Seeing a married man

kisskiss · 28-06-2010 10:01AM #1

Hi every1,

This is my first post on this board. I am posting this as I would like to get the opinion of various different people including married men.

Approx 9 months ago I met a guy. We talked for a few weeks then stopped talking. A few months later we got texting again and met up. We got on really well and continued texting and meeting up. I was finally starting to trust him along with falling for him, until his wife called me!! I knew nothing about this wife and I was gutted because we got on so well. We stopped talking again until a couple of days ago when we started texting again. He said we can be friends. I would like to be friends with him as we get on so well and I feel as if I can talk to him about anything. He has told me that he is going to a councilor and trying to work things out with his wife but still thinks we can be really good friends.

I want to be friends with him and I do miss talking to him but is it really worth it in the long run? I think that I will always want more from him and I can not expect that from him.

I was just wondering what other people think on this subject?

princess-lala · 28-06-2010 10:04AM

You cant be friends with this man! He obviously doesn't want to work too hard on his marriage if he wants you in his life too!

Sorry OP but you need to cut him loose and walk away!

Daisy Steiner · 28-06-2010 10:07AM

kisskiss wrote: »

Hi every1,

This is my first post on this board. I am posting this as I would like to get the opinion of various different people including married men.

Approx 9 months ago I met a guy. We talked for a few weeks then stopped talking. A few months later we got texting again and met up. We got on really well and continued texting and meeting up. I was finally starting to trust him along with falling for him, until his wife called me!! I knew nothing about this wife and I was gutted because we got on so well. We stopped talking again until a couple of days ago when we started texting again. He said we can be friends. I would like to be friends with him as we get on so well and I feel as if I can talk to him about anything. He has told me that he is going to a councilor and trying to work things out with his wife but still thinks we can be really good friends.

I want to be friends with him and I do miss talking to him but is it really worth it in the long run? I think that I will always want more from him and I can not expect that from him.

I was just wondering what other people think on this subject?

I'm sorry to tell you that my advice is to run. Run away from this situation. He wasn't up front with you from the start, he's married and his wife doesn't need this extra worry.

Honestly, you'll find other people to talk to. I've put the part of your post that jumped out at me in bold.

No it's not worth it in the long run.

He's married and working on his marriage, leave them to it.

kisskiss · 28-06-2010 10:17AM

Daisy Steiner wrote: »

I'm sorry to tell you that my advice is to run. Run away from this situation. He wasn't up front with you from the start, he's married and his wife doesn't need this extra worry.

Honestly, you'll find other people to talk to. I've put the part of your post that jumped out at me in bold.

No it's not worth it in the long run.

He's married and working on his marraige, leave them to it.

If he really wanted things to work with his wife he wouldn't be talking to me. Do you not think we could be just normal friends?

mood · 28-06-2010 10:17AM

Daisy Steiner wrote: »

I'm sorry to tell you that my advice is to run. Run away from this situation. He wasn't up front with you from the start, he's married and his wife doesn't need this extra worry.

Honestly, you'll find other people to talk to. I've put the part of your post that jumped out at me in bold.

No it's not worth it in the long run.

He's married and working on his marraige, leave them to it.

+1

mood · 28-06-2010 10:19AM

kisskiss wrote: »

If he really wanted things to work with his wife he wouldn't be talking to me. Do you not think we could be just normal friends?

No. He is probably trying to keep his wife but have an affair with you as well. He sounds like a pr*ck and has lied to the both of you. Run, run, run.

dublingal80 · 28-06-2010 10:27AM

as everyone else said - run

He was dishonest to you and his wife in the beginning. Him trying to work things out with the wife doesnt mean he is going to be dishonest with both of you again

Stay away. you will only get caught up in it all and you will end up as "the other woman"

There are so many nice single men out there. Please just delete his number and move on

Daisy Steiner · 28-06-2010 10:30AM

kisskiss wrote: »

If he really wanted things to work with his wife he wouldn't be talking to me. Do you not think we could be just normal friends?

I'm sorry kisskiss but I don't think so.

If he wanted to be your friend he would have been honest with you from the start.

Maybe he wants things to work with his wife, maybe he knows the marriage is in trouble and he is keeping you on the side-line?

Think about what you want from the friendship, would you be ok calling into his marital home as a friend?

His wife has already informed you of her existance, she called you up and broke the news that this guy is married, something he didn't feel the need to tell you about.

I think you had a spark with this guy that in other circumstances would have turned into a friendship or more but the reality is that he is married and should be emotionally available to his wife.

I'm sorry op, I don't mean to sound harsh, move on, you will make other friends. Ones that don't lie to you from the off.

Ps. If you are only waiting around to see if he'll dump the wife, you could be waiting a while. Why waste your time waiting for a friendship when you could be out meeting people who aren't already involved?

dudara · 28-06-2010 10:39AM

Why did his wife contact you? What did she talk to you about?

