Advertisement
Help Keep Boards Alive. Support us by going ad free today. See here: https://subscriptions.boards.ie/.
If we do not hit our goal we will be forced to close the site.

Current status: https://keepboardsalive.com/

Annual subs are best for most impact. If you are still undecided on going Ad Free - you can also donate using the Paypal Donate option. All contribution helps. Thank you.
https://www.boards.ie/group/1878-subscribers-forum

Private Group for paid up members of Boards.ie. Join the club.

Im starting to write a book

2

Comments

  • #32
    bakkiesbotha
    Closed Accounts Posts: 172 ✭✭bakkiesbotha


    Splash wrote: »

    A flock of filthy pidgeons scattered as Josh marched towards Centra. The temperature was slowly rising. Now that he was fed, liquor was the major ****ing priority in Josh`s mind. He went into the Centra, observing the top shelf of the magazine stand as he always did. There were about 20 people in here queuing for various amenities. He grabbed one of the “party” sized bottles of Coca-Cola and took his place in the queue. The tired looking Chinese girl held the bottle up to the scanner and waited patiently for the beep that said “This product`s barcode has been scanned and is in the database of this shop`s products”. Josh handed her the fiver. As he waited for his change, a bit of sunshine finally started to show itself. Josh turned around and gazed. It was going to be a good day.

    Out onto the pavement, Centra bag in hand, Josh still needed the vodka. Vodka was his spirit of choice because although whiskey had a nicer taste, Josh knew it made his nose big and Josh`s nose was big enough already. There was a sense of care-freeness in Josh`s mind. A rare commodity in this man`s repertoire of emotions. “I feel like feeding some birds”, Josh thought in a slapstick yet humane instant.

    Pretty sure they don't sell amenities in Centra.

    But they do sell vodka. Why didn't he buy it along with his coke?


  • #33
    LoLth
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,339 ✭✭✭✭LoLth


    madonna123 wrote: »
    Why do the literature heads always take themselves so serious???

    Like OMG man, "a book of elements of style will save your life".. eh a parachute when your falling from the sky will save your life..
    A f**king book called elements of style is gonna be worth sh*t to you when your life is flashing before your eyes!!!


    But in fairness iv never been in a life or death situation, maybe im bang out of order.
    Let me know please if a book called elements of style has saved your life.

    you never know. some day you could be walking down the street and ten huge thugs step out of the shadows with knives, guns and baseball bats and in a very threatening tone the leader says "give us a book called "elements of style" or we'll kill you", bet you'll wish you had it on you then!.

    in any case, I'm pretty sure its not serious and is actually a turn of phrase, just like I assume that when you typed in OMG you werent actually asking God the question or actively trying to draw His attention to the fact that someone said a book could save your life (other than the Book, though technically that's for saving the soul seemingly)

    In fact, if thats a literature head (?) taking themselves seriously, then fashion victims and teenage girls must be the most serious people on the planet "OMG! that halter top with "jealous" across the chest is just to die for! I'd literally die if Anto saw me not wearing that!" - this could be true as more than likely if her dad ever found out that Anto had seen her "not wearing that" she could possibly receive the disappointing end of a fatal encounter.

    and on another point, while to me, personally, a book called elements of style wont be much good to me while my life flashes before my eyes, I think some of the Douglas Adams books would be pretty good. I could laugh my way into the underworld after hopefully having taken my mind off the impending doom.


  • #34
    godspal
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 468 ✭✭godspal


    its just terrible. you cannot use racist slang to describe people in a post-modern society, only if you contextualise it, you seem to use in passing, which just comes across as tacky.
    no one ever thinks during winter, I am lucky I brought my hat, so if it is stream of consciousness you have broken the sense of it actually being a persons thoughts by real cheesy descriptions, like something out of terrible B-Movie style Indian Jones Film.
    Name dropping "Nike" and "Depeche Mode" are things that need to ring through for the character, they should not be used in the initial description, t comes across a gimmicky and forced.
    The flow of the writing once again, is marred by bland descriptions that uses many, many badly placed adjective. This type of writing style is strictly reserved for those aged 12-14, because looking back over my writing I use to write this way.


