Awful flatmate

24-03-2009 07:56AM #1

So I already posted a bit about this girl. Since then, things have gone from bad to worse. Moved in in February and she seemed normal enough but now my head is wrecked. I'll start by saying there's no way I'm a bad flatmate. Everywhere I've lived they've begged me not to move out and said they'd never find anyone as good to replace me. That's not tooting my own horn, but I'm very considerate. I don't play music, I don't have friends over, my BF is abroad so he's never over, I never come home late and make noise, I'm not messy. I'm easygoing and I understand that living with people is always going to have some problems. I never shout at anyone unless they're really taking the p*ss (loud music at 4am, etc).

So despite this, this girl seems to have so many problems with me. She picks on every last little thing that may be SLIGHTLY annoying. For example if I have dinner at 7 and leave the dishes until 8 or 9, she starts moaning at me. Occasionally I'm in a hurry in the morning and leave my water pan in the sink (she's too cheap to buy a kettle) and she moans about that. She moans that I shower late at night (meaning 9-10pm, not the middle of the night), but the thing is, she showers in the mornings so if I didn't, I wouldn't get to shower at all! Last night she had a go at me for leaving the bathroom door open while I brushed my teeth and waking her up with the light - ehhh she wakes me up every single day with the shower/light. I just accept there's not much she can do about it, it's life. If I drop a few drops of water on the floor while doing the dishes, she gets in a huff and makes a show of wiping it up with a cloth. I just can't believe all the petty little things she thinks are such a big deal. She's incredibly intolerant and I wonder if she's ever actually lived with strangers before (the girl who used to live in my room is her sister). I really am as considerate as possible but I have to live my life!! I can't do everything to suit her! She really is ridiculous. I'd love to move out and have her see what a lot of flatmates are like, but it's not really possible. How can I deal with her while still having to live here? She's so horrible it's ruining my time here. I'm a teacher so I HAVE to spend a lot of time at home preparing classes, I can't just stay out of the flat all the time. Help!

Jesus Wept · 24-03-2009 08:05AM

Why is it not possible to move out?

It's a renters market at the moment, there are loads of rooms available, you can afford to be picky.
Go see some rooms in houses/apartments and see what the person/people that live/s there are like.

Try to engage them in conversation, some of them will be personable and shoot the sh1t with you, and some will be pretty closed off and distant, disregard the latter.
Of the ones that will talk to you in a natural manner (about work/the area/how long they have lived there/household bills), you should get a better idea of what type of person they are, and more so, whether they are total space cadets or not.

Of course, this possibly short conversation won't guarantee they will be good to live with, but it should reduce the chance of been left with a sh1tehawk by 90%+.

I've heard some horror stories even worse than yours, we all have.
I was renting a 4 bedroom house, sharing with people - I took charge of the bills and filling empty rooms. I moved about 10 or more people in over the course of a couple of years, only 1 of them was in any way difficult to live with and it was the one person I disregarded my gut feeling on - purely because the room had been empty a couple of months.

It's amazing how a lot of prospective housemates/tenants behave, they turn up late (if at all), zip around the place in 1 minute while grunting anytime you attempt to converse with them (all the while txting on their phone) and finally grunt something about calling you if they are interested. :rolleyes: Idiots, good luck with that! Why the fúck would I want to live with them? It's not that I need to be able to chat with people whom I live with, it's just if that's how they present themselves upon meeting someone they may share living space with, there is every chance they will be just as ignorant to live with.

Anyhow, that's my 4c.

Either that or try to reason with the girl, maybe you can get her to move on, if not, get out there and take a look around.

24-03-2009 08:52AM

I dont live in Ireland, I live in Belgium. Different situation here, any place ive seen wants 2 months deposit and thats money I dont have

Of the ones that will talk to you in a natural manner (about work/the area/how long they have lived there/household bills), you should get a better idea of what type of person they are, and more so, whether they are total space cadets or not.

I always do. Ive lived in 9+ houseshares so I know what to avoid. This girl was super nice for the first week or so. Then she started being bitchy, unfriendly and OCD like. To be honest I was a bit desperate due to the difficulty of finding a place here without the huge deposit.

I've heard some horror stories even worse than yours, we all have.

Ive had more than my share of horror story flatmates. Thats why I find it so laughable that she has such a problem with ME

mikemac · 24-03-2009 09:07AM

Is she the owner?
Maybe she is just treating you as an annoyance that is needed to pay the mortgage.
Would she object to you watching "her" TV?

