Two years married and my wife is off sex!!! Should I go to elsewhere?

Gaillimh Abu!! · 19-06-2009 01:54PM #1

I got married to my wife 2years ago and she has all but lost total interest in sex or cuddling or anything. We always had a brilliant sex life up until we got married. Then for some reason it has all but stoped. We have mads love twice since xmas and the last time was in feb. I have tried talking, wends away, holidays to the sun, you name it I have tried it...

I have never cheated on her, and I dont want to, but the lack of sex is driving me to distraction. I know I wil be shot down for saying this, but do you guys think that if I went to a massage parlour then it would relieve my stress and prevent me from nagging my wife for it. We get on the very best everywhere else but once I mention the subject, she goes on the defensive straight away.

help!!!!

Barracudaincork · 19-06-2009 02:00PM

Why does she get defensive? Is it the way you approach her or no matter what you do she reacts the same? You say nagging her for sex, to be honest i would be telling you to get lost, if you nagged me for sex. I think you mightnt mean it literally though.

Its a tough one, but i dont think a massage parlour is the answer, it make give you short term relief (in more ways than one!!!) but in the long run the issue will still be there, so the only true solution is to deal with the issue.

If she wont talk to you, how about you write it down what you are feelings and your thoughts, that way no one can get emotional and all defensive etc Do you have any idea as to where this lack of sex drive has come from? Any stress or emotional trauma happened since xmas etc?

LegacyUser · 19-06-2009 02:02PM

Is she on the pill? That can cause a woman to lose all interest.

A massage parlour is a very bad idea. The internet is swimming with porn.

VaioCruiser · 19-06-2009 02:16PM

Gaillimh Abu!! wrote: »

I got married to my wife 2years ago and she has all but lost total interest in sex or cuddling or anything. We always had a brilliant sex life up until we got married. Then for some reason it has all but stoped. We have mads love twice since xmas and the last time was in feb. I have tried talking, wends away, holidays to the sun, you name it I have tried it...

I have never cheated on her, and I dont want to, but the lack of sex is driving me to distraction. I know I wil be shot down for saying this, but do you guys think that if I went to a massage parlour then it would relieve my stress and prevent me from nagging my wife for it. We get on the very best everywhere else but once I mention the subject, she goes on the defensive straight away.

help!!!!

I'm sorry to be so hard but i say first of all get a grip ! If you love your wife then you can get closer to finding out what the problem is and tackle it before you think of looking for sex elsewhere. Why has her libido dropped so much ? has she told you ? does she know ? has she consulted anyone ? have you worked on it ?

Gaillimh Abu!! · 19-06-2009 02:28PM

Barracudaincork wrote: »

Why does she get defensive? Is it the way you approach her or no matter what you do she reacts the same? You say nagging her for sex, to be honest i would be telling you to get lost, if you nagged me for sex. I think you mightnt mean it literally though.

Its a tough one, but i dont think a massage parlour is the answer, it make give you short term relief (in more ways than one!!!) but in the long run the issue will still be there, so the only true solution is to deal with the issue.

If she wont talk to you, how about you write it down what you are feelings and your thoughts, that way no one can get emotional and all defensive etc Do you have any idea as to where this lack of sex drive has come from? Any stress or emotional trauma happened since xmas etc?

Sorry I phrased the nagging bit wrong... I have said nothing for the last 8-10weeks and she hasnt metioned it. She is the happest person other wise. She said that she can live without sex, and that she dosent bother her. But b4 we got married she was like a rabbit!!!!

There is no stress or anything and is always in a great mood but when its mentioned or anything she goes on the defensive, therefore I havent metioned in it 8-10weeks. We have a ball otherwise, but im frustrated (if u know what I mean!!!)

Gaillimh Abu!! · 19-06-2009 02:32PM

VaioCruiser wrote: »

I'm sorry to be so hard but i say first of all get a grip ! If you love your wife then you can get closer to finding out what the problem is and tackle it before you think of looking for sex elsewhere. Why has her libido dropped so much ? has she told you ? does she know ? has she consulted anyone ? have you worked on it ?

She is as happy as a lord in every other way!!! She dosent think that its an issue as we get on so well. Ya have tried talking but and she thinks its normal, and that every woman goes off sex when they get married. Im not looking for sex elsewhere, just hand relief!!! Im goin to get slated for sayin that....