Warning bells would be going off in my head about this man's past if his wife feels the need to call people.

kisskiss · 28-06-2010 10:41AM

His wife found his phone with texts in it from me and called me to let me know he had a wife. She was not mad at me because I never knew about her. x

iguana · 28-06-2010 10:44AM

kisskiss wrote: »

If he really wanted things to work with his wife he wouldn't be talking to me. Do you not think we could be just normal friends?

So in your first sentence you acknowledge that any friendship with you is detrimental to his marriage. And in your second you ask if you really can't just be normal friends?

You clearly already know the answer, of course you can't just be normal friends. But I suspect you don't just want to be normal friends deep down. I think you want to be with him and a part of you is secretly hoping that this contact with you shows that he wants you more than his wife. You want to feel special to him.

And if that's how you feel that isn't your fault. You developed feelings for him when you thought he was a single man. Those feelings, the fantasy of what might come from them, won't just disappear because you know the truth about his marriage. You'll have them for a while and in time they'll fade, as long as you cut him out of your life. Tbh, you'd be well rid, he sounds like a douche, leading you on, damaging his marriage, hurting his wife, hurting you, then committing to work on his marriage while at the same time contacting you, which you know hurts his marriage all over again.

dublingal80 · 28-06-2010 10:44AM

kisskiss wrote: »

His wife found his phone with texts in it from me and called me to let me know he had a wife. She was not mad at me because I never knew about her. x

but you should be mad with him for lying to his wife and lying to you about being married and for you to find out from his wife like that.... was he ever gonna tell ya?

And is he really going to tell his wife that he is still going to be "friends" with you??? Nope!!!

Its really not going to end well, and only you can decide if you want to be a bit on the side to a married man, even if you dont think thats whats going to happen, or do you want to get out now, while you still have your dignity, with your head held high

Miss Fluff · 28-06-2010 10:47AM

kisskiss wrote: »

If he really wanted things to work with his wife he wouldn't be talking to me. Do you not think we could be just normal friends?

You're completely contradicting yourself. Why would you want to be "friends" with the guy when you said a few sentences earlier that you were starting to fall for him? Fess up and be honest. This whole "friends" business can't work while a. he is married and b. you have feelings for him.

Have nothing to do with him.

Sebastien De Valmont · 28-06-2010 10:48AM

He said we can be friends. I would like to be friends with him as we get on so well and I feel as if I can talk to him about anything. He has told me that he is going to a councilor and trying to work things out with his wife but still thinks we can be really good friends.

He's a liar.

He wants to keep his wife and he wants to womanise as well.

For all you know he could have a dozen women on the go at the same time.

He's telling you exactly what you want to hear so he can have sex with you.

Daisy Steiner · 28-06-2010 10:49AM

kisskiss wrote: »

His wife found his phone with texts in it from me and called me to let me know he had a wife. She was not mad at me because I never knew about her. x

Was she mad with him? I really feel for you with the situation you find yourself in. As iguana said, you fell a bit before you realised he was married, not your fault. However now you know the truth, please just turn your back and walk away.

I'm guessing it wasn't a nice experience getting a call from the guys wife, why on earth would you want to continue the relationship?

kisskiss · 28-06-2010 11:02AM

Thank you for your advice every1. I text him yesterday basically saying, if the councilling doesn't work out with ur wife text me then and maybe we can be friends until then I rather you didn't contact me. He repied with an "ok".

I just wanted to be friends with him because we got on so well

dublingal80 · 28-06-2010 11:10AM

kisskiss wrote: »

Thank you for your advice every1. I text him yesterday basically saying, if the councilling doesn't work out with ur wife text me then and maybe we can be friends until then I rather you didn't contact me. He repied with an "ok".

I just wanted to be friends with him because we got on so well

i can guarantee you that he will be in touch again via text trying to be friends.

I just couldnt imagine starting a relationship, even a friendship, that started out with such a big lie.

AnonoBoy · 28-06-2010 11:12AM

His definition of 'friends' and yours are very different I'd imagine.

Stay well away from him.

mood · 28-06-2010 11:30AM

kisskiss wrote: »

His wife found his phone with texts in it from me and called me to let me know he had a wife. She was not mad at me because I never knew about her. x

Sounds like it's not the first time he was caught contacting another woman!

If he contacts you telling you the counselling didn't work out how can you believe him? He already has proven beyond a doubt he is a lier!

kisskiss · 28-06-2010 11:56AM

Everyone is right I should cut communication with him fully. Once a lying cheating snake, always a lying cheating snake. The problem is now that I think about him constantly and want to text him. I deleted his number but know it of by heart. I am stopping myself from texting him but how will I keep my mind of him. I forget about him when I am busy but when I am on my own it is a totally different story..

dublingal80 · 28-06-2010 12:09PM

its totally understandable to want to contact him when you are alone. we all go through phases like that. but contacting him isnt going to do you any favours what so ever.

Have you told your friends about this? Because im sure if you got to a stage where you wanted to text him, they would tell you to text them instead or to phone them or to go out with them until you dont contact him

Every day that goes by without contacting him is easier than the day before

What i would suggest is to write a list as why you shouldnt be with him
eg
1-he is married
2-he is a liar etc

And when you want to contact him, go to your list, read it and you will know its not worth it

It is hard to break away from someone you have that connection with but you have to remember, he is married and he lied to you. You are never going to be number one in his life, ever.