I know I've been there

prinz · 24-03-2009 09:25AM

[quote=[Deleted User];59531393]I dont live in Ireland, I live in Belgium. Different situation here, any place ive seen wants 2 months deposit and thats money I dont have

I always do. Ive lived in 9+ houseshares so I know what to avoid. This girl was super nice for the first week or so. Then she started being bitchy, unfriendly and OCD like. To be honest I was a bit desperate due to the difficulty of finding a place here without the huge deposit.

Ive had more than my share of horror story flatmates. Thats why I find it so laughable that she has such a problem with ME

[/quote]

So basically, after your first thread on this you did nothing to change the circumstances?

If so why are you looking for advice. Just move, ask a colleague if you can stay with them until you get a place. Move city, like I said before try Leuven, it's a student city, great social life, international and rent is cheap. An English teacher is always in demand.

24-03-2009 11:43AM

So basically, after your first thread on this you did nothing to change the circumstances? If so why are you looking for advice. Just move, ask a colleague if you can stay with them until you get a place. Move city, like I said before try Leuven, it's a student city, great social life, international and rent is cheap. An English teacher is always in demand.

I CANNOT MOVE. IT IS NOT AN OPTION. Said that in my OP and have explained why. I dont have the money and also nobody wants to take on a flatmate for just a few months.

I am looking for advice on dealing with her and maybe trying to show her Im not a bad flatmate. Obviously if I could move out, I would.

Is she the owner?
Maybe she is just treating you as an annoyance that is needed to pay the mortgage.
Would she object to you watching "her" TV?

Thats exactly it, nail on the head. Shes not the owner but the renter. She seems to think its her place and I should dance to her tune.

biko · 24-03-2009 11:49AM

Try to to sit down and come to a few agreements, who does what when etc.
Write these down -
"always wash up straight after dinner".
"never leave stuff in the sitting room"
"..."

In essence, you need to straighten up and she need to relax - both must make concessions for this to work.
I've lived with sloppy girls myself and got very annoyed and I'm a guy!

If you both treat living together like a contract she'll be less inclined to act superior.
What was the circumstances before you moved in? Was she alone? Was there someone else she got on great with (and now she takes it out on you)?

24-03-2009 11:52AM

What was the circumstances before you moved in? Was she alone? Was there someone else she got on great with (and now she takes it out on you)?

It was her sister and they got along very well. I think shes bitter that Im not her sister. Its really immature but I think thats what it is.

partyguinness · 24-03-2009 11:56AM

Just get over it..she is a pain in the ass..fcuk her and just concentrate on your own life and dont let her dictate...

We have all lived with annoying flatmates..be the bigger person.

Oh The Humanity · 24-03-2009 11:56AM

[quote=[Deleted User];59533467]I am looking for advice on dealing with her and maybe trying to show her Im not a bad flatmate. [/quote]

Listen I read the other thread and I think you are wasting your time with trying to prove you're not a bad flatmate. She sounds thick as well as annoying, hypocritical too. I dont think you are going to be able to reason with her.

[quote=[Deleted User];59533467]Thats exactly it, nail on the head. Shes not the owner but the renter. She seems to think its her place and I should dance to her tune.[/quote]

Well, pity about her. For God sake. Your approach is wrong. You have got to stop tippy toeing around the stupid cow. She's annoyed with you no matter what you do so just do what you want and entirely stop being so considerate.

You might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb is what I think. If you cant move out just settle well in and if she has a problem -what do you care? -let her bang her pots and pans around, good luck to her.

If she gives out to you for something she does herself just bluntly point out that she does the same thing herself and you are sick of trying to please her.

Some people see politeness and niceness as a weakness and will bully and pick on you for it. Unfortunately she seems to be one of these. Its not your fault she doesn't know how to behave, its hers.

Dont be hostile but dont take any krap off her either.

Ironé · 24-03-2009 12:04PM

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

Some people see politeness and niceness as a weakness and will bully and pick on you for it. Unfortunately she seems to be one of these. Its not your fault she doesn't know how to behave, its hers.

Dont be hostile but dont take any krap off her either.

That is sooo true. I know so many people like that - it irritates me no end. Being nice with people like that doesn't help. You have to be firm with them.

