civil v religious ceremony advice

Sauve · 02-07-2010 08:43PM #1

Hey folks,
Just looking for a bit of advice and opinions if I may.....
Myself and my OH got engaged in January this year so it's coming around to the time to start seriously thinking about what we want to do for 'The Big Day'.
From the start we both agreed that whatever we decide to do it was to be our decision, and we aren't going to let ourselves be talked into or out of anything. We're both quite easy going, no-fuss people so want something quite simple and uncomplicated.
The thing is that neither of us are religious and stopped going to Mass a long time ago. However, I still want to be married in a church, not for the religious aspect, but because I don't like the idea of a registry office, it seems very 'official' and lacking in atmosphere if that makes sense. Also, even though Im not religious, I like the spirituality and sense of calm that surrounds churches. I feel that a ceremony in a church would be a lot more meaningful, but I can't really explain why.
My OH really doesn't agree with this idea, he feels that as neither of us is religious, then we're being hypocritical by going for a church ceremony.

I understand his point fully and can see why he thinks this way, but can't see how we can come to a compromise on this.

We're both definite on what we want to happen, and have talked loads about ways around it but can't seem to come up with anything where we're both happy with the outcome.

So if there are any brightsparks out there with a solution to this then please tell me!
Thanks

peggie · 02-07-2010 08:50PM

i'm not 100% sure but i think you can get married outside registry offices now in ireland, perhaps a nice venue, maybe a castle or the like for the ceremony would give you what you want?

Ickle Magoo · 02-07-2010 08:54PM

Do you really want to get married in Ireland? I just ask because there seems to be very little choice in where you can get married here. If you hopped over the Irish sea then you can get a registrar to travel to pretty much anywhere you like...I know a couple who had a similar issue and got married in the de-consecrated chapel of a country house by a registrar to get the best of both worlds...not sure if that's even an option here yet.

iguana · 02-07-2010 09:12PM

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Do you really want to get married in Ireland? I just ask because there seems to be very little choice in where you can get married here. If you hopped over the Irish sea then you can get a registrar to travel to pretty much anywhere you like...I know a couple who had a similar issue and got married in the de-consecrated chapel of a country house by a registrar to get the best of both worlds...not sure if that's even an option here yet.

The law changed here a few years ago. Registrars can travel to lots of different venues now. And there are all sorts of licensed solemnisers, so it's possible to choose something like a humanist or pagan ceremony which is legally binding but also has a different atmosphere to a standard civil service.

namurt · 02-07-2010 09:59PM

Don't be turned off having a civil ceremony just because you don't like the idea of a registry office. Before we started planning our wedding I thought like that too but now that you can apply to have the ceremony in such a wide variety of places it's really brilliant. We've chosen a place that really suits us.

One idea that comes to mind that may be your happy medium is I understand that there's a chapel at the Brooklodge (in Wicklow I think) where you can have civil ceremonies.

artyeva · 02-07-2010 11:15PM

i'm not sure where exactly you're based but a compromise might be a ''church like'' building? maybe there's a de-commissioned church near you, although they're mostly C of I or other anglican i suppose. how about a castle? i know there's a chapel in markree castle in sligo that you can have a civil ceremony performed - maybe there's something similar near you?

duh - just noticed you're in sligo!!! hey neighbour!!

tatli_lokma · 03-07-2010 12:11AM

We got married in a civil ceremony in a castle. in terms of atmosphere etc it was just as picturesque and atmospheric as many churches.
I've been to church ceremonies which were impersonal and cold, as were the church. so a church does not guarantee a better wedding.

A friend of ours chose a priest from her parish that she particularly liked, they went through ceremony etc and she was really happy about it, he was young and modern and she really liked him. But then on the morning of the wedding the priest was called away for some emergency and another priest did the wedding - didn't know the couple, very old fashioned, awful sermon, it was actually depressing rather than romantic

Like you I liked the spiritual aspect of a religious ceremony, but on closer inspection I just couldn't be so hypocritical and so much of the actual wording of the ceremony and accepting of the sacriment just didn't sit well with me. On my wedding day I wanted everything I said in the ceremony to mean something - I didn't want to be saying things I didn't mean and its a long time since I had a catholic sacriment I was excited about! :rolleyes:

Our civil ceremony was very personal, had music, poems, readings, candle lighting, wrote our own vows etc etc - all the standard things you think of that makes a wedding feel like a wedding. There was just no mention of god or being a catholic!

One guest who is very religious said to me that she didn't expect much from a civil ceremony and previously she wouldn't have thought of them as 'special' but after being to our wedding it was one of the nicest most personal ceremonies she had ever been to (and she's in her 70's) and I don't think she was just being polite, as this woman would be the sort to tell you straight out if she had thought our ceremony was lacking.

If you are spiritual rather than religious there are also other solemnisers - there is a monk on your side of the island who does weddings. You might even find a priest who will do a blessing (although not officially as the RC church technically doesn't allow it).
Also, don't know about the registry office near you, but some of them are really quite lovely. Or a castle type hotel? Or like us, a stately home or castle in your area?

there are lots of options which are 'spiritual' and feel like a real ceremony without actually having to have a church wedding.

Search the forum, there are a lot of posts on here about it (my own inc! :P lol)

whatdoicare · 03-07-2010 01:29AM

We also got married in a castle (three months ago...yay) and a celtic monk, Dara Molloy married us, He is just the sweetest most down to earth man in the world and everyone who was there that day are still talking about his ceremony. He'll let you choose yr own ceremony and really puts his heart and soul into making it yr day. Highly recommend him

He wasn't able to register us when we got married but I hear he's recently gotten permission to become a solemniser, so can now do it.
Anyways: Linky: http://www.daramolloy.com/index.html

Sauve · 03-07-2010 09:10AM

Some great food for thought there everyone, thanks a lot. Might have a look at some of those options.....Many thanks again x

Tim Robbins · 04-07-2010 10:48PM

sue delahunty wrote: »

Hey folks,
Just looking for a bit of advice and opinions if I may.....
Thanks

Congratulations.

Get a Civil ceremony in a nice building. Church weddings where neither go to church and are only using the church because it is a nice building always have a bit of a cringe factor imo. Understandable if one person has a very religious family who would be upset if it wasn't Church but if it's not that way - what's the point?

Why get all your friends around for something special and give them a version of you that isn't you?

PS
You (we all) should be grateful that you can get a civil ceremony in approved buildings - it used to only be registrar offices.

civil v religious ceremony advice

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