Name Changing when married

sanj2408 · 10-06-2010 01:37PM #1

Hi all,

Ive had a look at the other threads on here but couldnt really see anything to do with name changes.
What is done these days? Is it still the norm for a married woman to take her husbands surname or do people do hyphens?
Reason I ask is because Im getting married this year and really want to keep my own name but DF thinks i should change it because thats whats "normally done"
Any thoughts welcome please and thanks....

Penny Dreadful · 10-06-2010 01:51PM

sanj2408 wrote: »

Hi all,

Ive had a look at the other threads on here but couldnt really see anything to do with name changes.
What is done these days? Is it still the norm for a married woman to take her husbands surname or do people do hyphens?
Reason I ask is because Im getting married this year and really want to keep my own name but DF thinks i should change it because thats whats "normally done"
Any thoughts welcome please and thanks....

Do what you want to do. Some people just can't wait to change to their husband's name, some think they're not married enough if they don't. Some people double barrell and others keep their own name.
Who cares whats "normally done", do what you would like to do.

kayos · 10-06-2010 01:56PM

Some will say go double barrel, some will retort but what happens when the kids get married.

Some will say take your husbands name, some will retort that its a old tradition and should not be followed any more. Even bordering on sexist (there is a better word but I forget it).

Then there is the just keep yours. Other will retort that this makes it very confusing for the kids.

Multiple choices, multiple arguements against each. You guys will just have to come to an agreement on what you two want.

I'm still not sure if my OH will be taking my name or not. To be honest for me its something I would like. Can I explain it fully? Nope. But at the end of the day the most important thing is your getting married.

kayos · 10-06-2010 01:57PM

Penny Dreadful wrote: »

Do what you want to do.

What a great start to any marrage a unilaterial decission.

NTC · 10-06-2010 02:00PM

My wife never changed her name, that was 7.5 years ago. No issue with me, why should it.

But I know she uses my names when she at meetings (e.g. weight watchers) and does not want people knowing her real name ????? I never really understood that TBH.

Long story short, do what ever you want. When you and you husband are invited to events you will be called "the whatevers" anyway

brokensoul · 10-06-2010 02:02PM

I am getting married in August and i have decided to take my husbands name as i like the idea of us ( and our children hopefully) all having the same name.

I think it is an entirely personal choice, my OH did not expect me to change my name. I have encountered a few women who had a problem with the idea of me taking my OHs name, and i dont understand why, to be honest.

All women are named for some man, the only choice is whether you are named for your father or your husband. It is a patriarcal system either way.

Beruthiel · 10-06-2010 02:18PM

sanj2408 wrote: »

Reason I ask is because Im getting married this year and really want to keep my own name but DF thinks i should change it because thats whats "normally done"

Who cares what's 'normally done'
I won't be changing mine.

iguana · 10-06-2010 02:28PM

Another option is to use either name depending on the circumstance. I use my own name for anything relating to work or personal issues I'm involved in. I use my married name at the doctors and the vets, anything which is a 'family' issue. My passport has both names as the surname, not hyphenated.

suzieled · 10-06-2010 02:32PM

I know a few that are not changing their names straight away, due to their profession and they dont want to go around changing email addresses/signs etc. But they said once they start to have children they will change their name.

I will probably do something very similar even though when I told my OH I wasnt changing it al all (which I was joking), he wasnt impressed at all. It still means awful lot to some people but are you one of those?

:)

artyeva · 10-06-2010 02:51PM

i won't be changing mine. i like my surname, and i'm the last in a long line of many generations to have it - so someone wuld have to kill me beofre i'd give it up :mad: ''...from my cold dead hands...'', etc etc

i've never understood that idea of taking your husband's name anyway - way too archaic for me. i was my own person with my own identity before i met him and my name is part of that identity. if we don't call our kids my surname then the surname dies with me - and that makes me really really upset when i think about it, so i try not to. we've come to a compromise that our kids will be double-barrelled with his name-my name...