Def don't be over accommodating as she will just keep pushing. Just stand up to her and say no and she's just going to have to get over it. You have just as much right to live there as she does.

Miss Fluff · 24-03-2009 01:48PM

[quote=[Deleted User];59531162]Occasionally I'm in a hurry in the morning and leave my water pan in the sink (she's too cheap to buy a kettle)[/QUOTE]

I thought you said you were both renting? Why don't you buy one yourself if you're that bothered by it?

Do you by any chance use her stuff?

LegacyUser · 24-03-2009 03:01PM

Sharing with people can be a nightmare, if its really impacting on your wellbeing then you have to take this seriously, is there any way you can get a loan to pay the deposit, even to be able to tell yourself it may take a few months but your going to do it!

There is no way you can sustain this situation anymore, knowing your trapped in it is awful...

I would sell everything i had and borrowed what i could to get away from her,

Would you qualify for a mortgage/ bank loan , would the school have any temporary accommodation, im sorry to not have a better solution to offer but i dont think you will be happy until you move out, its the only answer.

24-03-2009 03:56PM

I thought you said you were both renting? Why don't you buy one yourself if you're that bothered by it?

Do you by any chance use her stuff?

Yeah, but the flats come unfurnished here. The person with the lease generally has all the stuff, so of course I use it. It's included in the price. Even she acknowledges that, but she's still super protective of her stuff.

Sharing with people can be a nightmare, if its really impacting on your wellbeing then you have to take this seriously, is there any way you can get a loan to pay the deposit, even to be able to tell yourself it may take a few months but your going to do it!

Yeah I know. Only here for a few more months now though so no point in moving really. I just want to find the best way to bear it until July.

LegacyUser · 24-03-2009 04:13PM

Well if you only have to put up with it till july,

I would avoid her as much as you can, try and create a little world of your own, do lots of nice things for yourself, make your room super cosy and nice,

If it was me id live in my room, get a tv/dvd, just ignore her, she probably needs someone to dump on, even if you barely speak with her just act like your not friends.

Stench Blossoms · 24-03-2009 04:22PM

Unregistered wrote: »

Well if you only have to put up with it till july,

I would avoid her as much as you can, try and create a little world of your own, do lots of nice things for yourself, make your room super cosy and nice,

If it was me id live in my room, get a tv/dvd, just ignore her, she probably needs someone to dump on, even if you barely speak with her just act like your not friends.

+1 and also buy yourself a kettle. I don't know why your calling her scabby for not buying a kettle when you haven't got bought one either.

24-03-2009 04:29PM

+1 and also buy yourself a kettle. I don't know why your calling her scabby for not buying a kettle when you haven't got bought one either.

Because it's her flat and it's supposed to be furnished! I'm paying more rent because it's furnished. She's going to keep everything - I'm leaving in June/July. I've already had to buy a new shower head because hers was broken and she never got around to buying a new one.

LegacyUser · 24-03-2009 04:31PM

Could be worse, you could have moved in with your friend to find out the (s)he was like this. Thats what happened to me, arguments about such tiny things, figured out that my mate is actually a wanker and disliked by a lot of people whom he thinks loves him.

RuailleBuaille · 24-03-2009 04:49PM

[quote=[Deleted User];59538064]Because it's her flat and it's supposed to be furnished! I'm paying more rent because it's furnished. She's going to keep everything - I'm leaving in June/July. I've already had to buy a new shower head because hers was broken and she never got around to buying a new one.[/QUOTE]

But you justsaid it's not her flat, she rents??

How can she keep a kettle you bought?

There's an awful lot of excuses here, just suck it up FFS, you pay rent, you can shower/ turn on lights/ wash dishes when you feel like it (within reason of course). Just ignore her and get on with it, life is not a popularity contest, and isn't that a blessing?

EDIT: Take the shower head with you.

Faith · 24-03-2009 04:49PM

But if she doesn't want a kettle, she's not going to buy one. My parents own the flat I live in, and I had one flatmate who expected me to buy everything. It drove me insane, and I absolutely hated living with her. I had to buy a telephone because she wanted to ring her family in the States, while I didn't give a **** if we had a phone or not. I know this isn't about the kettle, but look at it from her point of view too. If you want something, buy it yourself. She may get to keep the item, but it's not fair that she has to pay for it while you are the one who wants it. Do you make a fuss whenever you have to boil water in the pan, by any chance?

