Top 30 Most Annoying English Football Phrases :P

A football match is not complete without a television commentator driving you up the wall with his, or her (remember the disastrous lady on BBC's Match of the Day) truisms and bizarre analysis. Occasionally it is so bad that some viewers opt to watch games with no sound. In light of the below, we can see why.

30) It's a six-pointer

No, it's worth three points like every other game.

29) Away Goals count double

So if you win 4-0 away, and lose 2-0 at home, the aggregate score is 8-4 in your favour?

28 ) He earns every bit of his money

Come on now. I doubt that any athlete on the planet truly deserves to be paid millions of pounds, euros, dollars, etc.

27) Back of the net

If that were true, it would not be a goal. To be pedantic, if the ball hit the back of the net it would have had to have been a wild shot rebounding off someone's face in the crowd.

26) That shot was Beckham-like

What, it curled?

25) Oh, they don’t have the pace they once did

Said about any foreign player over the age of 30, even if the commentator hasn’t seen them play for five years.

24) Oh that one has gone into row Z

How can a commentator see where Row Z is from their press box?

23) Goals win games.

Oh...well that explains everything. We're not adopting Wenger's points for pretty football system then? Where the delicate Wenger boys can swan around and wait for Mike Riley, Phil Dowd and Co. to raise their numbered place-cards every time they complete a through-ball.

22) Czechoslovakia are a dangerous team

David Pleat is surely old enough to know that the country split into two in 1993.

21) Peter Crouch has a good touch for a big lad

Zlatan Ibrahimovic does, Marco Van Basten did, but Peter Crouch?

20) The traditional curtain raiser

Used to describe every English Charity shield since 1908.

19) If he'd done that [tackle] on the street, he'd be arrested

Yes, generally if someone runs at full pelt down the High Street before going in two-footed on an old woman they're going to do time.

18 ) The Wall did its job

Or maybe the free kick taker was Frank Lampard.

17) Ashley Young is as good as Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo

Andy Gray of SKY Sports. This was perhaps only said the once, but it is too good to leave out.

16) They scored too early

Of course they would have preferred to fall behind in the first 10 minutes.

15) He [Paul Scholes] is not renowned for his tackling

Yes, we have known that since Clive Tyldesley first said it back in 1994.

14) This is becoming a cricket score

It's 6-0, not 248/6.

13) He certainly knows where the goal is

I'm sure that most people in the world, even without getting paid ludicrous amounts of money, wouldn't find it too hard to see two stationary objects always in the same place at the end of each pitch.

12) It’s a game of two halves

Are you sure about that? I never truly understood what was going on at half time.

11) He was in acres of space

Yep; all 4046 square meters

10) 2-0 is a dangerous lead in football

How many managers in the world would turn this advantage down if offered it before the game?

9) Newcastle supporters deserve better

The same supporters who cheered when Kevin Keegan returned from 50 years out of the game.

8 ) You can’t afford to slip up at this level

So it is perfectly okay to under-hit a backpass, miss-kick a clearance or score an own goal at Sunday League level, but in the World Cup or Champions League it’s a hangable offence.

7) If that was on target, it would have been a goal

If Paris Hilton hadn’t made those videos, she would be a virgin.

6) It was a good cross, but no one was in the box

Why cross the ball then?!

5) Arsenal need a holding midfielder

Yes, we all know. Except Wenger, that is.

4) The Makelele position

NO! Claude Makelele (pictured) was not the first player in 120 years of football to play in the holding midfield role, so stop making out like he was.

3) English managers are never given a chance

How about because they are just really bad? An English manager hasn’t won the Premier League for 17 years, the current top six are all bossed by outsiders, while England are coached by an Italian. Blimey, it’s all because they are not given a chance. Bring back Sir Steve McClaren.

2) Another special European night at Anfield

Yes, we all know that Liverpool are bloody hard to beat at home in Europe, especially when Franck De Bleeckere awards a penalty every game. We also recognise the sheer power and beauty of ‘You'll Never Walk Alone’, but do the commentators have to use that same line every time?

1) Never write off the Germans

It is true that Germany have produced numerous impossible comebacks over the years, but when they are 5-1 down in Munich with just five minutes to go, I think it’s safe to count your chickens.