Aghhhhh! How in gods name do you make friends!

DigiGal · 28-11-2009 01:41AM #1

Sorry for posting again, I'm becoming a bit of a broken record!

But As I posted before, I was having trouble making friends in college. And although I have some sort of friends(aquaintences if you will) everyone else seems to be going to parties etc...hanging out after college...
I used to be fine making friends had loads in work, a few in school and some from extra activities.But I seem to have lost al social skills,people are afraid to tell me anything, as If I am some sort of gossip, which isn't me at all. They are always whispering about parties etc, it really upsets me:( I'm not evil. I dont bite. I am trustworthy and fun and i thought i was a nice, easy going,quiet person.

What is the secret of making friends. Cause I'm clueless. I went to the college counsellor and she told me just to be myself but so far its not working. I'm so lonely and frustrated

minidazzler · 28-11-2009 06:39AM

DigiGal, being friends with people is a progression, a natural progression.

You can't go from 0 - confidante with someone in no time.

If you have aquaintences why not go for a drink or two with them, take it naturally as it comes.

Don't go looking for person information just talk normally and naturally.

You say "people are afraid to tell me anything"

What are you on about here? You are not gonna get secrets out of people you only know a few months. And TBH you shouldn't land heavy sh1t from your life on people you describe as aquaintences. In general at least, some people would find that quite daunting.

There is no secret to making friends. You said you have aquaintences, well you are past the hardest step, introductions. Just ask some of them do they want to go for a few drinks. Ask them from time to time.

Go out have fun with them. Nothing too serious. Just a laugh a few drinks and some light banter about what ye do.

Like all relationships it will either progress naturally or Fizzle out.

TBH, the counsellor saying "be yourself" is a little bit of a copout. Some people are too intense when you first meet them so my advice would be "Be yourself, but a more palateable less needy version of yourself."

Don't lie about who you are, but don't get pissed at people for small things.

Just have fun and go with the natural ebb and flow. Trying to force these things is more likely to have a negative effect on it.

RandolphEsq · 28-11-2009 07:37AM

As a prolific maker of friends I find it simple to make 'acquaintance' friends. But to make the close friends you appear to be aspiring to in your OP, well I don't have anyone like that! It's not that I wouldn't like to have a friend that close, it's just I don't have a friend that close. Yet I have lots of friends and I meet new acquaintance friends on a daily basis.
So what I find it boils down to is my own lack of openess to let someone become a very close friend. I on't want anyone that close to me! But if I wanted to open up to people I'm fairly certain they would appreciate this and open up back hopefully leading to eternal friendships

ash23 · 28-11-2009 10:07AM

Start slow. Like minidazzler said, you can't go from stranger to bff in no time at all.
Begin by chatting to them (think you've gotten that part so far). Then say things like "I'm heading for a pint at the bar, anyone coming?" or "oh I'm starving, going to get a sambo, anyone up for it?".
Arrange gatherings yourself instead of waiting for people to invite you. No harm saying "oh i'm thinking of going to the pub tonight, anyone up for it?"

But keep it casual and upbeat, if they say no then don't take it personally and leave it a few days before asking again.
when I was in college most of the friends I made were through my part time job as opposed to my course. If you aren't working then find a soc you're interested in (there's nearly one for everything!) and join up.

You say they're whispering about parties etc. One of 3 things is going on.

1. You're paranoid about that
2. They're whispering because you've come on too strong and they are a bit wary of you and are afraid if you come it'll ruin the night
3. They're sh1ts who are just being sh1tty

Only you can decide what it is and work on it from there.

midlandsmissus · 28-11-2009 05:10PM

hey digigal, I think alot of people think that they don't have enough friends and also think that other people have more friends than them, but if you look at people closely, I'd say the majority would have less than three close friends.

I have alot of acquaintances but I only have one really good friend who I could tell anything to and I treasure her.

