Can a relationship survive one half kissing another person?

LegacyUser · 13-04-2010 09:44PM #1

Il try and keep it simple. Do people think that a relationship can survive this? I kissed another girl a year ago and have only told my girlfriend about this last week. Its the only thing i have ever lied to her about because i was so scared of losing her. I regretted what i did hugely then and ever since.

I love her and adore her, and really don't want to lose her over such a stupid stupid mistake.
She's extremely upset and says she will never trust me again and we can never be together now.

Im absolutely gutted but feel there is nothing i can do. As much as it hurts me she seems to be moving on. Shes extremely upset and angry and doesn't seem to see forgiveness as even an option.

Is it an option?

Can you ever get the trust back?

Is there anything i can do?

Should i just give her space...and if she comes back or not is her decision?

I just dont know what to do....my head is wrecked....i'm absolutely gutted over this. I feel i didnt fully appreciate her back then and i was very immature about things. But ever since our relationship has been amazing. We both care deeply for each other and things were going great up until i told her.

Ickle Magoo · 13-04-2010 09:49PM

I think it depends entirely on the person who is cheated on, what they are prepared to forgive, there are no hard and fast rules. Some would forgive much worse than a kiss and others would consider non-physical cheating a deal breaker.

You can certainly repeat all you've said here but it's entirely up to her as to whether she wants to go through the stress and hassle and paranoia of being with someone who wasn't faithful to her.

Best of luck

patann · 13-04-2010 09:53PM

Yes it can. You were immature as you said and the relationship had not developed to its current status.

JonathanAnon · 13-04-2010 09:57PM

It's only a weeks since you told her. Give her a while.. Why do you mean when you say that she has moved on ?I would doubt that is true despite what she lets you see.

Canard · 13-04-2010 09:59PM

Did you tell her because you wanted to, or because you were scared it would get to her another way? Were your intentions in telling her so that she would know and be in a position to make an informed decision?

If it was, and you told her, not a friend, I personally would be able to forgive it, but otherwise it's a lot more difficult. Not impossible though, but then again, I'm not her.

Good luck.

LegacyUser · 13-04-2010 10:13PM

OP here...

Jonathan....Not so much that she has moved on but we had plans for the summer before this and she has now made other plans entirely and set them in stone. Would make me think that in her head she rely does want to move on...having said that its an understandable reaction i suppose....just puts another obstacle in the way of getting back together...

Patchy....if i'm honest it was a combination of the two. I was afraid she would find out and it brought the whole buried episode back in to my mind. I wanted a clean slate with no secrets between us...felt it was something that always would be in my head and hold back the relationship. Guilt got to me i suppose...felt bad about her not knowing.

LegacyUser · 13-04-2010 11:13PM

I was in a similar situation to your girlfriend once before. I found out that my boyfriend at the time had slept with someone at the start of the relationship. I found out a year into the relationship. I broke up with my boyfriend for a while to think things over. We got back together and I tried SO hard to let it go but I couldn't. My ex did everything to try to make up for it. I wish I could have been better at 'getting over it' but it ultimately destroyed the relationship. I had distanced myself as I was afraid of getting hurt again. I didn't deliberately distance myself- it just happened. When I realised it, it was too late. We broke up permanently. I couldn't feel what I once did for him and I don't think I ever will.

Best of luck - a kiss isn't as bad as sleeping with someone to be fair. I was seriously annoyed about my ex cheating on my (by sleeping with someone), as we were just using the pill and it showed a complete lack of concern for my health also.

Hopefully your girlfriend can be more forgiving than I was.

LegacyUser · 13-04-2010 11:58PM

OP - invisibleuser what you describe is basically what im terrified will happen. i Can see my girlfriend already distancing herself from me and have a horrible feeling that she will continue to do this to protect herself. Shes quite a proud girl and finds it very hard to forgive in general. im really not sure if she will ever feel the same for me again. Do you think there is anything i can do to prevent this now? Or is it just in her hands?

14-04-2010 12:16AM

It happened to me, and no I didn't forgive him, particularly as I found out myself and he didn't even have the guts to admit it. It wasn't so much that he kissed someone else, it was the fact he lied about it repeatedly. If he had come to me the next day and said he made a mistake, I would have definitely considering staying together. It's all in the circumstances really.

seenitall · 14-04-2010 12:56AM

OP, no, there isn't anything that you can do about this any more. Yes, it is in her hands.

She may "cool off" after a few weeks, and maybe forgive you (as to be fair kissing is not as bad as sex when it comes to cheating etc.) BUT from your description she doesn't seem to be the sort of person who will forgive it.

I know you love her, and you are in torment now, but the reality is that you should be looking at the future without her in it, just in case, shall we say.

Make your own plans for the summer. And learn from your mistakes.

Barracudaincork · 14-04-2010 12:22PM

Is she more upset about the fact you kissed someone or you hid it (ie lied about it) for a year and that is where she will lack trust in you in the future.

OP, relationships survive affairs, lying etc all the time, but not all do and not all that do are as great as a relationship as it was before, only time will tell if this will or wont right now.

Peggypeg · 14-04-2010 12:44PM

Hey OP,

You sound like a nice guy who did something stupid, you don't sound like a scumbag so here's my advice;

Write a very long and detailed letter, tell your girlfriend exactly what happened and how it happened with the other girl, explain to her how you weren't as close to her then and didn't realise how much you were risking. Then go on and tell her how much you love her (dedicate a whole page at least to this) tell her every single thing you love and admire about her. Tell her how sorry you are and how angry you are at yourself for blowing it. Basically throw yourself on her mercy and BEG for forgiveness, tell her you'll do anything to have her back, that your heart is completely broken without her. And sign off by swearing on all you hold dear that if she gives you another chance you will never ever do anything so stupid again. Deliver the letter to her with the biggest bunch of flowers you can afford.

I think if you do that and write a heartfelt and honest letter then you'll have a good chance of getting back with her. Even if she doesn't take you back you'll know you tried.

Keeping my fingers crossed for you.

LegacyUser · 15-04-2010 12:05AM

unregisteredOP wrote: »

OP - invisibleuser what you describe is basically what im terrified will happen. i Can see my girlfriend already distancing herself from me and have a horrible feeling that she will continue to do this to protect herself. Shes quite a proud girl and finds it very hard to forgive in general. im really not sure if she will ever feel the same for me again. Do you think there is anything i can do to prevent this now? Or is it just in her hands?

Peggypeg's post is good. When this sort of thing happened to me, I felt really stupid - for being lied to and for not noticing the signs when it happened first. But you do appear to be genuinely sorry for what happened. If my ex hadn't made an enormous effort - by writing letters and going out of his way, I'd never have given him a second chance in the first place. He showed how sorry he was and how much he cared. If you're doing thoughtful gestures, be careful of the balance. Reasons why my relationship ended was because I had distanced myself and my ex felt much stronger for me than I did about him. It became unbalanced and smothering.

On a more positive note, a similar situation also happened to a friend of mine. She forgave the guy and they're still together today, over a year later. Don't give up and best of luck.

Can a relationship survive one half kissing another person?

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