I know this has been done to death but losing interest in sex

LegacyUser · 19-05-2009 12:59PM #1

Hey, I've been going out with my boyfriend for just over a year. I'm absolutely love him to bits, I fancy the arse off him but my sex drive has just gone out the window.

This is the second longest relationship I've had so far, and the same thing happened with my ex. I didn't think it would happen with this guy because we're just so happy in every other way, but it has and it's really getting me down and I know it's starting to upset him.

When I'm not in a relationship, I have an extremely high sex drive, and it's also like this at the start of a relationship, but I seem to get bored very easily. I definitely don't want this at all. I have introduced sex toys a few times, I dress up for him sometimes, we've both taken viagra a few times for the laugh. We go away on weekends together quite often. We both still live with our parents, but I stay with him quite a bit so we can have sex in his house whenever we want.

Despite my low sex drive with him, I'm still quite a sexual person. I masturbate, I look at porn sometimes (he's no real interest in porn so I wouldn't suggest us watching it together). I have lots of fantasies that I've told him about, such as threesomes with other women, or him being very dominant with me and even doing some s&m stuff together but he's not really into any of that. It's not that he's not a sexual person, he always wants me and tells me he can't get enough of me, he just hasn't got a huge amount of confidence. He's not huge in the trousers department either, plus he doesn't last very long and this restricts the different positions we can try, so sex is very repetitive with us.

It just seems lately that I'd rather go to sleep then go through "the motions!" I usually enjoy myself when we do have sex but a lot of the time I just feel like I can't be bothered. Sometimes I just have sex with him to keep him happy, even when I'm not in the mood, and I don't enjoy it properly. I'd do anything to have a higher sex drive, I absolutely fancy him so much. Anyone have any advice or suggestions?

shellyboo · 19-05-2009 04:05PM

Hmm, this kinda sounds like you're bored more than libidiously deficient. Like you say, you're still masturbating and watching porn alone... so your sex drive is still there.

Despite my low sex drive with him, I'm still quite a sexual person. I masturbate, I look at porn sometimes (he's no real interest in porn so I wouldn't suggest us watching it together). I have lots of fantasies that I've told him about, such as threesomes with other women, or him being very dominant with me and even doing some s&m stuff together but he's not really into any of that. It's not that he's not a sexual person, he always wants me and tells me he can't get enough of me, he just hasn't got a huge amount of confidence. He's not huge in the trousers department either, plus he doesn't last very long and this restricts the different positions we can try, so sex is very repetitive with us.

The repetitiveness of the thing is what's getting you down, or that's how it seems to me. Couple that with his reluctance to try new things, and his lack of confidence, that's going to raise problems.

Does he know how much this is getting you down? He might not even realise that you're bored... although it's hard one to broach with a guy without denting his pride.

RossFixxxed · 19-05-2009 05:06PM

Ah as a guy I think it's worth a small dent in the ego. Once it is handled well really. The difference between 'what you SHOULD be doing' and 'I really wanna try this, will you help me out...' is huge (at least in my mind, he might like being ordered about!)

I dunno what to add, as the OP says there are many threads on this. It'll take effort, maybe go surfing for stuff you like, or some movies and get him into the mindset of what you're after? It depends on the bloke!

r

Edit: on re reading it seems to be deeper rooted to be honest. You need a frank, long talk on this one. There msut be something, most guys would have SOMETHING that they jump at!

prinz · 19-05-2009 05:26PM

NoSexDrive wrote: »

When I'm not in a relationship, I have an extremely high sex drive, and it's also like this at the start of a relationship, but I seem to get bored very easily. I definitely don't want this at all.

I posted a reply on a different thread highlighting a side effect of lots of no strings casual sex when a relationship does come along, and this backs me up to a degree. The same gratification isn't always there.

It's important to remember that every relationship has it's ups and downs, in every area - sexual side included. Sex in a relationship and outside of a relationship can be very different. It's important to work on everything communication, trust, romance (non-sexual) at the same time as trying to up the sex drive because focusing on one area can lead to problems in other parts of the relationship.

The problem here doesn't seem to be him, or his willingness to try new things, lack of confidence etc as Shellyboo picked up, but that as the OP pointed out it's her own sex drive, despite still loving and fancying the guy.

It seems to me you're putting the pressure on yourself to be interested ( which in turns is detrimental in itself - vicious circle's a b*tch ), you might not like my advice and so be it but I'd give a few quick pointers..

(a) try not to masturbate without his involvement.

and

(b) lay off the porn/fantasies etc. for a while.

They can have the opposite effect that you may think when used by one party in a relationship. Often when people 'try new things' to spice up the sex life it can be an attempt to repair some other aspect of the relationship, and no matter how many new things you try, you will eventually get bored of them too, leading to a constant search for something new and more exciting and more sex driven etc ad infinitum.

Bring the focus back to your partner and away from just 'sex', bring the romance back, and return to how things were at the beginning of the relationship. No toy or new position will improve the sexual side of your relationship, but working on improving the relationship itself will only aid your sex life with your OH.

tolteq · 19-05-2009 06:26PM

NoSexDrive wrote: »

I'm still quite a sexual person.

I have lots of fantasies that I've told him about, such as threesomes with other women, or him being very dominant with me and even doing some s&m stuff together but he's not really into any of that.

but a lot of the time I just feel like I can't be bothered.

