Things You Remember From School

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I remember my history teacher being a total babe with a massive set of knockers on her and every time she reached up to write high on the blackboard, she'd rub chalk dust off the board onto her tight clothing and then she'd rub that off with her hands. It was the one class where the boys would rush into to get a front row seat.

Agricola wrote: »

I thought you were abit of an oversexed kid til i realised you were talking about secondary school!

You've just sent horrible thoughts through my head about my national school teacher. :eek:

ROCKMAN wrote: »

Warning very long post !

This thread reminded me of a post in the soccer forum last year ,it a hell of a long post but well worth a read, for anyone who dreamed and played .

By Dub13 (thank you and I hope you don't mind )


Playground Football Rules(those were the days)
The memories...

Matches shall be played over three unequal periods: two playtimes and a lunchtime. Each of these periods shall begin shortly after the ringing of a bell, and although a bell is also rung towards the end of these periods, play may continue for up to ten minutes afterwards, depending on the nihilism or “bottle” of the participants with regard to corporal punishment met out to latecomers back to the classroom.

In practice there is a sliding scale of nihilism, from those who hasten to stand in line as soon as the bell rings, known as “poofs”, through those who will hang on until the time they estimate it takes the teachers to down the last of their gins and journey from the staffroom, known as “chancers”, and finally to those who will hang on until a teacher actually has to physically retrieve them, known as “bampots”.

This sliding scale is intended to radically alter the logistics of a match in progress, often having dramatic effects on the scoreline as the number of remaining participants drops. It is important, therefore, in picking the sides, to achieve a fair balance of poofs, chancers and bampots in order that the scoreline achieved over a sustained period of play - a lunchtime, for instance - is not totally nullified by a five-minute post-bell onslaught of five bampots against one.

The scoreline to be carried over from the previous period of the match is in the trust of the last bampots to leave the field of play, and may be the matter of some debate.

This must be resolved in one of the approved manners (see Adjudication).

Parameters

The object is to force the ball between two large, unkempt piles of jackets, in lieu of goalposts. These piles may grow or shrink throughout the match, depending on the number of participants and the prevailing weather. As the number of players increases, so shall the piles. Each jacket added to the pile by a new addition to a side should be placed on the inside, nearest the goalkeeper, thus reducing the target area.

It is also important that the sleeve of one of the jackets should jut out across the goalmouth, as it will often be claimed that the ball went “over the post” and it can henceforth be asserted that the outstretched
sleeve denotes the innermost part of the pile and thus the inside of the post.

The on-going reduction of the size of the goal is the responsibility of any respectable defence and should be undertaken conscientiously with resourcefulness and imagination.

In the absence of a crossbar, the upper limit of the target area is observed as being slightly above head height, although when the height at which a ball passed between the jackets is in dispute, judgement shall lie with an arbitrary adjudicator from one of the sides. He is known as the “best fighter”; his decision is final and may be enforced with physical violence if anyone wants to stretch a point.

There are no pitch markings. Instead, physical objects denote the boundaries, ranging from the most common - walls and buildings – to roads or burns. Corners and throw-ins are redundant where bylines or touchlines are denoted by a two-storey building or a six-foot granite wall. Instead, a scrum should be instigated to decide possession. This should begin with the ball trapped between the brickwork and two opposing players, and should escalate to include as many team members as can get there before the now egg-shaped ball finally emerges, drunkenly and often with a dismembered foot and shin attached. At this point, goalkeepers should look out for the player who takes possession of the escaped ball and begins bearing down on goal, as most of those involved in the scrum will be unaware that the ball is no longer amidst their feet.

The goalkeeper should also try not to be distracted by the inevitable fighting that has by this point broken out.

In games on large open spaces, the length of the pitch is obviously denoted by the jacket piles, but the width is a variable. In the absence of roads, water hazards or “a big dug”, the width is determined by how far out the attacking winger has to meander before the pursuing defender gets fed up and lets him head back towards where the rest of the players are waiting, often as far as quarter of a mile away.

It is often observed that the playing area is “no’ a full-size pitch”. This can be invoked verbally to justify placing a wall of players eighteen inches from the ball at direct free kicks It is the formal response to “yards”, which the kick-taker will incant meaninglessly as he places the ball.

