Help/advice.. GF sleeping over with other guys

LegacyUser · 09-02-2010 03:33AM #1

Hi all, going unregged for this one and im going to try keep this as short.

Basically i met my current girlfriend just over 3 months ago whilst out, had a great night and got on like a house on fire. Afterwards we exchanged numbers etc.. and stayed in contact, had a few dates and really hit it off so after a bit of thought on both our behalfs we decided to make it official 3/4 weeks ago.

Things hav'nt been better since, i never thought id get on so good with someone in such a short amount of time. I mean, iv only ever been in 1 long term relationship (Im 20 BTW) as has she so its come to a bit of surprise for both of us especially how open we've become together. We've literally some how managed to share almost all our little secrets/flaws/stories already which we're kinda both glad we can be like that so early into the relationship.

Anyway heres where im having the problem.

The subject of Ex's / Partners came up. Like i said, iv only ever had 1 serious relationship for 2years, the rest were pretty much short dating over 2/3 month periods. Same as herself, no problem. But she went on to tell me how in her last relationship she cheated on her BF. Ive learned the BF was a total knob & did treat her like **** and i have personally met him while out and through other friends but it still doesnt excuse the cheating imo.

Now im not someone to ever judge anyone on their past and im one to be always willing to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and take em at face value but as of late iv been having real trust issues with everyone due to recent experiaces of cheating on me/being stabbed on the back by friends/family.

But back to the point.

Iv learned the guy shes cheated with is a good friend of hers and still is. Iv no problems with this at all, it was a drunken mistake and it happens. They both realised it themselves and put it down as that, deciding it would be better to be friends.

But my actual problem here is, since they're still friends they hang out every now and again. She doesnt have too many friends as she only moved to Ireland for college last summer and afaik hes been traveling for a few months/years so they in the same boat. But iv learned that the week we got together they went out togther and ended back in his for a small sesh with friends afterwads. It was only this weekend she told me she crashed in his, no bother i thought but she goes on to say "it was horrible sleeping in his single bed with him"... THIS annoyed/upset me a little, well.. i dunno.. i dunno how im feeling about it, i know nothing happened and she thinks it not a problem, but i dont feel its right sleeping with another guy, especially in a single bed, half naked not to mention someone she had cheated on with her ex. By cheated i mean f*cked btw.

So now all iv had is this image of the 2 of them half naked in bed, wrapped around eachother aswell as the fact i duno if i can properlly trust her yet so early into the relationship. Its not even her, i know what guys are like being one, just because someones with someone wont stop them trying to get in there, then add alcohol into the equation and one thing can lead to another ya know..

so basically i just want peoples advice/oppinions... like am i wrong for thinking anything of this? should a gf/bf be behaving like this.. I duno, id just like to hear other peoples views..

Another thing is, im afraid to bring it up with her incase it causes trouble and fcuks things up because i really like this girl but its something thats REALLY bothering me and i cant just forget about it.

Thanx for reading if you did and thanx in advance for any replies. Realised alot of it is waffle but i feel slightly better typing it out and look forward to other views on it.

Cheers again

cafecolour · 09-02-2010 06:00AM

When you say this happened 'the week we got together' - when do you mean? The week 3 months ago when you first met or the week 3 weeks ago when you made it 'official'?

Honestly, I'd say let it go, especially as I'm not sure how clear it was you guys were even seriously dating when it happened.

OS119 · 09-02-2010 09:26AM

trust is the bedrock of love and a serious relationship, and the measurement of that trust is not whether you trust her while she's locked up in the cellar wearing a chastity belt, but whether you trust her to do the right thing while she's pissed and at a sleep-over with people she likes in less than ideal privacy circumstances.

in this particular case i just don't see that there is an offence, even if she shagged this blokes brains out - it was the start of a relationship, neither of you knew that it would become what it has so it should be considered in the context of little more than having two one-night-stands in the same week, one of which later became a relationship.

if she didn't shag this blokes brains out, it was all entirely platonic and she just fell drunkenly into bed in the way she might with a mate who happened to be a girl then you have nothing more than a girlfriend with a very mature sexual/social outlook who's pretty unlikely to fool around and equally unlikely to become some awful clingy, jealous, possessive nutcase.

its all down to trust and emotion, it doesn't matter what actually happened, all that matters is whether you get all cut-up about it. if you do you don't trust her, and you ought to move on to try and find some you're more compatable with.

