Really annoyed at selfish "friend".

LegacyUser · 09-06-2010 12:06pm #1

5 or 6 months ago, a friend asked if I'd go on holiday with her to a country she'd always wanted to visit. It sounded fun, so I agreed. She was really keen and organised the itinery of places we'd visit. We booked our plane tickets, hostels, etc and, because we don't live near each other, agreed to keep in contact by email. At first she phoned and emailed me regularly but then the contact trickled off. When she hadn't responded to my emails in a while, I sent her one (a few weeks ago) asking if she still wanted to go. She finally answered and said, yes of course she still wants to go, the holidays is organised and partially paid for so she's definitely coming.

So I thought everything was fine. Now, with less than 2 weeks to go, she phones me, and without so much as a "how's your father," says she's not sure if she's coming or not. She says she has less money now than she thought she would have. However, she says her parents are willing to bail her out financially so that she can still make the holiday. But she says she doesn't really want to take money from them, especially since she's moving abroad for a job placement soon and she'll need them to help with money for that. She also says her university graduation is very near the date of our holiday, and while she knew that before she booked, she has changed her mind about it being ok to go on holiday so near that date. She asked me if I mind her not coming on holiday with me (like, oh yeah, I'm fine with being dumped at the last minute and having to wander around strange places on my own now) and I just said, "Well there's not much I can do about it is there?"

She said she's going to think about whether she's coming or not and get back to me today. I have already decided that if she drops me at the last minute, I won't keep in contact with her any more, and I will still go on holiday by myself (although I may need to change some of the destinations as some of them could be too dangerous to travel though alone.)

I am really upset, I can't believe that she is doing this, especially as her parents are willing to help. She should have taken better care of her finances, she knew she had this commitment, and as for her graduation date being a problem, she knew that before she booked! I don't know how you can cancel on someone at the last minute for something like this. I don't know what advice I want, I am just really upset now, and scared at the thought of going on holiday alone as it's quite a dangerous country we are supposed to be visiting. I am also worried about finding my way from place to place as I have no sense of direction and am terrible at map-reading etc. Also, I was so looking forward to a fun girls' holiday with a friend, it won't be the same alone. Right now I just think she's an evil cow and I can't help hoping that she fails her degree and doesn't get this job placement! Really, I just need to rant and talk to people about it.

Miss Fluff · 09-06-2010 12:35pm

What a selfish mare. Well she'd obviously in the dumped friend pile now I take it? If so, no more Mrs. Nice Guy. Have you email records of her suggesting the holiday/itinerary etc etc? If so ask her to reimburse the money you forked out in good faith to go on what you thought was a holiday with the two of you. If not, threaten to take her to the small claims court (they deal with claims under €1,000). If you are not that intrepid a traveller and it is genuinely a dangerous place to go, then you need to think carefully about whether it's a good idea to go or not. She sounds like a total cow by the way, better off without friends like that....

09-06-2010 12:40pm

if she is not going do you have another friend whose name you could put on the bookings to come with you?

Ickle Magoo · 09-06-2010 12:53pm

Yep, first things first, is there anyone you know that would take the place? If she won't get a refund then surely they can have her place less what she's paid plus costs for changing names and spending money?

LegacyUser · 09-06-2010 1:57pm

No, I've already asked around, no-one is able to afford it, or come on holiday at such short notice. I mean, it's like 10 days away. I'm going to have to go alone. I do want to go though, I've been looking forward to it this whole time. I just thought it would be so fun the 2 of us. I just don't understand how she can do this to me, plus why she doesn't seem upset about missing the holiday, I mean she is the one whose idea it is, it's her who wanted to go here and she was so keen before, now it sounds like she just doesn't want to go. And I don't know how she could decide this at such short notice, especially when just a few weeks ago she said she was still definitely coming. And how can she realise only 10 days beforehand that she doesn't have enough money? And if she doesn't want her parents paying for it, why not just accept a loan from them and pay it back later? The whole thing just seems very weird to me.