The Ball

There is a variety of types of ball approved for Primary School Football. I shall describe the most popular:

The rough-finish Mitre or Trophy 5. Half football, half Portuguese Man o’ War. On the verge of a ban in the European Court of Human Rights, this model is not for sale to children. Used exclusively by teachers during gym classes as a kind of aversion therapy. Made from highly durable fibre-glass, stuffed with neutron star and coated with dead jellyfish. Advantages: looks quite grown up, makes for high-scoring matches (keepers won’t even attempt to catch it). Disadvantages: scars or maims anything it touches.

Offside

There is no offside, for two reasons: one, “it’s not’ a full-size pitch”, and two, none of the players actually know what offside is. The lack of an offside rule gives rise to a unique sub-division of strikers. These players hang around the opposing goalmouth while play carries on at the other end, awaiting a long pass forward out of defence which they can help past the keeper before running the entire length of the pitch with their arms in the air to greet utterly imaginary adulation. These are known variously as “poachers”, “gloryhunters” and “fly wee bastarts”. These players display a remarkable degree of self-security, seemingly happy in their own appraisals of their achievements, and caring little for their team-mates’ failure to appreciate the contribution they have made. They know that it can be for nothing other than their enviable goal tallies that they are so bitterly despised.

Adjudication

The absence of a referee means that disputes must be resolved between the opposing teams rather than decided by an arbiter. There are two accepted ways of doing this. 1. Compromise. An arrangement is devised that is found acceptable by both sides. Sway is usually given to an action that is in accordance with the spirit of competition, ensuring that the game does not turn into “a pure skoosh”. For example, in the event of a dispute as towhether the ball in fact crossed the line, or whether the ball has gone inside or “over” the post, the attacking side may offer the ultimatum: “Penalty or goal.” It is not recorded whether any side has ever opted for the latter. It is on occasions that such arrangements or ultimata do not prove acceptable to both sides that the second adjudicatory method comes into play.

Team Selection

To ensure a fair and balanced contest, teams are selected democratically in a turns-about picking process, with either side beginning as a one-man selection committee and growing from there. The initial selectors are usually the recognised two Best Players of the assembled group. Their first selections will be the two recognised Best Fighters, to ensure a fair balance in the adjudication process, and to ensure that they don’t have their own performances impaired throughout the match by profusely bleeding noses. They will then proceed to pick team-mates in a roughly meritocratic order, selecting on grounds of skill and tactical awareness, but not forgetting that while there is a sliding scale of players’ ability, there is also a sliding scale of players’ brutality and propensities towards motiveless violence. A selecting captain might baffle a talented striker by picking the less nimble Big Jazza ahead of him, and may explain, perhaps in the words of Linden B Johnson upon his retention of J Edgar Hoover as the head of the FBI, that he’d “rather have him inside the tent ****ing out, than outside the tent ****ing in”. Special consideration is also given during the selection process to the owner of the ball. It is tacitly acknowledged to be “his gemme”, and he must be shown a degree of politeness for fear that he takes the huff at being picked late and withdraws his favours. Another aspect of team selection that may confuse those only familiar with the game at senior level will be the choice of goalkeepers, who will inevitably be the last players to be picked. Unlike in the senior game, where the goalkeeper is often the tallest member of his team, in the playground, the goalkeeper is usually the smallest. Senior aficionados must appreciate that playground selectors have a different agenda and are looking for altogether different properties in a goalkeeper. These can be listed briefly as: compliance, poor fighting ability, meekness, fear and anything else that makes it easier for their team-mates to banish the wee bugger between the sticks while they go off in search of personal glory up the other end.

Tactics

Playground football tactics are best explained in terms of team formation. Whereas senior sides tend to choose - according to circumstance - from among a number of standard options (eg 4-4-2, 4-3-3, 5-3-2), the playground side is usually more rigid in sticking to the all-purpose 1-1-17 formation. This formation is a sturdy basis for the unique style of play, ball-flow and territorial give-and-take that makes the playground game such a renowned and strategically engrossing spectacle. Just as the 5-3-2 formation is sometimes referred to in practice as “Cattenaccio”, the 1-1-17 formation gives rise to a style of play that is best described as “Nomadic”. All but perhaps four of the participants (see also Offside) migrate en masse from one area of the pitch to another, following the ball, and it is tactically vital that every last one of them remains within a ten-yard radius of it at all times.


Stoppages

Much stoppage time in the senior game is down to injured players requiring treatment on the field of play. The playground game flows freer having adopted the refereeing philosophy of “no Post-Mortem, no free-kick”, and play will continue around and even on top of a participant who has fallen in the course of his endeavours. However, the playground game is nonetheless subject to other interruptions, and some examples are listed below.

