Mother thinks I'm evil

LegacyUser · 01-04-2009 08:35PM #1

i live with my mother who ive always had a pretty low relationship with.the childhood was a bit rough,a lot going on,usual tale of parents split up,father turned to work,mother couldnt cope,kids suffered.i was deeply depressed when i was younger and tried overdosing when i was in my teenage years.i left home as soon as i could but for a lot of reasons which i dont want to go into i had to return and im not in a position to be able to leave.my mother has recently started her old ways,talking down about me to anyone who will listen,blaming all of her problems on me and how difficult i am,telling me im crap at everything,im an ungrateful wretch,a whore and im evil.she calls me poison and says either im evil or i have evil spirits in me and she never knew what a hopeless case i was and a terrible person until now.ive tried talking to her and explaining how much she upsets me, all i get is dont i know how much i upset her and how horrible i am and a terrible person to live with and how depressed she is.in short whenever i try to speak to her about her behaviour she turns it on me, blaming me and insulting me.my life feels like its becoming unbearable,she came into my room last night when i was asleep and screamed at me for 20 mins with the above rant.i feel like crying all the time and i just dont know what to do

estar · 01-04-2009 10:10PM

bullies like cowards. bullies should be bullied back, and usually they back down. dont scream at her, but if she starts screaming, get out of her way. if she says you are evil, say that you are a saint, and that she has no one to blame for her problems except herself. tell her that her bad mothering is the talk of the neighbourhood and they can all hear her insulting you and people have told you to tell her to stop.

you wont win with your mother, but you can control her if you want. manipulate her, fight back or else get out. being gentle and feeding her fire by being a victim and asking her to stop, and reasoning with her isnt going to work as your mother doesnt sound entirely sane.

accept she isnt entirely sane, and the value of what she says diminishes. you will never have the mother you wanted and needed. stop trying to make her into something she isnt. instead, be that person for yourself. praise yourself. love yourself. if you have no alternative to living there, then approach your mother like a lion tamer in the zoo. your mother is weak and can be controlled as long as she feels that you are unbreakable. instead of asking her to be nice and saying she is hurting you, make her guilty by bringing up your childhood if you have to. play dirty.

not very nice, but very do-able.

if it were me, i would get out and write her off for the foreseeable.

SarahMc · 01-04-2009 10:23PM

You have to get out. This is a very toxic relationship. Can you go to your dads?

LegacyUser · 01-04-2009 11:05PM

thanks for replies.i never thought of being cruel to her in return.sometimes ive lost it and shouted back at her she just gets more and more hyped up like she triumphant im proving what shes saying almost.last night when i told her to leave my room she spat in my face.i ended up pushing her out,not roughly but i did physically push her out of the room,she resisted and started screaming that i was physically abusing her.i shouted back ive asked you to leave and ive told you to leave,now youve spat on me im making you leave.

im not proud at all and i hate the person i become with her,scared,child like,and incapable if that makes sense.she doesnt believe we had a bad childhood,on the rare occasions that she accepts we did she blames it on my dad.my dad was there one day the next he wasnt.

i know she was hard done by but she makes herself out to be a saint of a mother and shes far from it.i could easily forgive forget and move on if she stopped making my life hell.i cant go to my dads,hes remarried to a goldigging whore of a woman who doesnt speak to me at all and goes bonkers if he ever helps me.

im not a child but shes been like this ever since ive known her which is a while.she would even go crazy if my dad bought us runners for school when we were kids.but thats another story.cant go to my dads and i really cant leave my mums for a number of reasons,mostly finances,ive been made redundant and owe money for credit cards and college loans.

my mother is really impossible,i cant understand her or her behaviour and why she puts so much effort into hurting me.she cant be happy the way she is,why cant she stop and try be happy and let me be?i feel like this will never stop until i manage to kill myself and she can act the poor victim again,she loves being the victim.

shes extremely lazy in the house as well and if she thinks i should do something she would never ever do it no matter what the situation became.for example i went away for a week a while ago.had left a cup in the sink that had a dribble of coke in it.when i returned the cup was still in the sink with mould growing on it-what sort of person is happy to live like that?

sorry for the rant,im really upset and have no idea what to do,how to make this better,or just livable or to find a way that this doesnt make me as depressed as i once was

aare · 01-04-2009 11:10PM

Your mother is obviously mentally ill. You won't be able to help her because of her hostility, so you need to get away from her. I am sorry but ther MUST be a way for you to do that.