  • #35
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 96,078 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    godspal wrote: »
    Name dropping "Nike" and "Depeche Mode" are things that need to ring through for the character, they should not be used in the initial description, t comes across a gimmicky and forced..
    Maybe it's just a work of product placement, reckon if you get enough ads in a book you can get it published for free ;)


  • #36
    Insect Overlord
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 31,156 Mod ✭✭✭✭Insect Overlord


    I stopped reading after the first 2 paragraphs. I found that much insulting, on several levels, and did not wish to subject myself to any more of it. However, I felt it would be unfair to the OP if I were to base my whole critique on such a small piece of writing. With that in mind, I scrolled back to the first post.

    I regretted doing so. But, I was encouraged when I saw that most of the criticism posted by others mirrored my own reaction. And then I saw your next paragraph in post #19. And again I regretted my reading of this thread.

    There are so many things wrong with the samples you have posted here. Unnecessary and offensive use of slang; gratuitous reference to drug and alcohol abuse; physical descriptions based on ethnicities alone; little research into public transport time-tables; use of brand-names and logos instead of more creative descriptions; lack of a hook or any real reason for a reader to continue following the story.

    I really hope you've been revising, rethinking and editing this "book" over the last 4 years.


  • Advertisement
  • #37
    Raiser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,929 ✭✭✭Raiser


    Carlos the Spick Bastard glanced idly in the Homebase mirror which he had bought the previous March in a "Mad March" retail 20% off promotion. Curious, he wondered whether his odd foreign looks and the permanent scowl etched onto his face had been passed down as an ironic chromosome gift from his Spick Mum, Black Dad or perhaps even his Pakkie Great Grandfather.

    He hefted a Panasonic retro walkman with auto-reverse in his right hand and cursed softly under his breath when he discovered it was several grams too light to use as a weapon - "Fecks sake" he said as he added two Ever Ready AA sized batteries to the little battery compartment housed within the plastic casing that enveloped the electronic innards of his badly dated personal and portable musical device.

    Suitably armed, Carlos picked at his third nipple in an agitated fashion before he glanced at his calculator watch and for the thousandth time silently thanked Maxol and Brendan Grace for a great promotional campaign that made the 80's worth remembering and possibly even re-enacting someday. He left and as he carelessly left the door swing behind him he failed to notice the complete closure of said fitting was interrupted by a craftily placed toe - a toe clad in the type of footwear a Chinese Ninja might wear when hanging upside down outside a Spick Bastard's front door in Dublin City.

    Carlos grimaced and broke wind before heading into the retail chaos that inevitably accompanies Chinese retail Assistants and their slack habits. Suddenly he spotted Josh laconically eating a McBreakfast with a John Player Blue smouldering in one corner of his mouth like a chimney only smaller and not constructed out of masonry. Moving quicker than a Mongoose with diarrhoea Carlos strode into the capitalistic and morally dubious franchise to immediately kill Josh. A cool and clinical killer Carlos only stopped to order and consume a Big Mac and fries so as not to arouse the suspicion of the Customers or the Staff, including the area Manager who was a Tralee Native now living in Naas.

    Carlos flipped his Duran Duran cassette to side B before bringing all of the force of his right arm into a lethal swinging arc like Tiger Woods on Crystal Meth and without the golf club. Carlos laughed as a medley of Duran Duran's 80's hits played over the the agonised squeals of Josh who then went on to gurgle and then fatally suffocate in his own blood.

    T H E E N D

    Once dead Josh never did make it back onto the Internet or Boards.ie - A fact that brings considerable consolation and a huge degree of relief to the good people who dwell therein.


  • #38
    drand
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22 ✭drand


    Raiser wrote: »
    The Carlos the Spick Bastard glanced idly in the Homebase mirror which he had bought the previous March in a "Mad March" retail 20% off promotion. Curious, he wondered whether his odd foreign looks and the permanent scowl etched onto his face had been passed down as an ironic chromosome gift from his Spick Mum, Black Dad or perhaps even his Pakkie Great Grandfather.

    He hefted a Panasonic retro walkman with auto-reverse in his right hand and cursed softly under his breath when he discovered it was several grams too light to use as a weapon - "Fecks sake" he said as he added two Ever Ready AA sized batteries to the little battery compartment housed within the plastic casing that enveloped the electronic innards of his badly dated personal and portable musical device.

    Suitably armed, Carlos picked at his third nipple in an agitated fashion before he glanced at his calculator watch and for the thousandth time silently thanked Maxol and Brendan Grace for a great promotional campaign that made the 80's worth remembering and possibly even re-enacting someday. He left and as he carelessly left the door swing behind him he failed to notice the complete closure of said fitting was interrupted by a craftily placed toe - a toe clad in the type of footwear a Chinese Ninja might wear when hanging upside down outside a Spick Bastard's front door in Dublin City.

