Boyfriend feels I've trapped him for getting pregnant

K-9 · 29-04-2009 02:05AM

ronivek wrote: »

In my opinion yes; you have trapped him by deciding to keep the baby. Whilst it is rare in life for anything to be black and white; the deciding factor for me in this instance is him seeking from you explicit agreement that were you to get pregnant you would have an abortion. Even were you not on the pill and had never used condoms; I don't believe that is relevant. You're pregnant. You agreed with your boyfriend if that ever happened that you would get an abortion. You have changed your mind and grossly abused his trust.

Was he naive to expect you to stick to that agreement? Possibly. Does it somehow justify what you're doing to him? No; I don't think it does. Whilst it is your right to decide to keep the baby; you need to accept that you are for all intents and purposes making a decision for three people. You're deciding on the well being and future of you, your baby and the father.

Have you talked to anyone who can be completely objective here? You need to seek out someone who can give you the advice you need before you completely commit to having this baby; assuming you haven't already done so.

It isn't a signed contract and it should never be. I'd say the same if it was decided not to have an abortion in the same circumstances.

Deciding on something hypothetically is totally different from the practical side, especially in a case like this.

Bottle_of_Smoke · 29-04-2009 03:05AM

He's deeply upset, and in fairness, his college life won't be the same and he was probably really looking forward to that + travelling etc. His life will be much better in many ways but the one he planned is gone forever and that's hard to deal with.

The sleeping in the spare room/not being affectionate is probably a last dash attempt at getting you to have the abortion, but the fact that he's there means he's likely to be around for the baby.

If I was him I know there's no way I could "walk" knowing my child needs a father and I guess he knows that too, he just wishes he wasn't in the situation.

Part of me thinks you should have the abortion after what you agreed but its just not that simple for this situation and no one has the right to condemn you for changing your mind.

The relationship will be dead within a few months after the baby's born, he'll prob be a good father but the underlying resentment won't be fixed. He more than likely sees you in a much different light now so don't get your heart set on living happily ever after as a family.

Annie Bananie · 29-04-2009 08:02AM

OP - before you think about what YOU want or what you BF want..
Think of the CHILD first, if you keep it, how will its life be? Will it get the life you always wanted for your child?

I do not envy you. Life is full of hard choices you always wished you never had to make. But I wish you best of luck whatever you deside.

Rb · 29-04-2009 08:39AM

Wow, the poor guy

Op, you have trapped him. He has either two choices, he can do the "right" (by those judging him) thing and stay around for the baby or do the "wrong" thing and walk out to leave you raise the child by yourself. There is enormous social pressure on him to stay, and I'd imagine this is what he's currently battling i.e if he walks, will his family/friends make him an outcast etc etc.

He should walk and leave you to raise this baby by yourself. It may not be the "right" thing to do in general but in this situation it certainly is.

To those suggesting that their relationship can recover and they can live happily ever after, I certainly do not think so. She couldn't even be trusted to take her pill properly after this, let alone trusted on other decisions or areas they have planned in life. She has, in effect, screwed him over on one of the biggest things she could and is certainly not worth trusting in the future.

He's 21 and wants to get his degree and do something with his life. Judging by the fact you purposely mentioned that it's an honours degree he's after, it would suggest you don't have one yourself and this baby could be the only thing you really have going on at the moment.

I truly hope he walks and goes on to do everything he has planned. Good luck with it.

29-04-2009 08:53AM

While there's no use crying over spilt milk, I think ideally OP should really have sat down with the bf and maybe told him she was CONSIDERING keeping the pregnancy. But at the end of the day, OP made an agreement with the bf and is now reneging. That's not a nice thing to do to your partner on any subject, let alone something as life changing as this. It certainly breaks the trust and I doubt there's any going back from here.
It's possible for pregnant women etc to go to college take the year out then continue etc, a girl in my year did it, so whether he decides to "stay" or not he should be definitely firmly encouraged to still go to college.
Personally I feel he should just walk. It's your choice whether to carry a pregnancy or abort of course, but it's not up to you to force your partner to help you with the pregnancy by deception.

