Why do I attract wierdos and/or older guys?! Please help!

Wompa1 · 09-12-2010 11:59AM

If you aren't happy with it then maybe approach guys you do fancy rather than waiting for them to come to you

alexa5x5 · 09-12-2010 04:20PM

I know where you’re coming from OP. From my teens up till now (mid-20's) I seemed to act like a magnet for every weirdo/creep out there. In the beginning I used to chat to anyone who came up to me, but like you said when I said I wasn’t interested anything other than a chat they became aggressive. Unfortunately, there seems to be an attitude out there that if your on a night out and your dressed up your far game for every man out there. Despite the fact that you might just be out for a night with your friends, and dressed up because you want to look nice.

As time has gone on I’ve become very wary of talking to people on a night out because of many-many bad experiences where I felt threatened by guys that didn’t like me turning them down. I’ve actually gotten to the stage that I don’t go to night clubs; it’s just too much hassle. The only advice I can give you is to stick to your group of friends on a night out. If you feel someone looking at you, avoid any eye contact with them. If someone comes up to you that you don’t want to talk to, don’t begin a conversation with them. I find the best thing to say if I find myself in that situation is "Hello, have a good nigh" then walk off.

I know my advice seems anti-social but I’ve found being "cold" and aloof on night out is the only way to avoid un-wanted attention.

NEVER ever say "fcuk off" to a guy or anything along those lines, I’ve heard of girls being attacked physically after saying things like that to guys.

My last piece of advice is, if you feel partially pestered or intimidated by some one, speak to a bouncer and ask them to keep an eye on the guy. That worked for me once when a guy just wouldn’t take no for an answer.

Memnoch · 09-12-2010 05:06PM

I don't understand the age issue.

When I was twenty, I found twenty year old girls attractive. Because well, they are pretty.

Now I'm late twenties, I still find twenty year old girls attractive. Why do people expect that as men get older they should only find "people their own age," attractive. I can't imagine suddenly waking up and thinking, hey I'm 40 now, so women in their 20s are all ugly and unattractive because of some artificial social taboo.

Emme · 09-12-2010 05:16PM

Memnoch wrote: »

I don't understand the age issue.

When I was twenty, I found twenty year old girls attractive. Because well, they are pretty.

Now I'm late twenties, I still find twenty year old girls attractive. Why do people expect that as men get older they should only find "people their own age," attractive. I can't imagine suddenly waking up and thinking, hey I'm 40 now, so women in their 20s are all ugly and unattractive because of some artificial social taboo.

No, when you're 40 you'll still find 20 year old girls attractive. However you probably won't find 30 or 40 year old women attractive (or at least as attractive as the 20 year olds) for the VERY reason of a social taboo.

Memnoch · 09-12-2010 05:40PM

Now I'm confused. I find thirty year old women attractive now, I doubt that will change either.

S23 · 09-12-2010 06:39PM

There is far too much attempting to sterotype and pigeon hole these 'older men' who approach 'younger women' on here.

As Memnoch said he won't stop finding young attractive women attractive just because he's 30 instead of 25 or 35 instead of 25 or 40 instead of 25.

To try and imply that older men (30-40 in this case)who hit on younger women don't find women of their own age (30-40) attractive is a bit ridiculous in terms of this post.

For all we know the older men who hit on the OP hit on 20 year olds, 30 year olds, 40 year olds and 50 year olds. Just because the only time the OP sees them is when they are hitting on her doesn't mean they don't ever hit on older women. There is no basis to suggest that they only go after younger women.

I'll say it again this all comes back to this being standard stuff. There's nothing particularly different about what the OP's problem is than what is faced by a large amount of women on a weekly basis when they head out.

The problem isn't age here if you read back through her posts. She gets approached by various lads of various ages who she deems to be creepy or weird. That's what she has to get to be able to deal with. If you go to nightclubs and are young and attractive you're going to get hit on a lot and a high percentage of the guys just aren't going to be for you.

As a slight aside, with regard to the age thing, I'm in the middle of the demographic we're talking about here being (just about) 30. I look at some younger looking women and find them attractive and I look at some older women and find them equally attractive. There's no harm in finding someone younger or older attractive. It's how you behave towards them that is the thing.