You are also going to need counselling to help you recover.

Good Luck

Babooshka · 02-04-2009 08:47AM

Hiya

So sorry to hear about that. I had something similar myself when younger before I left home. I know that you say that you can't go but it will make it a lot easier for you to begin looking forward and planning for when you can go, so is there anything you can think of that will help you do this, could you take on a second job (if you have a job, I don't know your circumstances) I know in this climate people are lucky to have one let alone two, but just to keep your mind thinking about doing stuff and getting out of there.

How old are you? If you're young enough would you not consider even sharing in a large house with a few people, the rent can be cheaper that way. Although I know from my own background that I found it hard to share with people after coming out of a background that made me feel "different" if you know what I mean, I was kind of withdrawn and to a sense still am a very private person in my own home, so don't know if you'd feel the same about having to be around people. But it might be the making of you too if you considered it.

All I can say is, your situation does sound a bit worse than mine was, but it wasn't too far behind a few years back. Now that I do live away from the parent, we have a much better relationship, because I can go home when I want to and age has mellowed them out too. When I was younger it was a lot harder and I really do know some of what you are feeling. I used to say I was putting on my emotional "suit of armour" when I was going home some days, lots of people have been there.

Try as hard as you can to protect yourself, get self help books in second hand stores, (they're not expensive) talk to a friend, if you can. Remember, that everyone is imperfect when you are spoken down to and that your mother has unrealistic expectations which is not your fault and she's probably very unhappy. Try getting on with your stuff as difficult as it may seem, mentally try and build yourself up and prepare yourself for your life after this. I did, it took me a few years believe me, but now I'd never go back. If you feel you need to talk with someone I'd strongly advise counselling, if you can try look into it, ask your doctor. Remember that lots of people go through this that you pass on the street every day, and no one knows, because it's so hard to talk about sometimes. That helped me not to feel too alone sometimes when it overwhelmed me.

I hope you'll get there, my heart is with you. Take care.

b3t4 · 02-04-2009 09:05AM

Unregistered wrote: »

i dont want to go into i had to return and im not in a position to be able to leave.

Can you afford to stay living with her though? By your accounts you can't.

Here's the thing, you cannot change your Mother. You need to really accept that. You really need to let go of the mother/daughter relationship that you have in your head and realise that you'll not have this with her. The only thing you can do is change how you react to her behaviour.

My suggestions for dealing with someone like you say
1) Bite your tongue, keeping your opinions to yourself. (Extremely hard to do)
2) Ignoring the unacceptable behaviour, no matter how loud she shouts.
3) At the end of a tough day write all your feelings down on paper to get them out of your head.
4) Remind yourself that you are a wonderful person and this is only a temporary situation.
5) At the end of your day write down some positives to that day, however minute they may appear list them.
6) Put a plan in place to move out.

If you really, really can't find a way to move out then I suggest you find lots of ways to be out of the house. Walks, runs, cinema, visit friends, take up study in something spending time in a library studying, volunteer work etc

Best of luck,
A

seamus · 02-04-2009 09:24AM

Your mother is mentally ill and requires help. This is not the behaviour of a normal, rational person. I know a couple of people with parents like this and the tendancy is to ignore it and hope that you won't murder her before you get a chance to leave.

You don't have to endure this alone. Speak to someone that she knows and respects - a priest or a GP and see what you can do in the way of getting help for or even getting her committed if that's what is ultimately required. You probably feel wary about approaching people that she knows, but these people will be well aware of her illness and won't have taken her moaning seriously. They aren't aware of the suffering that you're going through.

Ignoring her or not reacting to her won't work. She will continue to fight you and attack you because somewhere in her addled brain she has a need to blame *someone* who's not herself for her problems, and you unfortunately happen to be the only human being in earshot. If she had a lodger whom she'd never met before, she'd be giving the same dogs' abuse to this lodger; I can guarantee you that. So try to affirm to yourself that this is not personal - she's ill.