LegacyUser · 19-06-2009 02:34PM

the question about the pill is very valid I think. Myself and my EX had a very active sex life, a slow week where the two of us had a lot on in work we'd still manage at least once or twice during the week and make up for it at the weekends. The last year of our relationship though it really started grinding to a halt. Slowly at first but started getting more noticeable as time went on and excuses started wearing thin. In the end we were down to once a month if that. What we failed to do when we had the chance was talk about it as we were stressed in other ways, preparing for a wedding for one. It was only after we broke up and the lack of sex came into the conversation that she said she had noticed her sex drive going south when she had changed her brand of pill. Just a pity this hadn't been mentioned when together. It wasn't the cause of our breakup, but it definitely didn't help and became one of her reasons why we weren't working as a couple. Conveniently forgot that I had never lost my sex drive and was still attracted to her!!!

Zulu · 19-06-2009 02:35PM

tell her you idea of marrage, and hers are moving, rapidly in total polar opposite dirrections.
tell her you are prepared to work to fix it.
ask her is she.
if she's not - time to move on.

PCPhoto · 19-06-2009 02:40PM

Unregistered wrote: »

Is she on the pill? That can cause a woman to lose all interest.

A massage parlour is a very bad idea. The internet is swimming with porn.

The internet has porn ????

seriously ... all you can do is offer counselling/talk to your WIFE .....maybe theres problems she isnt comfortable discussing, maybe you should listen to her instead of trying to get your rocks off.

LegacyUser · 19-06-2009 02:47PM

Zulu wrote: »

tell her you idea of marrage, and hers are moving, rapidly in total polar opposite dirrections.
tell her you are prepared to work to fix it.
ask her is she.
if she's not - time to move on.

+1

there is no point in not talking about it. put it to her in very plain terms. sex life is a very big part of any relationship. she has to understand that. if you don't talk to her about it then things will trundle on as it - can you handle that? going to a massage parlour is out of the question. you have to tackle it with her. if she responds negatively, as the previous poster said, its time to move on. you can go to all the massage parlours in the world you want to then - at least give her the respect of trying to sort through it first before calling time on your marraige and going to a prostitute.

Barracudaincork · 19-06-2009 03:02PM

Gaillimh Abu!! wrote: »

She is as happy as a lord in every other way!!! She dosent think that its an issue as we get on so well. Ya have tried talking but and she thinks its normal, and that every woman goes off sex when they get married. Im not looking for sex elsewhere, just hand relief!!! Im goin to get slated for sayin that....

Well if you thought you would get slated, i surely am now!

Hand relief: Have you tried that old method of sitting on your hand till its numb trick???

Sex once married: I have heard this excuse so many times, its not funny! No all women dont go off sex when they are married and if she says that again, ask her why her need to be like all other women?

From what you say there is no outside influence as to why she no longer wants sex, so IMO its a case of now i have you, i dont have to do anything anymore, its like that old joke what the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A wife doesnt do bl*wjobs, cause she doesnt have to anymore.

SarahSassy · 19-06-2009 03:06PM

Gaillimh Abu!! wrote: »

Sorry I phrased the nagging bit wrong... I have said nothing for the last 8-10weeks and she hasnt metioned it. She is the happest person other wise. She said that she can live without sex, and that she dosent bother her. But b4 we got married she was like a rabbit!!!!

There is no stress or anything and is always in a great mood but when its mentioned or anything she goes on the defensive, therefore I havent metioned in it 8-10weeks. We have a ball otherwise, but im frustrated (if u know what I mean!!!)

Thats not good enough. She is not keeping up her side of the bargain. I am not saying to force her but she is being selfih and inconsiderate. Why did she want to get married? Does she want to have kids? Was her pre-wedding sexual energy just a trap to get you to marry her. Its not right and its not fair. She needs to get help to get this back on track. My guess is that she is just lazy and complacent.

Trinity · 19-06-2009 03:14PM

Dont mean to sound cruel OP but it sounds like the spark has gone

My now ex could have well written that post. I had post natal depression after our kid was born, i still found him incredibly attractive, and i loved him, but i think we just fell into a rut and i started to love him more like a brother!