It takes time to have a good friend because you have to build up experiences with them. Then you have the familiarity with them of saying 'Jaysus do ya remember the time that...!' that's what being real friends is.

Alot of those girls you are looking at in college are probably acquaintances - you know - theyd go out for a drink but they wouldnt tell each other their closest secrets. Ive certainly never kept in touch with anyone from college.

If you want to get a close friend - you start off as an acquaintance and build up from there, good luck!

DigiGal · 28-11-2009 11:10PM

minidazzler wrote: »

DigiGal, being friends with people is a progression, a natural progression.

You can't go from 0 - confidante with someone in no time.

If you have aquaintences why not go for a drink or two with them, take it naturally as it comes.

Don't go looking for person information just talk normally and naturally.

You say "people are afraid to tell me anything"

What are you on about here? You are not gonna get secrets out of people you only know a few months. And TBH you shouldn't land heavy sh1t from your life on people you describe as aquaintences. In general at least, some people would find that quite daunting.

There is no secret to making friends. You said you have aquaintences, well you are past the hardest step, introductions. Just ask some of them do they want to go for a few drinks. Ask them from time to time.

Go out have fun with them. Nothing too serious. Just a laugh a few drinks and some light banter about what ye do.

Like all relationships it will either progress naturally or Fizzle out.

TBH, the counsellor saying "be yourself" is a little bit of a copout. Some people are too intense when you first meet them so my advice would be "Be yourself, but a more palateable less needy version of yourself."

Don't lie about who you are, but don't get pissed at people for small things.

Just have fun and go with the natural ebb and flow. Trying to force these things is more likely to have a negative effect on it.

I'm not quite sure where I said I "land heavy **** on people I know" because I don't I don't look for personal info either I don't want to know their secrets it just makes me feel uncomfortable when we are sitting around talking and then someone will look at me and go "oh I'll tell ya later"
Its embarrassing and really immature. If you don't want people to know don't start the converstaion in a group....it then makes everyone else in the group think I'm 2 faced or a gossip or whatever

I'm not palateable and needy i'm too quiet and shy to be. I'm afraid to approach people until they speak to me first incase they think this very thing as people are always telling me how important it is not to be needy.

I've askd to go for drinks about twice i'd say....once they said no, the second time they made me feel very unwanted so i decided i'd wait for them to ask me so as not to be needy or coming on to strong...they never did.

these people barely know me I don't undersatdn what I did to make them not like me. My other friends said i'm perfectly normal and always happy and friendly and approachable.

another big problem is that 80% of people in my course already know each other, I know nobody

DigiGal · 28-11-2009 11:12PM

RandolphEsq wrote: »

As a prolific maker of friends I find it simple to make 'acquaintance' friends. But to make the close friends you appear to be aspiring to in your OP, well I don't have anyone like that! It's not that I wouldn't like to have a friend that close, it's just I don't have a friend that close. Yet I have lots of friends and I meet new acquaintance friends on a daily basis.
So what I find it boils down to is my own lack of openess to let someone become a very close friend. I on't want anyone that close to me! But if I wanted to open up to people I'm fairly certain they would appreciate this and open up back hopefully leading to eternal friendships

I don't want close friends just any friends....:(

tfak85 · 28-11-2009 11:20PM

try not to let it get you down OP, in your last post you say you have other friends so you are not completely alone...

rather than asking your classmates out for drinks why not ask the person you sit next to in a lecture where they are going for lunch or ask if anyone is going to the library after college one day...
you should join a college sports team too, you will meet people, have fun and it will take away some time that you now feel friends should fill..

DigiGal · 28-11-2009 11:24PM

tfak85 wrote: »

try not to let it get you down OP, in your last post you say you have other friends so you are not completely alone...

rather than asking your classmates out for drinks why not ask the person you sit next to in a lecture where they are going for lunch or ask if anyone is going to the library after college one day...
you should join a college sports team too, you will meet people, have fun and it will take away some time that you now feel friends should fill..