Oh The Humanity · 02-04-2009 10:52AM

You have to leave, your life will be destroyed if you dont. You have to find a way.

You are going to have to parent yourself for the moment as your Mother is mentally ill. We are not being dramatic here, that is a fact and you have to face it.

A child who is made the black sheep as your Mother is doing to you will listen to that false voice telling them they are bad and believe it. A lot of other bad things would follow on then.

It is very important for you that you escape from this very dangerous relationship. You must remove yourself physically from her prescence. The fact that you are listening to her rantings and trying to justify yourself as an ok person and persuade people that what she says is not true proves that some damage has already been done.

Get the hell out of there. Do not listen to any more of her crazed rantings.

She is mentally ill.
She needs help.
She is NOT your responsibility.
Her problems are not your fault.

Read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

LegacyUser · 02-04-2009 11:25AM

thanks for the replies, i dont think shes mentally ill.i think she just cant see what shes doing. shes the opposite with my brother,will have dinner on for him when he's home, wash his clothes and dishes, iron his clothes, etc.always telling me to get out of the main room when he's home so he can have some relaxation time or privacy and screaming at me to clean it before he gets back as its not fair. i know its a toxic situation but im very relieved that nobody thinks its me. i need to stay put for a while but im trying to organise myself to be able to leave as soon as is possible. the more i'm around her though i'm starting to feel more and more unhappyand incapable and a waste of space.i certainly don't believe i am evil but i don't know why she tries so hard to make me unhappy. i think she really does beleive that i am evil. She's not like this with anyone else. She is tempermental with other people but nothing like what she is to me. I tried to talk to a family member who didn't really believe me and had been told so many bad things about me they didn't want to know.

After i tried to overdose-i passed out at work and was taken to hospital-she asked me why. I told her that everyday she made me more miserable than the last and while i don't blame her 100% she has a huge impact on how terrible i feel about myself. She just laughed and said oh heres more of your lies, then i got the usual about how tormented her life is to have me there and a bit of blaming my dad. i really want to know of theres a way i can get through to her. i've tried the being really nice with presents, the ignoring her, the shouting back etc, nothing works.

I don't want to give up on her and i'm under enormous starin in other parts of my life. Moving out too soon would be too difficult, it would just be nice to wake up one day and not be afraid to come out of my room for fear of what she will say or do next. This morning when i came down there were dirty dishes from breakfast at my place.i just sat in a different place and had my own breakfast. she came home and started screaming i was a filthy s lut because i hadn't tidied away her and my brothers dishes, how nobody could ever stand living with me and i was the failure she always knew i'd be. she says now i'm only allowed use 'my plates' -odd stuff she's picked up over the years, not the usually delf set-because i can't be trusted with normal plates and i need to learn and she has to teach me as i can't be allowed out in the world. She's always talking about making me see a counsellor or psychiatrist because i'm sick and need help and she can't manage with me anymore.

Sorry for the long posts,its good to get this off my chest.I'm mid twenties by the way, someone asked and i do everything i can to get out of the house but i'm feeling the old depression of not wanting to leave the house creep in again

dblennon · 02-04-2009 12:10PM

I'm so sorry that your in this situation, but what you have described above is exactly the kind of reaction you see in people who have had mental breakdowns.

She is displaying split personalities and projecting her hatred of her marriage break up on you.

my opinion on this is convinced by the fact that she is being so nice to your brother who she see's as a male figure in the house, she is so terrified of losing another male(husband substitute) that she is bending over backwards to accomadate him.

BTW she does not see you as a person anymore, just the embodyment of her hatred & depression, you need to get out of this environment ASAP.

nedoo · 02-04-2009 12:26PM

Why will your brother not stand up for you. If he is the golden boy in her eyes can he not get her to see what she is doing to you? What is your relationship with him like?

Your mom is ill, no questions. There is always a way to get out. If you are old enough to have run up a credit card bill, go away on holidays etc you are old enough to find a way out. There are jobs out there, you just need to lower your standards, which is better, a crap job for a bit and no more of this woman or sitting on your arse, feeling sorry for yourself and letting the whole thing get to you.

