Nice guys, are you one? were you one?

Wibbs · 24-05-2010 05:58PM

Pittens wrote: »

You are less off topic than you think. I would argue that part of the lack of zing between him and you is because of his niceness. In some ways nice guys appear a bit sexless. Were he to meet you less, annoy you more, and flirt a bit he may be getting somewhere.

Maybe, but... OK from the male perspective. I have women mates. Just mates. Quite a few over the years. One or two I objectively find sexually attractive. If we were stuck on a desert island together I'd say we'd get busy sooner or later. Personalities wise we would obviously get on as we're already mates. Just something is missing. I wouldn't feel that "zing" for them as Novella describes.

Zombrex · 24-05-2010 06:03PM

What a weird article

So the girl has trouble with her boyfriend, goes to her friend to tell him about it (as friends do) and he thinks she is a bitch because she wasn't going out with him in the first place?

Really?

banshee_bones · 24-05-2010 06:08PM

Wibbs wrote: »

Just something is missing. I wouldn't feel that "zing" for them as Novella describes.

Yep and this is how it is for me and my male friends, theres something missing that you can't quite put your finger on so for lack of better words "zing" which is probably more commonly referred to as sexual chemistry?

Zombrex · 24-05-2010 06:09PM

Novella wrote: »

Totally. Just last night, people were saying what a lovely couple we'd make, how it's so obvious he wants me etc. I was actually telling him about this thread last night, how people went on to make comments about how he'll ask me out some day, he must be gay. I didn't bother to respond because I guess it was meant in a joking manner, and that's no biggie. It's when people insist he's trying to get me into bed that annoys me. He isn't, he's like my family and while I appreciate he's good looking and a great person, I dunno, I wouldn't sleep with him because we don't have what I can only describe as 'ZING' - that thing that makes you want someone!

Anyway, I'm completely OT now, and typing nonsense!

If you are in any way attractive I'm pretty sure he would like to sleep with you. That doesn't mean he is only being friends with you to try and sleep with you of course.

Wibbs · 24-05-2010 06:56PM

banshee_bones wrote: »

Yep and this is how it is for me and my male friends, theres something missing that you can't quite put your finger on so for lack of better words "zing" which is probably more commonly referred to as sexual chemistry?

Pretty much, though in truth Id get up on the crack of a plate, so its not just that for me anyway. I defo need more than the sexual chemistry. That's easy to find.

PK2008 · 24-05-2010 07:13PM

banshee_bones wrote: »

Yep and this is how it is for me and my male friends, theres something missing that you can't quite put your finger on so for lack of better words "zing" which is probably more commonly referred to as sexual chemistry?

And that lack of chemistry is called...............

............niceness

Novella · 24-05-2010 07:13PM

Wibbs wrote: »

Pretty much, though in truth Id get up on the crack of a plate, so its not just that for me anyway. I defo need more than the sexual chemistry. That's easy to find.

Yeah, I didn't even mean sexual chemistry when I said 'zing'. I meant we are just missing whatever it is that I need to want to sleep with someone, and he's missing it with me too. I dunno.

Like I do have friends who I would sleep with if the opportunity arose, but I just couldn't with this particular guy, he's like my brother.

force majeure · 24-05-2010 07:17PM

Am I stuck in a time wrap, am I the only poor flipper who thinks its just nice to be nice and hope for some niceness back.
It can be a bit iffy in the early years but as we all grow old together I think we well all try and be a bit more nice [at lest I hope so] to each other.

Handsome Bob · 24-05-2010 07:18PM

PK2008 wrote: »

And that lack of chemistry is called...............

............niceness

People are really going to have to elaborate on what they mean when they say niceness? What constitutes niceness? What is the opposite of that, which you seem to think constitutes chemistry?

I don't mean to have a go, it's just that this debate never fails to piss me off immensely.

banshee_bones · 24-05-2010 07:36PM

LZ5by5 wrote: »

People are really going to have to elaborate on what they mean when they say niceness? What constitutes niceness? What is the opposite of that, which you seem to think constitutes chemistry?

I don't mean to have a go, it's just that this debate never fails to piss me off immensely.