Also, once you own something, it gives you much more control. I'd personally have my own crockery and stuff too, so I could leave the washing up until I wanted to do it, without someone elses plates being dirty. For the sake of a more peaceful living environment, it won't kill you to pay for some cheap household items of your own.

24-03-2009 04:52PM

I know this isn't about the kettle, but look at it from her point of view too. If you want something, buy it yourself. She may get to keep the item, but it's not fair that she has to pay for it while you are the one who wants it. Do you make a fuss whenever you have to boil water in the pan, by any chance?

Nope not at all. I get annoyed when she expects me to wash it immediately.
The thing is, she DOES want a kettle. She's just waiting for me to pay for it. She even keeps bringing it up, hoping I'll buy one but I'm totally broke. I'm paying over the odds for this flat as it is.

Reflector · 24-03-2009 05:01PM

Oh lord Izzy Wizzy,
I really feel for you, I have lived with people for the last 8 years and you need to be very tolerant but it sounds like she is a complete Nazi. I understand if people are filthy but you sound like a perfectly reasonable flat mate.

My advice is, she obviously feels like she has more rights as she has been there longer. You need to confront her, write out everything you have a problem with and read through it so it's in your head. Tell her you want to have a meeting. Say your piece and let her say hers. She'll start to see that she is being unreasonable and maybe you can make some compromises even if you feel you don't need to just so everyone feels that they are getting something. I did this with an old housemate. he was making the atmosphere in the house very uncomfortable. We basically told him to move out, he said he couldn't yet but would eventually. It was really awkward but needed to be said and I think that if you sit down and talk calmly with her it will improve things. If not she is a complete bitch and you just need to get out of there as soon as is possible.
Good Luck,

Ann22 · 24-03-2009 05:25PM

You poor thing! That sounds like a miserable situation, even though it's only 'til July, that's a whole lot of crappy days in front of you...especially coming home every evening from a demanding job when you want to relax and unwind. I'd begrudge buying a kettle and leaving it behind if it doesn't do anything to change her attitude. If you're only boiling water in the pan, just give it a wipe with the tea towel and stick it in the drawer straight away. If she manages to be nice at all for any length of time, you could buy the odd treat like a few buns for you both, it might help sweeten her up:).

24-03-2009 10:08PM

She's just so petty. Like, if she leaves a cup out, I'll put it in the dishwasher, but she doesn't do the same for me. She'll make the effort to ask me to do it, rather than just take the 2 seconds to do it herself. I often have to wash a pot before I use it cos she's left it dirty, yet when she had to do it today (the one I boiled my water with), she left that pot out of the washing up so I have to wash it. It's so petty!!! I can't stand that attitude. She often cooks and leaves the food sitting in the pots so I can't cook, she'd go mad if I did the same.

I'll see if I can find a place that doesn't require a grand for a deposit. If I can't I'll have to stick it out. My plan is just to spend as little time in the place as possible - I'm starting a new class on Wednesday evenings and hopefully in May a French class 2 nights a week, so I'll be spending less time. It's just ironic cos I wanted a 9-5 job so I could chill out in the evenings instead of coming home and cooking at 11pm like I did in Ireland. I love cooking and I wanted the chance to do it but I feel so uncomfortable in the living room/kitchen, I don't enjoy it. It's just a small apartment as well, it's impossible to avoid her. Got along great with my flatmates the last couple of years in Ireland - I had forgotten how crap it is to live somewhere you don't feel comfortable

Ann22 · 24-03-2009 10:38PM

Fcuk that, on 2nd thoughts, don't be buying her any buns:mad:. What an irritating individual!! I'd have to say something to her... At least, after this, any future flatmates will seem great.

Regency Black · 24-03-2009 10:56PM

First of all can I ask if she has a bf? Because with an attitude like that she is screwed if she thinks she'll last in any sort of a relationship.

Now I know you started this post in order to get advice on dealing with the situation, however I've never really been any good at giving advice. I'm very Chandler like when it comes to giving advice.

But what I do excel in (I think) is payback. Which is exactly what you need. What I would do in your situation is this - come the time when your leaving, buy some small fresh fish & on the day you leave place the fish into the hollow part of a curtain pole. Within days/weeks the place will be stinking & trust me she'll never think of looking into the hollow part of the curtain pole.

