So tired of playing happy with daughter's gran and feel like I'm going to explode

LegacyUser · 19-05-2009 11:43AM #1

This is probably a bit of a rant but just need to put it down to try clear my head.

I had a daughter 4 years ago following a one night stand. While pregnant he firstly decided he was going to be supportive and then nearer the end of the preganancy stood back completely, denying the baby was his. I have worked hard since she was born to try get him somewhat involved although he likes an hours journey away, but he is adimant he is not setout to be a father and wants no act or part in her life. We do have a court ordered maintenance arrangement which is in play around a year or so and is paid more often than not.

About a year ago his Mum got in contact with the intention of meeting our daughter and I opened my home to her, since then she visists almost weekly and is building a good relationship with my daughter. We have been invited to her house twice in the last year while my daughters dad is not around, more recently last week, you would not in anyway know that she has a gran-daughter (her first and only granchild), there is no pictures of her around, although we have given her some professional ones which she has told me and her on numerous occasions are on the mantle for her visitors to see, but she has pictures of her sisters grandchildren.

I have worked very hard to facilitate their relationship and have spent the last year putting up a front that I'm a happy go lucky person who's ok with the fact that my daughters dad has no part in her life because I am afraid of pushing the Gran away although she has said on a few occasions that his issue is with me not with our daughter and she doesn't know what I did to make him hate me so much, so i feel it is like she is making me accountable for him not facing the fact he is a dad.

I now feel like i've hit the wall, I'm fed up of playing happy families, being housebound every weekend and pretending with being happy with the fact that I have to raise our daughter by myself. I feel what I really need is to step back from her for a while to get over the anger (albeit stupid) that I feel about her having pics of her sisters grandchildren but not her own on the mantle, it makes me feel like my daughter is a dirty secret. I'm so confused, i know I need not to have any contact with her for a while because theres a real risk i'l let rip but how do i do it, and more importantly can i do it on my daughter? I have hinted at her taking my daughter for a while instead of sitting in doors with me staring at them but she has resisted this, any advice please i'm so tired of this.

Whynotme · 19-05-2009 12:33PM

Do you feel the relationship between gran and your daughter is strong enough for you to leave your daughter there with her for a few hours? Would dad be involved if you did that? Might be worth thinking about. Start small and build up.

When a child is from a one night stand either or both parents can be bitter and angry with the other. This is natural. Maybe you just handled it better than he did, well lets face it, you had no choice. He has successfully buried his head in the sand, but at least his mum is making an effort, please don't throw it back in her face. She is probably hoping that over time her son will grow up and step up to the mark for his daughter.

Maybe give his mum, your childs grandmother, a chance to be more involved. It could be a win, win situation. She gets to see more of her, her son can't avoid his responsibilities and you get some free time and help. Don't be rash. You have got this far which is a credit to you.

ManOfMystery · 19-05-2009 12:42PM

I understand your anger but I also think the grandmother deserves some credit here.

She has decided to spend time with her grand-daughter (and I presume there is a knock-on effect of her spending time with you) regardless of her son's feelings on it, even though he is the father. SHE is the one who is taking more steps to involve her grand-daughter in her life somewhat.

Just because she does not put up a photo, I wouldn't get too hung up on that - whats more important, a photo on a mantelpiece or her actually spending real time with the little girl? Perhaps she finds it difficult to see her in the same light as the rest of her family given that her son has no involvement - there's only you and the little girl, and given that it was a one night stand I presume you don't know the grandmother very well or never had any kind of relationship with her beforehand.

IMO, the onus is entirely on the son : he's the one who won't stand up to his responsibilities and he's the one who is driving that invisible wedge between everyone.

LegacyUser · 19-05-2009 12:50PM

Whynotme wrote: »

Do you feel the relationship between gran and your daughter is strong enough for you to leave your daughter there with her for a few hours? Would dad be involved if you did that? Might be worth thinking about. Start small and build up.

When a child is from a one night stand either or both parents can be bitter and angry with the other. This is natural. Maybe you just handled it better than he did, well lets face it, you had no choice. He has successfully buried his head in the sand, but at least his mum is making an effort, please don't throw it back in her face. She is probably hoping that over time her son will grow up and step up to the mark for his daughter.

