THE steaming Jurassic jungles were alive with the sound of dinosaurs that sounded like aggrieved Scousers, paleontologists have claimed.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, has examined the throats of major breeds of dinosaur and insists they would have produced a noise similar to a rusty wheel spinning in a tuba full of phlegm.
His theory, confirmed by Wikipedia, suggests the extinction of the dinosaurs may have been caused by mass suicide after the giant creatures could no longer bear to listen to themselves.
He added: "Dinosaurs existed for 160 million years. So anyone who's used the Euston to Liverpool train - a journey time of just three hours - can fully appreciate the true horror."
Archaeological digs in Arizona have uncovered the partial remains of a Velociraptor signing a book of condolence and what was previously thought to be fossilised scales surrounding bones is probably change stolen from a child dinosaur's piggy-bank.
Professor Brubaker explained: "The primordial plains would have sounded like the outside of Yates' Wine Lodge after last orders.
"Imagine watching Jurassic Park while dragging your nails down a blackboard and having your DVD player nicked at the same time. Something like that."
Despite Hollywood frequently being criticised for scientific inaccuracy, Brubaker feels the Spielberg blockbuster echoes his theory exactly.
"Some of the dinosaurs were portrayed as slow-moving, dimwitted and prone to ****ting where they stood. But most were sneaky, vicious bastards that would wreck your house and bite your face off if they weren't behind bars.
"So, in other words, Bootle on a Saturday night."
Galvasean wrote: »
Saw this and thought it was funny:
I'm just assuming the big lizard thing is a Megalania so it's vaguely Palaeontology related... um yeah...
More than 65 million years ago, a cataclysmic event drove a majority of the Earth's species into extinction, and tragically, wiped out the last of the dinosaurs long before bazookas could be invented and used on them.According to Ernest Diffey, a fossil archivist at the American Museum of Natural History, a giant asteroid struck the earth in the late Cretaceous period, forever robbing scientists of valuable data concerning the effects powerful rocket launchers might have had on the largest land animals that ever lived.
"Over the years, we've learned a great deal about their physiology, their dietary habits, and even their migratory patterns," Diffey said. "Unfortunately, however, nothing in the fossil record can reveal what it would be like to blow apart the massive front leg of a charging diplodocus and then watch it crash violently to the ground, sending a spray of dirt and dinosaur blood several stories into the air."
"There are so many questions that must remain unanswered," Diffey added. "Like what kind of blood-curdling shriek a pterodactyl would have made after being blasted out of the sky with an M20A1 Super Bazooka. It's truly a shame."
Diffey said that, while testing the effects of high-power incendiary devices on animals such as hippopotamuses and blue whales could provide some insight into the mystery of dinosaur detonation, these lines of inquiry have largely been abandoned as inadequate simulations.
"Advanced computer models can help us to a certain extent," Diffey said. "But it's still no substitute for controlled experiments in which researchers toss a half dozen fragmentary grenades into a pack of velociraptors, or send an entire herd of stampeding apatosauruses through an active minefield."
To many paleontologists, such as Richard Hollander of the University of Michigan, exploring the various ways dinosaurs might have been slaughtered with today's military technology is a vital area of study.
"It's part of human nature to wonder what it would be like to crash a fully fueled F-14 Tomcat into a 60-foot-long, razor-toothed spinosaurus and then eject just before impact to see the chunks of smoking flesh flying in all directions as one gently parachutes to the ground," Hollander said. "And it is a tremendous loss for science that we'll never be able to take one of the smaller ones, like maybe the epidexipteryx, and smash it into mush with a shovel."
"Or a golf club," added Hollander, shaking his head. "Or a chainsaw."