Good luck to you, and to him.

Shivers26 · 29-04-2009 09:26AM

How would you feel about doing it alone? Would your family support you and help out?

I fell pregnant when I was 15. My then boyfriend was 21. We split up when I was pregnant because I had my hands full with a teenage pregnany and trying to do my Junior Cert. Anyway, I had my son when I was 16. I did my Leaving Cert, went to college and I have a degree and a diploma. I work F/T and last year I bought my own house. My sons father chose not to be in his life until 3 years ago (he was 7).
Moral of the story: young pregnancy does not necessarily mean the end of your life but it does mean you have to work harder.

Maybe in time your BF will come around and maybe he wont but you cant force him to be on board with this when you knew from the start he had no interest in having a baby. He is being silly and immature saying he is not going to do his degree.
Whatever happens and whatever you both decide I hope things work out for you.

Depuy lady · 29-04-2009 09:29AM

This sounds like deja vu to me!

Op,

I was in the situation you were in 5 years ago. I got pregnant at 20 while I was in college and because I knew my daughters dad would have wanted an abortion I said nothing to him for ages until it was too late to abort. He didnt want a baby because he had just gone back to college as a mature student. (Abortion is something personally I couldn't go through with)

What I did was wrong but I knew I'd survive fine on my own if I had to with my daughter. When I did tell him he flipped for about a week but admitted he had an idea all along I was pregnant. I told him i'd be fine on my own and he left. But after a week or so he called to my place excited about the baby.

With regard to college I had decided I would complete my exams in May, have my dd in the summer and go straight back to college in September. I won't lie it was hard being a mom and a student but I got through it just fine with the support of my family. I made sure I got a good degree so I could give my dd a good start in life.

We got back together after my daughter was born and what a disaster of a relationship we had for almost 4 years. We were only staying together for the sake of our dd. We spent our time fighting, he got physical towards me because he resented me. I ended up a wreck, depressed, a complete nervous wreck. The day we broke up we both agreed we'd be a lot better off and it would be a lot more healthy for our dd.

Because we were in a relationship for the wrong reasons and because he felt he had to stay with me for the sake of our dd we are now ina situation where we dont speak and I'm afraid of his temper. Ive changed as a person to the point where Im receiving counselling to make me happier.

3 weeks after we broke up I met my current partner and Ive never been so happy, he has no issues with my dd, he has a fantastic relationship with her.

There are plenty of men out there who have no problem taking on women with kids. As my partner says my dd is a major bonus to our relationship and he feels priveleged that she has so much time and love for him.

I guess the reason Im posting this is to help you see staying with a bf or gf just for the sake of a child is totally the wrong thing to do. Your bf does feel trapped and he has a right to but don't make him feel anymore trapped by trying to make him stay with you if he really doesn't want to.

Your an adult now, your going to be a mom soon and I guess in my opinion you should focus your energy on your baby and your health right now.

You can still have a great future even with being a mom so young.

You need to have faith in yourself right now.

There is loads of help out there for young mom's.

Trust me - I always swore I'd never have children and if I can survive motherhood and come out of a violent relationship with a smile on my face, feeling confident about my mothering skills you can too!!!

If you need to talk feel free to PM me

Kimia · 29-04-2009 10:03AM

She did NOT trap him. It was a consequence of BOTH of their actions.

They are both adults. At the end of the day he could have stuck to his guns and not given in to her when she tried to 'talk him round'.

They are both to blame (for want of a better word) for this pregnancy. I can understand his view, and the OP's. He doesn't want the baby, fair enough, his views were apparent before they started having sex. She does, because she is actually pregnant now, and dealing with the hormones, maternal feelings etc, that comes with being pregnant.

It's not fair to lambast one of them, this baby was conceived by BOTH of them. You both have to sit down and talk this through like adults. Give your boyfriend time to adjust - it's a huge shock to him, especially with his views.

