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Fiancé looking at gay porn, please help

  • 22-06-2009 04:37PM
    #1
    miss dove
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15 ✭


    Hi. Am hoping someone on here can give me some advice. I'm too embarrassed to tell my friends and theres no way I'd say to any of my family. I'm due to get married in 6 months and I thought everything was great (a few issues over the years but nothing too serious) and in fact thought we were a strong couple. Yesterday I saw that he had been looking at gay porn and in fact had even done a search fro meeting gay men in ireland. I was so sick,he was sitting beside me at the time though couldnt see what i was looking at. He'd been looking at it the night before while I was in bed you see. He'd looked at lots of sites as i then looked in the History thingy. I confronted him about it, he admitted it and said he was curious. What does that mean though? I'm so hurt and confused. My world has fallen apart. I had to keep a happy face at work today yet just wanted to cry. We talked about it last night. He said he loves me, wants to marry me, would never cheat on me(yet that's how it feels to me now), would never want to take it any further, he isnt gay etc. I really dont know what to think but cant talk to anyone as if I decide to forgive him, I wouldnt want anyone holding it against him, you know? God, please help me. I know I love him. I kept looking at him last night and my heart was breaking for him as much as for myself. I'm not stupid, I understand the possible implications for us but when its so close to you, you just cant think straight. We are supposed to be going to a concert tonight for his birthday present. I dont know what to do about anything. I havent even decided if he should move out.


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Comments

  • #2
    snowy2008
    Closed Accounts Posts: 468 ✭✭snowy2008


    i think you already know the answer to this deep down, curiosity will get the better of him, your going to have to bite the bullet here and finish with him, sorry to be the bearer of bad news but it sounds really dodgy


  • #3
    spurious
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Education Moderators, Paid Member Posts: 27,467 CMod ✭✭✭✭spurious


    Show him what you have posted here.

    Looking at gay sites or pictures of men does not mean he's gay, nor does it mean he may ever act on his curiosity. Perhaps the proximity to the wedding has made him consider lots of things. It's also possible he is gay, or not gay, or genuinely just curious.

    You need to talk to him.

    You have to make it clear to him how much this has upset you.


  • #4
    miss dove
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15 ✭miss dove


    thanks for your replies. i have talked to him til we were both shattered from it. I'm drained. I will show him what Ive posted here, thanks for that. God, how your life can be turned upside down in a matter of seconds.


  • #5
    Permabear
    Closed Accounts Posts: 38,989 ✭✭✭✭Permabear


    This post has been deleted.


  • #6
    seanybiker
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,898 ✭✭✭✭seanybiker


    he is only curios. I wouldnt finish with him over it. He owned upto it and hat a great chat with you about it. He is getting married in a few months, settle down have kids and the rest. He probably just wants to see what the other half do is all. I seen gay porn before and im not gay. I just look for some mad stuff on the sites and sometimes the things they do can work for same sex couples aswell. Got some shocks when two fellas popped up lol. Seriously though. I honestly cant see him deciding he is gay and leaving ya. Fair enough I dont know him so I cant say that 100%. At least ye have a while to sort it out before the wedding. Catching him has probably scared the bejaysus outta him anyways. Why where you checking the history in the first place.


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  • #7
    miss dove
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15 ✭miss dove


    thanks for that donegalfella. Its good to get some words of calm and other peoples perspective.


  • #8
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,005 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I know what you're going through OP, something similar happened to me recently, it really feels like your world has ended, and it's hard to cope with that especially when you look at him and realise how much you love him.

    I confronted him too, he told me it was nothing, that it was not the way it looked, he made up some feeble reason why he was on that site, I didn't believe him but I also didn't believe he was meeting people, I told him if he said I had nothing to worry about then I would believe him because I love him and trust him. I think he lied because he was embarrassed not that the did anything actually wrong, but I regret not discussing it in detail, at the time I just wanted to go away and I don't want to go there again. But, who knows, I know some people will thing I'm foolish for believing him etc, but I love him and have to have fate in him that he wouldn't do anything to hurt me. Only time will tell if I was right to trust him and sometimes it's hard, for one thing seeing similar threads brings it all back.

    So, OP, it's up to you, only you know your guy, but just because he was curious, bored one evening doesn't mean anything, even if he enjoys watching gay porn doesn't mean he is gay.

    I really hope it works out for you, at least he is talking to you about it.

    Good luck.


  • #9
    SarahSassy
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,145 ✭✭✭SarahSassy


    OP i would certainly go to couples counselling before marrying him. This needs to be talked out together and independently.


  • #10
    togster
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,931 ✭✭✭togster


    Are you in love with him?


  • #11
    Zulu
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,967 ✭✭✭✭Zulu


    I would have taught that there was nothing to suggest that looking at gay porn is more likely to lead to cheating.
    You need to figure out if you believe that or not I guess.