How Strange · 10-06-2010 02:54PM

I've decided to change mine much to everyone's suprise including my OH. I just like the idea of us being a family with a shared name. I probably won't change it in work as it's too much hassle with business cards etc but I'll gradually change it on passport, drivers licence etc.

I've no problem with changing my name and I don't believe in the 'it's old fashioned and a sign of ownership' thing. So is marriage if you want to think of it like that.

My OH didn't care whether I changed it or not so it was definitely my decision.

BC · 10-06-2010 02:56PM

iguana wrote: »

Another option is to use either name depending on the circumstance. I use my own name for anything relating to work or personal issues I'm involved in. I use my married name at the doctors and the vets, anything which is a 'family' issue. My passport has both names as the surname, not hyphenated.

This is what i'll be doing. I won't change my name for work and my friends will always know me by my maiden name. But for things like booking holidays together i'll use my married name.

I don't plan to change any of my documentation in the immediate term but as things like passports and driving licences come up for renewal then I probably will change them.

Penny Dreadful · 10-06-2010 03:32PM

kayos wrote: »

What a great start to any marrage a unilaterial decission.

I didn't mean the individual "you" I meant the collective "you" as in you two decide what you would like to do. Get me now?

kayos · 10-06-2010 03:34PM

artyeva wrote: »

i won't be changing mine. i like my surname, and i'm the last in a long line of many generations to have it - so someone wuld have to kill me beofre i'd give it up :mad: ''...from my cold dead hands...'', etc etc

i've never understood that idea of taking your husband's name anyway - way too archaic for me. i was my own person with my own identity before i met him and my name is part of that identity. if we don't call our kids my surname then the surname dies with me - and that makes me really really upset when i think about it, so i try not to. we've come to a compromise that our kids will be double-barrelled with his name-my name...

The above minus what I struck out is basicly my OH's view.

Thing is if we go the double barrel its like this.

You might only have female children. If they marry they may not keep the mothers part of the double barrel if getting married. They also might take their husbands name when marrying.

So even with your good intentions of keeping the family name alive it might not happen. And any way to me it would still be dead as soon as you double barrel it any way. Cause its no longer the "bloggs" familly name its the "bloggs-smith" familly name.

But every one has their reasons for wanting or not wanting an option. I just fail to see the keeping the family name alive arguement. Its not even why I would like my OH to take my name. Its more of two becoming one and the fact I hate double barrels.

kayos · 10-06-2010 03:42PM

Penny Dreadful wrote: »

I didn't mean the individual "you" I meant the collective "you" as in you two decide what you would like to do. Get me now?

Sure as hell did not read that way

.

sanj2408 · 10-06-2010 04:46PM

Thanks for all your comments.
We already have a son and he has fiances name already thats my main doubt, Id like to have the same surname as him.
I dont have any brothers and Im the eldest and I like my name which is mainly why Im a bit adamant about changing it but at the same time I would like to take his name but I don't think we'll be any more married by doing so.

I think I might do the two names thing - my own name for work etc and married name for schools, doctors and other family things.

Thanks again everyone!

Heineken Helen · 11-06-2010 08:02PM

I won't be changing mine... it's who I am and getting married doesn't make me somebody else. I'm not joining his family, we're becoming our own family... but neither of these means anybody has to change their name. He's quite upset about me not taking his name... but I asked him how he'd feel if he had to change his and he may have understood that a little. Anyway, MAYBE if it becomes a big issue down the line... but I really don't see how it would. I know some couples who have different names and it works for them. We'll let it work too... it's only an issue if you make it one.

katts · 11-06-2010 11:56PM

I spent quite some time debating this one. I feel my surname is a large part of who I am, so really didn't want to lose it. On the other hand, I didn't want us to have totally separate names, especially if there would be kids in the future. I don't like the idea of using different names in different places; I want one name, whichever that is. I also much prefer my name to his, for various reasons - it sounds better, is shorter, Irish, and easy to spell.