Give the girl a break - she didn't RAPE him ffs - they both made this baby.

If she doesn't want to have an abortion, she doesn't have to. If he doesn't want to raise the child, he doesn't have to.

Bad form out of the both of them - if you can't deal with the possibility of having a child, don't have sex. Simple as.

John Mason · 29-04-2009 10:11AM

Well, you have decided to keep the baby and to hell with his feelings.

Personally, i think you should tell him, as it is your decision to keep the baby and you broke the agreement on a termination.

That he can get on with his life and have nothing to do with the baby financially or otherwise.

by forcing him to stick by you,you are in fact, trapping him

ellie1 · 29-04-2009 10:23AM

This thread is very odd today.

I think that getting pregant and having an abortion is not something you preplan for. It is really not realistic to sit down and say "mmm in the case that all contraception fails, if you do get pregannt, lets decide now what to do....ok thats agreed lets abort if pregnancy occurs" It is not a emotionless plan b in case all else fails. For people to sugget that she is wrong and trapped him because she agreed before hand are being very unfair. She sees this pregnancy as a BABY and suggesting that she was wrong because she choose to have a BABY, is not right. Sometimes having the baby is the more difficult option.

He should Rb:walk and leave you to raise this baby by yourself. It may not be the "right" thing to do in general but in this situation it certainly is.

Op, if he wants nothing to do with you. let him go. There are resorces available for you out there.

Rb:To those suggesting that their relationship can recover and they can live happily ever after, I certainly do not think so. She couldn't even be trusted to take her pill properly after this, let alone trusted on other decisions or areas they have planned in life. She has, in effect, screwed him over on one of the biggest things she could and is certainly not worth trusting in the future.

well he couldnt be trusted to put a condom on. He has been in a relationship for two years. If he didnt want her to get pregnant and was so fearful. He shouldnt have had sex.

Rb:He's 21 and wants to get his degree and do something with his life. Judging by the fact you purposely mentioned that it's an honours degree he's after, it would suggest you don't have one yourself and this baby could be the only thing you really have going on at the moment.

This is very harsh and unkind. The op trapped the her bf because he has a degree and wants to do something with his life. She may also want to do something with her life. And even if a baby is the only thing the op has going at the moment, how dare you imply that it is in someway worthless.

Op, If you want have the baby. H/she will bring you more joy and happiness than you can ever imagine. I have learned more from my child than I have from my university honours degree education. if the father dosent want any part of it, let him go. If he does, encourage him to go to college and get his education. Having children young does not mean you give up on your dreams, it just means it takes a bit longer to get there but makes it more worthwhile!!!

Wibbs · 29-04-2009 10:52AM

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

Well, you have decided to keep the baby and to hell with his feelings.

This is the part I have the biggest issue with and is the undercurrent in a lot of the replies here. To hell with his feelings? Nice.

Personally, i think you should tell him, as it is your decision to keep the baby and you broke the agreement on a termination.

That he can get on with his life and have nothing to do with the baby financially or otherwise.

by forcing him to stick by you,you are in fact, trapping him

That would be fine if he didn't have the very clear legalities of paying maintenance for a child he does not want. She holds all the cards there too. She can pursue him through the courts for that. He pretty much has no recourse legally, unless someone can point me to a law of this land that allows him to sign away his paternity. Now ideally he will want to be part of the childs life and then if they both act like adults that can be accommodated, though sadly all too often the child gets stuck in the middle.

Again hopefully this does not occur and many parents are not together as a couple and do share the raising of their child and do it well. But for the sake of argument, let's say he does decide enough is enough and that he wants nothing to do with the child or her. What then?

