Tell him?

LegacyUser · 26-05-2010 10:08pm #1

I'm married for seven years. No kids.

i am a nurse, and my husband is a plumber, but has had trouble finding work the past few years. so he has been at home mostly.

He got a new job recently. Only problem is, its in waterford and we live in kildare.

He is living with friends there during the week, and is up here with me for one night a week at most. Im ok with that, he needs work, it goes towards the mortgage.

but I have needs, you know? The thing is, why I'm writing this ... i am thinking of getting a vibrator.

i never hide anyting from him. I never have. but he loves me so much ... i am so afraid that this will hurt him. I know that it will.

Is it ok to not tell him? or is that cheating?

LegacyUser · 26-05-2010 10:36pm

really would he be that upset if you told him the truth? do you really truly think so? I don't see why it would be cheating if you got one tbh... it would be lying if you didnt tell him. I would just be afraid he would find it as secrets always come out eventually. I dont really understand why he would be upset if you explained why you wanted it, why not just bring it up half messing to see his reaction first

Onesimus · 26-05-2010 10:40pm

missinit wrote: »

I'm married for seven years. No kids.

i am a nurse, and my husband is a plumber, but has had trouble finding work the past few years. so he has been at home mostly.

He got a new job recently. Only problem is, its in waterford and we live in kildare.

He is living with friends there during the week, and is up here with me for one night a week at most. Im ok with that, he needs work, it goes towards the mortgage.

but I have needs, you know? The thing is, why I'm writing this ... i am thinking of getting a vibrator.

i never hide anyting from him. I never have. but he loves me so much ... i am so afraid that this will hurt him. I know that it will.

Is it ok to not tell him? or is that cheating?

I'm sure he has needs as well, just as much as you, the only problem with doing that sort of thing is that it cuts you off from your Husband and would eventually seperate you from him. this thing your thinkin of buying would not be the same as having your loving Husband beside you, which nature intended. I speak also from another poster on this forum who complained that that type of thing his wife was using actually replaced him and it seperated them more than they already were seperated.

seenitall · 26-05-2010 10:58pm

Onesimus wrote: »

I'm sure he has needs as well, just as much as you, the only problem with doing that sort of thing is that it cuts you off from your Husband and would eventually seperate you from him. this thing your thinkin of buying would not be the same as having your loving Husband beside you, which nature intended. I speak also from another poster on this forum who complained that that type of thing his wife was using actually replaced him and it seperated them more than they already were seperated.

HUH??? I just cannot for the life of me understand this "reasoning". The way I see it, it must be some weird remnant of Catholic guilt about sex or something, it really doesn't make any sense. Do you think that sex toys would be able to command the huge market that they do, if they were really in and of themselves detrimental for loving relationships?? Dream on, and while you're at it, explain to us how the American government planned the 9/11... :rolleyes:

News flash: people cut themselves off from their partners, inanimate objects cannot (repeat: CANNOT) effect this change in a relationship, no more than they can replace a loving partner. They are just aids to achieving pleasure, with or without a partner, and can actually be used to add another dimension in the pleasure that is love-making between two people (or even just sex

).

OP, I'd go for it if I were you, and I would definitely tell your husband, what is there to hide? Nothing at all. You can both have a little play with it, and so it is a win-win situation, no one gets to feel left out, and you get some nice relief even over the working week.

Enjoy!

Onesimus · 26-05-2010 11:08pm

seenitall wrote: »

HUH??? I just cannot for the life of me understand this "reasoning". The way I see it, it must be some weird remnant of Catholic guilt about sex or something, it really doesn't make any sense. Do you think that sex toys would be able to command the huge market that they do, if they were really in and of themselves detrimental for loving relationships?? Dream on, and while you're at it, explain to us how the American government planned the 9/11... :rolleyes:

News flash: people cut themselves off from their partners, inanimate objects cannot (repeat: CANNOT) effect this change in a relationship, no more than they can replace a loving partner. They are just aids to achieving pleasure, with or without a partner, and can actually be used to add another dimension in the pleasure that is love-making between two people (or even just sex ).