And, again sorry for repeating myself, people don't tend to behave too well when they are out in nightclubs looking to pick people up. And as much as you can argue that you don't have to be going to a nightclub 'on the pull' it's certainly why a hell of a lot of people go and if you are going to frequent those places you have to learn to cope with that. Whether it's right or wrong is neither here nor there. It's just the way it is

LegacyUser · 09-12-2010 09:23PM

Memnoch wrote: »

Why do people expect that as men get older they should only find "people their own age," attractive. I can't imagine suddenly waking up and thinking, hey I'm 40 now, so women in their 20s are all ugly and unattractive because of some artificial social taboo.

There's nothing wrong with finding younger people attractive. That's not a social taboo at all. The social taboo arises when a man in his forties won't take no for an answer from a twenty year old just because he's suddenly figured out how to talk to women and wants to make up for those wasted years.

S23 · 09-12-2010 10:08PM

unregistered wrote: »

There's nothing wrong with finding younger people attractive. That's not a social taboo at all. The social taboo arises when a man in his forties won't take no for an answer from a twenty year old just because he's suddenly figured out how to talk to women and wants to make up for those wasted years.

Whats the differnce between a someone who is lets say 38 years old acting the pri*k and being aggressive and an asshole and not taking no for an answer

and

a 25 year old acting the pri*k and being aggressive and an asshole and not taking no for an answer?

This is a behavioural thing and not an age based thing. Someone acting inappropriately is someone acting inappropriately regardless of age. I'd suggest the problem is that the older the bloke the greater the lack of attraction. There is probably a greater 'ewww' factor with a balding lad in his late 30's acting the pri*k than some lad in good nick in his 20's acting the pri*k. It doesn't make the same behaviour any more or less acceptable though

LegacyUser · 10-12-2010 01:53PM

Urgh OP, I know exactly what you're talking about.
In my experience it's usually the old guys who are the most lecherous and also the ones who turn nasty when you tell them you're not interested.
I hate going out now for that very reason.
What do you do? If you are cold you're a bitch if you're friendly you're a tease.
My friend in particular gets a lot of unwanted attention from older men. It's really gross actually. She says she's not interested but because she's petite I think they feel they can keep pestering her and wear her down. Often times we have to intervene on her behalf and you would not believe the nasty insults we get!
Many of them inappropriately touch her or try to kiss her when she's just actually being polite. And they don't get the meaning of 'go away, we're on a girls night out and not wanting to be chatted up!!' Fine if you want to chat to the entire group but how rude is it to come over, single one girl out and disrupt the conversation, especially if there is one girl left sitting there on her own twiddling her thumbs. And when you draw their attention to the fact you're the worst in the world.
I find men in their 20's are much more respectable.
Also, why don't these older men go after someone their own age???? I think it's gross to have someone my dad's age trying to pull me!

Fluorescence · 10-12-2010 02:30PM

S23 wrote: »

There is far too much attempting to sterotype and pigeon hole these 'older men' who approach 'younger women' on here.

As Memnoch said he won't stop finding young attractive women attractive just because he's 30 instead of 25 or 35 instead of 25 or 40 instead of 25.

To try and imply that older men (30-40 in this case)who hit on younger women don't find women of their own age (30-40) attractive is a bit ridiculous in terms of this post.

For all we know the older men who hit on the OP hit on 20 year olds, 30 year olds, 40 year olds and 50 year olds. Just because the only time the OP sees them is when they are hitting on her doesn't mean they don't ever hit on older women. There is no basis to suggest that they only go after younger women.

Ah but I don't think the OP is complaining about the polite older men that she can have a chat with and if she tells them that she isn't interested romantically don't get stroppy. There's a particular breed of lecherous middle-aged->old creeps who think they're God's gift and are entitled to sleaze all over any young woman who as much as looks in their direction. I seem to attract them as well (oh, and lesbians)... I've found politely laughing off their advances and physically moving away works well enough. The trick is to find out where the line is between friendly banter and slightly flirty banter and never to cross it when approached by a drunken sleaze.

