Im starting to write a book

Splash

My heart is in it, but not, (if you know what I mean) anyway I need some crituiqueueue...soo....

Chapter 1
Josh stepped out of the Dublin Bus bus. It was November, Morning, and it was ****in freezing. Luckily he had put on his new Nike hat before leaving his house, but he could still feel the chill. He ploughed his way through a crowded O`Connell street and made a sharp left down Talbot street. He walked past knackers, blacks, chinks, spicks, packies, and some fairly hot looking chicks before finally arriving at the train station. Before entering the station, he wanted to have a smoke, so he took a pre-rolled joint out of his 10-john player blue packet and discreetly sparked it up.

As he toked on the joint, he could see his breath along with the smoke. He knew which was the breath and which was the smoke because the smoke had a purple, wispy quality to it whereas the breath was more well…crap looking. Josh observed the business people entering their offices on time. All of a sudden some bloke walked up to him and asked him how to get to O`Connell Bridge. With a palmed joint, Josh told the respectable-looking man how to get to his destination.

The joint was about three quarters smoked by now. The train station was not very busy but then again it was only half eight. His headphones were already installed, so he hit play on his MiniDisc player again. Depeche Mode`s “Fools” was to be the soundtrack for the next 4 minutes 17 seconds of Josh`s life.

Finally the joint was finished, and Josh ****ed the roach on the ground and entered the station. He approached the only manned booth. “When`s the next train to Galway?” he asked. “10:55” came the answer. He`d been dreading that. “Eh, can I have a 1-way please”. “18.50”.

The purchase was made, but there was still a good 2 hours to kill. Josh pondered what he would do with the time. He walked over to the news kiosk and purchased a copy of the Sun as well as stocking up on smokes. He looked at his mobile phone. It was like 8:34 or something. “****in Hell” Josh muttered to himself. He toyed with the idea of getting the bus home then coming back in about an hour, but he ultimately decided against this idea because he knew that when he got home he`d just be bored aswell. “I need drink” he thought to himself. He knew the spar shops sold vodka but he wasn`t sure when they started selling it. He didn`t want to look like a total alcho in front of some Chinese bastard, buying vodka at half eight in the morning. But on the other hand, he was thirsty. “Well I`m not going to get far just standing here” he thought. He stuffed the newspaper into his bag and headed for the exit. It was still freezing when he got outside. He zipped his jacket up to the maximum setting, hit play on his MiniDisc, then began walking down the hill towards the street. He passed liberty hall, on route for the O`Connell bridge area. He hadn`t had any breakfast yet, so he reasoned that the next thing on the agenda was McDonalds and grab a breakfast.

The sound of 98fm filled the bottom floor of McDonalds as Josh stood in a crowded, pushy line, waiting to buy the `oul Big Breakfast. After 5 not-so-long minutes Josh found himself at the helm of the queue he was in. The small Chinese girl looked to her left at Josh. “Cana take yor order?”. “Big breakfast please”, said Josh. “What Drink?” “Eh, coffee please”. “4.50 please”.

The next task was to find a seat. There were hardly any seats downstairs, but he wasn`t in a rush anyway, so he headed upstairs where there were loads of free seats. He plonked himself down in a seat that had a good view of the street, the stairs, and the rest of the restaurant. Josh liked it that way. He began to tuck into his breakfast. Just then he heard his mobile beeping. Text Message. He reached into his coat to check it out. “Win a holiday to Jamaica with O2” “Bollix” He put the phone back and pulled the lid off his coffee.

When breakfast was finished, Josh left without emptying his tray into the bin. It was now 9:05 and the next thing now was to obtain some drink.

Josh`s hand made contact with the glass of the front door of Mickey D`s. He pushed and simultaenoulteously observed a fit Spanish bird entering through the other door. His eyes met with hers.

A flock of filthy pidgeons scattered as Josh marched towards Centra. The temperature was slowly rising. Now that he was fed, liquor was the major ****ing priority in Josh`s mind. He went into the Centra, observing the top shelf of the magazine stand as he always did. There were about 20 people in here queuing for various amenities. He grabbed one of the “party” sized bottles of Coca-Cola and t

Should I go on?/......

