Is it all about sex

LegacyUser · 21-03-2009 02:12PM #1

Is there no guy out there who is willing to get to know a girl first and not just want them for sex. As i write this im preety hurt, a guy i been texting meeting up with and what i considered getting to know, casually text me this morning saying, "this isnt going to work out, your just teasing me the whole time".

From the outset i made it clear i get to know someone and like to see it going somewhere before i'm willing to committ to sex. He had assured me it wasnt just sex he wanted and i got the impression, that he did want to get to know me. But yesterday when i called over to see him, and we were messing about, but didnt have sex, it clearly made him think. And after receving that text this morning about me teasing him, it hurt. I said to him i wasnt and that i wasnt being full on and looking for a relationship but i did want to take things slow to see how things went, before we had sex, and he replied with i dont even want that.

My question why lie, why say i want to see how things go i not just after sex and meet up and drive 2 hours to meet me because we lived far away from one another, why lead me on?? God it sucks, can i get some perspective

PirateShampoo · 21-03-2009 02:24PM

How long have you been txt and meeting?

LegacyUser · 21-03-2009 02:39PM

Not long about 3 months or so.

Otis Driftwood · 21-03-2009 02:50PM

My guess is that he thought by saying

it wasnt just sex he wanted

that you would think he is a nice fella,different from the usual plus coupled with him driving 2 hours to see you,you would automatically drop your knickers.
Feck him,and fair play to you for sticking to your guns.I will always maintain that any bloke who is genuinely interested will have no problem whatsoever waiting to have sex.The waiting makes it all the better.You just happened to meet an asshole.

Nothingcompares · 21-03-2009 02:55PM

what's your preoccupation with withholding sex? if you don't want to have sex with your boyfriend ...

LegacyUser · 21-03-2009 03:07PM

Its not withholding sex, its because at the back of my mind i felt sex is all he wanted. I asked him so many times where do i stand with you, and his reply was, i am not looking for a relationship YET, i just came out of one a while back i broke up with my ex, but i like seeing you, he continued to emphasise YET. I took that, i understood and as i said to him, ok take things slow, get to know one another and see what happens. But it's like this, i never said i never wanted sex with him, and i don't think i'm wrong in saying lets take it slow, see how it goes, and he agreed with this (least i thought he did), but again when i did'nt give into him yesterday, he decided hell she is just teasing me, and his response i didnt even want to see how things went. I feel a fool.

Otis Driftwood · 21-03-2009 03:16PM

Nothingcompares wrote: »

what's your preoccupation with withholding sex? if you don't want to have sex with your boyfriend ...

Did you read the original post or do you consider texting and meeting up with someone a couple of times to be a boy/girlfriend??????If you do then I have had about 50 girlfriends.:rolleyes:

LegacyUser · 21-03-2009 03:18PM

nedtheshed wrote: »

My guess is that he thought by saying that you would think he is a nice fella,different from the usual plus coupled with him driving 2 hours to see you,you would automatically drop your knickers.
Feck him,and fair play to you for sticking to your guns.I will always maintain that any bloke who is genuinely interested will have no problem whatsoever waiting to have sex.The waiting makes it all the better.You just happened to meet an asshole.

Rubbish.

OP, if you want to refrain from sex then can I recommend that you DO NOT fool around with them. WTF is the difference anyway? It's all part of the big picture.

I'm a man, I like sex, waiting is one thing, but it gets to a stage where it's just taking the piss and YES when you add fooling around into the mix I can see why he would think you're just teasing.

You're going to have to face facts that sex IS a VERY important part of a relationship. Without it, there is no relationship. Him dumping you doesn't mean he's an asshole at all! He's just a guy who has needs that you're not fulfilling.

Craft25 · 21-03-2009 03:46PM

Maybe you could have done a better job explaining to him what's going on for you that makes you want to wait.

Maybe you were right and sex was all he was after. Given that this is your instinct i would not discount it, Instinct is usually not far wrong!

Either way there seems to be a communication gap and communication is crucial, be it verbal or otherwise. Sometimes just the look in the eyes meeting accross a room is enough to say two people want the same thing, sometimes it requires the two people to talk it out deeply.

After getting his text you could use it to hash out what is misunderstood between you (and there is misunderstanding; he is misunderstanding you regarding your motivation & vice-versa) or you could just leave him go because "all guys want is sex!"

