How do you get with a girl in a nightclub???

LegacyUser · 12-05-2010 09:39PM #1

Firstly, a little about me: Im a 21yr Old guy in college in Dublin. Iv just found lately that I don't have whatever it takes to enjoy the single life and get with girls while out. The funny thing is that on paper, you wouldn't think this would be a problem for me. I'm funny and easy to talk to and i'm actually pretty good looking or so i'm told. And in every other sphere of my life apart from when faced with a pretty girl in a club at 1am Im reasonably confident in myself!

I was out a few nights ago and while I got a fair bit of attention from girls during the night i just didn't know how to act in order to make anything happen. For instance a girl would smile at me and i would just smile back without making a move. Or even at one point a girl kept grabbing my ass on the dance floor (subtle or what?) Yet still....i didn't have the confidence to make something happen. I just seem to have a huge fear of putting myself out there! I mean once i'm talking to and flirting with a girl i'm fine! Its just getting to that point that i have trouble with!!

All the times iv gotten with a girl while out before have been times where the girl has made the move on me. I'm lucky in that sense that nowadays more and more girls will do this but i need to get over my fears or theyl hold me back forever.

Just in case people think im being shallow in asking how to "get with" a girl, theres more to it than that. When i see a cute girl who earlier in the night was checking me out eating the face of a out of his head drunk middle aged fat guy you begin to feel like a bit of an idiot..It really knocks your confidence and its almost emasculating....i mean he can do it why cant i!!

So how do you get over this and be able to walk up to a girl and strike up a conversation? In some ways I don't find this as daunting as when on the dancefloor....i mean how do you score someone on the dancefloor when you cant talk to them? The other night there were girls who were dancing up beside me but i didnt know what to do....i kept thinking how do i know theyr interested....im basically just not forward enough....how can i change that?

Thanks for any advice anybody has

LegacyUser · 12-05-2010 11:01PM

say hello. tell them theyre looking good tonight ask for a number, take it outside the nightclub scene.

or just be like NUMBER! and shove ur phone at them then walk away hah

Karmafaerie · 12-05-2010 11:16PM

That's the 64 thousand dollar question my friend.

I remember being the exact same way, funnily enough when I was around the same age.
Great with women once the ice was broken, but about as good at breaking said ice as a marshmallow!
There isn't really an easy answer unfortunately.
You can take advice on how to start a conversation, or how to put your foot in the door so to speak, but if it seems forced or put on, it'll rarely work.

I was a disaster for ages.
I had plenty of success with women, but always when they made the first move.
Same as yourself I'd be in clubs/pubs, and know that the girl would be interested, but in the same way, would not be able to do anything about it.

She'd smile at me.
I'd smile at her.
Then do nothing!
I'd spend half the night throwing glances at her, and the other half annoyed at the fact that she ended up getting off with somebody else cause I did nothing!

I know what you mean about the almost emascilated feelings too.
Especially when you get home, or the next morning.

Myself I was lucky in that I managed to get over my fears.
It really was as simple as gaining a bit of confidence.
As cliché as that may sound.

One night out, I saw a goegeous young woman across the bar.
After exchanging glances I finally screwed up my courage, went up to her, and tried to strike up a conversation.

And fell flat on my face!

But as I walked away, I felt fu€king great.
Had a big smile on my face, and over time since then I've gotten to the stage where I can strike up a conversation with a pretty girl anywhere.
(Like on the train to Dublin a few weeks ago.

)

I no longer bother trying to plan things out as I walk up to a girl, or think of something witty.
I just walk up, smile, and say hello.
You want to seem as natural as possible, so going up with a line, or a plan will scupper that.

At first I used to walkup to a girl and be brutally honest.
I'd go up and say Hi.
Introduce myself, and then just say that I wanted to come over and say hi because if I didn't I'd be kicking myself later.

Now I just start talking and see where it goes.

Now I know that this might sound like a kop out.
Try and try until you succeed like!
But there's never gonna be an easy answer man.

If you have the ability to flirt and chat with girls after the intro, you'll be the same when starting the conversation, once you get over your trepidations.

Chances are the girl has already sized you up before you open your mouth (same way as you have her) and the only thing that can turn her off you is if you have a bad personality!;)

whyamihere? · 12-05-2010 11:28PM

great answer

Tchaikovsky · 13-05-2010 12:01AM

I've always found that nightclubs are horrendous places for initiating anything beyond immediately wearing the face off a complete stranger- I can never hear what she's saying nor can I say anything to her without shouting in her ear.

Don't confine yourself to this scene for flirting, keep yourself open to other (sober) areas where people are at their most natural.