PurpleFistMixer

What do you mean your heart isn't in it? Books take quite a long time to write, so if you think it's something you're going to tire of half way through, maybe you should consider that...

About the writing, I think my only problem (and I suppose it's a pretty subjective problem anyway) is the use of slang language. I mean, if that's the style you want, go for it, it doesn't float my boat unless it's from a first person point of view, in that way it's justified (think trainspotting) because then even the way things are described is telling you about the character. When it's in the third person, it's not really conveying that much to you, except for a particular style. And that's what I mean with subjective - with styles, the reader either likes it or not, there is no universal style that everyone will love.

Also something else I was noticing, I'm thinking it was intentional but I just noticed it and might as well air my views, was the whole... naming things. Like Dublin Bus buses, and Nike hats and Centras and the Sun newspaper and all that. Are you trying to get something particular across with that? It just seems kind of unfair, to me, because people who don't live in Dublin/Ireland may not know that John Player Blue is a brand of cigarette, and whatnot.

Good luck with the book, anyway.

[nicK]

to me it just seems like a bit of another persons blog with some kind of flowery language.
it would be good to know what the whole point of the book is?
is this 'Josh' your only character?
should you go on? can't really say without knowing what's planned.. but from what i've read, it doesn't really make me want to read on..

Tusky

Are you taking the piss ? That is woeful, I hope your taking the piss.

billy the squid

The use of foul language aside, there is one vital ingredient missing.

Research.

Josh stepped out of the Dublin Bus bus. It was November, Morning, and it was ****in freezing. Luckily he had put on his new Nike hat before leaving his house, but he could still feel the chill. He ploughed his way through a crowded O`Connell street and made a sharp left down Talbot street. He walked past knackers, blacks, chinks, spicks, packies, and some fairly hot looking chicks before finally arriving at the train station. Before entering the station, he wanted to have a smoke, so he took a pre-rolled joint out of his 10-john player blue packet and discreetly sparked it up.

why didnt he go to abbey street and get the LUAS or go to aston quay and get the number 90 bus.. you could have replaced the line below

He walked past knackers, blacks, chinks, spicks, packies,

with

"Look at them. bloody knackers, blacks chinks and spicks everywhere." he thought to himself as he walked.

whereas the breath was more well…crap looking

not descriptive enough.

Finally the joint was finished, and Josh ****ed the roach on the ground and entered the station. He approached the only manned booth. “When`s the next train to Galway?” he asked. “10:55” came the answer. He`d been dreading that. “Eh, can I have a 1-way please”. “18.50”.

had he arrived at the station (you didnt say which station) at 8.30 am he would not have had to wait until 10.55 for a train to galway. research.

http://www.irishrail.ie/your_journey/timetables_junction1.asp

loads of product placement though nike, the sun, mcdonnalds, sony, spar

the movie makers will love it

billy the squid

[nicK] wrote:

to me it just seems like a bit of another persons blog with some kind of flowery language.
it would be good to know what the whole point of the book is?
is this 'Josh' your only character?
should you go on? can't really say without knowing what's planned.. but from what i've read, it doesn't really make me want to read on..

no there was someone else. the person at the ticket office at the railway station, and the guy that asked for directions to O'connell street.

chump

I'm with Tusky!

and reading it a bit closer second time round, why does the narrative have to use the same slang as the character would seemingly used... he ***ked the roach on the ground etc?

Splash

why didnt he go to abbey street and get the LUAS or go to aston quay and get the number 90 bus.. you could have replaced the line below

Because neither the LUAS or the number 90 bus goes to Galway

Are you taking the piss ? That is woeful, I hope your taking the piss.

Look. If you don`t like it then don`t respond. The last thing I need is some sarcastic mother**** er like you draining my last bits of willingness to actually go ahead and continue writing this piece.

