchi-fan
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,339 ✭✭✭tenchi-fan


    If he paid for dinner & he's struggling with money, consider the meal your present. If you paid your own way for dinner then, yes, you have a right to be upset.


  • #18
    Novella
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 13,713 ✭✭✭✭Novella


    I don't think I'd be so annoyed about this tbh. You say you're both having financial issues. Is this the reason he didn't buy you a present? It's not like he forgot your birthday - he did remember, he bought you a card, you were gonna go out for dinner together. I'd be happy with that.

    Presents are nice and it's good to get them, but I mean, if he's struggling with money, perhaps he couldn't afford to buy anything. You say he treats you well and imo, that's what counts, much more than a birthday present.

    I'm not saying I don't see where you're coming from, I do. Being a little miffed is okay. The way you both reacted to the situation is probably what's making it seem so bad. You getting upset, and mainly him storming off to bed - that's what'd bother me.


  • #19
    HannahBecker
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20 ✭HannahBecker


    We didn't end up going for dinner. We weren't even going anywhere fancy but my favourite food is mexican and I have been dreaming about a margerita and nachos all day! But he went to bed just after 8pm and now I'm here in the kitchen freezing and hungry. But it's not about money. You don't need money to make someone feel special. We have money, we both work. I didn't expect or want diamonds, I just hoped he would do something to make me feel loved and special today. Especially as I do it for him all the time. I'm not that upset now to be honest, I've calmed down. I'm just really, really, really disappointed. I always make him feel special, not just on his birthday. And we have no food in the house and no shops open nearby, so I'm drinking a tea while he sleeps like a baby next door.


  • #20
    Novella
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 13,713 ✭✭✭✭Novella


    If I were you, I wouldn't sit in the kitchen on your own. You're feeling bad and talking helps. Talking to us, sure but imo it'd be better if you went in and talked to him and just explained why you got upset. Usually when you open up to someone in a calm way, they'll do the same back so maybe he'll tell you why he really didn't buy you anything - he genuinely didn't know what you'd want, he had a bill to pay, perhaps you said "No, no, don't get me anything!" off the cuff and he thought you meant it. There are probably a million and one possible reasons and none of us know them!

    You two just need to have a chat, no shouting, no storming off. Don't accuse him, don't be confrontational, just say what's on your mind, get it off your chest, hear his side and maybe have a cuddle and you'll feel better. The longer you let these things go, the bigger they seem.


  • #21
    dearg lady
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,091 ✭✭✭dearg lady


    I don't think you're being unreasonable, it's perfectly acceptable to expect a token of some kind. All I can say is wait til you're both feelin less emotional to talk about it. Just explain you were hurt. It seems like there's a bigger issue than just the birthday with him not makin you feel special.
    I'm really sorry you're having to deal with this on your birthday :(


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  • #22
    Greystoner
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 305 ✭✭Greystoner


    Order yourself a pizza girl! And then make sure the smell wafts through to him, he's probably hungry.You could even stick it under his nose if he's asleep! Hopefully he can come and get some, and give you a sheepish apology.

    My Nan gave me some advice years ago (shes gone now, but her advice was always spot on) "Never go to bed on an argument!". You are going to spend the night feeling bad and in the bigger scale of things, it is not the end of the world. Maybe money is tight, or maybe he's insensitve, or maybe he's just rubbish at buying presents. I should imagine he's feeling a bit embarrased at the moment, and hopefully he will apologise. You are not in the wrong, but I just feel that somethings in life are more important; you have someone in your life, so make the most.

    I think maybe Christmas would be a good time for an extra special present hey?!!!

    Chin up. All the best!


  • #23
    HannahBecker
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20 ✭HannahBecker


    Thanks everyone. I do feel marginally better after venting on here. I like the pizza idea as well. If he didn't have to work in the morning I'd go into the bedroom with the pizza and I'd sit on top of him while I ate it. I'd also rent Sex and the City....the movie....part 2 and put it on really loud on the tv we have next to our bed. Not that I would want to watch that movie, or that I have even seen it. Just because I'm sure that listening to that movie for him would be like nails on a chalkboard for me.

    Alas, I have kind of lost my appetite and not sure I'd sleep if I ate a pizza. And so I'll blow out my lonely birthday candle and totter off to bed. Another year older.


  • #24
    Walls
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,258 ✭✭✭Walls


    It doesn't matter if you should or shouldn't be upset, that is beside the point. You are upset. You're upset and you cried and he knew you would be.

    And he didn't care enough to either get you a present, or to at least talk to you when you were upset and he knew it. Instead he took his football and went home, leaving you to cry alone in the kitchen.

    I really feel for you living with the guy as you can't just close the door on him. Really, though, he does sound like rather hard work, and I would suggest if this is the best he can do on a consistent basis you're probably better off without him. He has all these wonderful qualities that you really like, but can still make you cry on your birthday, so maybe the two sides of him don't really match up. I would suggest leaving it.


  • #25
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    No, you're not right to be upset!

    There are far more important things in life than people buying you gifts. As you live more of your life, you'll meet many difficult things. Things like losing your job, being seriously ill, miscarriages, losing your parents, losing the man you love, losing your children, being on your own with nothing and trying to start again.