Denimgirl · 09-06-2010 3:10pm

What a biatch! I would never speak to her again if she does this on you it was you that was doing her a favour by going and has put your money down and i would let her know this don't let her away with this to easy!say OK I was only going to his country coz you asked me to so now your worried about your money but what about my money? tell you what I'm gonna let you think about what you can do to get me out of this and call me back,she has no qualms of telling you she might not be going yet your at a loss if you don't want to go alone!people like her make my blood boil!! sorry lol

fungun · 09-06-2010 3:13pm

Denimgirl wrote: »

say OK I was only going to his country coz you asked me to so now your worried about your money but what about my money? tell you what I'm gonna let you think about what you can do to get me out of this and call me back,

this

LegacyUser · 09-06-2010 3:36pm

She says that she knows someone who is in the country, and can try and put me in contact with them. However, this is useless as the itinery which is already booked and partially paid for, involves travelling from place to place, not staying in that one place the whole time (and that can't be changed as the return plane ticket is actually from a different country than we are supposed to be flying to, we're meant to fly to one country, travel across it on the train stopping for a few days in each village along the way, then cross over into a different country, stay there for 4 days before flying home from there, no-one would undertake such an expedition at such short notice.)

She seems to think that I won't mind going on holiday alone as I've done it before. However the circumstance there was totally different. At that time I just went to a popular tourist resort, stayed there in one place (where everyone spoke English) for one week and then came home. That is totally different to travelling all over the place, somewhere wild and not really that frequented by tourists, somewhere where the majority of people don't even speak English.

From the tone of her voice, it sounds like she really thinks that I won't mind her not coming. But of course I do mind, very much. Although I am keen to visit this place, it's something I'd never dreamed have doing alone, and wouldn't have booked it if it wasn't for her. But there's no point threatening her with small claims, because I have decided I will still go. I just still don't understand her mindset at all. I don't know where she is coming from, her excuses sound lame, I don't know what she is thinking.

When she calls back, if she says she's not coming, I just don't know what to say to her.

Chinafoot · 09-06-2010 5:24pm

verydisappointed wrote: »

When she calls back, if she says she's not coming, I just don't know what to say to her.

To be honest OP, it sounds like its not going to be any other result judging from what you've said. Offering to put you in touch with the person she knows and having a fairly blasé attitude to you going alone would indicate that she's made her mind up on not going.

Its a really, really shít situation and I don't think anyone can blame you for being angry and upset. Personally I'd be absolutely livid and she certainly wouldn't ever be in my company again. She has given an incredibly weak excuse because like you say, why did she only realise 10 days before departure that she might not be able to afford it? Had she suddenly smashed-up her car/needed a new boiler in her house/insert other emergency cash-drain here...then fair enough. However, she hasn't.

If she does bail, I think that you should write her off as a crap friend and forget her. Go and have a fantastic time. Will you be staying in any hostels along the way? You'll be amazed how quickly you can meet people in the same position as you. Some may even be heading in the same direction as you.

I hope it all works out for you and have a brilliant holiday

Denimgirl · 09-06-2010 5:28pm

verydisappointed wrote: »

She says that she knows someone who is in the country, and can try and put me in contact with them. However, this is useless as the itinery which is already booked and partially paid for, involves travelling from place to place, not staying in that one place the whole time (and that can't be changed as the return plane ticket is actually from a different country than we are supposed to be flying to, we're meant to fly to one country, travel across it on the train stopping for a few days in each village along the way, then cross over into a different country, stay there for 4 days before flying home from there, no-one would undertake such an expedition at such short notice.)

She seems to think that I won't mind going on holiday alone as I've done it before. However the circumstance there was totally different. At that time I just went to a popular tourist resort, stayed there in one place (where everyone spoke English) for one week and then came home. That is totally different to travelling all over the place, somewhere wild and not really that frequented by tourists, somewhere where the majority of people don't even speak English.

From the tone of her voice, it sounds like she really thinks that I won't mind her not coming. But of course I do mind, very much. Although I am keen to visit this place, it's something I'd never dreamed have doing alone, and wouldn't have booked it if it wasn't for her. But there's no point threatening her with small claims, because I have decided I will still go. I just still don't understand her mindset at all. I don't know where she is coming from, her excuses sound lame, I don't know what she is thinking.

When she calls back, if she says she's not coming, I just don't know what to say to her.

she saying it with "that tone" like you don't mind is all an act she knows damn well she leaving you in the lurch she trying to blow smoke up your a** by playing it off as not a big thing don't mention going alone and let her know your not happy with this and she need to come up with an idea of how to get your money back OMG she is the most self absorbed person!! put her on a major guilt trip and tell her you were only going on this holiday coz she wanted to go there you would'nt have otherwise! it's sad to think you being such a good mate will ruin your trust in other genuine friends in the future over this bint!

ananas · 09-06-2010 5:32pm

Wow, she really left you in the lurch. Is it honestly worth it being friends with her anymore when she's shafted you so badly? If she thinks that her behaviour is acceptable why don't you show her the responses on this thread that are completely unbiased.

If I were you OP, I kick her to the kerb. You don't need thoughtless friends like that.