Maybe give his mum, your childs grandmother, a chance to be more involved. It could be a win, win situation. She gets to see more of her, her son can't avoid his responsibilities and you get some free time and help. Don't be rash. You have got this far which is a credit to you.

Thanks for the reply, I have suggested that she take my daughter to the park close by or even to her house that I have no problem with it but she fobs it off completely. That is exactly what I need, when she looked to meet her I felt I had someone who would possibly take over the responsiblity a bit be it for an hour every forthnight or so but instead I have someone in my home every week that I have to entertain, I'm sorry I know that sounds so mean but at the moment thats how i feel.

I don't think her dad would have any part in her life either ways he is quiet strong about his lack of feelings for her or any future role he would play in her life, i've offered him any form of relationship, on his terms however small, but he insists he wants me to steer clear of his life and doesn't want our daughter knowing anything about him now or in the future as far as he's concerned she's a mistake and she doesn't exist (his words)

I appreciate she is making the effort to know our child but i'm struggling with alot of emotions regarding her and the whole situation at the moment but equally hoping that they will pass but can't see anyway through it at the moment.

ManOfMystery · 19-05-2009 12:54PM

Unregistered wrote: »

as far as he's concerned she's a mistake and she doesn't exist (his words)

What an asshole

paperclip2 · 19-05-2009 01:59PM

Hi Op,

Thats a tough situation and you sound like you are managing it well at the moment. Well done.

If your daughters father is so vehemently anti-parenthood it might be uncomfortable for his mother to put up pictures of your daughter in her home, especially if he's there regularly. It may not be the morally right way of handling it but a lot of families will do anything for peace, even compromising on things that they shouldn't. Perhaps your daughters gran is afraid of alienating her own son if she's very open about her grand-daugter. That doesnt make it right or easy to live with but there could be all kinds of family dynamics going on there that you aren't aware of.

However its not fair of her to be pinning the blame on you for her sons decision to absent himself completely from your daughters life. If it was me I would not let those veiled insinuations pass anymore. It does look as if she is taking things out on you that are really issues she has with her own son and his behaviour. Unfortuately you are the easier target.

But there are positives, at least she is interested enough to want to be involved in your daughters life. And that is a good thing. Its down to you though, how you structure and accomodate that relationship. Also no more putting up the positive front, this situation is taking its toll on you and theres nothing wrong in letting her see just how much effort you are putting into this.
Every weekend is a bit much though, I think, I would be cutting it back to once a fortnight at least. Maybe arrange to meet her outside of home, at the park, play centre, mother and toddler group, heck even the library!

Anywhere where you dont have to be doing all of the entertaining.

Best of luck with it OP. I hope things work out for you and your daughter.

the_syco · 19-05-2009 02:15PM

Unregistered wrote: »

she doesn't know what I did to make him hate me so much, so i feel it is like she is making me accountable for him not facing the fact he is a dad.

She thinks this because she's his mother. Most mothers wil think the best of their kids. Who'd you belive: your own children, or a stranger? Don't take it personally.

What age is the dude, by the way?

kmick · 19-05-2009 02:19PM

ManOfMystery wrote: »

What an asshole

+1

metrovelvet · 19-05-2009 02:19PM

Have you considered leaving the house while shes there?

Maybe you should tell her how you feel before you end up exploding.

LegacyUser · 19-05-2009 02:27PM

The granny is having her cake and is eating too - probalbly literally in front of you every week - she is obviously keeping her little visits a closely guarded secret from the son hence no pictures etc

You have to put your foot down with her and arrange these visits with her on your terms - everything here is on her terms.

Dont feel bad if you hurt her feelings she is the one that has done a great job binging up her son to face up to his responsibilites after all.

Start bringing your child out every weekend instead of waiting for her to call - also it is important that she has pictures of the child and wont display them especially seeing as you went out of your way to get them done.

LegacyUser · 19-05-2009 03:05PM

Thanks all for the kind words and advice just to reply to a few of the queries.