Splash

had he arrived at the station (you didnt say which station) at 8.30 am he would not have had to wait until 10.55 for a train to galway. research.

http://www.irishrail.ie/your_journe...s_junction1.asp

loads of product placement though nike, the sun, mcdonnalds, sony, spar

Jesus Christ!!! Im not writeing a [no bypassing the censor] bus timetable!! Its called FICTION for a reason. Theres product placement in life. thats why its in the book. Would you prefer if I said the cork examiner, Supermacs and O`Neills???

is_that_so

There is far too much information in a few paragraphs. You will have 100 pages plus to tell the story. This looks more like a short story.

My suggestions are as follows

-Take the first paragraph and use that to introduce Josh.
-Also look at your use of grammar. I wouldn't touch any passive forms here. You are trying to make it immediate.
- Drop all the logo and shop references for now until you can justify them ( ie does he wear Nike and why? )
- Ease off on all the transport references. Too many of them can confuse someone reading as they are Dublin specific. You could easily say bus,tram or train . The advantage of that is you can set it in any place that has these things.
- Look at your (over)use of slang - Most of it is racist or sexist. Is that what he is like ? It's not obvious. No-one would read this as you give that impression of yourself.

- Eliminate any irrelevant information eg "filthy pigeons" Why are they even mentioned ? - give your reader some credit for imagination.

- Be prepared to write every day. Brendan Behan wrote 2,000 words a day. You don't need to hit that but you do need to be writing a lot to hone your style.


And most importantly

- Who is Josh and what is the story about ? If you don't know where it might end you won't get to the end of Chapter 1.

- Most writing is improved in rewriting . Try doing it again and again and again.

And one very final thought

Use a spell checker. Nothing drags writing down as much as bad spelling.

Otherwise best of luck. Writing is a lonely occupation but every one of us has a novel in us.

Doctor Benway

chump wrote:

and reading it a bit closer second time round, why does the narrative have to use the same slang as the character would seemingly used... he fukked the roach on the ground etc?

There's nothing wrong with writing in the style of the character's consciousness; it's a fairly widespread modernist tradition (look at Joyce, especially in Portrait.

The problem with this is it seems to be trying too hard to be slangy, and edgy. Obviously it's not fair to judge a work on a couple of paragraphs, but at this stage it seems to be overly descriptive. Where is the story going? Is there any point to it? It doesn't actually tell us very much about the character, and the more contemporary references will date it quite badly (it reads like an extract from the shooting script of the abysmal Big Bow Wow.

I'm with nick. If this was the opening page, it wouldn't make me want to read on. But none of this is supposed to be discouraging. If you want to write a novel, concentrate on the story first. Look at every word you write and consider what it's telling the reader, why it's important to the story. Don't just throw stuff in to fill space (if your story is strong enough you won't need to).

echomadman

there's a creative writing forum for this sort of thing. http://boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=382
This one is for discussing stuff thats already widely accepted as literature.

Tusky

Splash wrote:

Look. If you don`t like it then don`t respond. The last thing I need is some sarcastic mother**** er like you draining my last bits of willingness to actually go ahead and continue writing this piece.

I genuinely wasnt being sarcastic. I actually thought your post 'was' taking the piss and you had written that first paragraph as a joke...

PurpleFistMixer

Splash wrote:

Look. If you don`t like it then don`t respond. The last thing I need is some sarcastic mother**** er like you draining my last bits of willingness to actually go ahead and continue writing this piece.

I realise his comment wasn't helpful at all, but... if you aren't willing to receive criticism you're going to have one hell of a time writing a book, and if you don't like the thought of someone not liking it, publishing it will be even harder.

Cake Fiend

Splash wrote:

Look. If you don`t like it then don`t respond.

You asked for critique. This encompasses both positive and negative feedback. I wasn't sure myself either whether this was a serious attempt at creative writing.

Now I only had a quick scan through it (and I have no desire to read it again TBH) but a few things stood right out for me (some of these are already pointed out to some extent above):

Decide what kind of style you want to write with and either stick with it, or make a clear distinction between styles (like Trainspotting). The above few paragraphs seem to be made of a mess of both slang and literary prose. If you're going to write in slang, do it right through. Some Roddy Doyle or Irvine Welsh would be good to see how this is done. And watch some Paths to Freedom, Spin the Bottle, that new Irish junkie movie (forget the name).