As for why some people seem to attract them more than others, I'm not sure. Best just to learn to deal with it in a way that's least annoying for you and least provocative to the other person (who, if one of the creeps might have an aggressive or hostile reaction).

Wompa1 · 10-12-2010 02:35PM

fluorescence wrote: »

Ah but I don't think the OP is complaining about the polite older men that she can have a chat with and if she tells them that she isn't interested romantically don't get stroppy. There's a particular breed of lecherous middle-aged->old creeps who think they're God's gift and are entitled to sleaze all over any young woman who as much as looks in their direction. I seem to attract them as well (oh, and lesbians)... I've found politely laughing off their advances and physically moving away works well enough. The trick is to find out where the line is between friendly banter and slightly flirty banter and never to cross it when approached by a drunken sleaze.

As for why some people seem to attract them more than others, I'm not sure. Best just to learn to deal with it in a way that's least annoying for you and least provocative to the other person (who, if one of the creeps might have an aggressive or hostile reaction).

Laughing off someones advances is typically what Irish girls do and why they have such a reputation. If you say you're not interested you can still talk to the guy, why not? Women don't give guys much credit. I think we have just as much control over ourselves than women when it comes to sex. Women just seem to think they are above us for some reason.

Fluorescence · 10-12-2010 02:54PM

Wompa1 wrote: »

Laughing off someones advances is typically what Irish girls do and why they have such a reputation. If you say you're not interested you can still talk to the guy, why not? Women don't give guys much credit. I think we have just as much control over ourselves than women when it comes to sex. Women just seem to think they are above us for some reason.

You took my meaning up wrong. I said I laugh off the advances of sleazes and creeps (you know how you sometimes get that vibe that someone is creepy? I trust that. Always). If some guy seems friendly and nice, I'll have a chat with him no matter his age. If I find he's just sleazing all over people in the place or gives me that unsettling vibe I will be quite dismissive, and am well within my right to be.

I hate how a lot of people (especially on boards) are slating all irish girls as being rude bítches because it's hurtful and untrue.

Wompa1 · 10-12-2010 02:57PM

fluorescence wrote: »

You took my meaning up wrong. I said I laugh off the advances of sleazes and creeps (you know how you sometimes get that vibe that someone is creepy? I trust that. Always). If some guy seems friendly and nice, I'll have a chat with him no matter his age. If I find he's just sleazing all over people in the place or gives me that unsettling vibe I will be quite dismissive, and am well within my right to be.

I hate how a lot of people (especially on boards) are slating all irish girls as being rude bítches because it's hurtful and untrue.

Ok, sorry I jumped the gun. In defense of people on boards we're all aware it's a generalization and there would be some girls that are different but those of us that think this is only because we've been on the receiving end. Not only that but since it's about Irish women, in my case and probably the other guys we don't get it when approaching an American girl, Polish, English etc. Just Irish.

alexa5x5 · 10-12-2010 03:09PM

Wompa1 wrote: »

Laughing off someones advances is typically what Irish girls do and why they have such a reputation. If you say you're not interested you can still talk to the guy, why not? Women don't give guys much credit. I think we have just as much control over ourselves than women when it comes to sex. Women just seem to think they are above us for some reason.

I don’t mean to offend you but as a man you have no idea how awful it can be for a woman on a night out. I’m sure you and maybe most of your friends are well behaved, but for me, as I said in my above post, I’m completely put off going on nights out because of some men’s behaviour.

It’s become almost acceptable to grope, make disgusting comments, and pester women. And if you tell these men to leave you alone you get called a frigid bit*h.
You say Irish women have a “reputation” well maybe that’s because of the lecherous, uncivilised men out there that think it’s perfectly acceptable to treat us with such disrespect.

Yes some men can control themselves, but many cant, and unfortunately I think its getting worse. When I first started going out, when I turned a guy down there wasn’t usually a problem, gradually that turned to being accused of leading the guy on, to verbal abuse most recently. I know one friend who was shoved over buy a guy who she didn’t want to dance with. The groping thing is almost common place now, so much so that men seem almost surprised that we’re offended by it.

