Always moving on is taking it's toll on my heart.

LegacyUser · 21-05-2009 10:14AM #1

Okay, here's the problem and I'll put it as straightforward as possible but this problem is really, really getting me down but i'm not looking for sympathy so I'll just give you the facts: I'm at the stage now in my life (late 20s) that I'm ready for a relationship...I've been single long enough now and i'm lonely, friends are settling down, I've alot to give and, well, I'm ready to fall in love. You know that feeling.

The problem is i'm the kind of person that doesn't stay longer than one year max in one place (country or city) to have a meaningful relationship with someone. I've been away the past 4 or 5 years and even before that for Summers (changing city every year, month, week due to travelling and living abroad) and I'm emigrating in a few months. I've met men in the last few years since I broke up with my last long-term ex, had connections and moved on. This is starting to take it's toll on the auld heart. I'm pinning for men I could have had something great with (really missing some of them) but couldn't stay in their country/city because I couldn't see myself there long-term or because of practical reasons (not speaking the local lingo, not many jobs etc.).

I'll be in Ireland for a couple of more months and I've met a few nice guys but I hold back because I know i'm leaving the country soon. This is just more of the same for me and if I carry on like this, I could be single forever, unless someone is willing to move with me whenever I want...which is incredibly selfish and I would never expect anyone to do that.

I'm also wondering am I running away from something by moving around so much? I suppose only I can answer that but has anyone else been in a similiar situation, where they felt they couldn't stay in a place longer than 1 year but met someone (or lots of lovely men as is the case with me) and moved on? I'd love to know how people would cope with this (being single, alone, giving a little bit of your heart to many men and moving on) or maybe they could shed some light on why I feel the need to move on all the time? My heart can't take much more of this, I'm really not that strong anymore.

agent_smith · 21-05-2009 06:56PM

Hey littlest_hobo. Great tv prog by the way... damn you've got that theme song in my head now... i digress....
Try to go a bit easier on yourself. The way i figure it. If you meet somebody that you reckon is real special then you wont need to run or want to. You will know that feeling where I suppose im told you feel comfortable and content.
What you've done so far isn't wrong. Your young, have itchy feet and want to see the world. nothing wrong with that. If you got married young and had kids you would not be able to. Do it while you can. The only thing is that with each and every decision there is always a downside... in this case, you cant maintain a meaningful relationship.
I'm the last guy in the world to give you advice. Honest to god. I'm also the worlds biggest hypocrite advising you here.
The way i figure it is, when your ready and open to meeting someone you will. And you'll know yourself when that happens. You'll feel comfortable with some guy and it will be more important to be with that person than escaping off to some place else. I reckon its more a case of you haven't met someone yet that you should stay with. Thats not a bad thing either. A lot of people settle. Give yourself credit for not letting yourself get stuck with someone your not 100% happy with

In the mean time do your travelling. But don't be afraid to take a chance if someone worthwhile comes along. Sometimes things work out for the strangest reasons

RedXIV · 22-05-2009 11:03AM

Kinda agree with what was said above. Its probably a case of you haven't met someone who's given you that incredible chemistry yet. I've known lots of people i wouldn't have objected to a relationship with but it's different when you encounter someone who you'd stop the world for. For example, I'm finished college in a week (yay!) and before this year, I had intended to head stateside for work when i finished but last year I met my OH and fireworks blew. At that stage i knew i didn't have to head anywhere, she was all I wanted and i was happy to stay with her.

Now i'm not quite the traveler you are, but it sounds as if you're just looking for the place thats a perfect fit. thats not a bad thing but remember, it's the people in it that make a place what it is

ciagr297 · 22-05-2009 11:38AM

i completely understand Littlest Hobo, i'm in a pretty similiar situation myself having lived abroad for a few years. i always feel like i am moving on, moving jobs and places etc.
for the last couple of years, i've been "encouraging" myself to stay put but now i'm feeling the need to move on again.

with many of my friends settling down (and unfortunately, in a few cases settle is the give-away word), i do wonder why it is that i don't meet someone i want to build a life with.
thing is, i've tried to force it (relationship wise) but it doesn't work.

give yourself the credit of trusting that when you do meet someone who you have good chemistry with and you can see something of a future with, it will be right for you and it will work

cafecolour · 22-05-2009 12:21PM

Well, there's def guys out there who like to move around - maybe you should find one of them!

I'm a bit mystified on your reasons for constantly moving place. The way you put it, it sounds less like you are excited about living somewhere new, and more like you are a country-commitment phobe, or doomed to never be suited to a place.

From the sound of it, I'd take a look at what you want out of a place to live, do some research, and move there (what about your home country/town?) - if you are really ready to settle in one place. If you're not, well, start dating guys who are big into traveling

Plenty of Irish lads are, for one.

LegacyUser · 22-05-2009 12:42PM

Great advice from everyone...thanks a million.