As an aside from this, the 'scobe-talk' sounds a bit forced. Especially in comparison to the regular narrative writing.

'Josh'?? What the hell kind of name is that for a Dublin scanger? You presumably want your character to be taken seriously.

You'll have to come up with better adjectives than "crap-looking" and the like. Either that, or use proper scanger language, if that's what you're trying to do.

Learn to accept and learn from constructive criticism. You'll be getting a lot of it.

Capt'n Midnight

ever heard of plot arcs ?

a day in the life of someone wandering around dublin, that's been done to death and been done more accuratly,

stream of conciousness is something that seems simple and obvious but it ain't so you would need to put a hook in there to convince us to read on / you need the story to be going somewhere.

If it was a short story it doesn't grab and if's a novel it would be too much to wade through to the end.

Try sticking something in like emotions / feelings , not just reactions.

athena 2000

Splash, some suggestions:

Keep a journal and keep writing daily if you don't already.
Write about what you really do know and keep after it.
Do some treatments and outlines for your ideas.
Develop a voice/style that is true and real for you.
Post your work in the Creative Writing forum.
Join a writing/critique group eventually so your peers can help you.
Get a thicker skin so you'll be ready for the critiques.
'is_that_so' had some good suggestions for you.

Try not to get upset when people give you feedback. I currently know a few writers that get paid for their work and even they have a hard time with critiques, no matter how constructive or encouraging. I critique rarely and with trepidation, but always with truth. Good luck.

Splash

Thanks for the constructive critique

I may continue to write the next few pages and post them here too

As for a storyline, I had it all worked out in my head already before I typed a single leter :cool:

Anyway, thanks again, peace. :eek:

Splash

in fact Im so pleased with the reaction, Im going to give you the next paragraph, and if you really like it, you can buy it on paperback

A flock of filthy pidgeons scattered as Josh marched towards Centra. The temperature was slowly rising. Now that he was fed, liquor was the major ****ing priority in Josh`s mind. He went into the Centra, observing the top shelf of the magazine stand as he always did. There were about 20 people in here queuing for various amenities. He grabbed one of the “party” sized bottles of Coca-Cola and took his place in the queue. The tired looking Chinese girl held the bottle up to the scanner and waited patiently for the beep that said “This product`s barcode has been scanned and is in the database of this shop`s products”. Josh handed her the fiver. As he waited for his change, a bit of sunshine finally started to show itself. Josh turned around and gazed. It was going to be a good day.

Out onto the pavement, Centra bag in hand, Josh still needed the vodka. Vodka was his spirit of choice because although whiskey had a nicer taste, Josh knew it made his nose big and Josh`s nose was big enough already. There was a sense of care-freeness in Josh`s mind. A rare commodity in this man`s repertoire of emotions. “I feel like feeding some birds”, Josh thought in a slapstick yet humane instant.

Ill have to resist the temptation of posting any more here because I want to make some sales. For those of you who thought I had no "plan" with this book youre totally wrong, I have 96% of it worked out in my head

Clairebear2005

ya know wat splash, i like it its interesting so far i wud like to read more of it!!keep goin wit it in my opinion!!!

Splash

Thanks , Clairebear2005, but you made some spelling errors in your post. "wud" is spelled "would" . "wat" is actually pronunnced "what", and the word "wit", although not incorrectly spelt, is not used in the correct context here.

nesf

Splash wrote:

Thanks , Clairebear2005, but you made some spelling errors in your post. "wud" is spelled "would" . "wat" is actually pronunnced "what", and the word "wit", although not incorrectly spelt, is not used in the correct context here.

Um if that post wasn't meant to be ironic, you should practice what you preach mate.

fade2black

Did yourself no favours there splash man. I'll give you oe piece of advice...go get a little book called elements of style. It'll save your life.

elivsvonchiaing

Inspired by this post I've written the novel: I'll be signing this in Eason's next Monday (sorry about ripping you off mate ): It's called Josh Goldberg Ha, Ha, Ha!

Chapter 1 - "I shot the Sheriffer!" - should have mentioned how crap the dope is in Dublin tbh! He - shoots the dealer is the plot here!