My daughters dad is now 26 i'm in my early 30's but the pregnancy was as much a shock to me as it was to him as we did use precautions and I by no means wanted to bring up a child by myself but i've adapted fairly well considering.

He is aware she visits our child, not sure if he realises how often though and I think you are right she is trying to keep both sides happy by playing a part in our daughters life but playing the happy family side with him which of course as the_syco rightly pointed out all mothers will think the best of their children and make excuses, perhaps I'l be one of those mums in the future I suppose we don't know.

Reading your replies has made me think about whether my frustrations with her are possibly down to my annoyance at him, the hope I had that he would change him mind when I'd send cards at xmas and fathers day but nothing seems to have made a difference. I've already been told by her not to bother sending him a Fathers Day card this year, same as at Christmas as it would just annoy him, I had done this every year up until now. She also passes comments about how she helps him pay the maintenance because she's afraid 'he will do something silly' if he feels too much under pressure and her fears of him taking his own life if he's hassled, think it's to stop me sending him any updates on our daughter which is something I did as I said previously at xmas and fathers day.

My daughter has a playschool friends birthday party this weekend so perhaps this is the weekend for me to take control and spread it out to every forthnight until I get my head sorted, thanks for allowing me to vent I must sound so selfish and ungreatful to this woman, but I'm not really I do appreciate the effort she's going to just wish she'd ease up on the guilt statements or maybe it's me that needs to learn to let them over my head.

paperclip2 · 19-05-2009 03:52PM

Unregistered wrote: »

My daughter has a playschool friends birthday party this weekend so perhaps this is the weekend for me to take control and spread it out to every forthnight until I get my head sorted, thanks for allowing me to vent I must sound so selfish and ungreatful to this woman, but I'm not really I do appreciate the effort she's going to just wish she'd ease up on the guilt statements or maybe it's me that needs to learn to let them over my head.

You're human

! You're entitled to get frustrated and you're not ungrateful, its tough trying to keep all sides happy. Dont forget about yourself and what you want and need from all this too.

ManOfMystery · 19-05-2009 03:58PM

Unregistered wrote: »

Thanks all for the kind words and advice just to reply to a few of the queries.

My daughters dad is now 26 i'm in my early 30's but the pregnancy was as much a shock to me as it was to him as we did use precautions and I by no means wanted to bring up a child by myself but i've adapted fairly well considering.

He is aware she visits our child, not sure if he realises how often though and I think you are right she is trying to keep both sides happy by playing a part in our daughters life but playing the happy family side with him which of course as the_syco rightly pointed out all mothers will think the best of their children and make excuses, perhaps I'l be one of those mums in the future I suppose we don't know.

Reading your replies has made me think about whether my frustrations with her are possibly down to my annoyance at him, the hope I had that he would change him mind when I'd send cards at xmas and fathers day but nothing seems to have made a difference. I've already been told by her not to bother sending him a Fathers Day card this year, same as at Christmas as it would just annoy him, I had done this every year up until now. She also passes comments about how she helps him pay the maintenance because she's afraid 'he will do something silly' if he feels too much under pressure and her fears of him taking his own life if he's hassled, think it's to stop me sending him any updates on our daughter which is something I did as I said previously at xmas and fathers day.

My daughter has a playschool friends birthday party this weekend so perhaps this is the weekend for me to take control and spread it out to every forthnight until I get my head sorted, thanks for allowing me to vent I must sound so selfish and ungreatful to this woman, but I'm not really I do appreciate the effort she's going to just wish she'd ease up on the guilt statements or maybe it's me that needs to learn to let them over my head.

Have you ever had a very frank conversation with her and told her exactly what you're putting down here - that the pregnancy may not have been planned but once you knew about it you would have been more than happy for her son to be involved in his daughter's life? Does his mother have any moral standpoint on HIS actions?

I agree though that it does seem like you're projecting some of your frustrations onto her, perhaps in the absence of any other party. This is understandable but just try and save it for that absent father who doesn't know what he's missing out on.