I was quite decided to go double barreled for a while - it sounds a bit ugly but I figured that was just because I wasn't used to it, and it seemed the best of both worlds. What changed my mind was that I kept noticing families being referred to by a group name - "We're going to go visit the Smiths today" or "The Murphys called by" etc - and I really liked that - I felt that didn't work if one of us was double barreled, and so one name seemed best. Now naturally I'd prefer if that was my name, but I can understand that due to society, that would be odd, and commented on, etc. Shouldn't be that way, but there you go, and I'm not going to make him go through the effort of breaking the mould and being peculiar, so I'll let him off. So there you go - I'm taking his name.

I'll probably try to keep mine as an extra middle name, just to kid myself that I'm not totally losing it :rolleyes:

Alliandre · 12-06-2010 09:34PM

I don't really mind changing my name. It's a very common and boring surname anyway. The only thing that would bother me is trying to change it on everything, but that would all get sorted after a while. I just really like the idea of us both having the same surname.

Chinafoot · 12-06-2010 09:41PM

kayos wrote: »

I just fail to see the keeping the family name alive arguement. Its not even why I would like my OH to take my name. Its more of two becoming one and the fact I hate double barrels.

So why don't you take your partner's name?

As for your unilateral decision comment...its her name, and it ultimately is her decision. If there is no room for compromise she absolutely should do what she wants to do.

kayos · 14-06-2010 10:44AM

Chinafoot wrote: »

So why don't you take your partner's name?

Ya know the way a lot of Spike Lee's superheros all have names with the same letter that sound like a cartoon? Well tbh thats the crix of me not taking her name.

Chinafoot wrote: »

As for your unilateral decision comment...its her name, and it ultimately is her decision. If there is no room for compromise she absolutely should do what she wants to do.

Hmm if thats the way you see thats the way you see it. But most people will agree that a marriage/relationships can only work when both partners agree, if they can not agree they dicuss and come to some happy middle ground. One partner making a choice that effects both people without taking the other into consideration or even talking to them? Thats just a poor way to be in a relationship never mind a marriage. You think its ok for a wife to not let the husband know she has stopped the pill and is trying to get preggers?

I'm not saying the OP should take her partners name, I'm not saying she shouldnt either. But this is one of those things that comes up at the start of their married life together and the dicussion about this issue should happen between them. THe OP just refusing point blank to take her partners opinions into account is just a bad way to start a marriage.

See what I did there? A marriage is about sharing everything and always being mindful and respectful of each others feelings. Hense I highlighted all the plural's not the singulars like you did.

sanj2408 · 14-06-2010 03:11PM

kayos wrote: »

THe OP just refusing point blank to take her partners opinions into account is just a bad way to start a marriage.

I didnt say I was not going to take his opinions into account. I will decide what I want and discuss it with him to talk out the views and concerns of both.
I don't think a comparison to deciding to have a baby is really appropriate as his name will stay the same regardless without much impact on his own life.
Having a baby is a huge step to take and a decision which should be made as a couple.
Its me who would be changing my name so ultimately, yes, it is my decision. If my fiance loves and respects me (as he does) he will understand that.

Chinafoot · 15-06-2010 06:14PM

kayos wrote: »

Hmm if thats the way you see thats the way you see it. But most people will agree that a marriage/relationships can only work when both partners agree, if they can not agree they dicuss and come to some happy middle ground.

Fail to see the part of my post that said "if there is no room for compromise"? For example, neither want a double barrell name or she ultimately wants to keep her name and not take his.

kayos wrote: »

One partner making a choice that effects both people without taking the other into consideration or even talking to them? Thats just a poor way to be in a relationship never mind a marriage.

Explain to me how, in this day and age, her not taking his name affects him? She, nor I, never said there would be no discussion so please don't put words in my mouth, thanks.

kayos wrote: »

You think its ok for a wife to not let the husband know she has stopped the pill and is trying to get preggers?