Chapter 2 - "I'd rather be in Schul Than be in Fúckin school" goes through his school days - character insight!

Chapter 3 - General LaGrande - the guiding force in his life when he joined the foreign legion.

Chapter 4 - Madame Butterfly - the Vietenamese Hooker he fell in love with in Pigalle, Paris - who's parent's were murdered by General LaGrande.

Chapter 5 - Lamentations - hell - maybe I should never have done this post - but in writing - offer yourself to criticisism you will be ripped apart - get used to it!

Get used to it - and improve your writing/spelling- again/again/again - re-writing is the only path. Giving up is an option - not to succeed though - it's down to do you believe in yourself kid?

JustHalf

I don't think this will work at all in the third person.

Here's your paragraph in the first person:

A flock of filthy pidgeons scattered as Josh I marched me way towards Centra. The temperature was slowly rising. Now that I was fed, liquor was me major ****ing priority. I went into the Centra, observing the top shelf of the magazine stand as I always do. There were about 20 people in here queuing for various amenities. I grabbed one of the “party” sized bottles of Coca-Cola and took me place in the queue. The tired looking Chinese girl held the bottle up to the scanner and waited patiently for the beep that said “This product`s barcode has been scanned and is in the database of this shop`s products”. I handed her the fiver. As I waited for his change, a bit of sunshine finally started to show itself. I turned around and gazed. It was going to be a good day.

Experiment with the first person, see if it works. I'd also recommend using language likely to be in "Josh"'s everyday vocabulary, it will sound more authentic.

Splash

chump wrote: »

I'm with Tusky!

and reading it a bit closer second time round, why does the narrative have to use the same slang as the character would seemingly used... he ***ked the roach on the ground etc?

because I AM the character!!!!


Sorry for the delay by the way

madonna123

fade2black wrote: »

Did yourself no favours there splash man. I'll give you oe piece of advice...go get a little book called elements of style. It'll save your life.

Why do the literature heads always take themselves so serious???

Like OMG man, "a book of elements of style will save your life".. eh a parachute when your falling from the sky will save your life..
A f**king book called elements of style is gonna be worth sh*t to you when your life is flashing before your eyes!!!


But in fairness iv never been in a life or death situation, maybe im bang out of order.
Let me know please if a book called elements of style has saved your life.

Shryke

Elements of Style is a brilliant little book and is in no way for 'literature heads' whoever the **** they are. It's a tiny little thing that could be read in no space of time and covers all kinds of basics that any aspiring writer may want addressing.

55chevy

Splash, did u finish the story.

Did Josh become Taoiseach?

LoLth

seriously, a 4 year gap is not a "delay"... it took 4 years and the best retort you could come up with was "because I AM the character"...

anyway, moving to creative writing where it will hopefully find a comfy resting place and not go about trying to eat the brains of the other threads.

Capt'n Midnight

[QUOTE=madonna123;61234411Let me know please if a book called elements of style has saved your life.[/QUOTE]There was that time back in 'Nam when Charlie detonated a 500lb under our M113 , still have the piece of shrapnel that nearly got me,

bakkiesbotha

Splash wrote: »

A flock of filthy pidgeons scattered as Josh marched towards Centra. The temperature was slowly rising. Now that he was fed, liquor was the major ****ing priority in Josh`s mind. He went into the Centra, observing the top shelf of the magazine stand as he always did. There were about 20 people in here queuing for various amenities. He grabbed one of the “party” sized bottles of Coca-Cola and took his place in the queue. The tired looking Chinese girl held the bottle up to the scanner and waited patiently for the beep that said “This product`s barcode has been scanned and is in the database of this shop`s products”. Josh handed her the fiver. As he waited for his change, a bit of sunshine finally started to show itself. Josh turned around and gazed. It was going to be a good day.

Out onto the pavement, Centra bag in hand, Josh still needed the vodka. Vodka was his spirit of choice because although whiskey had a nicer taste, Josh knew it made his nose big and Josh`s nose was big enough already. There was a sense of care-freeness in Josh`s mind. A rare commodity in this man`s repertoire of emotions. “I feel like feeding some birds”, Josh thought in a slapstick yet humane instant.