The problem is I don't think I'll be happy settling in one place for a very long time. I see myself coming back to Ireland in the long, long-term and having a family here someday because I essentially love this country and couldn't imagine raising a family anywhere else...but there's so much of the world to see that I couldn't settle down here just yet. Thing is, I think I might be the settling down type (no, not the settling for second-best type)...I'm broody as hell lately and the idea of meeting a man and having a family DOESN'T terrify the life out of me anymore, strangely enough. This kicked in when I turned 26/27 (i'm almost 30 now). If I'm in that state of mind but I don't want to live in Ireland just yet, how do I reconcile these urges? It's as if I'm denying my natural urges and I'm off galvanting once again...just worried that my urge to physically settle down in one place will never kick in.

Maybe I'm over-analysing this.

But you're all dead right, I haven't met someone yet who has made me want to stay in their country long-term so I have to hang out for that, I suppose. When this happens, I won't even think about moving on....it's just I've never stuck around to REALLY build a connection to someone. You can't build a whole life on the initial honey-moon period..that generally fizzles out after a few months so how do I know if that person is worth sticking around for after only a few weeks??

Hmmm.

Not 100% sure all my chopping and changing location is for the right reasons, though but once again, only I can answer that. Everywhere you go, there you are and all that jazz.

Thanks for your advice though...I suppose I'll have to be patient and wait out for someone who is a bit of a restless soul like myself.

CDfm · 22-05-2009 01:04PM

You may be over analysing but its a lifestyle choice you make.

Moving around does not make for great long term relationships and long distance doesnt survive without lots of commitment.

Its up to you what goes to the top of your priorities -your lifestyle or relationships.

It seems that your priorities are changing but your first instinct seems right even for economic reasons.

Its probably Pre Emigration Blues which would be a good name for an early Bob Dylan Song -definately not jazz..

Best of luck OP

MicraBoy · 22-05-2009 02:40PM

You can't always get everything you want in life. If you want to get into a LTR then you need to stay put somewhere. So you either give up the moving around or you accept the reduced chance of finding a sutiable partner. It seems pretty simple to me.

It's a bit like saying you want to have children but are unwilling to stop using contraception! You are gonna have to be very (un)lucky to accomplish your goal!

LegacyUser · 22-05-2009 08:33PM

MicraBoy wrote: »

You can't always get everything you want in life. If you want to get into a LTR then you need to stay put somewhere. So you either give up the moving around or you accept the reduced chance of finding a sutiable partner. It seems pretty simple to me.

It's a bit like saying you want to have children but are unwilling to stop using contraception! You are gonna have to be very (un)lucky to accomplish your goal!

I know what you're saying, MicraBoy and of course it is simple but if it was that simple for me personally, I wouldn't be writing here. One big problem: I'm very unhappy, restless and bored if I stay in one place longer than a year. I haven't been anywhere I could live (as I said above, because of language and lack of employment) long-term yet. Some people are happy enough to stay putt in their hometown, marry a local lad or lady and live there for the rest of their lives...I'm not. Even when I lived in Dublin, I was changing flat every few months to different parts of the city just to mix things up.

However....at the end of the day, you are right as are the rest of the posters...I won't find love unless I stay in one place and this is what I essentially want soooooo I had a bit of a think about it today and I'm really going to give the next place a go instead of making plans to leave before I settle. I hope to God it works out. Sure, we'll see. Thanks for the advice.

CDfm · 23-05-2009 12:58AM

Littlest Hobo - whats the attraction. Is it the grass is always greener etc because you seem to be able to afford to move?

Have you gone to these places because you can or was it to avoid settling down? Or do you go for the weather etc.

Moving flats in Dublin etc is something everyone has done. Is there a reason like moving to better places or location.

Have you established a career yet?

LegacyUser · 23-05-2009 03:08AM

CDfm wrote: »

Littlest Hobo - whats the attraction. Is it the grass is always greener etc because you seem to be able to afford to move?

Have you gone to these places because you can or was it to avoid settling down? Or do you go for the weather etc.

Moving flats in Dublin etc is something everyone has done. Is there a reason like moving to better places or location.

Have you established a career yet?

What's the attraction....no, nothing to do with the grass is always greener because I enjoy virtually everywhere I've lived or travelled for however long I've spent there but I just couldn't see myself LIVING there. The attraction is the usual...WEATHER (big factor),different culture, language, outlook (another huuuuuge factor), conversation, scenary, food, smell, sex...the whole lot.

I've only travelled for a year and lived and worked (up to a year) in the other places (3 and a half years altogether but not consecutively)...I'd save and move on somewhere else. Saved for a very long time to travel for a whole year and had inheritance from a family member's death that I got in my early twenties that I invested in the SSIA scheme. I've been living on a shoe string, which is fine for me. I'm sensible with money and don't have any "things" or any need for them.

The question of whether I've travelled to avoid settling down is what I asked above and honestly, I don't know. The most obvious attraction for moving on is a fresh start and a new place to discover...a new me in a new place and seeing how that goes. Not to settle down, just to see what goes on there.

Yep, moving flat is common but I was hightlighting the fact that I changed flat every few months as a student. I've funded my life since I was 19...worked full-time hours in college so I could do whatever I wanted.

Do I have a career? No. I don't want one. I'm happy to travel and clean toilets, teach English, work in bars, shops, hostels etc. I'm not career-minded, never have been. Having a career involves staying in one place for longer than a year...too much commitment and too much focus on work and not enough on just enjoying life.

Always moving on is taking it's toll on my heart.

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