I really do detest selfish guys like that - I'm a guy and have no children, but if it does happen you have to man up and behave responsibly - it's horribly unfair on your daughter that he chooses to shut her out like this. He will regret it some day.

ellie1 · 19-05-2009 04:00PM

Op,

I suggest that you do not send a fathers day card or xmas card again. You have tried and tried and the man is clearly not interested in being a father to your his child. Fcuk him. Granny is probably ashamed of the manner in which her son has behaved and I would lay a bet on that eventually she will say this to you. If her son is still living with her , she probably has the pictures hidden from his view. Maybe she has to listen to him giving out every time he finds out she has been to visit or maybe he dosent know.

do take time out for yourself and arrange times that suit you. Granny may be a godsend in years to come. She is proably still trying to convince him to visit his child.

thebullkf · 19-05-2009 04:06PM

ellie1 wrote: »

Op,

I suggest that you do not send a fathers day card or xmas card again. You have tried and tried and the man is clearly not interested in being a father to your his child. Fcuk him. Granny is probably ashamed of the manner in which her son has behaved and I would lay a bet on that eventually she will say this to you. If her son is still living with her , she probably has the pictures hidden from his view. Maybe she has to listen to him giving out every time he finds out she has been to visit or maybe he dosent know.

do take time out for yourself and arrange times that suit you. Granny may be a godsend in years to come. She is proably still trying to convince him to visit his child.

+1

LegacyUser · 19-05-2009 10:10PM

Hi Op,

I think you made a mistake letting the granny into your life but its not too late to pull back from this.

If the father had not made any effort in all these years being around his mother will drive you mad and your daughter in years to come. How do you explain who the granny is, the Granny of who's child?

I would have not let the Granny see her until you knew where you totally stood with the dad, if the granny wants to see her grandchild then she should be going through her son to see her and not you, you are now tangled up in their sh!T ...as if you have not been through enough yourself.

Its your life and you can do what you want if you do not want this granny in your life, then put up a clear boundary, maybe allow cards but its your X's responsibility to sort out, and i think you should protect yourself more here, she is like a stranger in your home.

Do you have parents on your side to be grandparents to your daughter, If so she will still benefit but i would not get messed up in your X's family, no way.

Sounds like you have done a great job with your daughter and are doing great, you deserve to be around people who have respect for you and your daughter, i wouldnt given them the time of day if it was me.

The Corinthian · 20-05-2009 09:04AM

Unregistered wrote: »

i feel it is like she is making me accountable for him not facing the fact he is a dad.

Perhaps she is, and this is unfair, but you are accountable for placing your daughter in a situation where there was a good chance where she would not have a father.

After all, if you have a child though a one-night-stand, you can't seriously claim that you would be ignorant of the very real chance of the likely consequences. Naturally this does not mean you are solely to blame, but neither does it mean that when there are real or even inevitable consequences to one's actions you should deny any culpability.

I have hinted at her taking my daughter for a while instead of sitting in doors with me staring at them but she has resisted this, any advice please i'm so tired of this.

Maybe she needs time. She's not happy with the situation, but she is making an effort. Perhaps, as has been suggested, you should let her know how you feel.

There are two sides to this story, and if you only view it from your own, your daughter will lose out in the end.

metrovelvet · 20-05-2009 11:29AM

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi Op,

I think you made a mistake letting the granny into your life but its not too late to pull back from this.

If the father had not made any effort in all these years being around his mother will drive you mad and your daughter in years to come. How do you explain who the granny is, the Granny of who's child?

I would have not let the Granny see her until you knew where you totally stood with the dad, if the granny wants to see her grandchild then she should be going through her son to see her and not you, you are now tangled up in their sh!T ...as if you have not been through enough yourself.

Its your life and you can do what you want if you do not want this granny in your life, then put up a clear boundary, maybe allow cards but its your X's responsibility to sort out, and i think you should protect yourself more here, she is like a stranger in your home.

Do you have parents on your side to be grandparents to your daughter, If so she will still benefit but i would not get messed up in your X's family, no way.

Sounds like you have done a great job with your daughter and are doing great, you deserve to be around people who have respect for you and your daughter, i wouldnt given them the time of day if it was me.

This is a point that deserves some reflection. What trouble up ahead are you inviting into your life by having granny involved?

