Moths

Right... my lodger has gone to bed early so he can get up for work tomorrow, and I'm sitting on my own at my PC, minding my own business, quietly (and no, that's not an euphemism).

This isn't a joke. This actually just happened.

Fluttery, flappy noises right above my head, I look up and there's a moth, only about an inch long but fairly fat, driving itself (and me) insane by trying to get closer to the light than the bulb glass will allow, relentless in its pursuit of a fiery death.

After a couple of minutes of this, my irkedness momentarily won control of my body and I gave the moth a swift backhand with the nearest small pile of utility bills, sending it careering into the wall and postponing its mission for a good 5 seconds before it carried on attacking the light, oblivious to the 6-foot monkey wielding a potentially lethal handful of paper that just batted it across the room.

Feeling slightly ashamed that I'd hit it the first time, (right in front of my new Madagascan Dragon Plant too... what must it think of me?!), I justified my actions to myself, actually saying out loud "I'm saving you from a fruitless few hours of pain" as I batted it across the room a second time, slightly harder this time. Death from a lightbulb, potential death from concussion... at least my way would be humane.

But no, alive and unperturbed, once again it returned to its deathquest.

Feeling truly ashamed that I'd lashed out at the poor defenceless creature not once but twice, I decided that I should save it instead... catch it in a glass with the aforementioned envelopes and bills underneath and release it into the wild.

Easier said than done. Have you ever tried chasing a moth around with a small soft-drink glass and some paper while it's flying orbits around the light in ever more agitated circles? It's actually quite a lot more difficult than catching spiders. That third dimension is a ****er!

So... while swinging glass and paper around frantically trying to guide this moth (that I'd already batted twice with the same wad of paper) safely into the glass. Well, needless to say, it didn't want to willingly participate in my Forced-Interruption-Of-Its-Life-Mission-And-Consequent-Relocation-Into-A-Small-Glass-Container program, and in the process of me flailing around, the moth managed to fly between a couple of the utility bills in my hand, surely crushing its poor wings beyond repair? Has my rescue operation been in vain?

Repulsed by the realisation that my attempt to save it may have contributed to its death, I hastily dropped the pile of bills on the table in front of me, and stepped back.

But there again... the flapping... it's ALIVE!

...and as I watched, it fluttered, stunned, sideways across the table, and dropped off the edge, right into a carrier bag I've been using as a bin next to my computer, primarily used for chocolate wrappers, junk mail, empty cans and whatever other non-mould-prone computer-room waste that accumulates around me.

[Sigh.]

"Ah well, I tried. You're obviously too stupid to deserve to be alive." I muttered, as I sat back in my computer chair.

30 seconds later.

Flutter-flap-rustle-flap-rustle-flutter-rustle.

The ****ing thing is stuck in the carrier bag, and is now flapping for its life, trying to escape the polythene doom.

After about three minutes listening to this, I pick up the bag, move to the centre of the room, prepare the glass and one stiff piece of thin card ready for the rescue, and carefully, piece by piece, start to remove the trash from the carrier bag in such a way that wouldn't harm the creature any further.

With most of the bag now empty, I can see my prize... there is the moth, looking weary but intact as far as I'm able to tell.

I carefully place the glass over the moth, slide the card in, and success, I have captured the moth, along with part of the end of a Penguin wrapper and a couple of crisps.

So, I walk to the front door switch on the lobby light, quietly open the door (bearing in mind my sleeping lodger) and release the moth out into the world...

...and it flies... it is free... I can finally get back to my computer...

...and just as I'm returning to the house, I see another moth, twice the size of the one I'm releasing, flying over my shoulder and into the house.

So, I quietly close the door, and this time I'm prepared. Glass and card in hand, the big bastard just lands on the wall, making its capture much easier than that of its predecessor.

I again open the door, take a few steps outside and release... and it flies.... right over my head and back towards the ****ing house....

"no, no you ****ing don't..."

So I'm running now... still with glass and card in hand... back into the house and SLAM the door shut to keep it out, and the bastard thing slides through the gap with about an inch to spare like Indiana ****ing Jones.

My head in my hands at this point... realising I've just SLAMMED the front door shut so loudly that anyone within ten houses either side of mine must've heard it, let alone my lodger, and I've still got a moth in my house, twice the size of the original one, and it's now on the wall halfway up the stairs to my lodger's room.

Thankfully, it offered no resistance again, and I managed to get it back into the glass without making any more noise, went back to the front door, TURNED OFF THE LOBBY LIGHT, opened the door and released it....

...and this time I managed to get back into the house quietly without letting any more moths back in.

Sometimes I really wish I didn't have a conscience.

What a ****ing palava.