Thinking of being a single parent

ChocolateRamses wrote: »

As I've said before from the OPs postings it seems to me that having a child is more about him than the child, and I think that's wrong.

Hi ChocolateRamses. You've made your point about your view on people who decide to have kids on their own. i.e. you're completely against it even if it's well planned.

You're way off when you try to back it up by saying "having a child is more about him than the child." Yes, it would be a personal decision but not a selfish one. It's like saying a woman who is not morally against abortion should terminate her pregnancy if she accidentally becomes pregnant. or a woman who gives birth but is heavily in debt, uneducated and living in a council house would be making a selfish decision by not putting the child up for adoption to two "good" parents! Or consider the situation where a woman decides to start a family in her 40s because her biological clock is ticking - is this decision more about herself or a child? Or can you even distinguish between the two? I think the main difference in your logic is whether the person who makes the decision is a man or a woman.

As it happens I would like to have a baby with someone, especially in a relationship. If this is not possible I will go it alone. You also need to bear in mind that in Ireland only one person would be the father or guardian anyway and that's something that should be borne in mind before judging someone on their decision.

ChocolateRamses wrote: »

For the record I don't make any distinctions about any of those cases. so climb down off your high horse. We all agree that an ideal situation for having a child is two people in a loving relationship capable of supporting a child on every level. For a myriad of reasons people wind up having kids in different conditions, some outside of their control I'll grant you, but we make excuses because people like you talk about having hildren as a "right". As far as I'm concerned if anyone is having a child they have a responsibility to that child to make sure they're in a position to properly care for it. Many people don't do this, and in that bracket I include people who make the kinds of decisions you're contemplating.

"For a myriad of reasons people wind up having kids in different conditions, some outside of their control" so you're basically talking about women who were not in relationships, and women who were not in sufficiently stable relationships - both of which "we all agree" should not have had children. And then you tell me to get off my high-horse?

Then there are many couples who are so absolutely appalling (alcoholics, criminals, people on state benefits who have never worked a day in their lives) who have large families at the tax-payers' expense. Even when one parent behaves like this it can destroy a family and result in a delinquent child.

ChocolateRamses, you have made your point. And if I'm blunt the IDEAL situation is two healthy, white, caring, emotionally-stable, wealthy parents who have close friends, close family (with no skeletons in the family closet), nice neighbours, short working hours where one parent will stay at home or at most work part-time, and intend on having at least 2 children both of whom are able-bodied. But in my opinion the absence of any one of these things shouldn't prevent a person from having children.

You also mentioned that men can have kids at any age. What about 50? There's a 20% chance that man would be dead before retirement age, so the kid wouldn't even be considered an adult. And if the man wanted to raise the child, how would leaving the full-time workforce (to do parttime hours) and then trying to re-enter fulll-time work when the child reaches school-going age work out? I think that's another thing we disagree on. In my opinion there are benefits of having kids when you are younger.

ChocolateRamses wrote: »

Benefits for you, sure, maybe not so much for any child you have. Seems to me all you're doing is visiting an emotionally immature parent on a child. But then I'm obviously just mad even contemplating opposing anyone who wants to have a baby, right?

Not at all. I was looking for constructive feedback and you made your point. And +1'd similar points. And expressed your distorted view of me. Anyway I'm finished defending my reasons or my character.

At the end of the day I am mature enough to raise a child and whether I choose to do that on my own or with someone else will ultimately be my decision.

But thanks to everyone for the input, positive and negative.

TotallySelfish! wrote: »

To the OP:

So let me get this straight: You want a woman to donate an egg to a surrogate mother who carries the child to be raised by you and, potentially, a partner?

I am sorry, but this is totally and utterly selfish. There is no two ways about it. You are only thinking about YOUR rights and needs, not those of the potential child. People have an urge and need to know about their roots and their background in order to build up their identity. By entirely removing the mother (egg donation, surrogate mother), you make it impossible for your potential child to even try and trace back these roots. If you don't believe people have this urge, I suggest you take a good look around the adoption forum both here and on other sites.

And before anyone suggests this is homophobic: I have absolutely nothing against homosexual people having and raising children. I do, however, object to willfully ignoring and excluding parts of a child's background and denying them any chance to explore it. Having a child doesn't get much more selfish than that.

i would agree. you expect some woman to permanently damage her own body for a lump of money that will be spent and gone in a few days/months/years with no permanent lasting results like her own child

you want to bring a child into this world to grow up in a less than ideal situation just because you personally want to pay to make it happen. why? when there are so many existing children needing to be looked after?

i just cant get over the unfathomable shallowness of this 'pay for a custom made to order baby' mentality