From your language I can see exactly what is the problem. You've no sex drive because he is rubbish.

Wibbs · 19-05-2009 06:41PM

tolteq please try to post helpful responses. That wasn't one FYI.

tolteq · 19-05-2009 07:39PM

Wibbs wrote: »

tolteq please try to post helpful responses. That wasn't one FYI.

in my opinion you cannot cognitivise a solution to a problem that is essentially physical. thats why i said what i said.

LegacyUser · 19-05-2009 09:27PM

OP here, thanks for replies.

Shellyboo, he knows there is something slightly up, recently he has asked me am I bored with our sex life and if I fancy him anymore. Both times I didn't exactly handle the situation and got a bit thick with him, which wasn't helpful and means that he will be nervous to broach the subject again.

RossFixxxxed...the thing is, I know what kind of stuff I like. I have a lot more experience than him. I've had a lot more sexual partners and when I was young was quite promiscuous. I view sex as something to do whenever you want it, whether you're in a relationship or not, however he thinks it's something that should be done when you really care for someone. I guess the way I was when I was younger has probably diluted the feelings that really should be attached to sex when in a relationship. I've asked him so many times about fantasies and he just doesn't seem to have any. He had major confidence knocks with an ex who continually told him he was sh*t in bed, had a tiny d*ck, etc. He's a great lover and I have tried so much to build up his confidence the year I've been with him. He has grown in confidence through my encouragement but he's still not fully there.

Prinz, you have made some good points, but I have to stress that we really do have a great relationship outside of the bedroom. We are both very romantic with each other, we still go out on "dates" a lot, like the start of the relationship. We both still really look forward to seeing each other and all that. Regarding the masturbation, it's not as if I do it that often. Sometimes it could be a couple of times a week, other times it would only be once a fortnight. I read before that in order to keep your sex drive high, you should try masturbating as the more you get pleasure the more you want it! And the fantasies are definitely not something I push on him, and the porn watching is far from regular, maybe once every few weeks. I do put pressure on myself to want it...but it's because I think it's the right thing to do. Sometimes I'm really not in the mood but once I get into it I have a great time so I keep doing that. I feel so guilty though because I know it's not fair on him.

Tolteq, he's definitely not rubbish. I know I said he doesn't last long but there's a lot more to sex than penetrative sex. He's the best lover I've ever had in other areas.

We're just on different wavelengths at the moment and I hate it. Wish there was some tablet I could take to make my libido go through the roof!

tolteq · 19-05-2009 09:42PM

NoSexDrive wrote: »

OP here, thanks for replies.

Shellyboo, he knows there is something slightly up, recently he has asked me am I bored with our sex life and if I fancy him anymore. Both times I didn't exactly handle the situation and got a bit thick with him, which wasn't helpful and means that he will be nervous to broach the subject again.

RossFixxxxed...the thing is, I know what kind of stuff I like. I have a lot more experience than him. I've had a lot more sexual partners and when I was young was quite promiscuous. I view sex as something to do whenever you want it, whether you're in a relationship or not, however he thinks it's something that should be done when you really care for someone. I guess the way I was when I was younger has probably diluted the feelings that really should be attached to sex when in a relationship. I've asked him so many times about fantasies and he just doesn't seem to have any. He had major confidence knocks with an ex who continually told him he was sh*t in bed, had a tiny d*ck, etc. He's a great lover and I have tried so much to build up his confidence the year I've been with him. He has grown in confidence through my encouragement but he's still not fully there.

Prinz, you have made some good points, but I have to stress that we really do have a great relationship outside of the bedroom. We are both very romantic with each other, we still go out on "dates" a lot, like the start of the relationship. We both still really look forward to seeing each other and all that. Regarding the masturbation, it's not as if I do it that often. Sometimes it could be a couple of times a week, other times it would only be once a fortnight. I read before that in order to keep your sex drive high, you should try masturbating as the more you get pleasure the more you want it! And the fantasies are definitely not something I push on him, and the porn watching is far from regular, maybe once every few weeks. I do put pressure on myself to want it...but it's because I think it's the right thing to do. Sometimes I'm really not in the mood but once I get into it I have a great time so I keep doing that. I feel so guilty though because I know it's not fair on him.

Tolteq, he's definitely not rubbish. I know I said he doesn't last long but there's a lot more to sex than penetrative sex. He's the best lover I've ever had in other areas.

We're just on different wavelengths at the moment and I hate it. Wish there was some tablet I could take to make my libido go through the roof!

Well let us know how it all pans out. Thanks,

Tony.

O'Coonassa · 19-05-2009 10:13PM

NoSexDrive wrote: »

We're just on different wavelengths at the moment and I hate it. Wish there was some tablet I could take to make my libido go through the roof!

There is. Although I once posted the answer onto a thread where some gay guy was asking the same question and it got removed for some bizarre reason. What you need is testosterone. They'll prescribe it as a cream for topical application.

Must say though you just sound like you're bored. If you were lacking sex drive you wouldn't be looking at pr0n and playing with yourself. There is no guy in the world that isn't interested in pr0n. Lot's of guys will tell their GF that they aren't though in case she thinks they're a perve. I'd say you need to bridge that gap tbh.

I know this has been done to death but losing interest in sex

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