Sure, seeing as you're in college, house parties are great, as at least you can start a conversation, there's less of a meat-market vibe, but you have the 'help' of alcohol.

Greyfox · 13-05-2010 01:32AM

Practice walking up to girls, saying hi and starting a conversation....for now don't worry about what you do next as this will just put a lot more pressure on you and make you think too much about what your doing. Set a target of for one night starting a conversation with 2, 3 then 5 girls etc very very slowly raising the bar to things like getting a number etc as you get more confident. The more approaches you do the more comfortable you will become with talking to women and the more you will ENJOY it.

You'll find yourself getting better and better with been able to keep a conversation going. Every guy needs to get USE TO rejection and learn not to take it personally befor they can become good with womem, this is a huge hurdle for most men to get over but I assure you once you get over this approaching women becomes very very easy as you quickly learn that theirs no reason in the world to be scared of approaching a women and like losing a life playing Mario bro's, it's no big deal when you get rejected. When your confident and comfortable with starting a conversation with a women you won't be as worried about messing up you chances when your making progress with a particular women because you'll know that if you do mess up you can just try again with some other girl!

Fuhrer · 13-05-2010 09:19AM

You grind relentlessly against her on the dancefloor, if she doesnt recoil in horror, you move in.

gandalf · 13-05-2010 09:51AM

Talk to her and take it from there and be yourself. If she likes you as well things will move if she doesn't you will move on.

Relax and enjoy yourself and remember as Lemmy says The Chase is better than the Catch (well most of the time!).

Karmafaerie · 13-05-2010 10:04AM

Greyfox wrote: »

and like losing a life playing Mario bro's, it's no big deal when you get rejected.

Awesome!:D

Kimia · 13-05-2010 11:50AM

Fuhrer wrote: »

You grind relentlessly against her on the dancefloor, if she doesnt recoil in horror, you move in.

Made me spit out my tea laughing!

G-Money · 13-05-2010 12:00PM

Greyfox wrote: »

theirs no reason in the world to be scared of approaching a women and like losing a life playing Mario bro's

This is a good way to look at it OP. You kind of have to think about approaching a girl like you would playing Mario Brothers or any other game. If you go up and get rejected, it's simply just 'Game Over'. So you just hit the reset button and start again with someone else.

Having said that, I really could do with taking some of this advice that others have been posting myself. I'm 33 and I've almost never approached girls in a bar or a club. And unfortunately, they don't tend to make a move on me. Occasionally some will sort of make moves towards me on the dance floor and play with my tie or whatever, but I can never really figure out if they're just leading me along to get a bit of attention or what. Usually when they do that, I try chatting but it never seems to go past a few lines of waffle.

I did go through a period where I approached a few women and it wasn't that bad actually. A bit like jumping out of an airplane (or so I would imagine). I remember being out one night with a guy and he kept trying to get me to approach girls and I wouldn't. I was feeling really off that night and was coming down with the flu so I think I had one pint and then went onto water. So I wasn't drunk or anything. Anyway he kept on at me to approach these two older women standing near the bar. To be honest they looked pretty cold and unfriendly and we both thought they'd cut me to shreads.

Instead I just walked up with a big smile and said "hello, how are you, having a good night?" And that was it. They started chatting away and were quite friendly. I'll admit I wasn't that attracted to them and by the same token I'm sure they weren't bowled over by me, but that wasn't really the point. The point was to just try and get over the mental and emotional hurdle of making an approach. Most of the time the only thing that is stopping you is yourself.

I chatted away to them for a good 10 to 15 minutes and decided to eject. It was a nice interaction and even though it didn't go anywhere, I was nice to do it sober. I don't know if I was giving out a vibe or something but there was a Swiss girl sort of floating around that night who seemed to be wherever I went. Eventually got talking to her and got her number and email etc. She invited me out the following night with her friends but I was so sick I couldn't get out of bed. It was a shame but that's just the way things go sometimes.

I remember another time around the same time I was out with a few lads and some of them got talking to this group of girls. One of the girls reminded me of someone who was in Big Brother at the time so I told her. We were all in good form and I'd had a few drinks so I was fairly chatty. So soon enough I got chatting to her and her mate. I just sort of had the craic and made sure to flash a big warm smile often. Again I grabbed defeat from the jaws of victory as the next day one of the lads said "they were all over you like a piece of meat".

It can be very difficult and I'll be the first to admit that in my life the number of women I've approached could probably be counted on both hands and one foot perhaps. So I definitely need to take my own advice and that of others on this thread. I'd say out of that period of a few weeks where I approached girls, I think only one sort of blanked me. Then it was two girls who were talking to each other and looking far too serious for 11.30pm on a Sat night so in hindsight I should have known I'd be as welcome as a d*** at a lesbian party

But lots of us are in the same boat OP. And if it makes you feel any better, I've occasionally had girls come onto me and I still freeze up and do nothing!