As the law stands(and please again correct me if I'm wrong), he has no rights as far as doing that. He simply can't walk away and live his life. He is legally bound to that child as far as maintenance is concerned(though his legal rights elsewhere are less clear). This is not a debate on maintenance or abortion as such, it's about trust and consistent behaviour. It's about on the one hand saying it's 50/50 as far as getting pregnant, but it's not 50/50 the second that happens, even though there was a discussion and as such a "verbal contract" in place if that eventuality happened. A contract that has been unilaterally broken. I'm just trying to get across the point that this guy has no options really and if he's feeling that, I am not surprised he feels betrayed or lied to, or wants out, never mind his feelings of mistrust towards her.

29-04-2009 10:54AM

ellie1 wrote: »

This thread is very odd today.

I think that getting pregant and having an abortion is not something you preplan for. It is really not realistic to sit down and say "mmm in the case that all contraception fails, if you do get pregannt, lets decide now what to do....ok thats agreed lets abort if pregnancy occurs" It is not a emotionless plan b in case all else fails. For people to sugget that she is wrong and trapped him because she agreed before hand are being very unfair. She sees this pregnancy as a BABY and suggesting that she was wrong because she choose to have a BABY, is not right.

Nobody is suggesting she is wrong to choose to have a "BABY", we are all explicitly stating that she talked the bf into having sex with her under the definite agreement that they would abort should she become pregnant. She knew how very strongly he felt on the subject and insisted on going ahead anyway on this one condition. Now she's gone back on her word and broken his trust. Regardless of what you think one can and cannot plan for, they agreed on it and she broke that.

If a guy told his fearful gf not to worry, he'd marry her and support her etc (pulling an example out of thin air) should she get pregnant now let's please have sex, then ran off at the first sign of trouble, I doubt people would be standing up for him quite as much?
It's the broken trust and viewing of taking away their options which is the problem here. They're supposed to be in a relationship, that means 50-50.

well he couldnt be trusted to put a condom on. He has been in a relationship for two years. If he didnt want her to get pregnant and was so fearful. He shouldnt have had sex.

How nice it is to sit on a high horse and say "don't have sex". They did and have to move on from there.

Wibbs · 29-04-2009 10:59AM

ellie1 wrote: »

well he couldnt be trusted to put a condom on.

Equally she could not be trusted to stick to an agreement, after from her own words she talked him around to the idea of full sexual intercourse where that agreement was part and parcel of that talking around, he may also even be thinking she couldn't be trusted to take her pill. I mean if she appears to him unable to keep her word, I can understand his position. From an objective angle, she has broken more of the trust, so bashing him unequally is hardly on.

There are two of them in this. It took two of them to make this pregnancy happen, yet there is only one of them is deciding the fate of both their futures and the childs.

They do need to sit down and discuss this when he calms down. The sooner the better. If she is bent on keeping the baby, then she has to discuss with him what he wants to do. If he wants to be a part of this after he calms down then they have to work out how that will work, but equally if he wants to walk away, then she may have to accept that too.

Wibbs · 29-04-2009 11:02AM

bluewolf wrote: »

If a guy told his fearful gf not to worry, he'd marry her and support her etc (pulling an example out of thin air) should she get pregnant now let's please have sex, then ran off at the first sign of trouble, I doubt people would be standing up for him quite as much?
It's the broken trust and viewing of taking away their options which is the problem here. They're supposed to be in a relationship, that means 50-50.

+1 Nail on the head. I would put money he would be lambasted for that. Double standards go both ways with both genders. I would not defend a man for operating on those standards and I would not defend a woman for the same thing just because she's a woman. No way.

Thomas_S_Hunterson · 29-04-2009 11:12AM

You're both 21 op. A baby is going to royally **** with what chance you have of getting a decent job and a comfortable life. Are you really sure you're ready to settle down and scrape by?

Depuy lady · 29-04-2009 11:19AM

Sean_K wrote: »

You're both 21 op. A baby is going to royally **** with what chance you have of getting a decent job and a comfortable life. Are you really sure you're ready to settle down and scrape by?