You have become physical, this needs to stop right now before you do something bad to her.

nomorebadtown · 02-04-2009 12:29PM

Unregistered wrote: »

thanks for the replies, i dont think shes mentally ill.

oh i think she is. ok i know it may be difficult for you to see since you are in the middle of this situation but from an outsiders perspective and from reading what she says you, there is something not right. no mother will treat her child like that unless there is some problem.

you need to get out of that situation NOW. Anywhere, literally anywhere else would be better for you right now. Its destroying you mentally. If I were in your shoes I suspect i would have been driven to murdered her. seriously chuck, gtfo.

LegacyUser · 02-04-2009 12:40PM

dblennon wrote: »

I'm so sorry that your in this situation, but what you have described above is exactly the kind of reaction you see in people who have had mental breakdowns.

She is displaying split personalities and projecting her hatred of her marriage break up on you.

my opinion on this is convinced by the fact that she is being so nice to your brother who she see's as a male figure in the house, she is so terrified of losing another male(husband substitute) that she is bending over backwards to accomadate him.

BTW she does not see you as a person anymore, just the embodyment of her hatred & depression, you need to get out of this environment ASAP.

+1

Yes i totally agree, anyone who has anger and resentment always needs a person to dump on and you are this scapegoat for the family, Its also not very nice that your brother and father are allowing this to happen to you, its not good enough they turn a blind eye this is abuse you are suffering and it is souls destroying!

You could be telling me about my own family here.

I had a nervous breakdown when i was 21 because of the bulling from my mother and family, MY mother was so brutal when i was a kid she would beat us all regularly, but i will always say the mental abuse was the worst, She left me on my own at the age of 17 and moved away but i was so afraid for years i allowed her to control me, it was only when i got into college that i knew i had a real chance to have a life, she tried to sabotage that too, but i didnt let her- I finally chose me over her and i am now adamant that she will never control me again, but i had to become a complete independent for this to happen.

I did a lot of therapy, built up my life and became quite successful, I didnt see her for years until i felt i was defined enough as my own person, I got back speaking with her last year on my 30th birthday but i am so cautious of her, She is still extremely angry and looks for anything to dump on me but i have a new found sense of myself and my life and i am very happy now so i look back at her and just say to myself, il be out of this car in 2 mins back to my loving boyfriend and our lovely home and i think- your still miserable mum and nothing you say or do anymore bothers me.

I lost many relationships over standing up for myself and becoming independent, it was like people and family thought i owed everything to my poor mother- but those people were a small family cirlce, there's a big world out there of people like you, who will love you for who you are....

You have to find a way to love yourself too, it is the way out, this is your spiritual journey to over come, Start in little ways, I do daily affirmations from Louise hays book 'you can heal your life', I love and approve of myself, this written every day will plant seeds into you getting yourself out of this situation and putting yourself first,

Sending the Angels to watch over you! xxx much love

karen3212 · 02-04-2009 02:42PM

Hi Op,

Are there any shelters you can stay in, until you can rent a place and draw the dole? I know you say it's too difficult, but I really think you need to be away from this woman as much as possible, as soon as possible.

Also go for the conselling that she keeps on about as if nothing else it will help you deal with the abuse you are getting. It's sad that you can't see it, but your mother really seems ill.

LegacyUser · 03-04-2009 01:10AM

OP your mother is undoutably being abusive towards you. Is she mentally ill? I dont know but it really doesnt matter. If she is she is till being nasty but might have an excuse. if she isnt then that makes her more nasty

This will over the long term have an effect you wither you realise it or not. I know moving out is expensive but your own mental health i would do it. Share a flat or a house. go out 1 night a week. Get rent allowance.

LegacyUser · 05-04-2009 11:02AM

I dealt with a similar situation for years it really damaged my self esteem, it came to a head about a year and a half ago after a particular incident, after which I spent loads of time googling until I finally came across Narcissistic Mothers and she fitted the profile on a lot of the characteristics, it was such a help because finally I could start to deal with it, the other thing that has helped is Eckhart Tolle's a New Earth, in his book he explains what a painbody is and I realised I had a dense painbody and that on a unconsious level I was addicted to feeling the pain and acted the victim in the situation, hope this will help you.

Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers
http://www.geocities.com/zpg1957/narcissists.htm

Mother thinks I'm evil

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