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  • #12
    jane says
    Closed Accounts Posts: 44 ✭jane says


    Yesterday I saw that he had been looking at gay porn
    I wouldn't be worried about this.
    and in fact had even done a search fro meeting gay men in ireland.
    But this on the other hand would make me less happy. I would talk to him more about this.


  • #13
    candy-gal1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,568 ✭✭✭candy-gal1


    he could be just curious about different things, you dont know yet i supose! anyway tis better that seeing him looking through a straight dating website! thats more likely cheating, in my opininion! :)
    good luck!


  • #14
    Max Power1
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,179 ✭✭✭✭Max Power1


    candy-gal1 wrote: »
    he could be just curious about different things, you dont know yet i supose! anyway tis better that seeing him looking through a straight dating website! thats more likely cheating, in my opininion! :)
    good luck!
    I disagree, looking through a dating site is not healthy for a relationship, be it a straight/gay/bi/any others type. OP I would be sitting him down and talking this through. Establish why he feels a need to look at a dating website if he is in a relationship with you. The orientation of the site is immaterial really.


  • #15
    CDfm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,649 ✭✭✭✭CDfm


    People look up mad stuff on the internet all the time out of curiousity. That doesnt make him bisexual or homosexual or anything.

    He could easily have been trying to compare himself with others.


  • #16
    An Fear Aniar
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,377 ✭✭✭An Fear Aniar


    teresa2008 wrote: »
    i think you already know the answer to this deep down, curiosity will get the better of him, your going to have to bite the bullet here and finish with him, sorry to be the bearer of bad news but it sounds really dodgy

    That's nuts, he's just looking at stuff on the internet. If you find him in bed with some bloke or buying gay vids or talking excitedly about interior decorating then you should be worried. He's just having a scope about, probably nothing more than that.

    I'm sure there are straight women that are curious about lesbians and their sapphic rites and what they get up to, doesn't make them rug munchers, does it?


    .


  • #17
    Max Power1
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,179 ✭✭✭✭Max Power1


    Yes but the thing here is that he wasnt just looking at gay porn, (which im sure every man does at one stage or another - even in curiosity), he was on a dating website. Two very different things IMO


  • #18
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,005 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Well you caught him, I don't know him but Ill tell you about me if you like.

    I would consider myself to be straight, Ive never been with a man nor have I ever even been attracted to a man.

    Sometimes I look at gay porn for the curiosity aspect of it, and sometimes it make me aroused. I honestly can tell you that it is only curiosity, I have no intention of every going off with a guy, but sometimes you are in a mood. From the sounds of it your fiance is probably doing the same thing. And I know if a few more people had the guts to say it, they would admit to the same crime

    They did an experiment about 15 years ago when they showed gay porn to 100 straight men. Almost 90% became aroused by watching it.

    In summation, try not to worry about it. There are plenty of other things to be worried about now with the wedding plans and all. If you are really paranoid, get some key logging software and install it and then you can see exactly what he does on the computer


  • #19
    LauraLoo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 170 ✭✭LauraLoo


    I agree with the couples counselling if the air hasnt been cleared after your draining talk. But at the same time- you dont want to make it into something thats bigger than it is.

    I believe that the majority of people are curious and will at one stage or another have a little peak. What you need to make clear is that you do not appreciate him looking at dating websites in your relationship and that he needs to make a decision before he gets married, if he is willing to accept that.

    If it was me, id go online with him while he's exploring it. Id ask him to share his curiosity with me and that as a couple, we can explore it together. Get it out of his system. TBH i'd personally tell him to go off and go on a date with another man if thats what he's looking for- make him confront it. If he thinks he is gay and wants to be with someone else then at least you know before you get married. Its more likely that at the thoughts of being "permitted" to do it- the curiosity will wane. Dont take it personal- if you take your personal self out of the picture and explore it as his friend rather than his lover; you can both get through this.

    There is no point in brushing it under the carpet- even if it is a curiosity; you are better off confronting it together than brushing it under the carpet and him being faced with the same curiosity in 10 years time when you potentially have kids.


  • #20
    CDfm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,649 ✭✭✭✭CDfm


    Laura Loo - thats one lot of very practical advice.


  • #21
    miss dove
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15 ✭miss dove


    thanks everyone for taking time to reply. I really appreciate it, especially when I couldn't talk to this to any of my friends. We talked about it last night at length. He said he was stupid, he had no intention of ever being with a man, he knew he definitely wasnt gay. Yes, he gets aroused by watching/looking at it but the thought of being with a man turns him off. However, as most of you said its the fact that he did a search for meeting men that has really thrown me. Regardless of the sex of the person, its heartbreaking to find out your partner has been doing this. When I asked him about this he just said he didn't know why he did it. I find it a bit too feeble to be honest. However, we've (I've) decided to stay together. We both know that it will take time to build up the trust and be the way we were. Life aint easy eh?