OP, I'd go for it if I were you, and I would definitely tell your husband, what is there to hide? Nothing at all. You can both have a little play with it, and so it is a win-win situation, no one gets to feel left out, and you get some nice relief even over the working week.

Enjoy!

Well the post a few pages back from a man who was going mental over it completely says otherwise, and its ruining his marriage.

OP all you need is each other, nothing else nothing more, there are many married couples in the world that are married and have never needed the aid of something else to enhance their relationship and they do just fine. I've given the advice so I'll leave it at that, the best thing for you to do is to talk your problem through with your husband and tell him that your feeling lonely, choose Love over money and I'm sure both of you can work things out were he is able to be at home more nights than often.

seenitall · 26-05-2010 11:17pm

Onesimus wrote: »

Well the post a few pages back from a man who was going mental over it completely says otherwise, and its ruining his marriage.

OP all you need is each other, nothing else nothing more, there are many married couples in the world that are married and have never needed the aid of something else to enhance their relationship and they do just fine. I've given the advice so I'll leave it at that, the best thing for you to do is to talk your problem through with your husband and tell him that your feeling lonely, choose Love over money and I'm sure both of you can work things out were he is able to be at home more nights than often.

Thank you very much, I have read the thread you are talking about, but all it means is that the wife has made the choice to prefer using the toy instead of making love to her husband. That is all it can ever mean. The toy is incapable of making choices and decisions to cut people off from each other, or are you unaware of that?

This wife can make a healthy decision for her own enjoyment to get a toy, include her husband in some sexy games and have a happy, thriving marriage. I hope she will. I definitely hope she won't follow the advice of people who think that the husband going mental over his marriage being ruined is the fault of a plastic toy!

up for anything · 26-05-2010 11:29pm

Onesimus wrote: »

choose Love over money and I'm sure both of you can work things out were he is able to be at home more nights than often.

What planet are you on! Do you realise how many marriages have broken up and are breaking up because of the stress and strain of having no money to pay the bills that seem to pour in the letterbox in a relentless waterfall of anxiety and panic and nowhere to turn. One in four admissions to St Luke's hospital in Kilkenny the weekend just gone were suicide attempts.

OP, your husband has been really lucky to get a job. I'm sure he'll understand your need if you tell him. After all I bet he doesn't spend every night in Waterford with his hands over the blanket as the old joke used to go.

Onesimus · 26-05-2010 11:44pm

Thank you very much, I have read the thread you are talking about, but all it means is that the wife has made the choice to prefer using the toy instead of making love to her husband. That is all it can ever mean. The toy is incapable of making choices and decisions to cut people off from each other, or are you unaware of that?

This wife can make a healthy decision for her own enjoyment to get a toy, include her husband in some sexy games and have a happy, thriving marriage. I hope she will. I definitely hope she won't follow the advice of people who think that the husband going mental over his marriage being ruined is the fault of a plastic toy!

I totally agree, but her choice to reach out for that toy could ruin her Marriage and we know that anytime someone is not totally giving of themselves in a loving relationship it destroys the relationship when you go off and seek pleasure for yourself in that way, and the true meaning of Marriage is a total commitment of love for another person, not a commitment of love in a selfish way towards oneself by seeking it elsewhere, whether its through a vibrator or another adult.

You dont walk down the isle to commit to giving your own self pleasure, but you commit to giving yourself to another human being, and by going ahead and seeking pleasure elsewhere your destroying that vow you made and person with whom you have commited to.

my advice may seem counter to the culture out there at the moment, because people have chosen to discard the true meaning of Marriage.

Anytime a Wife or Husband, seeks out pleasure for themselves alone, they are effectively shutting out their partner from the Loving relationship of Marriage, because Marraige is a two way street not a one way street.