The rows were ongoing and got nasty, him saying he'd get it elsewhere, he was not willing at 29 to say his sex life was over, me telling him all he wanted was sex on tap etc etc and at the end of the relationship i was so frustrated by myself i honestly think i would've let him, even though it would've killed me

Shes in her comfort zone now and you are keeping the peace but i really think you should approach her about the seriousness of the situation, cos this timebomb is just waiting to explode

I was selfish with my ex, i thought he'd happily potter along doing things my way and even though he did that, i know he wasnt happy and didnt feel wanted, it began to show, we started drifting apart and the strain of that on top of everything else got too much and even thou the breakup was not directly related to the sex, it certainly played a part in the deterioration of our relationship.

Curvy Vixen · 19-06-2009 03:15PM

Gaillimh Abu!! wrote: »

I know I wil be shot down for saying this, but do you guys think that if I went to a massage parlour then it would relieve my stress and prevent me from nagging my wife for it.

help!!!!

Do you think that a massage would do it? It would relieve your stress that's for sure. Not sure that it would relieve your lack of sex though. I would think if you are looking for 'hand relief' as you put it then you need a prostitute, brothel, mistress etc rather than a nice massage.

Anyway, I'm with everyone else. If you have already tried to talk about it then you haven't gotten the point across to her properly if she is fobbing you off with 'every woman goes off sex when they get married'. You need to get her to actually 'hear' what you are saying when you say it's a deal breaker for you.

I was in your position when I got married except my husband believed that it was a case of 'married now, no need to work on the relationship anymore'. We are no longer together. I tried and tried to get my point across but he just wouldn't listen.

If one person in a relationship has a problem, then both of you have a responsibility to try and deal with it. Cheating isn't the answer. Communication is. If she doesn't want to listen or help deal with this then you need to decide the next best step for you.

Oh The Humanity · 19-06-2009 03:16PM

Gaillimh Abu!! wrote: »

She dosent think that its an issue as we get on so well.

Well, tell her it most certainly is an issue. There are two people in the marriage so she is going to have to learn that she cannot just decide to cease sex and expect you to put up with it.

Be clear to her that this IS an important issue and you want a proper discussion on it. Her becoming defensive is not acceptable. It has to be discussed.

Gaillimh Abu!! wrote: »

Ya have tried talking but and she thinks its normal, and that every woman goes off sex when they get married.

Hmph!!! So she pulled the infamous 'switch'. Gave the impression of a normal sexual appetite, concealed these attitudes from you before marriage, then once you were well and truly trapped she springs this bull$hit on you that she can live without sex. Well tell her you cant and ask her whats her plan?

Gaillimh Abu!! wrote: »

Im not looking for sex elsewhere, just hand relief!!! Im goin to get slated for sayin that....

This is what I can never get about people who withhold sex. They refuse to have sex, get all aggro if they are confronted and refuse to discuss it and then they get all bent out of shape if their partner wants to go elsewhere!

Like they cant have it all ways. If I was refusing someone sex and they went elsewhere I would only have myself to blame.

She cant have it all ways. If she doesnt want to be with you then I dont see why you should have to stay in a sexless marriage. Yeh you get on well but thats not enough, you cant go on like this for the rest of your lives.

PinkTulips · 19-06-2009 03:45PM

Saying all women go off sex during marriage is a load of crock, whatever her problems with sex i take serious issue with her lumping all women with the same bizarre complacancy.

Sex is a fundamental part of a relationship, i've been with my boyfriend for 7 years and we have 3 kids. We have had slow patches.. during my first pregnancy for instance as we were both so worried about losing the baby (repeated miscarriages's before having her) that i simply couldn't relax and enjoy it so we only did it a few times during those 9 months. For 90% of our relationship though we have had a healthy and active sex life, yes sometimes one or the other of us is more tired and our libido's flag a bit and after the births of my children there were gaps of up to 3 months between the births and having sex again, due to exhaustion and fear on my part. But at the end of the day we're attracted to each other and that attraction leads to sex.

I'm sorry to say this but the only reason i can think of that she'd not want to do it is that's she's no longer sexually attracted to you.

You need to talk, explain to her exactly how big a problem this is and ask her honestly if this is how she envisages your lives for the next 50 years. if it is tell her that that's simply not how you want to live your life, that you need sex even if she doesn't.

Councelling, for her or for both of you, would probably be the best course of action imo.