At the same time it is nice for your daughter to have a connection with part of her biological heritage. It can even be argued it is her right, but as we all know rights are not automatic and the cost of enforcement is sometimes not worth it, like putting up with annoying grannies.

You cannot control what pictures she puts up in her house. It probably signals to you that she endorces her sons rejection. And this could be the case or she is a wimp of a woman who has no problem with her son telling her what to do.
That she refuses to go out in public with her grandson would tell me that she is ashamed.

missmatty · 20-05-2009 03:42PM

metrovelvet wrote: »

That she refuses to go out in public with her grandchild would tell me that she is ashamed.

FYP :pac:

This is the main part I have a problem with. Why can't she take the child out and give you a break? Is she afraid her son or the neighbours or someone will see?

It's a very sad situation and her son sounds like you are well shot of him to be honest, maybe even lucky that the extent of your previous relationship with him was a ons.

Something i have seen before with parents of a certain age, when a girl gets pregnant they always think it's her fault/she trapped him etc. You don't know what he might have told her. At least she is making some sort of an effort although when your daughter is older it will get awkward when she can ask questions about not going out with granny or granny having no pics of her up.

LegacyUser · 27-05-2009 10:23AM

Sorry I'm back again, spoke to her by phone during last week and she said she'd call in on Saturday evening after my daughter had been at the party, I agreed because I thought I could talk to her and try agree some things. I suggested she could bring her to the park, that my daughter had been asking about her so she agreed she would.

Well low and behold I got a call around mid day on Saturday to say she wouldn't be visiting on Saturday evening that she had to work late till at least mid-night, so I said we were at home on Sunday if she would like to call and she said no that she had her house to herself (daughters dad gone on holidays) so was going to have a day for herself. She rang yesterday to say she wouldn't be in this weekend either that she was busy and then went on about the anniversary party she had been at on Saturday night and how she had spent all day Sunday in bed recovering.

I suggested that she could call forthnightly and even bring my daughter out of the house to spend some time together by themselves she got the huff and didn't answer me but just asked to talk to my daughter who refused to talk to her on the phone and this has been the norm over the last month of so. I'm starting to think I've made a mistake allowing her into my daughters life.................

Do I have any obligation to facilitate their relationship, by this I mean staying in waiting for her to call the shots or do I take control and allow her to visit when it suits our family life?

Lollipops23 · 27-05-2009 11:05AM

Unregistered wrote: »

Do I have any obligation to facilitate their relationship, by this I mean staying in waiting for her to call the shots or do I take control and allow her to visit when it suits our family life?

no,you don't. if this was her father messing around like this i bet you'd have no qualms about telling him to **** or get off the pot,ie be a proper dad or stop visiting. this should be the same. it's not fair on your child to get all excited about seeing Granny only to be told she had to do something else(like get drunk) at the last minute!small kids don't understand that, which she should know herself.i say next time she calls tell her you and the baba are busy that day, and the next etc. i really don't think having nothing to do with that side of the family will have a bad affect on your kid. stand up for both of you.

Queen-Mise · 27-05-2009 11:34AM

give the granny a chance to process things too. She is to be commended for contacting despite her sons stance.

She is in as difficult a position as the mother of child is, tied between two ppl: son and granddaughter.

If this is first grandchild then she may be lacking confidence in handling of kids. Hence her reluctance to do things on her own with the child. I dont handle new kids very easy. My mother in law isnt comfortable handling kids till 3 or 4 yrs. It may suit me otherwise :-), but i have to respect her position.

In my opinion it is only a good thing she is involved. I would be inclined to develop it every way you can.

Your child will have someone from the fathers side at all the important events in their life.

My suggestion is get out of habit of staying in the house with the granny. Invite her to kids party, go to park or woods etc etc. Change the dynamic of the situation. Ask her does she mind if you fly to the shop for milk as you dont have any. Let them spend some together alone - be sneaky if you have too.

Open up to her a bit, she could be an ally. She is doing the right thing at the moment.

Think carefully on how to deal with her comments. She is processing everything too as you are. Give the woman some slack.