    Carlos grimaced and broke wind before heading into the retail chaos that inevitably accompanies Chinese retail Assistants and their slack habits. Suddenly he spotted Josh laconically eating a McBreakfast with a John Player Blue smouldering in one corner of his mouth like a chimney only smaller and not constructed out of masonry. Moving quicker than a Mongoose with diarrhoea Carlos strode into the capitalistic and morally dubious franchise to immediately kill Josh. A cool and clinical killer Carlos only stopped to order and consume a Big Mac and fries so as not to arouse the suspicion of the Customers or the Staff, including the area Manager who was a Tralee Native now living in Naas.

    Carlos flipped his Duran Duran cassette to side B before bringing all of the force of his right arm into a lethal swinging arc like Tiger Woods on Crystal Meth and without the golf club. Carlos laughed as a medley of Duran Duran's 80's hits played over the the agonised squeals of Josh who then went on to gurgle and then fatally suffocate in his own blood.

    T H E E N D

    Once dead Josh never did make it back onto the Internet or Boards.ie - A fact that brings considerable consolation and a huge degree of relief to the good people who dwell therein.

    I certainly enjoyed that!


  • #39
    Jesus Wept
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 25,243 ✭✭✭✭Jesus Wept


    I loved it it OP, would love to read more.

    Also enjoyed Raisers' piece.

    A collaboration would be exciting.


  • #40
    godspal
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 468 ✭✭godspal


    Raiser, I actually think you got a decent character there, you should tone it down a bit, but its kind of an Ignatius O'Reilly of the scum of Dublin.


  • #41
    Raiser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,929 ✭✭✭Raiser


    The-Rigger wrote: »
    I loved it it OP, would love to read more.

    Also enjoyed Raisers' piece.

    A collaboration would be exciting.

    A collaboration? I'd love to pitch something to the Film Four Executives, something that would immediately put them at the apex of a career crisis - runaway success and instant fame versus abject failure and the resultant shame, perhaps even destitution.

    - Although, I don't think I could manage to work around Splash's 4.5 year spells of writers block.


  • Advertisement
  • #42
    JaneAir
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3 ✭JaneAir


    keep writing, just get the story down,**** the begrudgers.U can edit later


  • #43
    plissken
    Closed Accounts Posts: 252 ✭✭plissken


    Seriously Op ? It's taken you four years to type a single sentence reply, do you honestly believe you have a donuts chance in Mary Harnies fridge of sucessfully completing a book.

    I actually found your style of writhing particularly insipid and your use of racial stereotypes both immature and witless, give up.


  • #44
    DenMan
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,436 ✭✭✭DenMan


    Don't listen to plissken OP. Putting you down and telling you to give up is insensitive and borders on trolling imo.

    You have the idea flashed out, all you have to do is go back over it and work on it. If you have time you should go and do some creative writing courses or join a writing group to help you on your way.

    Best of luck.


  • #45
    plissken
    Closed Accounts Posts: 252 ✭✭plissken


    Splash wrote: »
    Thanks , Clairebear2005, but you made some spelling errors in your post. "wud" is spelled "would" . "wat" is actually pronunnced "what", and the word "wit", although not incorrectly spelt, is not used in the correct context here.

    What is it that they say about those who live in glass houses?

    Splash wrote: »
    Im fooking obseessed witrh this song for some reson! It will probably pass soon


  • #46
    plissken
    Closed Accounts Posts: 252 ✭✭plissken


    DenMan wrote: »
    Don't listen to plissken OP. Putting you down and telling you to give up is insensitive and borders on trolling imo.

    You have the idea flashed out, all you have to do is go back over it and work on it. If you have time you should go and do some creative writing courses or join a writing group to help you on your way.

    Best of luck.


    Trolling, are you bloody joking ?

    Have you read any of the ops extracts ? They are the very definition of purple prose, not to mention racist. Has the world gone so pc that we can no longer call a spade a spade, the op's work is terrible, why give him false hope that he's going to be the next Irvine Welsh


  • #47
    DenMan
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,436 ✭✭✭DenMan


    He started his work over four and a half years ago. A lot may have changed in that time and he did come here looking for advice. Of course he needs to tone it down. Constructive criticism is one but shutting him down is something completely different.