Get out while you can sweetie because you could be easily sucked into an awful situation.

dollydimples82 · 28-06-2010 12:10PM

kisskiss wrote: »

Everyone is right I should cut communication with him fully. Once a lying cheating snake, always a lying cheating snake. The problem is now that I think about him constantly and want to text him. I deleted his number but know it of by heart. I am stopping myself from texting him but how will I keep my mind of him. I forget about him when I am busy but when I am on my own it is a totally different story..

Hi Kisskiss,

Everything everyone has said is true including the above! However that doesnt make it easy!
As much as i hate to say it, i was like you are now. I was involved with a married man, and i was asked to wait and see if the counselling worked and if it didnt we could be together!! God i am laugh at that now but not when it happened!!
Try to move on, its for the best. I did wait, i put up with lies, hurt, broken promises, broken trust, his wife getting pregnant (while they didnt sleep together!!), family holidays, romantic dinners for 2 for their anniversaries, birthdays, etc. It nearly killed me and i lost alot of my friends all because i was wiating for a phone call. You read magazines, etc, about the mistress and the dinners, presents, etc that they get, i got nothing. A few phone calls, texts, quick S**g. It took me a long time to cop on and if i could turn back the clock i would do what you could do now and RUN. It will be easier in the long run.
If you need someone to chat to, pm me anytime. I have been there!

Neyite · 28-06-2010 12:43PM

kisskiss wrote: »

I am stopping myself from texting him but how will I keep my mind of him. I forget about him when I am busy but when I am on my own it is a totally different story..

by reminding yourself of each and every time in the 9 months you and he were together, of how often he must have lied - deliberate or by omission.

start from the beginning when he met you first, and list every lie he told you, how did he tell you about himself and not mention his wife.

add every excuse he gave you for not being able to turn up on a night out, or stay over. think about how many times his wedding ring was in his pocket, while he was with you.

every time you reach for your phone, read that list. and get mad instead. why would you want a friend who, in each and every time you met, lied to you so horribly.

kisskiss · 28-06-2010 02:14PM

Every1 is correct. I will RUN and not look back

I wish I understood why people cheat on their partners that they apparently love so much

Elle Collins · 28-06-2010 02:41PM

kisskiss wrote: »

I wish I understood why people cheat on their partners that they apparently love so much

They do it in order to have a fun with a bit on the side while keeping the person who is their actual priority in the dark.

Elmer Blooker · 28-06-2010 03:53PM

Elle Collins wrote: »

They do it in order to have a fun with a bit on the side while keeping the person who is their actual priority in the dark.

How do you know it's "a bit on the side"? This married man may not have had sex with his wife in years. Anyway I've always thought that this "bit on the side" accusation is just another stick to beat men with!

Elle Collins · 28-06-2010 03:55PM

Elmer Blooker wrote: »

This married man may not have had sex with his wife in years.

Ever heard of divorce?

Denimgirl · 28-06-2010 04:02PM

kisskiss wrote: »

His wife found his phone with texts in it from me and called me to let me know he had a wife. She was not mad at me because I never knew about her. x

Stay away from him,your setting yourself up for a world of hurt!you now know he has a wife and your still staying in contact! so stay away!would you like a woman texting your husband and being close to him?Leave them to it!and you find your own single guy!

greengiant09 · 28-06-2010 05:26PM

not putting you down op cos you made the right decision but i find it mad how so many people get 'caught up' in other people.....to the point were they start making rediculous decisions and become 'bewitched' by the other person.

it really can't be healthy for someone to become like that.....i think a lot of people have the notion that they need someone or are waiting for someone to come along who will make them completely happy. i find this rediculous personally......happiness comes from within....it shouldn't be dependent on others.

i also have met people who are very good at 'playing' people....they know how to put them at ease and say all the right things....but it's all just a charade, they use them and then 'throw' them away when they had their kicks.

Elmer Blooker · 28-06-2010 07:39PM

Elle Collins wrote: »

Ever heard of divorce?

I've heard of divorce all right. The man loses everything and ends up in a flat penniless even though his wife was probably the one who rejected him!
Oh, and the legal profession get even more obscenely rich!

Memnoch · 28-06-2010 07:40PM

Am I being completely crazy here or was there something in the original post that I missed. But from what I've read this guy hasn't made any moves on you OP, or has he?

I understand ye were meeting up and chatting and texting quite often, but only as friends? Did he cross any lines? Kiss you or imply that he wanted to be more than friends?

Maybe it's just that his wife is a little bit of the jealous type. I agree with everyone else that you SHOULD keep away, but more for the reason that you falling for a married man is not healthy for you rather than because he is some kind of evil monster.

Maybe I'm being naieve, but I find this confusing. Usually people are always on about people in relationships having a right to have friends and that their partner doesn't get to decide who they are or aren't friends with.

So I'm finding it a bit wierd how this guy is being labelled as a cheat when he hasn't actually tried to cheat? Or has he?

Seeing a married man

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