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How can I stop being such a slow-witted cnut

  • 16-01-2010 02:29PM
    #1
    shamblertine
    Closed Accounts Posts: 888 ✭✭✭


    I'm sick of being humiliated and embarrassed by my friends and colleagues putdowns, I can always think of a great response to them but only about 2 hours after they said it. So whats the secret of being quick witted? Is it a case of thinking of a great putdown for everyone you meet before they insult you first? Or should I try and improve my intelligence and response times by reading more books or perhaps buying that brain training thing? Thanks in advance :mad:


«13

Comments

  • #2
    seamus
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 68,173 ✭✭✭✭seamus


    "Bite me ****head". Works in any scenario.


  • #3
    Captain_Generic
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,408 ✭✭✭Captain_Generic


    Getting put down by everyone here probably won't help


  • #4
    shamblertine
    Closed Accounts Posts: 888 ✭✭✭shamblertine


    Captain_Generic wrote: »
    Getting put down by everyone here won't improve anything

    maybe I secretly like it, but thats not to say I don't want to be more quick witted


  • #5
    Who_owns_this?
    Closed Accounts Posts: 125 ✭✭Who_owns_this?


    You need to work on your own sense of self first. If you think you're a cnut, then you can't blame anybody else for thinking the same.
    The next time somebody has nothing better to do than put you down to make themselves feel better, just take a deep breath, remember that you are a wonderful person, and then shout "no, I won't sleep with you for cash you big nosed gimp"!


  • #6
    Carter96
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22 ✭Carter96


    shamblertine wrote: »
    I'm sick of being humiliated and embarrassed by my friends and colleagues putdowns, I can always think of a great response to them but only about 2 hours after they said it. So whats the secret of being quick witted? Is it a case of thinking of a great putdown for everyone you meet before they insult you first? Or should I try and improve my intelligence and response times by reading more books or perhaps buying that brain training thing? Thanks in advance :mad:


    Just one of those things; you have it or you don't. You don't, sorry but, yeah reading more might help!


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  • #7
    phasers
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,159 ✭✭✭✭phasers


    I don't think there's any hope for you


  • #8
    alwaysadub
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,554 ✭✭✭✭alwaysadub


    Store all your great responses in your head,or write them down and memorise them, im sure eventually you'll have the right come back to their comment.
    Or,failing that, just head butt them. That'll teach em!


  • #9
    MaybeLogic
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,462 ✭✭✭MaybeLogic


    It's a self-fulfilling prophesy.
    You need to change your prophesies,methinks.


  • #10
    InkSlinger67
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,756 ✭✭✭InkSlinger67


    Make the target shout somehow and remember 1 simple line young grasshopper.... "You scream like your ma". The target will think twice before trying to get one over his slow-witted colleague again

    Hope this helps! :confused:


  • #11
    blinding
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 7,462 ✭✭✭blinding


    Meet up with a load of very slow witted people and make them your premium friends.

    Then maybe you can move up the divisions.


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  • #12
    Photi
    Closed Accounts Posts: 669 ✭✭✭Photi


    This game will teach you all you need to know


  • #13
    MaybeLogic
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,462 ✭✭✭MaybeLogic


    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YLjxp_86dKs


  • #14
    copacetic
    Subscribers Posts: 17,213 ✭✭✭✭copacetic


    shamblertine wrote: »
    I'm sick of being humiliated and embarrassed by my friends and colleagues putdowns, I can always think of a great response to them but only about 2 hours after they said it. So whats the secret of being quick witted? Is it a case of thinking of a great putdown for everyone you meet before they insult you first? Or should I try and improve my intelligence and response times by reading more books or perhaps buying that brain training thing? Thanks in advance :mad:

    the key is to learn off a few universal ones and just stick them in while you think of something better. don't think of ones for each person, think of them in general for fat people, dim people etc, peoples family etc.

    Well yore ma is so fat.... etc etc. You're so stupid that... etc etc


  • #15
    shamblertine
    Closed Accounts Posts: 888 ✭✭✭shamblertine


    Thanks people, some good stuff here, I'm going to get to work on a memory bank of insults.


  • #16
    MaybeLogic
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,462 ✭✭✭MaybeLogic


    Train your brain to think in different ways.
    Like doing both the quick and the cryptic crosswords.
    Do 'lateral' or 'relational' thinking exercises.


