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Should I End It And If So How?

  • 11-08-2010 4:07pm
    #1
    Registered Users Posts: 166,038 ✭✭✭✭ LegacyUser


    I've been in mainly live-in relationship with my boyfriend for 13 years, we were engaged but this seems to have fizzled out. For the last 3 years his behaviour has been getting so bad that I left and got a job in another city and felt much better, but he prevailed upon me to try again and so I left this job (with secure pension) and got a part-time job where he lived in order to move back in again. I was made redundant a year ago and have only been able to find the odd freelance contract work which makes me about 14,000 a year.

    In what ways in his behaviour bad? He says he does not find me sexually attractive any more, he refuses to have sex with me or kiss me, he won't do any mutual activities together, he texts other women and they text him (3 that I know off, although I'm not a little mouse and I put a stop to this - I think), he is generally very critical of me and judges me by very harsh standards. I admit in the early stages of the relationship I was more immature and perhaps a bit harsh on him at times, but he can be unreliable and is constantly late. I think its generally summed up in his comment to me "I just don't like you very much".

    I gave him nearly 100,000 (from the sale of my house, which had a tiny mortgage on it) to put towards his buy-to-let mortgages, which he would'nt have got otherwise. I manage these properties for him, they are in his sole name but this is not an issue because we have a partnership agreement saying if we split up we get 50/50. However his idea of 50/50 is to sell when the market is poor, with the properties in slightly poor condition and paying Capital Gains Tax on them. Basically I wouldn't have given him the deposits had we not been engaged to be married at the time and we planned to keep them as our pensions. I also gave him free accommodation in my other house so that he could pay the mortgages. I now have no pension and this one house with a sizable mortgage on it in my name which is rented out and we currently stay in another house which he owns another house which has huge potential for development as it stands in its own grounds but he refuses to do anything with it.

    I'm 42, because of this arrangement I made no seperate pension provision, I've lost the gains I would have made if I had kept it as my own property investment and he's benefitted from free accommodation and my work all these years. And I'm so, so sick of being criticised and told I'm not good enough. I don't smoke or drink, I'm a petite yet curvy size 8 and I keep getting attention from other men because I go everywhere and do everything on my own and probably come across as really sad, but anyway, I'm told I am very attractive indeed, although I'm really not the flirty type (I actually think I'm a bit scared of men).

    I just don't understand why he is behaving like this, fair enough if I'd let myself go but I've not. He says its all my fault. I feel like he's ruined my life and I don't want him to profit out of me or to be left without a pension, or indeed job, at this age. I can't understand why someone would just let things go like this without making any attempt to put an effort in, I'm quite a loyal person so maybe its my own fault I'm not more shallow. At times I feel so frustrated because I feel I've been treated so unfairly that I have suicidal thoughts - I would never act on them, I'm a pretty level headed person.

    Any advice from anyone ever in a similar situation?


Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 22,562 ✭✭✭✭ AnonoBoy


    3 steps:
    • Dump him.
    • Move out.
    • Instigate legal proceedings to recoup your loan to him.


    Why would you stay with someone who criticises you constantly, says he's not attracted to you and refuses to kiss or have sex with you?


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,897 Kimia


    Oh my good god. I am horrified by your post OP. How could you stay with someone who speaks to you and treats you like that? This really baffles me, how could you possibly think this is ok???


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,670 Doc


    He was a major part of your life; of course you’ll miss him; it’s perfectly normal. It’s like getting a tooth pulled out; after the dentist pulls it, you’re relieved. But how many times do you run your tongue over the spot where it once was ? Probably a hundred times a day.just because it was hurting you, doesn’t mean you don’t notice it. It leaves a gap, and sometimes you see yourself missing it terribly. It’s going to take a while, but it always takes some time. Should you have kept the tooth? No, because it was causing you pain. Pulling the tooth was the right decision, but it’s still going to hurt.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,364 ✭✭✭ ManOfMystery


    I've been in mainly live-in relationship with my boyfriend for 13 years, we were engaged but this seems to have fizzled out. For the last 3 years his behaviour has been getting so bad that I left and got a job in another city and felt much better, but he prevailed upon me to try again and so I left this job (with secure pension) and got a part-time job where he lived in order to move back in again. I was made redundant a year ago and have only been able to find the odd freelance contract work which makes me about 14,000 a year.

    In what ways in his behaviour bad? He says he does not find me sexually attractive any more, he refuses to have sex with me or kiss me, he won't do any mutual activities together, he texts other women and they text him (3 that I know off, although I'm not a little mouse and I put a stop to this - I think), he is generally very critical of me and judges me by very harsh standards. I admit in the early stages of the relationship I was more immature and perhaps a bit harsh on him at times, but he can be unreliable and is constantly late. I think its generally summed up in his comment to me "I just don't like you very much".