Pretty sure they don't sell amenities in Centra.

But they do sell vodka. Why didn't he buy it along with his coke?

LoLth

madonna123 wrote: »

Why do the literature heads always take themselves so serious???

Like OMG man, "a book of elements of style will save your life".. eh a parachute when your falling from the sky will save your life..
A f**king book called elements of style is gonna be worth sh*t to you when your life is flashing before your eyes!!!


But in fairness iv never been in a life or death situation, maybe im bang out of order.
Let me know please if a book called elements of style has saved your life.

you never know. some day you could be walking down the street and ten huge thugs step out of the shadows with knives, guns and baseball bats and in a very threatening tone the leader says "give us a book called "elements of style" or we'll kill you", bet you'll wish you had it on you then!.

in any case, I'm pretty sure its not serious and is actually a turn of phrase, just like I assume that when you typed in OMG you werent actually asking God the question or actively trying to draw His attention to the fact that someone said a book could save your life (other than the Book, though technically that's for saving the soul seemingly)

In fact, if thats a literature head (?) taking themselves seriously, then fashion victims and teenage girls must be the most serious people on the planet "OMG! that halter top with "jealous" across the chest is just to die for! I'd literally die if Anto saw me not wearing that!" - this could be true as more than likely if her dad ever found out that Anto had seen her "not wearing that" she could possibly receive the disappointing end of a fatal encounter.

and on another point, while to me, personally, a book called elements of style wont be much good to me while my life flashes before my eyes, I think some of the Douglas Adams books would be pretty good. I could laugh my way into the underworld after hopefully having taken my mind off the impending doom.

godspal

its just terrible. you cannot use racist slang to describe people in a post-modern society, only if you contextualise it, you seem to use in passing, which just comes across as tacky.
no one ever thinks during winter, I am lucky I brought my hat, so if it is stream of consciousness you have broken the sense of it actually being a persons thoughts by real cheesy descriptions, like something out of terrible B-Movie style Indian Jones Film.
Name dropping "Nike" and "Depeche Mode" are things that need to ring through for the character, they should not be used in the initial description, t comes across a gimmicky and forced.
The flow of the writing once again, is marred by bland descriptions that uses many, many badly placed adjective. This type of writing style is strictly reserved for those aged 12-14, because looking back over my writing I use to write this way.

Capt'n Midnight

godspal wrote: »

Name dropping "Nike" and "Depeche Mode" are things that need to ring through for the character, they should not be used in the initial description, t comes across a gimmicky and forced..

Maybe it's just a work of product placement, reckon if you get enough ads in a book you can get it published for free

Insect Overlord

I stopped reading after the first 2 paragraphs. I found that much insulting, on several levels, and did not wish to subject myself to any more of it. However, I felt it would be unfair to the OP if I were to base my whole critique on such a small piece of writing. With that in mind, I scrolled back to the first post.

I regretted doing so. But, I was encouraged when I saw that most of the criticism posted by others mirrored my own reaction. And then I saw your next paragraph in post #19. And again I regretted my reading of this thread.

There are so many things wrong with the samples you have posted here. Unnecessary and offensive use of slang; gratuitous reference to drug and alcohol abuse; physical descriptions based on ethnicities alone; little research into public transport time-tables; use of brand-names and logos instead of more creative descriptions; lack of a hook or any real reason for a reader to continue following the story.

I really hope you've been revising, rethinking and editing this "book" over the last 4 years.

Raiser

Carlos the Spick Bastard glanced idly in the Homebase mirror which he had bought the previous March in a "Mad March" retail 20% off promotion. Curious, he wondered whether his odd foreign looks and the permanent scowl etched onto his face had been passed down as an ironic chromosome gift from his Spick Mum, Black Dad or perhaps even his Pakkie Great Grandfather.

He hefted a Panasonic retro walkman with auto-reverse in his right hand and cursed softly under his breath when he discovered it was several grams too light to use as a weapon - "Fecks sake" he said as he added two Ever Ready AA sized batteries to the little battery compartment housed within the plastic casing that enveloped the electronic innards of his badly dated personal and portable musical device.