Good luck.

ash23 · 13-05-2010 12:25PM

From my perspective as a woman lol, here's how I'd approach it as a guy.

1. I'd avoid the dancefloor. I take offence when a guy who hasn't even spoken to me grabs me while I'm out dancing with my friends. Groping on the dance floor is fine when you've spent some time talking to her first. Otherwards you just look like a pig.

2. If at all possible put in the groundwork in the pub. Particularly apt if you live in a smaller place where everyone ends up at the same pub. Might not work if you live in a city. Basically chat to her at the bar/smoking garden/when she's walking past. Find an excuse to talk to her. Ask her if she knows a good pub/club. Ask her if she's "Michaels" sister or if she's the girl who works in the Tesco shop down the road. Make something up to approach her and get chatting and then ask her where she's going afterwards. tThen you can approach her in the club.

3. In the club, say hi at the bar or where ever. Same advice as the pub. If she stops and talks to you then she's probably interested. If she walks away it's not personal. She might have a fella, might be gay, might be giving up on men....god only knows. She doesn't know you therefore it's not a rejection of you personally.
If she chats to you for a while she's more than likely interested. Start being tactile but subtle. Lean in to her when talking, touch her arm for a second. If she responds in kind you're pretty much guaranteed she's into you.
One guy asked me if he could kiss me. I thought that was lovely. I'd been talking to him for ages, he was a friend of a friend and we were in a group but had spent ages talking to each other and the group had moved away. He just said "Can I kiss you?".
It might not be everyones cup of tea to be asked but I found it so refreshing and lovely and considerate.
I hate making out in public and would rarely kiss someone in a club. And I said to him would it be ok if we waited until the party we were going to because I hate kissing in front of people.

We walked home hand in hand and had a bit of a kiss in a quiet spot on the way home. It was lovely compared to the usual approach which is some dude grabbing my ass as I walk past without so much as saying hello.

Good luck OP!

catmelodian · 13-05-2010 01:18PM

ash23 wrote: »

We walked home hand in hand and had a crafty shag in a quiet spot on the way home.

Fixed.

ash23 · 13-05-2010 01:31PM

catmelodian wrote: »

Fixed.

Hilarious :rolleyes:

That might be your style but don't tar us all with the same brush.

LegacyUser · 14-05-2010 01:04AM

Hey

OP here, thanks everyone, all the advice was really helpful. Karmafaerie in particular, thanks man! I know now i just need to pluck up the courage to go straight over to a girl and say hi. I reckon if i can do that my confidence will grow from there and il get over my fear of being rejected.

I think though the barrier in my head is really to do with this idea i have that women don't want to be approached or that they just go to clubs "to dance". Rationally i know thats not true at all and that they are just as up for it in general as i am but for some reason its still holding me back. I think maybe its do with when i was younger and i got knocked back a few times by girls even when i was sure they were interested.

If theres any women reading this they might shed some light on it for me. Say for instance when a girl catches your eye at a party or on a night out and smiles, its safe to say shes interested and wants you to go over and talk to her right?! It sounds silly, but lately im just never sure whether im right in saying that, it seems theres an awful lot of girls who flirt and flirt but they are not genuinely interested?? Same on the dancefloor, girls would dance up against you but i just think ah theyr not really interested......are they?

Oh and grandmaster, Mario Brothers Lives.... Genius!

A lot of truth in it too...if i can just get that mentality in my head...

waffleman · 14-05-2010 11:24AM

Go up to her and pretend to pull her bar stool from under her but accidentally pull it away completely and she falls in a heap on the ground - then spend the night apologising and embarassed. Worked for a friend of mine. I still have no idea how it worked. Woman are complex creatures.

LegacyUser · 14-05-2010 11:57AM

I've had great success with zipping down girl's dresses.. Sounds mad but it's worked for me..

One night I was pretty hammered and bored standing at the bar, randomly tugged at the zip on the back of this girls dress.. Hadn't even seen her face at this point.. She turns around.. Jackpot! (She was a stunner).. Big shocked expression but starts smiling once she sees me laughing away.. Started chatting and things went spectacularly from there..

Worked for me another night in a similar situation! Guess its because its an instant chance to show your fun side and have a bit of banter? None of this "Hi, I'm _____".. think I was chatting to the first girl for a few minutes before I even asked her name! At the end of the day it's a nightclub and people are out to have fun, best to keep things as lighthearted as possible starting off..