What could he do to assure you that he wont just shag you and run off? What could you do to assure him that you will be able to trust him one day?

LegacyUser · 21-03-2009 03:49PM

Which is why i refrained from sex because there was no relationship, he led me on to think that by keeping in contact and saying ooo i don't just want sex, , that we would get together, and when i didnt give into him and drop my knickers, he treated me like deep down i knew he would. You find the girl who wants to used for sex and then cast aside.

Craft25 · 21-03-2009 04:11PM

Then you dodged a bullet.. there should be at least having a laugh together, or interesting conversations or passionate attraction or some other sort of connection other than 'keeping in touch' in hope of sex - well shot of him, find a decent bloke! they do exist!

next time trust your instinct and dump him earlier!

LegacyUser · 21-03-2009 04:16PM

In response to his text today, I said to him that, yes i want to have sex with you, but i want to see that its going somewhere before i do that. From the outset i made that clear, and he agreed. He replied today with, i don't even want that. I don't know what to do really, he seems to have made his mind up on me ignoring me.

thedeadpoet · 21-03-2009 04:22PM

Just for your information, there exist plenty of men that aren't preoccupied with sex. As a male, sex always came last on the list for me, and (coincidently) likewise for most of my male friends.

Interestingly enough, I've always found that its been the female who makes the first move in that respect. Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever made the first move, and I've had sex many a time.

LegacyUser · 21-03-2009 04:24PM

Thanks craft, i just feel a fool for liking someone who i really wanted me to like me for the right reasons, and sex would'nt have been an issue then

. All the good guys are hiding!!

LegacyUser · 21-03-2009 04:27PM

Unregistered wrote: »

Which is why i refrained from sex because there was no relationship, he led me on to think that by keeping in contact and saying ooo i don't just want sex, , that we would get together, and when i didnt give into him and drop my knickers, he treated me like deep down i knew he would. You find the girl who wants to used for sex and then cast aside.

You have a really messed up view of sex, who said he was going to cast you aside? If you didn't want sex and weren't in a relationship, why did you fool around with him?

You were the one throwing out mixed signals, if anything, you were the one leading him on.

But of course, you're stuck in fairy tale land, so I don't expect you to agree with me. You just continue on with the ''all men want is sex'' attitude, see how far that gets you.

username123 · 21-03-2009 04:51PM

Unregistered wrote: »

You have a really messed up view of sex, who said he was going to cast you aside? If you didn't want sex and weren't in a relationship, why did you fool around with him?

Rubbish, OP is perfectly entitled to fool around with whoever she wants without having sex with them.

Unregistered wrote: »

You were the one throwing out mixed signals, if anything, you were the one leading him on.

More rubbish, the guy said he didnt want a relationship, OP made it clear she wasnt going to be having sex without knowing where she stood.

OP - bullet successfully dodged, betcha in a couple of months times you will be delighted you didnt waste any more time with this guy. If all he wanted was the ride then he wasnt worth it.

There are plenty of nice fellas out there, just keep looking and dont lower your standards for anyone.

LegacyUser · 21-03-2009 04:56PM

He has cast me aside, he told me ooo this isnt going to work, He knew from the start that id like to see it going somewhere, in the hope that we could develop something a bit more, i was'nt going to come on strong, saying i want a relationship right now. Furthermore to that, i do not live in a fairytale, i know not all guys are like that, but at the moment, my posts are referring to this fella

Craft25 · 21-03-2009 04:56PM

Yeah you feel like a fool now but you'll be glad in the end, won't make the same mistake again - lesson learned!

The best way to miss out on all the good guys is to go about with the wrong one on your arm & on your mind!

thedeadpoet · 21-03-2009 04:58PM

Unregistered wrote: »

Thanks craft, i just feel a fool for liking someone who i really wanted me to like me for the right reasons, and sex would'nt have been an issue then . All the good guys are hiding!!

You're either very young, or genuinely very naive. If you want to attract a male so passionately, then you must shift your attitude to that of a more positive one and discontinue judging all men based on one experience - because you will get nowhere otherwise.

Naturally, men will most often possess a higher sex drive than females, but its a certain class of males that use women for sex and have no interest in a relationship. We call these people 'promiscuous'.