Sean

I think your comment is very unfair, I had a baby at 21, my dd did not royally mess up my life as you put it. And i certainly didnt scrape by. I supported myself and my dd while going to college full time. And as I chose not to take a year out I was deemed not able to claim any beneifts except the OPW and even on that I didnt scrape by. My dd was a great motivation to be successful in life. She made me more determined to get a good degree and a good job. Because of her as a motivation Im 26, out of college close to 3 years on well over the €40k pa. I think given the situation the OP is in people should help her feel a bit more postive and show her that life is not all bad as a single mom

ellie1 · 29-04-2009 11:20AM

I am not condeming the ops boyfriend. However, I just disagree with pre aranged preceedures just in case you get pregnant. Nobody knows how they will feel. Given that its human life (to some)we are talking about I really feel that it cannot be as simple as okay we will abort if you become pregnant, okay lets have sex.

How nice it is to sit on a high horse and say "don't have sex". They did and have to move on from there.

I am directing that at everybody condeming the op. There is always a risk of pregnancy.The simple fact is if you dont want to run the risk of pregnancy and be financially responsible for the next 18years, dont have sex, that applys for both male and female.

we are all explicitly stating that she talked the bf into having sex with her under the definite agreement that they would abort should she become pregnant.

Oh come on, it hardly took huge negotiations on her behalf to get him into bed.

.
Op, your partner can choose to walk away. And let him. He may feel you did undeed break the agreement and his trust. Give him space to get used to idea.

Thomas_S_Hunterson · 29-04-2009 11:26AM

Depuy lady wrote: »

Sean

I think your comment is very unfair, I had a baby at 21, my dd did not royally mess up my life as you put it. And i certainly didnt scrape by. I supported myself and my dd while going to college full time. And as I chose not to take a year out I was deemed not able to claim any beneifts except the OPW and even on that I didnt scrape by. My dd was a great motivation to be successful in life. She made me more determined to get a good degree and a good job. Because of her as a motivation Im 26, out of college close to 3 years on well over the €40k pa. I think given the situation the OP is in people should help her feel a bit more postive and show her that life is not all bad as a single mom

I was deliberately painting an extreme picture because imo the financial side of things should be given a lot of consideration.

If you want to work or study then you'll be left with crippling creche bills (that is, if you can't unload the kid on close family). You're going to have to work a lot of hours (in a difficult economic climate) to pay for it and live comfortably.

The more you work, the more you pay and the less you see your kid.

Depuy lady · 29-04-2009 11:31AM

Sean_K wrote: »

I was deliberately painting an extreme picture because imo the financial side of things should be given a lot of consideration.

If you want to work or study then you'll be left with crippling creche bills (that is, if you can't unload the kid on close family). You're going to have to work a lot of hours (in a difficult economic climate) to pay for it and live comfortably.

The more you work, the more you pay and the less you see your kid.

Whether your married, or living with a partner or a single mom your going to have to pay for childcare and your going to have balance your work life and home life. You shouldn't just class single moms inthis bracket.

And also I don't think its fair to say unload the kid on close family, unload makes them sound like a burden which children are not.

Thomas_S_Hunterson · 29-04-2009 11:36AM

Depuy lady wrote: »

And also I don't think its fair to say unload the kid on close family, unload makes them sound like a burden which children are not.

I think you're looking at things through rose-tinted spectacles.

Kids cost time and money. This makes them a burden. Yes it may all be worth it, but they're still a burden. Life may be happier with them but it's easier without them.

29-04-2009 11:46AM

ellie1 wrote: »

Oh come on, it hardly took huge negotiations on her behalf to get him into bed.

That's the 2nd or 3rd time I've seen the assumption that because he's male and young he must be easy. She said it took some time of talking him around to get him into bed. I assume people would have no difficulty believing this were the situation reversed.
Being talked into bed after "some time" of persuasion coupled with promises of nothing bad happening and plans of action if they did, then broken, is a complete betrayal of trust.
Really, the double standards ARE strong today

I'll say it again: if a man had promised support to his gf in the event of pregnancy and talked her into bed then ran off at the first sign of trouble, I sincerely doubt that 1/ people would be laughing at the idea he had to talk her into bed 2/ blaming her for not taking her pill properly and saying if she wanted sex she should have been even more careful 3/ saying fair play to the man and tough s* for the girl.