Like I said I’m sure you’re well behaved, but unless you’re a woman you really don’t understand.

Wompa1 · 10-12-2010 03:20PM

alexa5x5 wrote: »

I don’t mean to offend you but as a man you have no idea how awful it can be for a woman on a night out. I’m sure you and maybe most of your friends are well behaved, but for me, as I said in my above post, I’m completely put off going on nights out because of some men’s behaviour.

It’s become almost acceptable to grope, make disgusting comments, and pester women. And if you tell these men to leave you alone you get called a frigid bit*h.
You say Irish women have a “reputation” well maybe that’s because of the lecherous, uncivilised men out there that think it’s perfectly acceptable to treat us with such disrespect.

Yes some men can control themselves, but many cant, and unfortunately I think its getting worse. When I first started going out, when I turned a guy down there wasn’t usually a problem, gradually that turned to being accused of leading the guy on, to verbal abuse most recently. I know one friend who was shoved over buy a guy who she didn’t want to dance with. The groping thing is almost common place now, so much so that men seem almost surprised that we’re offended by it.

Like I said I’m sure you’re well behaved, but unless you’re a woman you really don’t understand.

Yip, I hate night clubs. And It's lads that seem to think it's ok to grope women. I wouldn't say it's men. One of my housemates use to do it alot. But it worked an unbelievable amount of times for him. So if it's something that works for lads I'd say they won't be changing anytime soon. I've heard it's even worse in some other European countries. Also I have been groped I'd say 3 times by women and not just hand on my ass or hip...and it was unwanted...and I've been groped by 2 guys. Granted one of them was my girlfriends gay friend but again that was unwanted.

Squiggler · 10-12-2010 03:30PM

alexa5x5 wrote: »

It’s become almost acceptable to grope, make disgusting comments, and pester women. And if you tell these men to leave you alone you get called a frigid bit*h.
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This is the real problem here. In the past I have had complete strangers walk up to me, grab me by the arm and try to drag me off. In a different environment that would be viewed as attempted abduction. Groping, making lewd comments etc would all qualify as sexual harrassment.

But the assumption seems to be that this is acceptable behaviour! How? Why? Because there is drink involved? Because the assumption is that someone in a bar or nightclub WANTS this kind of 'attention'?

I don't get it. Nobody should tolerate that kind of treatment from anyone. Tell them, in no uncertain terms, that their behaviour is unacceptable. Report these people to bar staff or bar security if they persist. If we act like it is normal it will be. What are we, farm animals? Actually, scratch that, farm animals are better behaved.

And, this behaviour is not restricted to men. I have seen men victimised by groups of women (hen parties being a prime example) in the past too.

neuro-praxis · 10-12-2010 03:48PM

I have a lovely friend with this problem. She calls it her "dribbly oul'fella" problem.

She is a bit older than you, in her thirties, and men in their forties, fifties and sixties constantly approach her, and usually leer and/or make suggestive comments. They are usually married. Men her age never approach her. This has been a problem for her for 15 years.

There are a few reasons why in her case:

1. She is extremely friendly, very funny, outgoing and seemingly confident. She will engage and chat with literally anyone. She makes good eye contact when chatting and usually starts things off with a joke, and this friendliness gets mistaken by idiots for being "easy". In reality she is quite a reserved person, but this is not obvious.
2. She is genuinely very sexy. Without being the prettiest woman in the world, she still has huge sex appeal, no matter what she is wearing. Younger men seem to find this intimidating.
3. A third issue is that despite her apparent confidence she is very slow to react if someone makes an inappropriate comment towards her. She tends to blush and laugh it off, while deep down feeling very humiliated. This only encourages these kinds of men.

I don't know if any of this rings a bell for you or if it helps. But you are not alone!

S23 · 10-12-2010 04:09PM

fluorescence wrote: »

Ah but I don't think the OP is complaining about the polite older men that she can have a chat with and if she tells them that she isn't interested romantically don't get stroppy.

