Gerry Breen at it again: Call for all bicycles to have reg plates

I don't think registration is a bad idea; it's what these slobs in office do with it. Legislating mandatory registration of bicycles is only the first step. Then comes the user tax: the registration fee.

Maitre And finally, monsieur, a wafer-thin mint.
Mr Creosote: No.
Maitre Oh sir! It's only a tiny little thin one.
Mr Creosote: No. **** off - I'm full...
Maitre Oh sir... it's only wafer thin.

What they gave with the cycle to work scheme, they'll take away with the registration fee. And how will they set the fee? By gears on your cassette?

You'd feel bad for those choosing the Campy 11-speed, wouldn't you? That's high-end gear, though. You won't feel bad for them for long. The new F'GOligarchy (distinguished from the F'FOligarchy only by the colour and location of their fundraising tent--they are slaves to the same powerful influences and only get into office by having browner noses than the F'FOligars, if that's possible) would demand equality. The five, six and seven speeders would be getting off scot-free. The F'GOligars couldn't stomach that any more than the F'FOligars. They would have to find an equalizer. After all, what's good for the golden goose is good for the lame duck.

Weight. There would be some indecipherable equation that balances the number of gears on the cassette against the bicycle's weight.

Given that most of those six, seven and eight speeds are probably steel or low-end aluminum bikes ridden mostly by over-weight secondary-school/college-aged kids and older working-class commuters with suspended licences (as a result of predictable indiscretions), they'll include the weight of the cyclist in with the weight of the bike.

All bikes will be NCT'd each year. Officials will check for lights, reflectors, condition of the chain, cables, shifters and derailleurs, number of gears and weight of cyclist and bike. All the information will be fed into the magic mathematical calculator. Presto! Chango! Registration fee.

There will be some consternation when after the first year it is revealed that lower-geared, heavier bikes owned by the same people that tend to come form poorer neighbourhoods, work in low-end jobs and eat a lot of unhealthy fast foods are paying the bulk of the registration. The F'Goligarchy will inevitably argue that, sure, there are many more of these types of bicycles on the roads and doesn't it make sense that the amount they pay is commensurate with the girth of their demographic profile, and don't the people who pedal these bikes produce most of the green house gases anyway. Shouldn't they pay for their contribution to the deterioration of the ozone? If they want to pay less, they should eat less meat, get a a 10-speed, carbon-framed bicycle and listen to old Beatles recordings on their iphones while cycling.

Should we talk about specialized plates?

That's the spirit, Dirk!!!