Depuy lady · 29-04-2009 11:46AM

Sean_K wrote: »

I think you're looking at things through rose-tinted spectacles.

Kids cost time and money. This makes them a burden. Yes it may all be worth it, but they're still a burden. Life may be happier with them but it's easier without them.

Im certainly not looking at this through rose-tinted glasses, i don't see how children are a burden, I don't see my daughter as some object costing me money I see her as being a part of me, a part of my life, she brings me nothing but joy. Talking to her, teaching her, playing with her, cuddling her, holding her even giving out to her all brings me a feeling of total joy. I may have had her young but I can honestly say not once in 5 years have I ever looked at her as a burden or as a waste of money. I probably wouldnt have all I have in life only for her, she has been my motivation in life. She has made my life feel a lot more complete than it was before I had her.

Im shocked that you think life is so much easier without children. Life is not a walk in the part, it has ups and downs whether you have children or not

amybabes · 29-04-2009 11:49AM

im afraid i have to agree with alot of what Sean_k has said.

My bf's sister had a baby young, i think she was 16 when she had him, she is now 30 and has just had her 2nd child, got married to the father of both kids last yr, and is comfortable financially. Both her and the babys father went to college and her mother reared the baby for the first few years to allow her to get her leaving cert/go to college.

BUT how many cases do you know of like this....it very rarely works out well. Most young couples that i know at the moment who have had babies young i cant see ever escaping the poverty line...and when i say poverty line, i mean relying on social welfare to get by. PLUS many of these couples are scamming the system wherby the father of the children should not be living in the houses which are being paid for by the state, the mother shouldnt be getting all d benefits shes getting, this is the case for 90% of the young people i know with kids. The other few are raising their babies with the help of family.

My own mother told all of us when we were 15/16 that she had her family reared, and was not going to take on babies if we were silly enough to go out and get pregnant. i know if it happened she might feel differently, but why should she have to. i genuinely feel that this girl did not plan on getting pregnant, so i genuinely feel for her. but to all d girls who DO get pregnant on purpose, because all they want is to sit around all day and puch prams up the main street, getting houses paid for....it really disgusts me that thats all they aspire to in life.

Its madness, im 22, and i dont want to even think about kids til after im 30.....ive never had money myself, only finishing college now....so i want to enjoy life for a few years before i have the responsibility and financial burden of a child. im old fashioned in the sense that id like to be financially secure, married, in my own house before id think about bringing a child into this world.

some people manage, and hats off to those who do...i dont think id be strong enough to get through it. and i know everyone says oh i wouldnt give them back for the world, i wouldnt have it any other way etc. but the reality is, 99% of these cases rely on social welfare, alot of them ABUSING the system...which is why the country is as bad as it is now....and will never own their own homes or escape the low income bracket

Just my own opinion

Thomas_S_Hunterson · 29-04-2009 12:07PM

Depuy lady wrote: »

i don't see how children are a burden, I don't see my daughter as some object costing me money I see her as being a part of me, a part of my life, she brings me nothing but joy. Talking to her, teaching her, playing with her, cuddling her, holding her even giving out to her all brings me a feeling of total joy. I may have had her young but I can honestly say not once in 5 years have I ever looked at her as a burden or as a waste of money. I probably wouldnt have all I have in life only for her, she has been my motivation in life. She has made my life feel a lot more complete than it was before I had her.

I think you've just proven my point about the rose-tinted spectacles (or maybe it's a haze of maternal endorphins:P).

I never said anything about kids being a waste of money or time, merely that they cost money and money.