LegacyUser · 25-03-2009 10:26AM

Regency Black wrote: »

First of all can I ask if she has a bf? Because with an attitude like that she is screwed if she thinks she'll last in any sort of a relationship.

Now I know you started this post in order to get advice on dealing with the situation, however I've never really been any good at giving advice. I'm very Chandler like when it comes to giving advice.

But what I do excel in (I think) is payback. Which is exactly what you need. What I would do in your situation is this - come the time when your leaving, buy some small fresh fish & on the day you leave place the fish into the hollow part of a curtain pole. Within days/weeks the place will be stinking & trust me she'll never think of looking into the hollow part of the curtain pole.

Hilarious, you gave me a great laugh there, how did you think that up! lol

I personally couldnt do something like that it would annoy me not to know what happened after and if she got it out or not... lol

I think renting is done completely different in the rest of europe, you will find there are situations where one house mate is responsible for more,

Even so if she is not a nice comprimising person she will drain you and make life difficult,

You deserve better, if you can bring yourself to look around browse the internet, check out local notice boards, for another digs- you should get away from her, maybe if you tell the next landlord you are a teacher or have references from previous landlords, he might let you off the extra month deposit.

Living with her sounds horrible, maybe the fish trick is still an option!!!!

martdalto · 25-03-2009 11:55AM

My advice on how to deal with her is treat her exactly as she treats you - but do it with a smile (it will annoy her even more!)

If she leaves her pots dirty - ask her to wash them so you can use them. If she doesn't, tell her you will wash them, but then, in turn, you will leave YOUR dirty pans for her to wash instead. But as I said - say it with a smile and don't be aggresive about it and she won't be able to argue back.

If it's only until July, you can start making a game of it... enjoy yourself a bit.

EDIT: Start handing her IOUs!

IOU 2 dirty pans
IOU 1 bathroom light and 1 bathroom grooming incident

Do it on little scraps of paper, leave them around the place for her to find!!

Go on... lighten up and have a bit of fun with it!!!

Faith · 25-03-2009 01:21PM

[quote=[Deleted User];59543020]She's just so petty. Like, if she leaves a cup out, I'll put it in the dishwasher, but she doesn't do the same for me. She'll make the effort to ask me to do it, rather than just take the 2 seconds to do it herself. I often have to wash a pot before I use it cos she's left it dirty, yet when she had to do it today (the one I boiled my water with), she left that pot out of the washing up so I have to wash it. It's so petty!!! I can't stand that attitude. She often cooks and leaves the food sitting in the pots so I can't cook, she'd go mad if I did the same. [/quote]

See, again, it's her stuff. She paid for it, so she can leave it sitting on the hob growing mould for a week if she wants. While you can use it, you have no rights to leave it sitting around dirty for as long as you want. It's her stuff and you have to treat it with respect. I'm not saying her attitude is right, but that's just how it is. My flatmate and I have our own stuff, but share everything. But if I use her saucepan, I make an effort to wash it straight away because it's not mine to leave dirty.

It is petty, and I've had a flatmate like that too. But stop doing her washing up. Play her own game. If she leaves a mug of yours to the side, you leave her mugs to the side when you're washing up. If she's used a pot you need, ask her to clean it because you need it. She's not going to change, so either you have to, or you have to just suck it up and get on with it.

Pub07 · 25-03-2009 01:36PM

Faith wrote: »

See, again, it's her stuff. She paid for it, so she can leave it sitting on the hob growing mould for a week if she wants. While you can use it, you have no rights to leave it sitting around dirty for as long as you want. It's her stuff and you have to treat it with respect. I'm not saying her attitude is right, but that's just how it is. My flatmate and I have our own stuff, but share everything. But if I use her saucepan, I make an effort to wash it straight away because it's not mine to leave dirty.

Where did the OP say that her flatmate owned the place and wasn't just renting?

Faith · 25-03-2009 02:25PM

Pub07 wrote: »

Where did the OP say that her flatmate owned the place and wasn't just renting?

She didn't. She said:

[quote=[Deleted User];59537556]Yeah, but the flats come unfurnished here. The person with the lease generally has all the stuff, so of course I use it. It's included in the price. Even she acknowledges that, but she's still super protective of her stuff.[/QUOTE]

[quote=[Deleted User];59538064]Because it's her flat and it's supposed to be furnished! [/QUOTE]

Awful flatmate

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