ETA: the fact that you titled this thread "GF sleeping over with guys" rather than "GF slept over at a mates (who happened to be a bloke) house as we started going out" gives a big clue as to the degree of trust involved, as well as the way your mind is working on this issue... sorry.

Smallbit · 09-02-2010 10:02AM

In her favour, she's not hiding anything. However she doesn't appear to be what you guys call 'girlfriend material'. It's your choice, but you probably aren't going to change her.

Peggypeg · 09-02-2010 10:04AM

Hey OP,

I would agree that she hasn't done anything wrong, on you. She cheated on her ex bf but as you say yourself he was a knob, so that could have played a part. Has she told you she's cheated on other people? If she does that alot then yeah I'd be worried but if it was once than let it go. You said yourself you have trust issues, don't let your insecurities colour how you see her or you'll end up driving her away. You have no right to be pissed over her doing it at the very start of the relationship before you were official, so I would drop that out of your head right now, if you act on it or take it out on her you would most definately be in the wrong. Saying that I wouldn't see a problem with telling her it would make you uncomfortable to know she's sleeping in a bed with other guys after a night out or whatever. It may be that she doesn't see it as a problem. Honestly I would just forget about it and start afresh in your head starting now, trust her because if you don't then the relationship will turn into something ugly. By all means ask her not to sleep in other guys beds, I don't see that as an unreasonable request. Just talk to her.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser · 09-02-2010 10:09AM

+1 to the above. You need to put this out of your head, unfortunately part of being human is we do run into these grey areas from time to time. Put it this way, if it were a girls house she stayed in, you wouldn't be accusing her of being a lesbian would you? No, they're just mates same here except he's a guy that she happened to have a thing with.

LegacyUser · 09-02-2010 09:41PM

OP here, cheers for the replies guys & gals..

I Should have made it clearer though, this was only 2 or 3 weeks ago, after we had made it official.

My problem is'nt really the trust, il admit its a factor but i just dont like the thoughts of my GF sharing a bed with another guy regaurdless if they have had any other 'thing' in the past. It just so happens she had with this guy which makes it that bit more unapealing to me.

Like i said, i just have this image of the 2 of them half naked and wrapped around eachother in this tiny bed whenever i think about it and thats what bugs me. I know nothing happened and as much as i trust her so far i believe nothing ever will. However, i dont trust the guy, or any guy, being one mself i know how we can act in these situations like.

Someone mention about the thread title too, i titled it that because its not just mates she would sleep with. If it was a party with loads of guys & girls and there was a bed to crash in with a randome guy, she would. Its just the kind of girl she is, she just thinks nothing of it and that its innocent where as i dont so much and other guys would take it as shes interested etc... Shes a real bubley, out going person like and it comes accross as flirty to most which iv no problem with, its her peronality and its the exact same as mine.

Another poster mentioned would i have a problem if it were a girl friend? Thats totally different though as girls tend to have girly nights in/sleepovers throughout their childhood and into their teens etc.. and end up sharing beds and seeing eachother change and what not with no attraction/nothing sexual unless they're gay/bi which my GF is. However if she was and did have a previous relationship with one of her girlfriends id feel the same if they were to sleep together.

Basically im asking anyway, what man would'nt have a prolem with their GF/Parnter/Fiance etc share a bed with another guy, wearing prob nothing other than underware who also in this instance had a previous 'thing' with?

Am i being unreasonable here in saying that it just makes me uncomfortable my GF staying with other guys and i think she should'nt be doing this?

BTW, this is not a once off, it will continue to happen whenever she ends up crashing in his or prob someone elses.

I kinda want to bring it to her attention just that im not comfortable with it but idk how and if i should just yet. I wana know if its a reasonable thing to do/say.

Cheers again everyone for listening, appreciate it!

Reflector · 15-02-2010 05:42PM

if you guys are a couple she shouldn't be sleeping in other guys beds. I'm pretty open minded but that would drive me crazy and would be extremely jealous. I would calmly tell her that it does make you jealous and you dont mind who's she's friends with but maybe she needs to take your feelings into consideration. She sounds a bit immature to be honest.

Help/advice.. GF sleeping over with other guys

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