No I realise that. Shes complaining about sleazy/creepy/weird men of all ages. This is exactly my point. You can keep looking past it and fixate on this thing about 'older men' but shes complained about men of all ages who she's not into hitting on her and as I keep saying that's just par for the course. As neuro-praxis finished the post with 'you're not alone'. That's the unfortunate point. It's a common enough thing. The OP isn't special or particularly cursed.

As for a lot of the rest that has been said I agree. The 'acceptable' level of behaviour is pretty poor these days. The disgusting overtly sexual comments and grabby nature of lads you see out now is absolutely awful. I agree with that 100%. I think it's absolutely hideous behaviour and is, quite frankly, a blight on our society.

However, this all feeds back into the 'ah sure it wasn't me it was the drink so that makes it okay' mentality there is in this country. Ah sure it's alright to act the pri*k when you're drunk because you have a nice excuse to cover yourself seems to be pretty standard thinking here. It's compounded by the fact that a lot of people are willing to accept it (maybe because they will use it at some stage?)It's a cultural thing that getting sh*tfaced is (not for everyone but in a large percentage) part of having the 'craic'. And if you can do what you want when you're sh*tfaced then this is what develops.

All of this is culutural and behavioural, though, and not really related to the OP's first post. Fixating on dribbly old men or whatever else isn't going to get anyone anywhere.

As myself and a couple of others said earlier, and neuro-praxis reiterated, women who get approached more may do so because they are a) extremely attractive b) look/give off an air of being more approachable than other women c) don't put their foot down with guys who approach them then every chancer thinks he'll give it a whirl.

I think this thread has exposed one thing. It's not really the age of any man that's the problem here. It's the type of behaviour that men of all ages have are willing to enact to try and 'pull' someone and the fact that it's now largely accepted that is the real problem.

We can complain about it here and I'm sure there are plenty of people that don't like it but if you go out to a large percentage of places tonight and all this craic is going to go on and it's not stopping anytime soon because it's becoming embedded in our culture.

LegacyUser · 10-12-2010 09:53PM

After reading the comments, I think the whole going out scene can be a bit of a viscious circle.
Take for example, a guy goes up to a few different girls on a night out- some may tell him to f off. He will remember the negative experiences more so than the positive ones- the 1 or 2 girls that he might have had a chat with that night.

Maybe- if a girl (like me) isn't rude to guys and chats for a bit. They think "ok, she didn't tell me to f off so, I'm in." When the girl gives him an excuse- he gets narked, because hes disappointed. The drink kicks in and he thinks "ya, I'm pissed off and I'm going to tell you about it!." So the girl is going to think some guys are assholes.

It is a hypothetical situation that happens so many times. It's evident in your posts, but not every encounter ends up like this thankfully!

I think manners is a thing of the past. I would regard myself as a polite person. However, I have met so many people that have been rude and horrible to me. I sometimes think, why should I bother being nice!

As regards to the following comment...

neuro-praxis wrote: »

There are a few reasons why in her case:

1. She is extremely friendly, very funny, outgoing and seemingly confident. She will engage and chat with literally anyone. She makes good eye contact when chatting and usually starts things off with a joke, and this friendliness gets mistaken by idiots for being "easy". In reality she is quite a reserved person, but this is not obvious.
2. She is genuinely very sexy. Without being the prettiest woman in the world, she still has huge sex appeal, no matter what she is wearing. Younger men seem to find this intimidating.
3. A third issue is that despite her apparent confidence she is very slow to react if someone makes an inappropriate comment towards her. She tends to blush and laugh it off, while deep down feeling very humiliated. This only encourages these kinds of men.

QUOTE]

1. Yes, I am very friendly. I have a good sense of humour. I know this because I can keep a conversation going, get people laughing, people smile when the speak to me.
2. I'm not so sure of. How do you know your sexy/gorgeus? You can't measure it against something standard. The only "evidence" I may have is that friends, family and guys on nights out- tell me I'm gorgeus, hot, sexy, pretty, etc.. but I just think that friends and family are going to say this to me because they love me.. (I hope) no-one would tell a friend or a family member that they were ugly! I think guys say this to me because they just wanna get laid- regardless of being ugly/pretty.

Why do I attract wierdos and/or older guys?! Please help!

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