That is one of the most ridiculous analogies I've ever heard on this subject. You're actually equating a woman deciding to keep her own name with a woman deceiving her husband and trying to get pregnant?! Yes, you're right, thats *exactly* the same thing. :rolleyes:

kayos wrote: »

I'm not saying the OP should take her partners name, I'm not saying she shouldnt either. But this is one of those things that comes up at the start of their married life together and the dicussion about this issue should happen between them. THe OP just refusing point blank to take her partners opinions into account is just a bad way to start a marriage.

How has she refused point blank?? She has come here and asked a question because her husband wants her to change it as it's "the done thing."

Where did she say there would be no discussion? She didn't. Where did I say there was no discussion? Oh thats right...I didn't. Just to point it out to you again since you clearly missed the point quite spectacularly there...*IF* a compromise *can not* be reached, the decision ultimately falls to her as it is her name. No amount of discussing will change that if neither can agree. You might not like it, but since she is the one who is expected to change her name, she is the one who should decide.

kayos wrote: »

See what I did there? A marriage is about sharing everything and always being mindful and respectful of each others feelings. Hense I highlighted all the plural's not the singulars like you did.

Nah what you did there was jump to conclusions based on very little, put words in both the OPs and my mouth and pretty much didn't read the posts properly. Well done you.

kayos · 16-06-2010 10:04AM

Chna read my first post..... I gave the common options, some very common arguements against them and I said its up to the couple to decide what they want.

My unilaterial comment was in response to Penny Dreadful. Because there is no room on a healthy relationships for unilaterial decissions no matter what the subject is. My "stopping taking the pill", while out there, is the same thing its a unilaterial choice made by one partner. Heres another the man decides that he is taking a job in Abu Dabi and comes home and tells the wife "honey pack your bags I've sold the house, bought one over there and enroled the kids in a school too. We fly out in the morning" I use out there analogies simply because it shows that while the subject is totally unrelated the process behind it is the same. One partner making a choice with out consulting the other. And before people say I'm saying this is what the op said or that china this is what your suggesting its not. Its what I took from Penny's post. Ok are we clear on that? And penny did then come back and say she ment the royal "you" although the underlining really does not suggest this to me.

I never ment my post to say the OP refused point blank again it was about the unilaterial choice as I took Penny to be suggesting. What I wrote was not clear and when read again does come across with a totally different meaning than intented.

So we all clear OP I never ment to suggest you were not talking to your partner. Read my first post I thought that was reasonable.

All along I've been saying a relationship has been about the pair, about the union and the agreement of both partners. That they have a united front. I really though that was a good thing. But no I get attacked for it.

sanj2408 · 16-06-2010 10:26AM

Ive read and re-read your posts and still can't see how you were putting forward an even slightly rational comparison on the subject. Your comparisons are inappropriate for the subject being discussed.
Maybe you should put your point across more clearly in future.

kayos · 16-06-2010 10:51AM

sanj2408 wrote: »

Ive read and re-read your posts and still can't see how you were putting forward an even slightly rational comparison on the subject. Your comparisons are inappropriate for the subject being discussed.
Maybe you should put your point across more clearly in future.

I am not trying to compare stopping the pill and changing names. I'm showing that unilaterial decissions no matter what the topic have no place in any relationship. I even said that in my last post. The subject was not the pill or name changing it was making choices without talking to a partner. Which as I said in my last post is not something you said. It was in response to penny's post, which china then said was right. But at least she said if there was no room for compramise.

If you read my last post I expressly point this out. And gave another example equally as unrelated to the name change business but with the same unilaterial process being used.

Look OP as I said in my first post talk to your partner and come to an agreement that you both agree on. Hope you both have a happy wedding and life together.

Chinafoot · 16-06-2010 11:38AM

kayos wrote: »

My unilaterial comment was in response to Penny Dreadful. Because there is no room on a healthy relationships for unilaterial decissions no matter what the subject is.

Penny Dreadful had already clarified what she meant before your "point blank" comment.

kayos wrote: »

My "stopping taking the pill", while out there, is the same thing its a unilaterial choice made by one partner. Heres another the man decides that he is taking a job in Abu Dabi and comes home and tells the wife "honey pack your bags I've sold the house, bought one over there and enroled the kids in a school too. We fly out in the morning" I use out there analogies simply because it shows that while the subject is totally unrelated the process behind it is the same.