LegacyUser · 09-06-2010 6:09pm

She still hasn't called back to give me her final answer about whether she's coming, I can't believe she is still leaving me hanging. Even though I'm still going to go, what do you think about me telling her that I can't face going alone, and so expect her to refund me for my plane tichets and hostel deposits? If she says no, then I could mention small claims court. If she has to cough something up, at least it will get her back a bit.

Unregistered39 · 09-06-2010 7:08pm

Whether she ends up going or not, check out the Thorn Tree on the Lonely Planet website for travelling companions. It really is easy to meet people in hostels and tag along. If you're on your own, you'll meet other travellers for company; if you're with her a few extra bodies will stop you killing her.

http://www.lonelyplanet.com/thorntree/forum.jspa?forumID=39

stupidusername · 09-06-2010 10:53pm

verydisappointed wrote: »

She still hasn't called back to give me her final answer about whether she's coming, I can't believe she is still leaving me hanging. Even though I'm still going to go, what do you think about me telling her that I can't face going alone, and so expect her to refund me for my plane tichets and hostel deposits? If she says no, then I could mention small claims court. If she has to cough something up, at least it will get her back a bit.

Any word from her yet? I would say if you don't want to go by yourself, and I wouldn't blame you, then ya definitely tell her that if she's not going then she owes you X amount. Though going by what you've said about her I wouldn't expect her to actually give you anything. She sounds spoilt, and it sounds like she just changed her mind about going, which is having a big impact on you, and she doesn't care.

steddyeddy · 09-06-2010 11:02pm

verydisappointed wrote: »

No, I've already asked around, no-one is able to afford it, or come on holiday at such short notice. I mean, it's like 10 days away. I'm going to have to go alone. I do want to go though, I've been looking forward to it this whole time. I just thought it would be so fun the 2 of us. I just don't understand how she can do this to me, plus why she doesn't seem upset about missing the holiday, I mean she is the one whose idea it is, it's her who wanted to go here and she was so keen before, now it sounds like she just doesn't want to go. And I don't know how she could decide this at such short notice, especially when just a few weeks ago she said she was still definitely coming. And how can she realise only 10 days beforehand that she doesn't have enough money? And if she doesn't want her parents paying for it, why not just accept a loan from them and pay it back later? The whole thing just seems very weird to me.

blank this stupid cow dont even give her an explanation, you poor girl i admire the fact you want to go through with it though so fair play to you, you dont deserve that.

Denimgirl · 10-06-2010 12:35am

verydisappointed wrote: »

She still hasn't called back to give me her final answer about whether she's coming, I can't believe she is still leaving me hanging. Even though I'm still going to go, what do you think about me telling her that I can't face going alone, and so expect her to refund me for my plane tichets and hostel deposits? If she says no, then I could mention small claims court. If she has to cough something up, at least it will get her back a bit.

Yes ,say exactly that if she says she's not going.see what she has to say about that

LegacyUser · 10-06-2010 8:01am

Well, she had promised that she'd give me her final decision yesterday, but she still hasn't bothered to be in contact. I even emailed her to ask her to just give me an outright answer, but she hasn't. So, I will assume that she's not coming and is just too pathetic to tell me outright. I am not going to bother asker her for money or anything, I just won't talk to her any more, I don't want to waste any more energy or upset on her. Now that I am resigned to this, I worry what will happen if she says that she is coming after all. Now I don't want her to come because I can't trust her, and if we went together I'd always be worried about what she'd do, especially as she was pushy when booking the holiday and only concerned that she gets to do what she wants, gets to visit the places she wants etc. She even made me pay for some of her hostel deposit on my credit card, claiming that she'd pay me back at the time we went. I was so stupid! When booking, she even threw a hissy fit like a small spoilt child, because I needed to use a different website than the one she was looking at to book the accommodation. I had to use a different website as the one she was looking at was having technical problems at my end, but she whined and had a go at me because she had "spent so much time looking through this one already." I am going to cancel her share of the booking that I paid for on my card so that I won't be charged the full amount. If she later says that she is coming, I will say something to the effect of:

As you're unsure, I think it's better that you just don't come at all as I don't want to be let down or left in the lurch while I'm there. As you gave the impression that you weren't coming and didn't get back to me about it when you said you would, I just assumed that you were definitely not coming, so I've cancelled your hostel booking that I made with my credit card anyway.