On fathers day and xmas, give your child the choice whether to send them or not, not you, the daddy or granny. And let the child sign them even if it is a scribble.

metrovelvet · 27-05-2009 12:22PM

Daddy didnt lick it off the stones did he?

Sounds like she agreed to what you said to avoid a confrontation but is now taking passive aggressive action. If i were you i wouldnt make it so easy for her.she can shape up or ship out.

Permabear · 27-05-2009 03:43PM

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metrovelvet · 27-05-2009 04:29PM

Very good advice from df above.

You dont have to like or respect that he doesnt want to know his daughter but you do have to respect it. However that doesnt mean you have to take **** from his mother.

I disagree with the open door policy. Open doors quickly turn into revolving doors.

LegacyUser · 27-05-2009 04:48PM

Donegalfella, we did have about a 3 month relationship after telling him I was pregnant following the o.n.s., during this time he was all for being a part of the babys life but after discussing it with a friend decided against it, the 'you trapped me' attitude started.

I've offered the open door to him for the last 4 yrs but I'm sorry I do not feel at this time I could leave it open for him until he is ready, I wasn't ready to be a mother but I still have adapted to it (yes I know it was my choice to have my daughter before any of the usual suspects quote it to me). I feel i've done my bit by opening the door to his mum, she comes into my house almost weekly I've never made her feel unwelcome even with her jibes but i've had enough now i'm going to do what is best for my daughter and Me and at the moment she is not contributing much only disappointment by not showing up or cancelling at the last minute, i have a feeling once another granchild comes along my little one will be dropped quicker than you can say her name!

Permabear · 27-05-2009 05:35PM

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LegacyUser · 27-05-2009 09:28PM

donegalfella wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

Thanks donegalfella, I hear you, a bit hard to swallow though although I wouldn't like to go the court route, no winners there.

About dropping her to her grandmothers house, thats a non runner because her dad still lives at home and doesn't want her in the house. I think i'l see how things go, two cancellatons in the last 2 weeks maybe it's a sign of things to come so it may all be taken out of my control anyway. Thanks to all for your replies.

metrovelvet · 27-05-2009 09:31PM

donegalfella wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

The courts frown on inconsistent access and if she goes to court after she has turned down access because she is too hungover to see her grandaughter a judge will eat her for lunch. It doesnt sound like shed be bothered to go to court anyway.

Did you miss the part where the child isnt allowed to go to the grans house because daddy lives there? My feeling is shes been seeing the child in secret.

Macha · 27-05-2009 09:52PM

metrovelvet wrote: »

The courts frown on inconsistent access and if she goes to court after she has turned down access because she is too hungover to see her grandaughter a judge will eat her for lunch. It doesnt sound like shed be bothered to go to court anyway.

Did you miss the part where the child isnt allowed to go to the grans house because daddy lives there? My feeling is shes been seeing the child in secret.

I agree. A case are not just judged by the strict word of the law but also the merits of the case. The OP seems to be bending over backwards to accommodate everyone's access to her daughter and the other people seem to be free to decide when they come and go, when they decide it suits them to see the little girl and when it doesn't. Not fair at all.

LegacyUser · 23-06-2009 10:56PM

Sorry to bring back up this thread but appreciated the two sides of the coin when i posted the last time.

In the last month she has only turned up once, she was due in on Sunday next but has rang to say she can't make it this week either so could I change it to another day or it will be at least another 3 weeks before she'l call to see her granddaughter again.

Now it would appear that the novelty is wearing off so I need to decide if I should facilitate the change of days this weekend or is it fair to my daughter to have her grandmother come in and out of her life once a month for an hour or so and the fact that she has said it will be another 3 weeks before she can see her again, I feel it is now all on her terms. I should also add that in the last few months maintenance has been irregular and she made reference to her son not being in a position to pay it and today said it is not going to be in the bank for again this week, I think this is overstepping the mark as it is nothing to do with her and have already said I do not want to discuss any money issues with her as it has been mentioned previously on a number of occasions by her.

Any thoughts from someone outside of the situation thanks?

So tired of playing happy with daughter's gran and feel like I'm going to explode

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