Onesimus · 26-05-2010 11:52pm

up for anything wrote: »

What planet are you on! Do you realise how many marriages have broken up and are breaking up because of the stress and strain of having no money to pay the bills that seem to pour in the letterbox in a relentless waterfall of anxiety and panic and nowhere to turn. One in four admissions to St Luke's hospital in Kilkenny the weekend just gone were suicide attempts.

OP, your husband has been really lucky to get a job. I'm sure he'll understand your need if you tell him. After all I bet he doesn't spend every night in Waterford with his hands over the blanket as the old joke used to go.

I'm not telling the OP that her husband should give up his job, but to sit down and do a budget work things out financially, and try to see if she can get him home more often and live a good decent Marriage.

Try to survive on a budget that provides for the neccesities eliminating some extras to make things work. and I'm sure that they wouldnt mind making that sacrifice or adjustment for the sake of their Marriage.

Daftendirekt · 27-05-2010 12:31am

OP, getting a vibrator is not a big deal.

I honestly thought you were going to say you were considering having an affair or something.

We all have sexual needs, and there isn't a thing wrong with exploring them in the absence of your lover (once you aren't cheating, of course).

There's no reason to not tell him, since there's no reason for you to hide it from him. If it does upset him (which is highly unlikely IMO), then frankly, he needs to grow up.

Edit: Also, it sounds like you're handling the distance issue extremely well if this is the only thing that's cropped up!

seenitall · 27-05-2010 12:51am

Onesimus wrote: »

I totally agree, but her choice to reach out for that toy could ruin her Marriage and we know that anytime someone is not totally giving of themselves in a loving relationship it destroys the relationship when you go off and seek pleasure for yourself in that way, and the true meaning of Marriage is a total commitment of love for another person, not a commitment of love in a selfish way towards oneself by seeking it elsewhere, whether its through a vibrator or another adult.

You dont walk down the isle to commit to giving your own self pleasure, but you commit to giving yourself to another human being, and by going ahead and seeking pleasure elsewhere your destroying that vow you made and person with whom you have commited to.

my advice may seem counter to the culture out there at the moment, because people have chosen to discard the true meaning of Marriage.

Anytime a Wife or Husband, seeks out pleasure for themselves alone, they are effectively shutting out their partner from the Loving relationship of Marriage, because Marraige is a two way street not a one way street.

Oh boy

... ok, let's take this from the beginning.

"her choice to reach out for that toy could ruin her Marriage"

Her choice to reach out for that toy could help and enhance both her marriage and her own personal sexual fulfillment at a difficult time of unavoidable absences in the marriage.

"it destroys the relationship when you go off and seek pleasure for yourself in that way,"

Says who? You? Your imaginary friend in the sky? Just who has qualified you to say that the sexual pleasure achieved with some help of a piece of equipment is going to destroy this woman's marriage? Are you for real? Do you object to the "regular" masturbation in the same way, or is the toy the only "destructive" thing?

"You dont walk down the isle to commit to giving your own self pleasure, but you commit to giving yourself to another human being, and by going ahead and seeking pleasure elsewhere your destroying that vow you made and person with whom you have commited to."

OK, I will try to put my point across again. She is NOT seeking pleasure elsewhere, she is fulfilling her own needs in the temporary absence of the husband. There is still only her in the bed. This is NOT cheating, it is not even close to it. Again, you cannot cheat with a piece of plastic!

"my advice may seem counter to the culture out there at the moment,"

Well, I really hope that your advice counters the culture out there at the moment. I like to believe that I live in civilised Western society and in the 21st century. Hopefully I'm right!

"Anytime a Wife or Husband, seeks out pleasure for themselves alone, they are effectively shutting out their partner from the Loving relationship of Marriage, because Marraige is a two way street not a one way street."

I'm at a point where I am just shaking my head in disbelief here... The complete lack of respect for the autonomy of some basic human needs and functions is, frankly, disturbing.

krudler · 27-05-2010 1:46am

You dont walk down the isle to commit to giving your own self pleasure, but you commit to giving yourself to another human being, and by going ahead and seeking pleasure elsewhere your destroying that vow you made and person with whom you have commited to.