I'm sure there are other similar things you could do! Ice cube down the back of their top? Pretending to steal their drink in a really obvious way? Obviously some girls will feel like their personal space is invaded but plenty will see the funny side too, obviously the more fun, friendly and approachable you act the more its likely to work!

Thoughts?

ash23 · 14-05-2010 12:25PM

waffleman wrote: »

Go up to her and pretend to pull her bar stool from under her but accidentally pull it away completely and she falls in a heap on the ground - then spend the night apologising and embarassed. Worked for a friend of mine. I still have no idea how it worked. Woman are complex creatures.

I'd never be able to think well of a guy who was the source of my humiliation. Even if he was apologetic.

waffleman · 14-05-2010 12:36PM

ash23 wrote: »

I'd never be able to think well of a guy who was the source of my humiliation. Even if he was apologetic.

- he didnt mean to do it
- there weren't many people around
- at the time no-one laughed as it wasn't funny
- luckily she wasn't hurt
- we sometimes laugh about it together now (great first impression etc.)
- they've been a happy couple for many years since!

ash23 · 14-05-2010 12:44PM

waffleman wrote: »

- he didnt mean to do it
- there weren't many people around
- at the time no-one laughed as it wasn't funny
- luckily she wasn't hurt
- we sometimes laugh about it together now
- they've been a happy couple for many years since!

I'm just saying it might have worked for them but I wouldn't recommend it as a chat up line because

- to use it as a chat up, the guy would be doing it intentionally
- there could be loads of people around
- she would be mortified whether people laughed or not
- she might have been hurt
- he might have ended up in serious crap over it and nobody would be laughing about that
- most girls don't get a kick out of public humiliation

6th · 14-05-2010 01:02PM

catmelodian wrote: »

Fixed.

PI is not the place for those comments. Banned for a week.

ash23 wrote: »

Hilarious :rolleyes:

That might be your style but don't tar us all with the same brush.

Please dont engage in off topic posting.

waffleman · 14-05-2010 02:33PM

ash23 wrote: »

I'm just saying it might have worked for them but I wouldn't recommend it as a chat up line because

- to use it as a chat up, the guy would be doing it intentionally
- there could be loads of people around
- she would be mortified whether people laughed or not
- she might have been hurt
- he might have ended up in serious crap over it and nobody would be laughing about that
- most girls don't get a kick out of public humiliation

Do you have a degree in stating the obvious? I was just putting some context around the event.

It was an approach to a girl that went badly wrong but somehow they both got together anyway. Obviously I'm not recommending the OP pull bar stools out from under as many random women as he can as some kind of chat up technique!

ash23 · 14-05-2010 02:40PM

waffleman wrote: »

Obviously I'm not recommending the OP pull bar stools out from under as many random women as he can as some kind of chat up technique!

Really?
Because thats what it actually sounded like you were saying. My bad.

waffleman wrote:

Go up to her and pretend to pull her bar stool from under her but accidentally pull it away completely and she falls in a heap on the ground - then spend the night apologising and embarassed. Worked for a friend of mine. I still have no idea how it worked. Woman are complex creatures.

The Recliner · 14-05-2010 02:43PM

Can we get back on topic please

LegacyUser · 14-05-2010 03:53PM

Tis_urself, I completely agree with you! If a fella was to come up to me and try something random/ bantery/ funny, I'd more likely reciprocate to that person rather than to someone who just said hi my name is... But each to their own. You have to find a method that you feel comfortable with. I like someone I can laugh with straight away, take the piss out of etc.

Karmafaerie · 14-05-2010 05:00PM

OP.

You have to understand that going up to a woman in a nightclub, while it may lead somewhere, can just end up being the exact same as going up and talking to a guy.
If you go up and seem like you're only after one thing, it might turn her off.
But if you go up and chat away about anything and everything, it can be so much different.

For one it takes preassure off of you, so it makes it easier.
Secondly, it takes away any "fight or flight" instinct from her.

Think of it this way.
If you were going out with a girl, would that stop you from just chatting with other girls in a club, in an innocent way like.
You just chat away in a normal platonic way.

When I talk to girls, I just talk.
I don't see it as an means to an ends, and I think that comes accross.
If she has a boyfriend, I'm not gonna instantly walk away, I'll just chat away with her and her friends.

I'm just having fun, and isn't that what nightclubs are there for.

I don't think that any girl who gets approched amiably by a guy will have a problem.
It's only when guys are sleazy or insistant that they can get defensive.

If you go up and chat away, just like you would with a guy, or a female friend, things will be a lot easier for you.

And I'd say you'll have a lot more success too.;)

How do you get with a girl in a nightclub???

Comments