I can see how it would bother you but all I can give you is my feelings on the matter.

For me I just want someone to be themselves, for me that means no mind games. I am probably projecting because I am someone who speaks their mind and with me what you see is what you get, I understand everyone doesnt work that way but I find myself drawn to people who do work that way.
Chemistry for me I have found is someone easy to talk to, be with and have a laugh with, i.e it doesnt feel like an awkward job interview. Sometimes it feels like we have known each other forever and don't need to go through any awkward formailities.
Like some other posters have mentioned, a guy who can make me laugh is such an attractive quality, moreson for me as I need someone who doesnt take themselves too seriously because I can do that well enough for two and on that note doesnt take me too seriously either and if I am being in a pissy mood to just ignore me and do something silly to distract me or make me snap out of it

However knowing when to draw the line and know when there are serious moments where clowning around wont work.

Ok im going to stop before I start confusing people and or myself!

:pac:

Pittens · 25-05-2010 12:18AM

People are really going to have to elaborate on what they mean when they say niceness? What constitutes niceness? What is the opposite of that, which you seem to think constitutes chemistry?

Oh give over.

On this page alone we have heard of two friendships where the girl does not like the guy sexually, but hangs around with him as a best friend. Which means she finds him nice, and attractive. just no Zing. Just "like a brother".

Thats the problem. You cannot be friends first with a girl - to any length - because you get into that category. Most long term couples become less sexual over time, friends over time and even - very long term - brother and sister like when all passion is gone and replaced by aged sexual love. That should be what people want.

but at the start you need to rock her boat.

That doesnt mean that you cant be acquaintances, however as the girls with the long term boy friends (who are not boyfriends) will attest - that is not the way into her pants.

And yes I think those guys want the relationship. So, if that is what they want, their niceness doesnt work.

irishturkey · 27-05-2010 05:17AM

I hate to say it but I used to be a nice guy and all it caused me was bother and headache. I used to be really good friends with a girl and there was always an attraction between us. Then she started becoming more distant before I'd get a call out of the blue about how she's drunk and her life is a mess and she just needs to talk to someone. Of course, I'd be there at her door within minutes and inevitably nothing ever happened. Anyway, we lost contact and I moved away. So a couple of weeks ago I met this girl and, just out of some strange mood, I started being a right sh1thead. She'd say I'm nice and I'd agree instead of reciprocating. Lots of general remarks and digs about not caring if she liked me or not. So we went back to hers and... well you don't need details. We've kept in contact and everytime I'm in her town I'll end up at hers even though I've hardly said a nice word to her face. I've just been an absolute dickhead and she seemingly can't get enough.

Its probably a sad indictment on me and other men that turn like this but it seems to be paying dividends. I can still be a nice guy to female friends and still be a wanker to the rest. I win either way.

Smallbit · 27-05-2010 08:40AM

I saw a very funny piece about the concept of male friends once. Basically it compared the situation where a female has a male friend but isn't letting him get to the relationship stage, with a company that's hiring new staff.

Essentially the company takes the friend's CV, approves it, but decides not to hire him. Instead the company hires a series of workshy layabouts and continually calls him up to complain about how these new 'employees' are nowhere near as skilled as he is. The company also makes it clear that they're keeping his CV on file as the standard with which to compare all new employees, but they also make it clear that they're never going to hire the supposedly ideal employee...

As someone that ended up with my 'nice' guy, after 17 years and a failed marriage, it certainly resonated with me... My ideal man was always there right under my nose

CDfm · 27-05-2010 11:10AM

That reminds me of a piece I saw in the Sunday Times Magazine a few months back by a woman journo who is a recovering addict.

She wrote about meeting the Manic Street Preachers and how great and ordinary they were in a cups of tea kind of way and compared it with the singer of a boyband who tried to feed her brandy and get her in the sack ( I imagine every female journo has a Ronan story these days!!!) though she didn't name the band.Her values had changed.

Its a youth thing too. Like being impressed with celebrity, queuing for autographs or finding alcopops glamourous.Its like tinsel at christmas.