Suitably armed, Carlos picked at his third nipple in an agitated fashion before he glanced at his calculator watch and for the thousandth time silently thanked Maxol and Brendan Grace for a great promotional campaign that made the 80's worth remembering and possibly even re-enacting someday. He left and as he carelessly left the door swing behind him he failed to notice the complete closure of said fitting was interrupted by a craftily placed toe - a toe clad in the type of footwear a Chinese Ninja might wear when hanging upside down outside a Spick Bastard's front door in Dublin City.

Carlos grimaced and broke wind before heading into the retail chaos that inevitably accompanies Chinese retail Assistants and their slack habits. Suddenly he spotted Josh laconically eating a McBreakfast with a John Player Blue smouldering in one corner of his mouth like a chimney only smaller and not constructed out of masonry. Moving quicker than a Mongoose with diarrhoea Carlos strode into the capitalistic and morally dubious franchise to immediately kill Josh. A cool and clinical killer Carlos only stopped to order and consume a Big Mac and fries so as not to arouse the suspicion of the Customers or the Staff, including the area Manager who was a Tralee Native now living in Naas.

Carlos flipped his Duran Duran cassette to side B before bringing all of the force of his right arm into a lethal swinging arc like Tiger Woods on Crystal Meth and without the golf club. Carlos laughed as a medley of Duran Duran's 80's hits played over the the agonised squeals of Josh who then went on to gurgle and then fatally suffocate in his own blood.

T H E E N D

Once dead Josh never did make it back onto the Internet or Boards.ie - A fact that brings considerable consolation and a huge degree of relief to the good people who dwell therein.

drand

Raiser wrote: »

The Carlos the Spick Bastard glanced idly in the Homebase mirror which he had bought the previous March in a "Mad March" retail 20% off promotion. Curious, he wondered whether his odd foreign looks and the permanent scowl etched onto his face had been passed down as an ironic chromosome gift from his Spick Mum, Black Dad or perhaps even his Pakkie Great Grandfather.

He hefted a Panasonic retro walkman with auto-reverse in his right hand and cursed softly under his breath when he discovered it was several grams too light to use as a weapon - "Fecks sake" he said as he added two Ever Ready AA sized batteries to the little battery compartment housed within the plastic casing that enveloped the electronic innards of his badly dated personal and portable musical device.

Suitably armed, Carlos picked at his third nipple in an agitated fashion before he glanced at his calculator watch and for the thousandth time silently thanked Maxol and Brendan Grace for a great promotional campaign that made the 80's worth remembering and possibly even re-enacting someday. He left and as he carelessly left the door swing behind him he failed to notice the complete closure of said fitting was interrupted by a craftily placed toe - a toe clad in the type of footwear a Chinese Ninja might wear when hanging upside down outside a Spick Bastard's front door in Dublin City.

Carlos grimaced and broke wind before heading into the retail chaos that inevitably accompanies Chinese retail Assistants and their slack habits. Suddenly he spotted Josh laconically eating a McBreakfast with a John Player Blue smouldering in one corner of his mouth like a chimney only smaller and not constructed out of masonry. Moving quicker than a Mongoose with diarrhoea Carlos strode into the capitalistic and morally dubious franchise to immediately kill Josh. A cool and clinical killer Carlos only stopped to order and consume a Big Mac and fries so as not to arouse the suspicion of the Customers or the Staff, including the area Manager who was a Tralee Native now living in Naas.

Carlos flipped his Duran Duran cassette to side B before bringing all of the force of his right arm into a lethal swinging arc like Tiger Woods on Crystal Meth and without the golf club. Carlos laughed as a medley of Duran Duran's 80's hits played over the the agonised squeals of Josh who then went on to gurgle and then fatally suffocate in his own blood.

T H E E N D

Once dead Josh never did make it back onto the Internet or Boards.ie - A fact that brings considerable consolation and a huge degree of relief to the good people who dwell therein.

I certainly enjoyed that!

Jesus Wept

I loved it it OP, would love to read more.

Also enjoyed Raisers' piece.