That actually made me lol, well done

Catholic guilt at its finest right there. down with that sort of thing etc.

OP a vibrator is not a big deal, my missus owns plenty of them and they're no replacement for the real thing, do you honestly believe he doesnt masturbate when he's alone? he's a guy,he does, end of story. I honestly cant understand this "sex toy ruins marriage" line of thinking, its an aid to give you an orgasm, its not going to start paying the bills and replacing your husband. do you know or are assuming he wont approve? have you brought it up with him before?

AnonoBoy · 27-05-2010 10:11am

You. Your Vibrator. A Phone. Your husband on the other end.

Keep the spark alive during the week and it'll have both of ye in the mood for the weekend.

I can't imagine most men having a problem with it.

Einstein · 27-05-2010 11:29am

My OH has one...their great for a bitta fun! Why not ask him about it..mention that you read about one in a girly mag or something, and that couples use them together...see what his reaction is nd go from there...

there is NOTHING wrong with sex toys!!

cafecolour · 27-05-2010 11:35am

Sure get a vibrator. I'm sure he been **** while he's away from you for the week!

Make sure to vary it up a bit when you're using it though, you don't want to get used to only responding to the exact same stimulation each time.

LegacyUser · 27-05-2010 11:44am

Theres nothing wrong with a vibrator. Mine was a gift from my OH, honestly I dont like using it that much on my own, but we have lots of fun when using it together. Sit down with him and talk about your needs, Im sure he will be happy that you are thinking of a vibrator instead of an affair.

Dwn Wth Vwls · 27-05-2010 2:09pm

If you're worried he might feel insecure about it, propose it in such a way that it includes him. Either use it while you're on the phone with him, or get one of those moulding kits and make one the same shape as him.

WesternNight · 27-05-2010 2:24pm

OP, do you think your husband doesn't fulfill his own needs while he's away? I'd be shocked if he doesn't, so I wouldn't feel bad about doing the same.

I thought you were going to say you're having an affair or something, I wouldn't have thought this would be that much of an issue. If your husband does have a problem with it then he needs a slap back to reality, I think.

shellyboo · 27-05-2010 2:41pm

Your husband has no say in how/when you choose to touch your body and in what way. Your body, your decision.

That said, I think it could definitely help keep your sex life going if you do get one and let him know -- he might be pleased to think of you using it while he's away and be all the more eager to get back to you!

It's certainly nothing to be ashamed of and nothing he should feel intimidated by. Why not get him to go shopping with you for one (online or in a store) and pick out one together that you're both comfortable with? If you both embrace it, it will be a boost to your sex life, not damage it.

muinteoir09 · 27-05-2010 6:18pm

AnonoBoy wrote: »

You. Your Vibrator. A Phone. Your husband on the other end.

Keep the spark alive during the week and it'll have both of ye in the mood for the weekend.

I can't imagine most men having a problem with it.

+1

Masterbation is normal, despite what certain posters may think. But if your husband really would have a problem with you using a vibrator on yourself, I'd imagine he maybe falls into the (how best to put this to ensure I'm not banned) 'Catholic-guilt' brigade.

As always in these types of threads, it's your marriage and the only way to sort the issue is by talking to each other.

fungun · 27-05-2010 6:30pm

holy crap, cant believe some responses.

to call a spade a spade im damn sure your husband is probably pleasuring himself to make up for you not being there....why not you too? Ive bought gfs vibrators before, even when they didnt think they wanted them, lol.

Its fun, the more you orgasm the more you want it ive found with gfs, so this actually helps your sex life. If you use it and tell him u think of him id be surprised if it does anything but turn him on.

Make sure it doesnt replace him for sure, but its not a massive risk as long as you want him too and have a decent libido, which it sounds like you do

username123 · 27-05-2010 9:12pm

Definitely get one - theyre great.