    I gave him nearly 100,000 (from the sale of my house, which had a tiny mortgage on it) to put towards his buy-to-let mortgages, which he would'nt have got otherwise. I manage these properties for him, they are in his sole name but this is not an issue because we have a partnership agreement saying if we split up we get 50/50. However his idea of 50/50 is to sell when the market is poor, with the properties in slightly poor condition and paying Capital Gains Tax on them. Basically I wouldn't have given him the deposits had we not been engaged to be married at the time and we planned to keep them as our pensions. I also gave him free accommodation in my other house so that he could pay the mortgages. I now have no pension and this one house with a sizable mortgage on it in my name which is rented out and we currently stay in another house which he owns another house which has huge potential for development as it stands in its own grounds but he refuses to do anything with it.

    I'm 42, because of this arrangement I made no seperate pension provision, I've lost the gains I would have made if I had kept it as my own property investment and he's benefitted from free accommodation and my work all these years. And I'm so, so sick of being criticised and told I'm not good enough. I don't smoke or drink, I'm a petite yet curvy size 8 and I keep getting attention from other men because I go everywhere and do everything on my own and probably come across as really sad, but anyway, I'm told I am very attractive indeed, although I'm really not the flirty type (I actually think I'm a bit scared of men).

    I just don't understand why he is behaving like this, fair enough if I'd let myself go but I've not. He says its all my fault. I feel like he's ruined my life and I don't want him to profit out of me or to be left without a pension, or indeed job, at this age. I can't understand why someone would just let things go like this without making any attempt to put an effort in, I'm quite a loyal person so maybe its my own fault I'm not more shallow. At times I feel so frustrated because I feel I've been treated so unfairly that I have suicidal thoughts - I would never act on them, I'm a pretty level headed person.

    Any advice from anyone ever in a similar situation?

    By all accounts, your post is a description of 2 people who don't even seem to like each other.

    Why go out with someone when you don't even like them? Relationships are meant to enrich your life, not detract from it.

    Get out of there.


  • Registered Users Posts: 35 ✭✭✭ mitsy


    Hi there, you could spend forever and a day trying to understand this man and still get nowhere. His behaviour is completely and utterly unacceptable and downright hurtful. If a friend came to you and told you their partner was treating them this way, you would tell your friend to run for the hills.

    I understand you have invested a huge amount in this relationship (both emotionally and financially) and i understand how difficult it is to undo all of that investment. When we get involved in relationships, we intertwine our lives with that person and it is really difficult to unravel all of that but believe me if you arent happy with this man and he isnt cherishing you and loving you like you deserve every single day then get out as fast as you can. It isnt going to get any better.Why stay with someone who isnt making you happy?

    Think about it this way, this is not the type of person you would want in your life, he isnt doing anything for you other than making you feel unloved and neglected.

    I would agree with the above posters, get rid of him and seek legal and financial advice about recouping your losses.

    Good luck!!


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,674 Miss Fluff


    Get thee to a solicitor as quick as your OP skates will carry you. I don't think anyone needs to tell you that you then need to dump him. Any chance your employers in this other city you worked in would take you back? Seems to be like you need a totally clean break.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,723 Cheap Thrills!


    I just don't understand why he is behaving like this

    It OBVIOUS OP !! Because you are letting him.

    He is making an awful thick out of you.

    When he wanted to 'try again' why did YOU move and give up your job....why did he move to you if HE wanted to try again.

    You GAVE him 100 grand....crazy.....but leave it -I presume the 50/50 agreement still stands if you 'break up' (You're not having sex now anyway so whats the difference)

    He says to your face he doesn't find you sexually attractive.....Jesus.

    Dump him, it doesn't matter how except for Get good legal advice and disentangle yourself from this parasite. Life is too short. You sound like a gorgeous girl, you can do way better than this lowlife ass.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 79 ✭✭✭ FortyPlusHubby



    Any advice from anyone ever in a similar situation?

    I was never in this situation, but I'm trying to see the situation from his perspective, just to give this discussion some balance.
    .
    .
    .
    .
    You have become his pension plan. I can't see any other angle on this.

    You need to see a solicitor straight away about recovering your money.

    I think once you have made sure to get your hands on every bit of paperwork you need from your current house (his house, as I understand it) you should dump him. Leave and don't ever come back, 'cos this guy is toxic.

    Get your finances in order, and get your head together ASAP.... your friends should be able to help you with this.

    In time, you should look for somebody more deserving of your company. You sound like a great woman by any standards.

    Best of luck,

    40pH


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