1. Ball on school roof or over school wall.

The retrieval time itself is negligible in these cases. The stoppage is most prolonged by the argument to decide which player must risk life, limb or four of the belt to scale the drainpipe or negotiate the barbed wire in order to return the ball to play. Disputes usually arise between the player who actually struck the ball and any others he claims it may have struck before disappearing into forbidden territory. In the case of the Best Fighter having been adjudged responsible for such an incident, a volunteer is often required to go in his stead or the game may be abandoned, as the Best Fighter is entitled to observe that A: “Ye canny make me”; or B: “It’s no’ ma baw anyway”.

2. Stray dog on pitch.

An interruption of unpredictable duration. The dog does not have to make off with the ball, it merely has to run around barking loudly, snarling and occasionally drooling or foaming at the mouth. This will ensure a dramatic reduction in the number of playing staff as 27 of them simultaneously volunteer to go indoors and inform the teacher of the threat. The length of the interruption can sometimes be gauged by the breed of dog. A deranged Irish Setter could take ten minutes to tire itself of running in circles, for instance, while a Jack Russell may take up to fifteen minutes to corner and force out through the gates. An Alsatian means instant abandonment.

3. Bigger boys steal ball.

A highly irritating interruption, the length of which is determined by the players’ experience in dealing with this sort of thing. The intruders will seldom actually steal the ball, but will improvise their own kickabout amongst themselves, occasionally inviting the younger players to attempt to tackle them. Standing around looking bored and unimpressed usually results in a quick restart. Shows of frustration and engaging in attempts to win back the ball can prolong the stoppage indefinitely. Informing the intruders that one of the players’ older brother is “Mad Chic Murphy” or some other noted local pugilist can also ensure minimum delay.

4. Celebration.

Kneeling down to head the ball over the line when defence and keeper are already beaten will elicit a thoroughly deserved kicking. As a footnote, however, it should be stressed that any goal scored by the Best Fighter will be met with universal acclaim, even if it was lucky/crap/took a deflection.


Penalties

At senior level, each side often has one appointed penalty-taker, who will defer to a team-mate in special circumstances, such as his requiring one more for a hat-trick. The playground side has two appointed penalty-takers: the Best Player and the Best Fighter. The arrangement is simple: the Best Player takes the penalties when his side is a retrievable margin behind, and the Best Fighter at all other times. If the side is comfortably in front, the ball-owner may be invited to take a penalty. Goalkeepers are often the subject of temporary substitutions at penalties, forced to give up their position to the Best Player or Best Fighter, who recognise the kudos attached to the heroic act of saving one of these kicks, and are buggered if Wee Titch is going to steal any of it.

I haven't read this yet but i reckon you deserve a "thanks" just for the effort!

Ruu's post just reminded me...did anyone else get to watch Muzzy Mór videos? They were class! Also, really cheesy swimming safety films with creepy music? I used to have nightmares after them.

allandanyways wrote: »

I don't know if any one else remembers the maths books, I think they were published by Fallons, but they were really long, much longer than our other books and they never used to fit in my schoolbag. You used to get marked out of ten at the bottom of the page and the marks were also written at the back of the book and it was a mega achievement if you could get one column of straight tens.

Maths Challenge? Got a new one every year and you'd always spend most of May and June with the teacher madly trying to finish it?

Aug2009 wrote: »

Milk in glass bottles with tin foil tops - wow i am old:eek:

I remember them too and I'm only 20! I also remember being disappointed when they changed to cartons. Oh and when someone who usually got milk was out sick everyone'd want their milk (it wasn't free so not everyone got it.)

[Rasta] wrote: »

My school was a bit on the relaxed side. One teacher had a tv in the classroom and was mad into betting, so everytime Cheltenham was on everyone would always sneak into the classroom to watch cheltenham cause most people had bets down, the teacher never taught the class anyway!

No one ever complained really, only some other teachers who wanted to teach got annoyed, thats about it

We had that too, but another teacher used to set work for her LC biology class and come up to our LC accounting class to watch the races.

Does anyone remember Sigma-T and Micra-T tests at primary school?? think they tested your level of reading, writing and maths... we would all be soooo nervous that day... thot it was such a big important exam

Also sports day... we used to have it on the beach and our school was pretty close so we used to walk....the whole school with 1 older pupil holdin hands with 2 young ones

And the older kids that helped out would get to pick something from the local cafe menu and they would get their lunch from the paid for! and the younger ones would be so jealous and rob all their chips! :P

Ah good times!