    This man loves you and he treats you well. Have you any idea how precious that is?

    You're a gift-giver. He's not. You say you're always making him feel special, buying him gifts, making him lunches and dinners. If I was him I wouldn't feel grateful or special, I'd feel pressured.

    You'd love your man to spoil you sometimes. But that's not the kind of man you have. If he was a gift-giver, maybe he'd lack something else.

    Stop making him feel guilty for being who he is. Appreciate him while you have him.

    (And by the way, he didn't make you cry on your birthday. You decided to cry because you thought he wasn't good enough. Poor man.)


  • #26
    HannahBecker
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20 ✭HannahBecker


    Ha!

    Ok "Sybill"

    Glad I'm not going out with you.

    I appreciate that you might be older than me from some of the things that you reference that one should only "truly" be upset over. But you know nothing about me apart from the few posts I have put here tonight.

    Part of life is learning. Maybe you are at the stage where you have experienced all the things that the people on here are expressing their feelings about. In that case, don't belittle or dismiss how I or anyone else is feeling. No I haven't lost a child, does that mean that nothing should upset me?

    And I have lost a parent, my mother dies 7 years ago, does that now allow me to be upset about other things?

    And me making my boyfriend feel special is "pressurising him"

    Whoa!

    Coupled with your other pearl of wisdom

    " and by the way he didn't make you cry on your birthday. You decided to cry because you thought he wasn't good enough. Poor man"

    <snip>


  • #27
    Ickle Magoo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    HannahBecker, you may not like what you hear or agree with it but by posting on a public forum asking for advice you should expect to get a variety of responses.

    As per the forum rules, insulting or abusing other posters will not be tolerated on this forum and if you cannot take advice in the spirit it is given then the thread will be locked.


  • #28
    Sauve
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 22,646 ✭✭✭✭Sauve


    Hannah,
    Although I would agree that you are totally right to be upset over your boyfriends' behaviour, just remember that boys sometimes do very odd unexplained things that upset us, then somehow they do the storming off and sulking!
    Life would be a lot easier if they'd cop onto the fact that us girls are kept happy very easily!
    Try not to let it get to you, I think it's just that he's realised that he's been a bit of an ass and is now in bed sulking.
    Treat yourself tomorrow, go out at lunch and buy yourself a present.

    And don't you dare make his lunch tomorrow morning!


  • #29
    niceoneted
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 463 ✭✭niceoneted


    I was reading down through the thread and I was glad when I came to Sybils as that is exactly what I was thinking.
    Is there a possibility that his job is on the line or he felt worried about money after the budget. Perhaps he has expenses that you are not aware of.
    Perhaps he has something special organised for xmas and all his money went there.
    You have to remember that if you choose to give gifts/buy things/ cook dinners etc you do this with out condition. You do it because you want to not that you want something in return.
    We are not all perfect.

    For the record I regard a birthday as very special, as it is the one day in the year that is your day (ok lots of others born on same day but it's not christmas, valentines, easter where most celebrate - depending on religion). I love to get cards as a recognition of that special day but do not expect or want gifts. A nice meal out is fine.

    I think also his reaction was a bit OTT but then again we don't seem to know where he was coming from. Perhaps he was going to propose and was so nervous and then bricked it all and felt small.


  • #30
    Sauve
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 22,646 ✭✭✭✭Sauve


    niceoneted wrote: »
    I was reading down through the thread and I was glad when I came to Sybils as that is exactly what I was thinking.
    Is there a possibility that his job is on the line or he felt worried about money after the budget. Perhaps he has expenses that you are not aware of.
    Perhaps he has something special organised for xmas and all his money went there.
    You have to remember that if you choose to give gifts/buy things/ cook dinners etc you do this with out condition. You do it because you want to not that you want something in return.
    We are not all perfect.

    For the record I regard a birthday as very special, as it is the one day in the year that is your day (ok lots of others born on same day but it's not christmas, valentines, easter where most celebrate - depending on religion). I love to get cards as a recognition of that special day but do not expect or want gifts. A nice meal out is fine.

    I think also his reaction was a bit OTT but then again we don't seem to know where he was coming from. Perhaps he was going to propose and was so nervous and then bricked it all and felt small.

    Maybe he has money worries, but would it not have made more sense for him to explain his reasons for not getting a present?
    If this was the reason, which I don't think it is really, I'm sure she would have understood if he just said what was going on, ie, "sorry I only got you a card, but I'm a bit skint", "I'm saving for a really nice Christmas present" etc


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  • #31
    HannahBecker
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20 ✭HannahBecker


    I can understand why some of you might think "maybe he had something organised as a surprise" or like the last poster said "maybe he was going to propose"

    But I live with my boyfriend. I think he if was going to propose or surprise me then he perhaps would have brought that up 5 hours ago when I was upset about it? I had gotten home from work before he had and started to get ready. And I don't think I'm the only girl on here who would put a lot of effort into going out on her birthday with regards to her make-up and outfit....I don't know why some people on here are trying to make me feel bad about wanting to feel good on my birthday.

    And for those of you who said "he treats you well otherwise"...apart from me saying that he makes me feel unloved and unspecial....I guess I should just go and marry my optician or the man from the corner shop. They don't treat me badly either.

    They must be wonderful men.


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