Gaillimh Abu!! · 19-06-2009 04:06PM

Unregistered wrote: »

the question about the pill is very valid I think. Myself and my EX had a very active sex life, a slow week where the two of us had a lot on in work we'd still manage at least once or twice during the week and make up for it at the weekends. The last year of our relationship though it really started grinding to a halt. Slowly at first but started getting more noticeable as time went on and excuses started wearing thin. In the end we were down to once a month if that. What we failed to do when we had the chance was talk about it as we were stressed in other ways, preparing for a wedding for one. It was only after we broke up and the lack of sex came into the conversation that she said she had noticed her sex drive going south when she had changed her brand of pill. Just a pity this hadn't been mentioned when together. It wasn't the cause of our breakup, but it definitely didn't help and became one of her reasons why we weren't working as a couple. Conveniently forgot that I had never lost my sex drive and was still attracted to her!!!

No she not on the pill. Theres no need for her 2b on it!!! It never agreed with her. So I do the responsible thing.....

Gaillimh Abu!! · 19-06-2009 04:11PM

Councelling, for her or for both of you, would probably be the best course of action imo.[/quote]

She wont go to councilling because she thinks that its normal, and that I have 2high of a sex drive.

Its frustrating, cos you then start to look at other options, even though you dont want to......

Trinity · 19-06-2009 04:15PM

Gaillimh Abu!! wrote: »

Councelling, for her or for both of you, would probably be the best course of action imo.

She wont go to councilling because she thinks that its normal, and that I have 2high of a sex drive.

Its frustrating, cos you then start to look at other options, even though you dont want to......[/QUOTE]

Its not normal, its the sign of a relationship in trouble, she obviously doesnt realise this and you have to make her try

Oh The Humanity · 19-06-2009 04:23PM

She wont go to councilling because she thinks that its normal, and that I have 2high of a sex drive.

You have got to have words with her and explain this is not normal and she is driving you to think of cheating.

If she wont listen then you dont have much choice other than to end the marriage.

LegacyUser · 19-06-2009 04:23PM

Curvy Vixen wrote: »

Do you think that a massage would do it? It would relieve your stress that's for sure. Not sure that it would relieve your lack of sex though. I would think if you are looking for 'hand relief' as you put it then you need a prostitute, brothel, mistress etc rather than a nice massage.

Just on the teansy, weensiest chance you were being serious - massage parlour is another name for brothel.

Barracudaincork · 19-06-2009 04:27PM

Gaillimh Abu!! wrote: »

She wont go to councilling because she thinks that its normal, and that I have 2high of a sex drive.

......

Turn around and tell her you wished you never married her then, if you knew that would of happened, you would of rathered her to continue being your girlfriend and you having sex, than her being your wife and not!

Gaillimh Abu!! · 19-06-2009 04:41PM

Cheers Guys for all the responces,

Im going to try and sort it out this weekend. If that dosent work I will be back here on monday with a Thread/posting looking for a massage parlour or a brothel..... So have some numbers ready in case!!!!!!!!!!!

LegacyUser · 19-06-2009 04:41PM

Gaillimh Abu!! wrote: »

No she not on the pill. Theres no need for her 2b on it!!! It never agreed with her. So I do the responsible thing.....

I was just asking as a possibility because the pill can cause a woman to lose all interest in sex.

shellyboo · 19-06-2009 04:45PM

Gaillimh Abu!! wrote: »

Cheers Guys for all the responces,

Im going to try and sort it out this weekend. If that dosent work I will be back here on monday with a Thread/posting looking for a massage parlour or a brothel..... So have some numbers ready in case!!!!!!!!!!!

I agree that you need to TALK about it, but you can't expect her to perform on demand. You cannot put her under pressure like that... "have sex with me by Monday or I'm off to get it elsewhere".

It's going to take a lot of time and energy to fix this. But you owe it to her to try to fix it, and she owes it to you. If you need to, tell her you've thought about going elsewhere, that's how serious this is... she should be sufficiently horrified by this to take you seriously.

Just make it clear to her that you're not happy with a sexless marriage and get her ideas on how to resolve that. But you can't put a time limit on it.

beertons · 19-06-2009 04:46PM

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

she is driving you to think of cheating.

Don't bother saysing that to her, that'll be the worst thing she could hear. Has she spoken to any of her friends about this? Have you? Are they all doing doing what she's doing?