So when you think about it lots of guys put women they fancy on pedestals (and vice versa) and the surprise to them is just how shallow some women can be.

Tom Waits put it beautifully " I'll stay with you baby till the money runs out".

So we have nice guys posting about when the rose tinted glasses came off and no doubt women reading who are going " aha princesses".

banshee_bones · 27-05-2010 11:24AM

irishturkey wrote: »

So a couple of weeks ago I met this girl and, just out of some strange mood, I started being a right sh1thead. She'd say I'm nice and I'd agree instead of reciprocating. Lots of general remarks and digs about not caring if she liked me or not. So we went back to hers and... well you don't need details. We've kept in contact and everytime I'm in her town I'll end up at hers even though I've hardly said a nice word to her face. I've just been an absolute dickhead and she seemingly can't get enough.

Its probably a sad indictment on me and other men that turn like this but it seems to be paying dividends. I can still be a nice guy to female friends and still be a wanker to the rest. I win either way.

I want to pull my hair out after reading this. WTF is wrong with these women who put up with this? I know we have ALL been guilty of putting up with some less than desirable behaviour at one point or another, but God sometimes enough is enough. Wake up already and stop being so spineless!

Handsome Bob · 27-05-2010 11:28AM

irishturkey wrote: »

Its probably a sad indictment on me and other men that turn like this but it seems to be paying dividends.

It's an indictment on both to be honest.

pwd · 27-05-2010 11:55AM

Lots of people equate being nice with being a spa.
Nobody respects a clingy person or a doormat.
Women love guys who are nice because they want to be, not because they need approval. They dispise doormats.
Being nice to a woman, while remaining your own person, *will* make her like you more, and *will* make her more attracted to you. Being a spa for a woman will emasculate you in her eyes, and she won't fancy you at all.

The guys who bitch about women never going for nice guys are usually spas for girls they like, or think they need to prove something by being d!ckheads. Being a d!ckhead will get you a bit further than being a spa, but not that much further usually.
Being sure enough of yourself to be nice might make your strength a bit less obvious, but it demonstrates it far more convincingly once it is recognised.

CDfm · 27-05-2010 12:00PM

LZ5by5 wrote: »

It's an indictment on both to be honest.

I don't think so.

The girl has needs and sexual needs and maybe she doesnt want a very close relationship just now.

And being a bastard is relative and maybe the guy is just slowing down his tempo to a normal level rather than proposing after the first kiss and doing it right for a change.

CDfm · 27-05-2010 12:03PM

pwd wrote: »

Lots of people equate being nice with being a spa.
Nobody respects a clingy person or a doormat.
Women love guys who are nice because they want to be, not because they need approval. They dispise doormats.
Being nice to a woman, while remaining your own person, *will* make her like you more, and *will* make her more attracted to you. Being a spa for a woman will emasculate you in her eyes, and she won't fancy you at all.

The guys who bitch about women never going for nice guys are usually spas for girls they like, or think they need to prove something by being d!ckheads. Being a d!ckhead will get you a bit further than being a spa, but not that much further usually.
Being sure enough of yourself to be nice might make your strength a bit less obvious, but it demonstrates it far more convincingly once it is recognised.

+1

Handsome Bob · 27-05-2010 12:03PM

CDfm wrote: »

I don't think so.

The girl has needs and sexual needs and maybe she doesnt want a very close relationship just now.

And being a bastard is relative and maybe the guy is just slowing down his tempo to a normal level rather than proposing after the first kiss and doing it right for a change.

He said himself that he never gave her a reason to like him but all the same she did. I don't know about you, but to me that's messed up.

banshee_bones · 27-05-2010 12:05PM

pwd wrote: »

Lots of people equate being nice with being a spa.
Nobody respects a clingy person or a doormat.
Women love guys who are nice because they want to be, not because they need approval. They dispise doormats.
Being nice to a woman, while remaining your own person, *will* make her like you more, and *will* make her more attracted to you. Being a spa for a woman will emasculate you in her eyes, and she won't fancy you at all.