The effects of the decision are nowhere near the same so you're not in anyway comparing like with like. Her deciding to keep her name will in no way change their relationship unless he is some sort of chauvinistic moron who feels like he'll be less of a man. His only argument for her changing has been "its the done thing." Thats very weak.

kayos wrote: »

One partner making a choice with out consulting the other. And before people say I'm saying this is what the op said or that china this is what your suggesting its not. Its what I took from Penny's post. Ok are we clear on that? And penny did then come back and say she ment the royal "you" although the underlining really does not suggest this to me.

Why are you nitpicking at Penny? She clarified what she meant and yet you're still banging on about one partner not consulting the other when you have no evidence that this is the case here. This is in no way relevant to the OP. Nowhere did she indicate that there would be no discussion.

kayos wrote: »

I never ment my post to say the OP refused point blank again it was about the unilaterial choice as I took Penny to be suggesting.

Again, Penny clarified her post before your "point blank" comment.

kayos wrote: »

What I wrote was not clear and when read again does come across with a totally different meaning than intented.

Should probably read the thread properly before posting then, eh?

kayos wrote: »

So we all clear OP I never ment to suggest you were not talking to your partner. Read my first post I thought that was reasonable.

All along I've been saying a relationship has been about the pair, about the union and the agreement of both partners. That they have a united front. I really though that was a good thing.

Nobody is saying otherwise. You are the one who has picked one comment, that has since been clarified, from someone who is not the person looking for advice and you ran with it.

kayos wrote: »

But no I get attacked for it.

:rolleyes:

OP, you're right, if your partner respect you he'll understand that changing your name as it's "the done thing" is not reason enough for you to want to make that change. Its your name, and deciding to keep it does not mean you're not "together" or "united" in the relationship. Best of luck

iguana · 16-06-2010 11:51AM

kayos wrote: »

My unilaterial comment was in response to Penny Dreadful. Because there is no room on a healthy relationships for unilaterial decissions no matter what the subject is. My "stopping taking the pill", while out there, is the same thing its a unilaterial choice made by one partner. Heres another the man decides that he is taking a job in Abu Dabi and comes home and tells the wife "honey pack your bags I've sold the house, bought one over there and enroled the kids in a school too. We fly out in the morning" I use out there analogies simply because it shows that while the subject is totally unrelated the process behind it is the same. One partner making a choice with out consulting the other.

It's perfectly fine to make a choice without consulting your partner if it doesn't affect your partner or if it affects your partner in a small way. A few years ago I had to fire one of my staff at work, it was a huge decision, it meant that for a little while I would need to make some adjustments to my work hours and I was emotionally upset at the decision I made. But it had nothing whatsoever to do with my husband and he wasn't consulted on it.

And that's a much more apt comparison. Whether a woman changes her name or not has nothing at all to do with her husband. He might like it if she did but at the end of the day it has no impact whatsoever on his life so he doesn't have any right to be involved in the decision. The names of their children is a different matter and both parents have to come to a compromise on that.

Zulu · 16-06-2010 11:59AM

If you were following tradition, you'd take his surname. IF you were following tradition.

My OH will take my name. I won't entertain the current double barrelled madness fad. It wasn't a big issue for her, but she wants to have the same name of our children.

TBH I don't think I'd agree to a church wedding otherwise. I don't see the point in "cherry picking" traditions.

kayos · 16-06-2010 12:37PM

China I've said my point blank comment did not read as intended and in the same post that you give out to me for reading someones post that did not come out as intended and attack me for not letting go you are doing the exact same thing.

Oh and nit picking? Your the one breaking my posts into how many quotes? And ignoring what doesnt suit you as well. I may be a pot but China your the kettle.

I said sorry, I explained what I ment and you still attack? And when doing so do the exact same thing your attacking me for?

kayos · 16-06-2010 12:56PM

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Name Changing when married

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