  • #17
    Bonito
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,399 ✭✭✭Bonito


    phasers wrote: »
    I don't think there's any hope for you


    THIS IS SPARTAAH

    Of course we can help him :D

    GO TEAM     SPARTA AH :D


  • #18
    Biggins
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 34,567 ✭✭✭✭Biggins


    How can I stop being such a slow-witted cnut

    Stop voting for clowns in FF and the Green party.


  • #19
    Agricola
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,547 ✭✭✭Agricola


    I dont think you can learn off insults. Well you can, but its the ability to utilize em at the right moment, under pressure...........thats what'll fúck ya up.

    I find people who are good at quick witted putdowns are almost always very comfortable in their own skin and have a well developed superiority complex. When a situation arises, they are so cool they just rattle off insults like a machine gun. But if people bother you, if you're the sort of person that worrys and comes on a forum to get advise about such things, then you havent much of a hope i think!


  • #20
    dr.bollocko
    Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 35,948 Mod ✭✭✭✭dr.bollocko


    Practice.


  • #21
    copacetic
    Subscribers Posts: 17,213 ✭✭✭✭copacetic


    dr.bollocko wrote: »
    Practice.

    pretty much the same as the other advice above.
    blinding wrote: »
    Meet up with a load of very slow witted people


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  • #22
    seclachi
    Closed Accounts Posts: 510 ✭✭✭seclachi


    Theres one counter insult that never fails.

    Yer ma is a "insert original insult here"


  • #23
    dr.bollocko
    Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 35,948 Mod ✭✭✭✭dr.bollocko


    copacetic wrote: »
    pretty much the same as the other advice above.

    Say that in there.
    See how you get on.


  • #24
    copacetic
    Subscribers Posts: 17,213 ✭✭✭✭copacetic


    dr.bollocko wrote: »
    Say that in there.
    See how you get on.

    a cmon now, it's mostly just insults, not quick witted retorts.

    also, I'm not nuts!:p


  • #25
    Aidric
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 13,598 ✭✭✭✭Aidric


    copacetic wrote: »
    Well yore ma is so fat.... etc etc.
    If someone came out with that as a retort I'd think they were an even bigger tosser.


  • #26
    bonerm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,594 ✭✭✭bonerm


    shamblertine wrote: »
    I'm sick of being humiliated and embarrassed by my friends and colleagues putdowns, I can always think of a great response to them but only about 2 hours after they said it. So whats the secret of being quick witted? Is it a case of thinking of a great putdown for everyone you meet before they insult you first? Or should I try and improve my intelligence and response times by reading more books or perhaps buying that brain training thing? Thanks in advance :mad:

    Emm....... emmm ...... emmm....... I dunno.

    But how about for an alternative you stop hanging out with people who insult you?


  • #27
    copacetic
    Subscribers Posts: 17,213 ✭✭✭✭copacetic


    Aidric wrote: »
    If someone came out with that as a retort I'd think they were an even bigger tosser.

    well I'd certainly agree that "Well yore ma is so fat.... etc etc." is not a great one.


  • #28
    AckwelFoley
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,556 ✭✭✭✭AckwelFoley


    When reuqired..

    place the cack of your hand under your chin, look into your targets eye.

    and while brushing your hand off th under side of your chin, dictate in your coolest and firm voice "succhiare il cazzo"

    Turn away, and ignore him.

    If that fails, kick him in the nuts.

    I promise you, regardless of what is said, that person or anyone else in the room while the nut kicking is carried out will even dream of slaggin you again.


  • #29
    Abi
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,058 ✭✭✭✭Abi


    shamblertine wrote: »
    I'm sick of being humiliated and embarrassed by my friends and colleagues putdowns

    Theres no such thing, just enemies. From the moment you are introduced to someone you have to harbor a sekrit hate for them. Over the the years allow them to confide in you with their problems, and if they ever try to make an arse out you in front of other people

    *BAM*


    You've just got a belt of the truth serum. "He he he. Jesus, thats almost as funny as the time you told me you had gonorrhea".


  • #30
    Princess Consuela Bananahammock
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 33,779 ✭✭✭✭Princess Consuela Bananahammock


    I think watching a lot of comedy helps. The other secret, if there is one, is memory. It's remembering the responce as well as thinking of it.

    There are a few multi-purpose catchphrases and if you're really stuck just look confused and say either "Oh,right so, Ted!" or "That's right Captain Blackadder!" A friend of mine uses, "Mrs Robinson, you're trying to seduce me!" :D on occasion. Makes no sense, but works.

    Everything I don't like is either woke or fascist - possibly both - pick one.



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  • #31
    BluesBerry
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,221 ✭✭✭BluesBerry


    just say "yeah well your face" there is no comeback to that :p


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