What about the bad times. When your feet are raw from walking the floor trying to get the baby to sleep. When you haven't slept in 48 hours and you've got to put on a brave face and stick in a solid day at work. When all you want is a bit of down-time and you just can't.

I presume you've experienced this side of parenthood...or did your family take the burden?

Depuy lady wrote: »

Im shocked that you think life is so much easier without children. Life is not a walk in the part, it has ups and downs whether you have children or not

Would people really argue that a life with less work and responsibility is harder?

Depuy lady · 29-04-2009 12:09PM

amybabes wrote: »

im afraid i have to agree with alot of what Sean_k has said.

My bf's sister had a baby young, i think she was 16 when she had him, she is now 30 and has just had her 2nd child, got married to the father of both kids last yr, and is comfortable financially. Both her and the babys father went to college and her mother reared the baby for the first few years to allow her to get her leaving cert/go to college.

BUT how many cases do you know of like this....it very rarely works out well. Most young couples that i know at the moment who have had babies young i cant see ever escaping the poverty line...and when i say poverty line, i mean relying on social welfare to get by. PLUS many of these couples are scamming the system wherby the father of the children should not be living in the houses which are being paid for by the state, the mother shouldnt be getting all d benefits shes getting, this is the case for 90% of the young people i know with kids. The other few are raising their babies with the help of family.

My own mother told all of us when we were 15/16 that she had her family reared, and was not going to take on babies if we were silly enough to go out and get pregnant. i know if it happened she might feel differently, but why should she have to. i genuinely feel that this girl did not plan on getting pregnant, so i genuinely feel for her. but to all d girls who DO get pregnant on purpose, because all they want is to sit around all day and puch prams up the main street, getting houses paid for....it really disgusts me that thats all they aspire to in life.

Its madness, im 22, and i dont want to even think about kids til after im 30.....ive never had money myself, only finishing college now....so i want to enjoy life for a few years before i have the responsibility and financial burden of a child. im old fashioned in the sense that id like to be financially secure, married, in my own house before id think about bringing a child into this world.

some people manage, and hats off to those who do...i dont think id be strong enough to get through it. and i know everyone says oh i wouldnt give them back for the world, i wouldnt have it any other way etc. but the reality is, 99% of these cases rely on social welfare, alot of them ABUSING the system...which is why the country is as bad as it is now....and will never own their own homes or escape the low income bracket

Just my own opinion

I have very strong feelings about this because of my own situation. I really feel if you want to make a life for yourself you can. I know 4 girls including myself who were pregnant around the same time as me who like me all came from very respectable families. And 3 out of the 4 of us have our degree's completed and have very good jobs. So in that instance i think your figure of 90% is incorrect. And the 4th girl actually works full time so she is not living off the state.

There is no denying that having a baby young is hard you have to changeyour life completly. You can't just decide at the drop of a hat you want to go out on a saturday night but that's the life you choose when you have a baby. Having my daughter made me very very responsible and a lot more thoughtful towards other people. If your going to get through being a young, single mom you need to be positive and determined.

I agree with the statements about people living off the state and people abusing the system but again I don't feel that single parents should get the blame for all ofthis. There are a hell of a lot of married couples and single people abusing the system that are bringing in a lot more money every week than the rest of us out working 40 hours. People who abuse the system really do sicken me.

Im not going to lie, life is not always a bed of roses being a single mom its not nice being the one to have to get up in the middle of the night if my dd is sick. It's not the greatest feeling to not get sleep in's. Its not the nicest when its always me who has to the bad guy doing all the giving out and disciplining. But all these are very small things, the good times outweight these. E.G. Who wouldn't enjoy looking at your child smile up at you with a twinkle in their eye to tell you they love you.

I do understand both Amy and Sean's point that life is hard being a young mother but after being through it and surviving it and making something of my life I really feel strongly that others can do it too.

Sorry for the long posts just trying to make the OP see that she can still do well out of life for her and her baby.