A collaboration would be exciting.

godspal

Raiser, I actually think you got a decent character there, you should tone it down a bit, but its kind of an Ignatius O'Reilly of the scum of Dublin.

Raiser

The-Rigger wrote: »

I loved it it OP, would love to read more.

Also enjoyed Raisers' piece.

A collaboration would be exciting.

A collaboration? I'd love to pitch something to the Film Four Executives, something that would immediately put them at the apex of a career crisis - runaway success and instant fame versus abject failure and the resultant shame, perhaps even destitution.

- Although, I don't think I could manage to work around Splash's 4.5 year spells of writers block.

JaneAir

keep writing, just get the story down,**** the begrudgers.U can edit later

plissken

Seriously Op ? It's taken you four years to type a single sentence reply, do you honestly believe you have a donuts chance in Mary Harnies fridge of sucessfully completing a book.

I actually found your style of writhing particularly insipid and your use of racial stereotypes both immature and witless, give up.

DenMan

Don't listen to plissken OP. Putting you down and telling you to give up is insensitive and borders on trolling imo.

You have the idea flashed out, all you have to do is go back over it and work on it. If you have time you should go and do some creative writing courses or join a writing group to help you on your way.

Best of luck.

plissken

Splash wrote: »

Thanks , Clairebear2005, but you made some spelling errors in your post. "wud" is spelled "would" . "wat" is actually pronunnced "what", and the word "wit", although not incorrectly spelt, is not used in the correct context here.

What is it that they say about those who live in glass houses?

Splash wrote: »

Im fooking obseessed witrh this song for some reson! It will probably pass soon

plissken

DenMan wrote: »

Don't listen to plissken OP. Putting you down and telling you to give up is insensitive and borders on trolling imo.

You have the idea flashed out, all you have to do is go back over it and work on it. If you have time you should go and do some creative writing courses or join a writing group to help you on your way.

Best of luck.

Trolling, are you bloody joking ?

Have you read any of the ops extracts ? They are the very definition of purple prose, not to mention racist. Has the world gone so pc that we can no longer call a spade a spade, the op's work is terrible, why give him false hope that he's going to be the next Irvine Welsh

DenMan

He started his work over four and a half years ago. A lot may have changed in that time and he did come here looking for advice. Of course he needs to tone it down. Constructive criticism is one but shutting him down is something completely different.

plissken

DenMan wrote: »

He started his work over four and a half years ago. A lot may have changed in that time and he did come here looking for advice. Of course he needs to tone it down. Constructive criticism is one but shutting him down is something completely different.

I admire your optimism, however me personally, I'm afraid that I can't ignore that old adage of "You can't polish a turd"

geuro

I like it. If i was one of the first to reply, and I read it 4 years ago, I would take the time to go into greater detail. The racism, the way the central character explicitly offers brand names, music interests etc - all of these contribute to the overall feeling of the story for me. I have met people like this before, I think the op did a good job of introducing a character. I like Raiser's paragraph too, even though he's taking the pis5.

Raiser

plissken wrote: »

I admire your optimism, however me personally, I'm afraid that I can't ignore that old adage of "You can't polish a turd"

The Sun and the Moon arced in the sky, continually trading places as the lonely figured toiled in earnest. His spine arched and two shoulder blades undulated as he feverishly attended to his obsession. Around him what could in time become a museum exhibit of convenience food packaging blew executing giddy whirls in the breeze. But Plissken's pink-rimmed eyes noticed not as they fixated on his never ending quest, much like a love lorn teen over intensely eyes the object of their affections.

There was no way to count these long days and nights - nobody could guess at the duration of Plissken's oddessy. For this reason it seemed surreal and other-wordly to see him there that morning when he finally threw open the door to the place he had transformed into an odd, eerie crypt. Crying he feel on both knees and wept wretchedly, uncontrollably - a personification of embodied sorrow and abject misery. When he did speak it was through a larynx all but stripped bare by the fumes from Brasso, Silvo and countless other household and industrial polishing products. Rasping and wheezing he coaxed out the words one by one: "you" - "can't" - "polish" - "a" - "turd".

geuro

Ha!