Ask him to help you choose one, for him to use on you, then when he isnt around you can use it on yourself. Id say he'll be delighted, adding a bit of spice to the sex life and all that.

Nulty · 28-05-2010 8:36am

What a lady the OP is! What LADY! I bet shes one of the nicest people you could know. I say fair play to her for even considering that this might entail cheating. Thats some loyalty! I f I had to choose a best friend I could rely on it'd be her lol.

In reality OP, it no biggie. Cheating involves emotions. Ask your husband - if your happy that he's happy - enjoy. Your really the only one that can answer. Like you said you have needs.

up for anything · 29-05-2010 12:58am

fungun wrote: »

holy crap, cant believe some responses.

to call a spade a spade im damn sure your husband is probably pleasuring himself to make up for you not being there

Why don't you just say masturbation or **** if you're calling spades spades.

steddyeddy · 29-05-2010 1:07am

Onesimus wrote: »

I'm sure he has needs as well, just as much as you, the only problem with doing that sort of thing is that it cuts you off from your Husband and would eventually seperate you from him. this thing your thinkin of buying would not be the same as having your loving Husband beside you, which nature intended. I speak also from another poster on this forum who complained that that type of thing his wife was using actually replaced him and it seperated them more than they already were seperated.

How do you reason that a woman (or man) satisfying a natural urge would emotionally seperate them from their spouse, if anythings unnatural its feeling guilty over something natural!

seenitall · 29-05-2010 3:12pm

steddyeddy wrote: »

How do you reason that a woman (or man) satisfying a natural urge would emotionally seperate them from their spouse, if anythings unnatural its feeling guilty over something natural!

He/she doesn't reason; it's called religious indoctrination.

mylittlepony · 29-05-2010 8:50pm

Tell him that cos he only one night a week you want to make a vibrator clone of his willy for the nights he is not with you.
Here a link:
http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/brands/clone-a-willy/?gclid=CMuwt-Wa-KECFQ-Y2AodAGv6Fg
Im sure you could gt them in Ann Summer or your local sex shop.
And there is even a clone a pussy for him from you.
The title is misleading - its a clone of your vagina. Itsa clone of your vulva. its not a penetrative toy. pity
Perfect! Everyone's a winner

Boskowski · 29-05-2010 9:24pm

You're grand OP. All good.

As towards some of the other opinions. WTF is this? The new born Christians meeting the Flanders family?
People in relationships (that includes married people) are having a ****. So?
News for you. It happens and it's normal.

Onesimus · 30-05-2010 12:00am

seenitall wrote: »

He/she doesn't reason; it's called religious indoctrination.

Same could be said for the secularist population, he/she/they dont reason because of their ''secularist'' indoctrination.

muinteoir09 · 30-05-2010 12:13am

Onesimus wrote: »

Same could be said for the secularist population, he/she/they dont reason because of their ''secularist'' indoctrination.

Really??? Can I ask Onesimus, are you married? Male? Female? Do you ****? Did you ever? Do you really believe that you will burn in hell with all the unbaptised babies if you do/did?

Back on topic: OP, have you had a chance to talk to your husband since posting? The suggestion of a dildo moulded from his penis is a great idea if you really think he will have a problem. But, as others have said, it is very unlikely he will.

seenitall · 30-05-2010 2:07am

Onesimus wrote: »

Same could be said for the secularist population, he/she/they dont reason because of their ''secularist'' indoctrination.

I have some news for you: reason is precisely the one thing that makes the greatest difference between religions and secularism. Or have you forgotten that another name for a religion is faith? Faith, as the name says, has a big fat nothing to do with reason whatsoever, unlike secularism. In faith, one doesn't reason, one believes. (Mostly one believes in a few fairy tales written down by some sheep herders 2000 years ago.) Biiiiiig difference.

In other news, a certain religion which shall remain unnamed but is I am guessing close to your heart, is my only experience ever of being succesfully and systematically indoctrinated in my formative years. And I used to live in a communist country!

Tell him?

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