LegacyUser · 29-04-2009 12:11PM

I feel REALLY sorry for your boyfriend. People can say whatever they want about it not being ideal to have a plan before an unexpected pregnancy happens, but I think it's a good idea to have one- then not suddenly change your mind and expect your partner to have no choice in the matter. Totally unfair.

The guy was afraid of getting you pregnant then you reassured him telling him that you'd have an abortion if you got pregnant... on the pill and with condoms. I can see exactly why it looks like you trapped him. Did you actually want to get pregnant? were you careless with the pill- on antibiotics/sick etc?. I've never ever heard of a pregnancy using double protection correctly.

I think you should set him free and not look for any maintenance. I'm female but this sort of behaviour astounds me. You broke a very important life changing agreement with him. He shouldn't owe you a thing.

LegacyUser · 29-04-2009 12:12PM

Oh yeah you trapped him alright, you forced him to have sex with you, you forced him to come in you, you trapped this poor innocent boy who didnt have a mind of him own. Bull****!!!!

It takes two to tango and he tangoed just as much as you!

I know a few posters are saying you had a discussion that you woudl have an abortion if you got pregnant etc well i am meant to be going to electic disco this friday with my friends but now might not be, are my friends so out of order for changing there mind? Nope i dont think so! You cant make a hyptoethical decision like abortion unless you are in the situation, so dont listen to those out there saying you agreed to it etc

The one person who is the most important here is the baby, the you then him. He is freaking out bigtime and you dont need a child like that around so if i was you i would give him a wide birth, and focus on you and the baby. You know what you want and you need to go for that.

The days etc ahead will be scary but they will also be rewarding and full of many positives and i wish you luck and happiness in your future.

Lollipops23 · 29-04-2009 12:18PM

i don't think abyone can make a full informed decision about abortion until they have to (ie they're pregnant). you can say that's what you do in the situation, but you just don't know. OP, i think he has a right to be upset but he can't treat you like this.you've enough going on without dealing with his toddler-style tantrum.

Depuy lady · 29-04-2009 12:23PM

Sean_K wrote: »

I think you've just proven my point about the rose-tinted spectacles (or maybe it's a haze of maternal endorphins:P).

I never said anything about kids being a waste of money or time, merely that they cost money and money.

What about the bad times. When your feet are raw from walking the floor trying to get the baby to sleep. When you haven't slept in 48 hours and you've got to put on a brave face and stick in a solid day at work. When all you want is a bit of down-time and you just can't.

I presume you've experienced this side of parenthood...or did your family take the burden?

Would people really argue that a life with less work and responsibility is harder?

No Sean my family did not take the burden of walking the floor with my baby, I don't live with my family. I live in my own house. But I never had the attitude that these were bad times. That's part of being a parent whether your a single parent or not. I honestly have never considered being a mom a burden or having my baby as a burden. And I do get my downtime as I said in an earlier post I have a great boyfriend now who has on occassion watched my daughter while I went out for a walk or just up to the shops for 5 minutes. If he does watch her for me I put my dd to bed and wait until she's asleep before I go out for a while because thats part of my responsibility as a Mom.

Parenting has many many great times and some tough times, but this is regardless of whether your a single parent or whether your living with your partner or not.

LegacyUser · 29-04-2009 12:25PM

Lollipops23 wrote: »

i don't think abyone can make a full informed decision about abortion until they have to (ie they're pregnant). you can say that's what you do in the situation, but you just don't know. OP, i think he has a right to be upset but he can't treat you like this.you've enough going on without dealing with his toddler-style tantrum.

I think they can make a full informed decision before they accidentally get pregnant. That's when they can see most clearly surely without hormones etc affecting them. That's when a woman can discuss with their partner what the best option for them both would be if an unexpected pregnancy occurred.

'Toddler-style tantrum'?. That's very unfair. The poor guy must think he got lied to and trapped. He hasn't disappeared yet which he should be commended on, as he did share his fears before his girlfriend talked him into having sex with her.

Boyfriend feels I've trapped him for getting pregnant

Comments