  • #48
    plissken
    Closed Accounts Posts: 252 ✭✭plissken


    DenMan wrote: »
    He started his work over four and a half years ago. A lot may have changed in that time and he did come here looking for advice. Of course he needs to tone it down. Constructive criticism is one but shutting him down is something completely different.

    I admire your optimism, however me personally, I'm afraid that I can't ignore that old adage of "You can't polish a turd"


  • #49
    geuro
    Closed Accounts Posts: 336 ✭✭geuro


    I like it. If i was one of the first to reply, and I read it 4 years ago, I would take the time to go into greater detail. The racism, the way the central character explicitly offers brand names, music interests etc - all of these contribute to the overall feeling of the story for me. I have met people like this before, I think the op did a good job of introducing a character. I like Raiser's paragraph too, even though he's taking the pis5.


  • #50
    Raiser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,929 ✭✭✭Raiser


    plissken wrote: »
    I admire your optimism, however me personally, I'm afraid that I can't ignore that old adage of "You can't polish a turd"

    The Sun and the Moon arced in the sky, continually trading places as the lonely figured toiled in earnest. His spine arched and two shoulder blades undulated as he feverishly attended to his obsession. Around him what could in time become a museum exhibit of convenience food packaging blew executing giddy whirls in the breeze. But Plissken's pink-rimmed eyes noticed not as they fixated on his never ending quest, much like a love lorn teen over intensely eyes the object of their affections.

    There was no way to count these long days and nights - nobody could guess at the duration of Plissken's oddessy. For this reason it seemed surreal and other-wordly to see him there that morning when he finally threw open the door to the place he had transformed into an odd, eerie crypt. Crying he feel on both knees and wept wretchedly, uncontrollably - a personification of embodied sorrow and abject misery. When he did speak it was through a larynx all but stripped bare by the fumes from Brasso, Silvo and countless other household and industrial polishing products. Rasping and wheezing he coaxed out the words one by one: "you" - "can't" - "polish" - "a" - "turd".


  • #51
    geuro
    Closed Accounts Posts: 336 ✭✭geuro


    Ha!


  • Advertisement
  • #52
    plissken
    Closed Accounts Posts: 252 ✭✭plissken


    I did laugh at that Raiser, I do admit. So, it lookslike were going to have another four year wait until Splash replies once more, the guy must have the same sleep patterns as a bear


  • #53
    afaphoenix
    Closed Accounts Posts: 27 ✭afaphoenix


    Splash wrote: »
    My heart is in it, but not, (if you know what I mean) anyway I need some crituiqueueue...soo....




    Should I go on?/......
    Refreshing story. Keep up the good work
    Did it take you long to actually start to write from first idea
    Kind Regards
    A:D:)


  • #54
    Jesus Wept
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 25,243 ✭✭✭✭Jesus Wept


    plissken wrote: »
    Has the world gone so pc that we can no longer call a spade a spade

    Bit racist imo.


  • #55
    Hank_Jones
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,783 ✭✭✭Hank_Jones


    The-Rigger wrote: »
    Bit racist imo.

    Think you took that kind of out of context.
    Has the world gone so pc that we can no longer call a spade a spade, the op's work is terrible, why give him false hope that he's going to be the next Irvine Welsh.

    He was talking about the writer being not particularly good, that's hardly racist.


  • #56
    Jesus Wept
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 25,243 ✭✭✭✭Jesus Wept


    It's like one of those magic eye pictures, I think you just failed to see the hidden message.


  • #57
    plissken
    Closed Accounts Posts: 252 ✭✭plissken


    The-Rigger wrote: »
    Bit racist imo.


    :confused: Why would you even bother to post such nonsense in a topic long since abondoned by all who previously posted in same?

    And if one were to really want to point out something some (not necessarily myself) may class as potentially racist, one would need to go no further than your own user picture.


  • #58
    pickarooney
    Moderators, Arts Moderators Posts: 36,215 Mod ✭✭✭✭pickarooney


    It was a joke lads. If you didn't get it, ignore it.


  • #59
    DenMan
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,436 ✭✭✭DenMan


    Wonder how the OP is getting on.


  • #60
    Raiser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,929 ✭✭✭Raiser


    DenMan wrote: »
    Wonder how the OP is getting on.

    He is busy learning how to snap his fingers with his right hand.


  • Advertisement
  • #61
    DenMan
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,436 ✭✭✭DenMan


    Raiser wrote: »
    He is busy learning how to snap his fingers with his right hand.

    His location is a Medical Facility!!! Has to be a joke.


Advertisement