The guys who bitch about women never going for nice guys are usually spas for girls they like, or think they need to prove something by being d!ckheads. Being a d!ckhead will get you a bit further than being a spa, but not that much further usually.
Being sure enough of yourself to be nice might make your strength a bit less obvious, but it demonstrates it far more convincingly once it is recognised.

Urge to pull out hair has dramatically decreased! :pac:

CDfm · 27-05-2010 01:09PM

LZ5by5 wrote: »

He said himself that he never gave her a reason to like him but all the same she did. I don't know about you, but to me that's messed up.

He also has not given her a reason to dislike and maybe she finds him attractive.

He probably is pacing himself.

The guys who bitch about women never going for nice guys are usually spas for girls they like, or think they need to prove something by being d!ckheads. Being a d!ckhead will get you a bit further than being a spa, but not that much further usually

pwd has put it so eloquently here.

So the guy has found out that his normal behaviour was not attractive to women and changed it. The world hasn't changed but he has.

CDfm · 27-05-2010 01:42PM

banshee_bones wrote: »

Urge to pull out hair has dramatically decreased! :pac:

And the cat probably cant believe he scored either

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XALVPwkor7U

PK2008 · 27-05-2010 02:02PM

I think to a certain extent it might be linked to our feelings of guilt in relation to sex (bear with me)

For instance, if I meet a girl and she is 'nice' in the sweet innocent way, I wouldnt like to hurt her feelings and I would be less likely to jump into bed with her because I would think she maybe deserved better treatment.

BUT if I met a girl who gave off 'I dont give a 5hit what you think about me' vibes then I would be less likely to worry about her feelings and therefore would not feel guilty about jumping into bed with her.

Did that make sense?

tl;dr: With 'nice guys' comes a level of responsibilty/guilt for how a girl treats them, with 'Bad Boys; she doesnt need to worry and just has uninhibited sex.

Then of course what started out as guilt free sex turns into a relationship/feelings

Just a theory, just a theory!!

d'Oracle · 27-05-2010 02:39PM

tl;dr Fail

Darmstrong · 28-05-2010 02:00AM

Novella wrote: »

Totally. Just last night, people were saying what a lovely couple we'd make, how it's so obvious he wants me etc. I was actually telling him about this thread last night, how people went on to make comments about how he'll ask me out some day, he must be gay. I didn't bother to respond because I guess it was meant in a joking manner, and that's no biggie. It's when people insist he's trying to get me into bed that annoys me. He isn't, he's like my family and while I appreciate he's good looking and a great person, I dunno, I wouldn't sleep with him because we don't have what I can only describe as 'ZING' - that thing that makes you want someone!

Anyway, I'm completely OT now, and typing nonsense!

As Novella's best friend i can safely say i'm neither gay, nor trying to sleep with her,
She's lovely, anyone would be lucky to have her, but i'm just not that into her, she's my best friend, i'm not attracted to her !

Novella · 28-05-2010 02:03AM

Darmstrong wrote: »

As Novella's best friend i can safely say i'm neither gay, nor trying to sleep with her,
She's lovely, anyone would be lucky to have her, but i'm just not that into her, she's my best friend, i'm not attracted to her !

LOL.

Darmstrong · 28-05-2010 02:05AM

Kooli wrote: »

That's exactly what I was thinking!!

Well after 7 years you think i'd make my move if i was going to,

donfers wrote: »

i was thinking he's quite probably gay

I'm not gay, in fact i've met a few girls through Novella,
i just dont need to try and sleep with every female that moves, i'm mature enough to appreciate having a friend of the opposite sex

Tar.Aldarion · 28-05-2010 02:14AM

He's gay, I saw!

Novella · 28-05-2010 02:26AM

Darmstrong wrote: »

Well after 7 years you think i'd make my move if i was going to,

I'm not gay, in fact i've met a few girls through Novella,
i just dont need to try and sleep with every female that moves, i'm mature enough to appreciate having a friend of the opposite sex

Wellllll... in fairness... I'm probably the only one you haven't tried it on with! :P /realises I r ugly!

Tar.Aldarion wrote: »

He's gay, I saw!

I heard him saying no, Tar, you kept telling him it was okay and to shhh!

Nice guys, are you one? were you one?

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