The Dog ate my Homework

Being told to "**** off back to Dublin" by the teacher when I moved to Wexford.

Secondary school was good.

I remember our school went and put a rule in that no kids were to be doing handstands, cartwheels or anything like that in the yard during break after a kid got injured doing a headstand against a wall. I was about 7 at the time it came out. I remember we were all into it at that time, trying to practice new moves as we had being doing it in PE.

Our school was also split into two sections the junior being ( Junior Infants - second class) and across the yard ( third - sixth). there was a rule that the lunches in the junior school had to be healthy, where as in the senior you could eat whatever you liked. Needless to say, we couldn't wait to get to the the senior school.

I also remember how the school used emotional blackmail on a kid if they never payed up on time for something. You know when, at the start of the year, you might have to pay for the milk or in our school we had to pay 10 quid in September for school supplies for the year. Anyway, there would always be one or two kids, who would be a little late bringing it in, more than likely, because their parents couldn't afford it at the time and everyday the teacher would ask for it and go mental and give out to them for not having it. :mad: used to piss me off big time.

In Junior Infants, two sixth class girls coming in to play "Simon Says" with us.

One of the sixth class kids would run around the circumference of the school ringing a bell at the start and end of playtime.

Slide projectors in lessons.

Being broken up into groups and sent to other classrooms when our teacher was out sick.

Pogs.

Gogos.

"Paintings" made using cotton wool and glitter at christmas time.

Having to repeat that awful "An bhfuil cead agam...." everytime you asked permission to go to the toilet (that bit was usually as far as you got before your request was given the go ahead).

Ordering penguin books.

The school inspector coming in.

Drumcondra tests.

My fifth and sixth class teacher was very into his music and would have us singing medleys of songs, some that he'd written for the class play but usually of popular songs or christmas songs if it were that time of year.

P.E. equipment consisting of hula hoops and bean bags plus we also had monkey bars. That's what we got up to for P.E on a rainy day. My school's hall also doubled as the local chapel for mass on a Sunday so there was a little partition in the hall with all the mass gear situated behind it. Should have messed with it some in retrospect. Come out from behind it dressed as the priest or something and give an impromptu mass to my classmates.

"My first confession" night at the school. All the parents in attendence. We had a play about Jesus and Zaccheaus. I played Jesus.

Spelling tests. I'm sure the results of both these and the Drumcondra tests are much more important than people think and are the reason many people cannot find a job at the moment.:)

The priest coming in once a year to give us confession.

Getting in our first proper PC into the classroom and the teacher telling us the golden rule in operating it : "Never turn the monitor on first" . I always turn the monitor on first, without any ill effects.

The black book that you got your name written in if you were exceptionally naughty.

Squeezy paint bottles.

Going down to the beach with the class and teacher in May/June and pretty much forgetting about school for the day.

Rolling down the grass bank that surrounded the playground.

Teachers who were very easy to sidetrack and went off on tangents with little relation to the lesson, who read books to the class aloud and had class quizzes .

Primary school:
- No uniforms in the junior school, and being all pissed off when I got to third class because I was going to have to wear a crappy grey jumper and skirt
- My fourth class teacher putting on a GAA-made video about sports injuries, and only turned it off when four kids fainted
- Mr Rocks the substitute teacher, who used to scratch his balls all day. Everyone avoided bringing their work up to his desk to be corrected because if they did then all the kids would say "haha, your copy smells like Mr Rocks's balls".
- Strawberry milk, and the day we were given cartons of it that were 2 weeks out of date... that was 15 years ago, and I haven't been able to drink any kind of strawberry milk since then.

Secondary school:
- Mrs Sherlock (a friend of the principal, who owned the company that made our uniforms) and her warped definition of "skirts just below the knee" - I was still rolling up the skirt that I got in 2nd year on my last day of 6th year because it was still far too long.
- Mad Mabbo the religion teacher - a 78 year old nun who tolerated no questions whatsoever, she kicked me out of her class at the start of 6th year.
- The middle-aged Corkman we had for maths and physics - a fooking legend in his own time. Used to start the class by telling Cork jokes, nearly every day.

"Lámh lámh eile a haon, a dó,
Cos cos eile, a haon a dó,
Suil, suil eile, a haon a dó,
Cluas, cluas eile, a haon a dó.

Ceann, srón, beal is smig,
Is fiacla bán ina mbeal istigh!"