Unfortunately alot of my friends are really busy with their colleges/jobs and some live far away hence me looking for new friends and my college doesn't have any sports teams for some reason, like i joined loads of socs at the start of the year and tehy all fizzled iout except the pirate one but the head of that soc decided he didn't like me and wouldn give me a membership card.
I'm always afraid to ask people like that as im afraid they'll think i'm needy its my biggest fear to come on too strong

cyning · 29-11-2009 12:43AM

How about trying some clubs outside college? Maybe something with some sort of activity like hillwalking or something? College not for everyone and you might meet a wider range of people. Also if your doing something physical you don't need to be talking all the time and it makes having a drink afterwards more fun... and less stressful

dan_d · 29-11-2009 04:10PM

Op, I've read a number of your posts on this, and for starters (and I know this going to be really annoying)...RELAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay. You're sitting in a lecture. You don't know the people on either side of you.But you really would like to talk to somebody, because you feel you look like the only idiot in the room who's on her own, and everybody's looking at you as a result. So turn to the person beside you (whichever you feel is more approachable!) and say something stupid like......"do you have any idea what's going on with this lecture?", or "it's SOO wet outside" or just something stupid. And continue the conversation.....did you cycle in?Have you studied any of this stuff yet?Where are you living...that's a good place for getting into town/college/home quick.....Stupid boring random commonplace stuff. And you know what? Don't push it. Finish it when the lecturer walks into the room and that's it They won't be your best friend but maybe they'll be someone who you can nod and say hi to (and ALWAYS smile.Smiling says a hundred different things and makes you very approachable)

So next. Join a society. I haven't picked up on what college you're in, but from my own experience and those of my friends in UCD, the sporty societies seem to be good. The mountaineering and surfing societies are definitely good. Half the people there haven't a clue what's going on, and you rely on people around you to show you and they do. People join at all levels and stages in colleges, and most are complete beginners. You start talking very fast, and people tend to be friendly and very open to meeting new people. The biggest part of friendships is creating memories together. Nights out, trips away, shopping dates etc. In a society, go to all the events.That way you're involved, no matter how scarey it is at first.

I'm sure you're fine, normal and interesting, but stop focusing so much on friends.It becomes apparent after a while that you're desperate to talk to people and hang around with them, whcih instantly makes people want you to go away. Needy people make other people uncomfortable. I don't know if you are or aren't, but it's something that people become aware of, even if you're not aware that that's how you are behaving.
Most importantly (again I don't know if this applies to you, but keep it in mind) keep it light intially.Don't get into deep heavy conversations with people who could be friends. Don't take everything personally. Just keep to where they live/do they like the course/where are they from originally/where'd they go to school/where do they like going out....that pub is better than this one etcetc. Don't expect confidences from people who don't know you, and don't get insulted when they won't tell you stuff. Change the subject, and keep it light.

After that OP, I'm all out of suggestions. People have thrown up all sorts of suggestions to you, and while you do accept some of them, you tend to shoot down a lot of them with loads of reasons why they won't work. That might sound unfair, but it's how it looks. Either you're in a class of completely horrible people, which is unlikely (everyone in the class?!) or you're simply trying way too hard and obsessing about it. You don't have to be friends with your class there are other courses too you could make friends from. Most importantly, don't wait for people to come to you. Suggest things yourself.

Good luck!

chocgirl · 29-11-2009 07:17PM

Try to get involved in a charitable organisation on campus or maybe volunteering, it will take up a little bit of your time but tend to be smaller groups and much easier to meet people and make friends.

Try to get a part-time job somewhere where there are lots of young people working, tends to be lots of nights out and good craic. I'm thinking supermarkets or the like, might be looking for extra staff at xmas.

If 80% of your class already know each other it stands to reason that they are gonna have an advantage over you in the friends department, it's early days yet too, try not to worry about it too much, you'll come across as desperate and neurotic!

Aghhhhh! How in gods name do you make friends!

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