If she complains about that, I'll say:

Well, I obviously can't trust your word and I am not prepared to waste any more money paying for accommodation that you're not going to use. I don't want to spend my holiday constantly worrying about what you're going to do next, so I've decided that I will travel alone.

up for anything · 10-06-2010 9:43am

Instead of raging on here and planning passive aggressive action, may I suggest that you phone her, not email, and tell her what you said in your last post and mention the small claims court. Get it all out in the open and at least you will know where you stand and can plan what to do accordingly.

dublingal80 · 10-06-2010 10:11am

stop emailing her.

Call her once. If you get a voicemail, leave a brief message asking her to call you back. And after that Id leave it. She doesnt seem like the type of person who really gives a crap so id stop emailing or texting her

She really isnt worth your time, $*£$% £($**$

Redpunto · 10-06-2010 5:50pm

Have to agree, with an issue like this you need not to text or email, you need to call her. There is no point going through a 100 difference responses to 100 different outcomes. Tell her how you feel, dont assume she knows (even though she probably does) and explain in a calm manner the money she needs to reimburse you. Once reimbursed have no contact again. She sounds like a flaker, what age is she anyway?

!!! · 10-06-2010 9:18pm

Aww well look on the brightside, as you'll be alone you'll make friends in an instant! I've travelled alone before (to a third world country volunteering) and I always approached people who were alone in attempts to make friends, haha (in a non-weird way I promise!). It was amazing and I'd do it again. ENJOY

10-06-2010 9:33pm

Jaysus what an absolute cow. I was going to say, perhaps she's depressed or something happened but feck that. I've been really depressed and in some bad situations and I'd still never let someone down so badly. There must be something wrong with her if she thinks this is all fine and you won't mind. It's totally different travelling alone to with someone else. Like other people have suggested, could you find a replacement or arrange a travel buddy online? Or change your plans in whatever way you can to make it safer for you alone? This really sucks for you but I hope you can travel safely and make the most of your trip - hopefully you'll meet people in a hostel to hang out with.

And if I were you, I'd cut off all contact with this 'friend'. She doesn't sound like a friend to me.

LegacyUser · 11-06-2010 9:07am

hey I really feel for your situation. I can't believe a "friend" would do something like that. It seems she is completely selfish and has no consideration for you whatsoever. She should be begging your forgiveness and hounding you on the phone to make sure you have everything you need for this holiday by yourself, instead she is not even responding to your emails? This girl is no friend to you. If I was you the only email I would send is one telling her how disappointed you are with her selfish atitude and that you want nothing to do with her anymore. Take the holiday on your own and make the most of it and totally forget about this friend. I wouldn't be contacting her again. Sounds like maybe you would have a better time on your own if she is that selfish.

LegacyUser · 11-06-2010 3:36pm

Update: Today she finally sent me this message:

Dear ****, sorry I am not going to be going. I hope you have a fantastic time, I put you in contact with people there should you need help.

I have just sent this back:

Well thanks alot. What kind of person bails out out on someone at the last minute like this? The holiday was originally your idea and you are the one who wanted to visit those particular countries. I am not going all the way across those places by myself. I paid for my plane and train tickets and hostel deposits in good faith (as well as one of your hostel deposits), and I expect you to refund me fully for those.

LegacyUser · 11-06-2010 3:48pm

Also, I just phoned a solicitor to check, I can't take her to small claims court for this, so there is no point threatening it. I can't legally do anything.

Mary Hairy · 11-06-2010 4:24pm

I blame the parents.

LegacyUser · 11-06-2010 5:01pm

I can't believe this, I'm actually shaking right now. She phoned me just now and without even saying hello, began shouting at me, saying "why should I pay for a holiday that I don't particularly want to go on and can't afford?" I tried to stay calm and explained that it was her who agreed and then backed out.

She said that in my email I'd said it was ok if she didn't come and I replied "I didn't say it was ok, I said what can I do about it?"

She said well thats the same thing and I said, "No it's not, what can I do about it means I can't drag you there by the hair, it doesn't mean it's ok, of course its not ok."

Then she started saying to me, "WHy should I pay, you don't even have a job, what are you living off?"

It's true I don't have a job, I've just left university and am living with my parents. I have money for a holiday because I have savings because I'm careful with my money. Anyway I answered:
"I live with my parents, so what if I don't ave a job, what has that got to do with it?"

She said "So because you live off your parents that means I should take money from mine?"

Then she said, "I'm going to talk to someone about this," And then she hung up! Her tone was so rude, she isn't sorry at all! She is acting as if I've done something wrong! And if she didn't want to go on holiday, why suggest it?