Overature · 19-06-2009 04:48PM

the more you leave it the worse it could get, you need to sit down and talk to her, find out what the problem is

Oh The Humanity · 19-06-2009 04:54PM

beertons wrote: »

Don't bother saysing that to her, that'll be the worst thing she could hear. Has she spoken to any of her friends about this? Have you? Are they all doing doing what she's doing?

Why not?

Its true isn't it.

She's deliberately evading the issue and trying to blank any attempts to get it sorted.

She needs to get out of delusion and face reality.

If he says this to her now, at least when he asks for a divorce down the line she can't throw it back in his face saying she wasn't warned.

He needs to get her attention.

Trinity · 19-06-2009 05:06PM

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

Why not?

Its true isn't it.

She's deliberately evading the issue and trying to blank any attempts to get it sorted.

She needs to get out of delusion and face reality.

If he says this to her now, at least when he asks for a divorce down the line she can't throw it back in his face saying she wasn't warned.

He needs to get her attention.

This is a tricky one. This was said to me and in all honestly it made me even more unable to 'perform' i felt under such pressure that if i didnt put out he was gonna shag someone else, then i got insecure when he was going out and paranoid, which made me angry, so it was a vicious circle

The best thing to do is mention its as serious as breaking up, that will get her attention enough without adding pressure and insecurity into the mix

LegacyUser · 19-06-2009 05:06PM

My wife and I sufferd a similar problem, although for us it was after the birth of our kids.

I found myself dropping hints about 'later' and ending up sitting watching crap TV with her until we went to bed and she'd be too tired. It got to the point where she was always tired or not in the mood. On the infrequent occasions where we did have sex we both enjoyed it.

This in turn added to the frustration as I take making love to my wife over and episode of ER/sex and the city anytime. Not the case with my missus at the time though.

Eventually after months of friction I'd had enough. I explained how much the physical part of our relationship meant to me and that if she felt she didn't want that anymore I wasn't interested in continuing the marriage. I'm not sex mad. Once/twice a week would have done me but most importantly was touching and being touched affectionately outside of the bedroom. A hug from behind or a caress.

Anyway, much the same as you my wife had been constantly defensive on the issue and when I began the ultimatum she became defensive until I ponted out we hadn't had sex in 10 weeks and this was now a major problem.

This was the first truly honest conversation we had and essentially it came down to my wife falling into the habit of not being bothered about sex. She knew it was important to me but until the ultimatum arrived she had no reason to change.

Since that day we have worked at our sex life and we are both happy where it is at. Since my wife has stopped being a passenger in our sex life she and I are also more satisfied.

I feel I better qualify all of the above, I adore my wife, I've never wanted to be with another woman since I met her and the last thing I wanted was an end to our relationship; life is short though and IMO you only get one chance at it so there is no point in making do with a miserable situation that forces you to be a liar to yourself and those you love.

iguana · 19-06-2009 06:03PM

shellyboo wrote: »

I agree that you need to TALK about it, but you can't expect her to perform on demand. You cannot put her under pressure like that... "have sex with me by Monday or I'm off to get it elsewhere".

It's going to take a lot of time and energy to fix this. But you owe it to her to try to fix it, and she owes it to you. If you need to, tell her you've thought about going elsewhere, that's how serious this is... she should be sufficiently horrified by this to take you seriously.

Just make it clear to her that you're not happy with a sexless marriage and get her ideas on how to resolve that. But you can't put a time limit on it.

+1.

When you talk to her do remember that if you get her to see that this is a big problem for you and she resolves to work on it that it will probably still take time work out. The problem could be anything from a negative effect of hormonal birth control, a serious deep rooted trauma that has caused her sexual desire to die or anything in between. The good news is that while it may take a while to work out you have the rest of your lives to have great sex together if you can make it work.

Before you talk to her work out exactly what it is you want. Be careful about telling her you are considering seeking release with someone else. How would you really feel if she said she doesn't want sex so she is happy for you to sleep with other women? Even if it seemed like the solution now it could still ruin your marriage. You could find the whole thing hollow and find yourself feeling even more rejected or she could say it to end the conversation and react badly if you really did it.

You do need to resolve this but tread gently. Try not to get frustrated while you talk to her and if things get too heated or upsetting for either of you take a break from the talk.

Two years married and my wife is off sex!!! Should I go to elsewhere?

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