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  • #22
    CDfm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,649 ✭✭✭✭CDfm


    Miss Dove - its not really feeble. Lots of guys dont ever get the opportunity to have the discussion you have had with your OH. Imagine down in the pup lads Ive been looking at one of these Gay Dating sites or to your best mate "Scuse me I want to discuss sexuality". Or in this case - I just wanted to see what all the fuss was about.


  • #23
    miss dove
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15 ✭miss dove


    I hope you're right CDfm. so hard to know what to do for the best. You don't have to say, but are you a man? Just would be helpful to get a man's point of view on this in an anonymous way, you know?


  • #24
    CDfm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,649 ✭✭✭✭CDfm


    miss dove wrote: »
    I hope you're right CDfm. so hard to know what to do for the best. You don't have to say, but are you a man? Just would be helpful to get a man's point of view on this in an anonymous way, you know?

    I am a guy & I have an 18 year old son & 15 year old daughter. Lads learn about stuff from their older friends in a way thats very amusing looking back on it. Guys will be inquisitive about porn and stuff like the gay website in a forbidden way very differently - simply thru puberty alone you have completely different experiences.

    Girls will discuss stuff whereas guys dont and the curiousness probably got the better of him in an "I wonder what people see in it " kind of way.Guy group activities sports music etc are very macho showing that there is general approval of whats many in a non-sexual way but still very masculine.

    I'm divorced so my kids upbringing will have been different and I needed to make time to deliberately discuss stuff.

    I dont think your OH has done anything different then lots of other guys with the exception that he got caught looking by you. Most guys get caught by their Mum or Dad. It seems to me-if anything- that your fella has just looked at it a bit later then most.

    LauraLoos advise is spot because like most Irish guys he has probably been hopelessly prepared for a relationship or discussing sex.Good for you if you take the advice.

    Everything you posted seems quite normal to me BTW.He must be very embarrassed - I would have been.


  • #25
    miss dove
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15 ✭miss dove


    thanks very much for that. You have been very helpful and honest. I suppose it will just take time to build up the trust again and the fact that I love him will no doubt be the most important factor. Thanks once again


  • #26
    SuperDude87
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 342 ✭✭SuperDude87


    Im delighted you 2 are going to work it out and I sympathise with you OP you must feel devestated. Why dont you use his concert tickets tonight to go out and forget completely about it?

    Wish you both happiness and all the best!


  • #27
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,005 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Just an aside to what has been said above.

    You said that you might ask him to move out? Are you renting, joint owners or does one of you have sole or majority ownership in your abode.


  • #28
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,005 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I'm after reading through this thread and to be honest a lot of the replies are far-fetched.

    My take on this is your fiance is not a gay man but most likely bisexual.

    I think the real issue here is him not coming out so to speak to you as regards his sexuality. I think this is the nub of the issue as regards the shock factor. I mean if the porn was hetrosexual would you be so concerned? I doubt it.

    I will also say that if he comes out to you as being bisexual this in no way will mean he cannot maintain a monogamous relationship with you any less than a hetrosexual man can. I think this is a big mis-conception amoungst people regarding bi people.


  • #29
    Liam Byrne
    Closed Accounts Posts: 18,152 ✭✭✭✭Liam Byrne


    Max Power1 wrote: »
    Yes but the thing here is that he wasnt just looking at gay porn, (which im sure every man does at one stage or another - even in curiosity)

    WHAT ? :eek: You're "sure" wrong there, that's for sure!

    I can't even imagine the curiosity factor, let alone that the OP says that he gets turned on by it.

    I'd seriously consider that her O/H is - at best - bi.


  • #30
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,005 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi OP

    I am a very happily married hetrosexual man who looks at gay porn.

    I would say am gay curious and the fantasy of it gets me really excited while masturbating, however I would NEVER ever do anything about it and the thoughts of actually doing the deed does not excite me one bit, its the forbidden aspect of it, the excitment of it and the, (I suppose) hornyness of being a 'dirty boy' that gets me off.

    Don't be rash and make a life changing decision on this, it is very possible that he is just like me.

    I stress again that I do not find men in the least bit attractive and I have never in my life looked at a man face to face and felt/though that I would like to kiss/have sexual relations with him.

    Its just a fantasy about a 'dirty sex' deed thats 'forbidden' to me, the fact its a man and not a woman is not the issue for me, its just the fact thats it the most forbidden type of sex I could have.

    I hope this helps you and I would maybe show this post to your boyfriend and see if it strikes a chord with him.

    (just to give you a back round on me, I am very happily married, have 2 children and have been with my partner who I adore for 16 years). I have never even cheated and never would.

    all the best.


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  • #31
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 53,068 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Max Power1 wrote: »
    Yes but the thing here is that he wasnt just looking at gay porn, (which im sure every man does at one stage or another - even in curiosity), he was on a dating website. Two very different things IMO

    I agree with this. If he was just looking at gay porn I might be a bit freaked but the dating site would be a definite deal breaker for me.

    Be careful that you don't just go with the flow just because you have all your wedding plans in place. Make sure you are 100% happy with your decision before you walk up the aisle.

    Best of luck xx


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