LegacyUser · 11-06-2010 6:51pm

Op as much as it sucks that she bailed you can still have a fantastic trip on your own. I've traveled all over the world and in dangerous countries on my own (I'm female). I find you meet people so easily when alone and can easily hook up and travel with others. Especially as you are staying at hostels - great place to meet other travelers. I actually enjoy traveling
'alone' and really I have always ended up not really alone as I've met people along the way.
One of the other posters mentioned the Thorn Tree on Lonely Planet - i agree put a post on there on the country you are going to. Given how she is acting you are fortunate to go alone!
Have a wonderful, fantastic trip!

Sir Oxman · 11-06-2010 7:26pm

verydisappointed wrote: »

I can't believe this, I'm actually shaking right now. She phoned me just now and without even saying hello, began shouting at me, saying "why should I pay for a holiday that I don't particularly want to go on and can't afford?" I tried to stay calm and explained that it was her who agreed and then backed out.

She said that in my email I'd said it was ok if she didn't come and I replied "I didn't say it was ok, I said what can I do about it?"

She said well thats the same thing and I said, "No it's not, what can I do about it means I can't drag you there by the hair, it doesn't mean it's ok, of course its not ok."

Then she started saying to me, "WHy should I pay, you don't even have a job, what are you living off?"

It's true I don't have a job, I've just left university and am living with my parents. I have money for a holiday because I have savings because I'm careful with my money. Anyway I answered:
"I live with my parents, so what if I don't ave a job, what has that got to do with it?"

She said "So because you live off your parents that means I should take money from mine?"

Then she said, "I'm going to talk to someone about this," And then she hung up! Her tone was so rude, she isn't sorry at all! She is acting as if I've done something wrong! And if she didn't want to go on holiday, why suggest it?

Incredible!
People never fail to dismay me, what an utter crudbag.
Hopefully karma works out in this situation and that biatch gets hers.

OTOH, if you decide to go I hope you have a fantastic time - it does actually sound as if you have had a lucky escape, imagine being stuck with that excuse for a human for an extended time?

Not great to hear at this stage, but lesson learned.
Best of luck OP

GiftofGab · 11-06-2010 9:02pm

Sure it's prob better that she is not going. Someone of that ignorance would just cause major problems if you went travelling with them. You will have a better time without her.

dellas1979 · 11-06-2010 9:29pm

You know, one of my oldest friends (but not my closest) and I fell out about 8 months ago...she carried on like yer wan you are describing. I finally had enough of her 8 months ago. After years of her feckin around I was like "sling your hook".

One incident a few years ago was she asked me to join a gym with her...I had no particular interest and was fairly broke but she was so enthusiastic about it and begged me to join it with her.

I went to see it with her...we loved it. I was unemployed at the time. The following day we were supposed to meet up outside the place and join..no sign of her. I get a text saying she will join tomorrow and I should go ahead and sign up myself as I was there. I joined up, e40 a month. A week later she hadnt joined up, a month later she hadnt joined up...she never did.

I went into that gym every second day till the end of the membership and got the fittest Ive ever been in my life.

My point being, dont let her ruin something that you might enjoy. You might have to rearrange some details, but go and enjoy yourself and NEVER speak to her again. You have to remember, at the end of the day, people will suit themselves.

Jo King · 12-06-2010 7:59am

O/p, do not go on holidays with that person. She is jealous of you. What she really wants is for you to offer to subsidise her holiday. If you go on holidays she will try and borrow money from you at every hands turn. You will never get it back. She is angry with herself for wasting her money and is taking the anger out on you.
If you go on holiday with her on the basis some company is better than none, do not lend money. If you do find yourself manoeuvred into giving her money, make sure that it is on the basis she signs a receipt each time, and there is a contemporaneous phone call to her parents.

ncmc · 12-06-2010 12:13pm

Oh Op, what a terrible situation for you. You're friend sounds like an absolute b*tch and I agree with the previous poster, it sounds like she wanted you to offer to lend her money/subsidise her so she could go. You are better off not going on holiday with her, as she sounds incredibly flakey and probably would be scabbing off you every five minutes. Do the following 3 things.

1) Send her a link to this thread so she can see in black and white what a cow she has been and peoples opinions of her.
2) Go on holidays and have an amazing time. Follow the advice of the lone travellers who have posted in this thread. Think about it, you could have a life changing experience out there.
3) Contact you friend one last time when you get back to send her the amazing pics of your fantastic trip and then never contact her again. You are better off without toxic people like her in your life.

Best of luck OP, hope you have an amazing time. Maybe come back on here when you get back and let us know how you got on.

Really annoyed at selfish "friend".

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