Craft25 · 21-03-2009 05:02PM

thedeadpoet wrote: »

You're either very young, or genuinely very naive. If you want to attract a male so passionately, then you must shift your attitude to that of a more positive one and discontinue judging all men based on one experience - because you will get nowhere otherwise.

Naturally, men will most often possess a higher sex drive than females, but its a certain class of males that use women for sex and have no interest in a relationship. We call these people 'promiscuous'.

C'mon be fair, she is judging on her bad experience.. does she not have a right to feel hurt at the moment and write off all men for a bit, thats only natural FFS.

I tell you what is a skewed attitude to sex - Your assertion that "naturally" men posess greater sex drives than women! You're meeting the wrong girls mate

thedeadpoet · 21-03-2009 05:10PM

Craft25 wrote: »

C'mon be fair, she is judging on her bad experience.. does she not have a right to feel hurt at the moment and write off all men for a bit, thats only natural FFS.

Be fair? Whats fair about judging all men (including me) based on one experience? Its no more natural than rape, theft or murder. Its stupid. 'Skewed', even.

Craft25 wrote: »

I tell you what is a skewed attitude to sex - Your assertion that "naturally" men posess greater sex drives than women! You're meeting the wrong girls mate

Check my previous post. I'm meeting all the right girls, mate ;]

aare · 21-03-2009 06:06PM

(not)suchafool wrote: »

Is there no guy out there who is willing to get to know a girl first and not just want them for sex. As i write this im preety hurt, a guy i been texting meeting up with and what i considered getting to know, casually text me this morning saying, "this isnt going to work out, your just teasing me the whole time".

From the outset i made it clear i get to know someone and like to see it going somewhere before i'm willing to committ to sex. He had assured me it wasnt just sex he wanted and i got the impression, that he did want to get to know me. But yesterday when i called over to see him, and we were messing about, but didnt have sex, it clearly made him think. And after receving that text this morning about me teasing him, it hurt. I said to him i wasnt and that i wasnt being full on and looking for a relationship but i did want to take things slow to see how things went, before we had sex, and he replied with i dont even want that.

My question why lie, why say i want to see how things go i not just after sex and meet up and drive 2 hours to meet me because we lived far away from one another, why lead me on?? God it sucks, can i get some perspective

Let me go back to your original question, and give you the straightest answer I know.

Y'know what?

I am ancient, and experience STILL corners me into asking the same question, almost every time I let a guy near me (and frankly, the times it isn't about sex, it seems to be about using me for something way more pathological, and even less to be recommended :eek:).

It gets even less reasonable when you are old and cynical enough to say to yourself "ok, but you would look so pretty on my pillow, and I DO need the exercise to burn a few calories" and say "bye bye poppet, and thank you" the next day...

...THEN some of them even go so far as to place themselves in your line of sight acting like lovelorn kine, on the edge of thowing themselves into a volcano, for as long as it takes to get a reaction from you that they CAN reject and hurt, even in the smallest way.

I can't explain why they do this stuff, let alone excuse it for you...so why deny it? Or blame you?

I know you aren't to blame, and I know I am not either...but I also know something else I can't explain...

Look around you...the world is full of considerate lovers, husbands and fathers...so at least SOME of them definately cut the cr*p occasionally...

Full marks for not settling for less...

K_P · 21-03-2009 06:16PM

Unregistered wrote: »

Rubbish.

OP, if you want to refrain from sex then can I recommend that you DO NOT fool around with them. WTF is the difference anyway? It's all part of the big picture.

I think this is quite a good point which the OP hasn't addressed. Reading this thread, there are two quite contradictory pictures of your relationship. Either you were innocently getting to know him with a possible expectation but no real pressure of it resulting in a relationship. Or you were meeting up with someone you live 2 hours away from for three months and "fooling around" with him but not having sex for fear you will be tossed aside if you do immediately after.

What's the big difference between the "fooling around" you were doing and having sex? You say he gave you the impression that you would end up together, but because he didn't get what you assume he wanted, he lost interest. That seems to be a big assumption for you to make. Just because he said he was interested in more than sex, that doesn't mean what you had was ever going to go somewhere.

And to be honest, telling him that you want to have sex with him but not before you know the two of you are going somewhere is pressuring him just as much as you feel he's pressuring you. You're using sex as a bargaining tool. Not exactly the healthiest start to a relationship.

I don't want this to seem as though I'm coming down hard on you, but there seems to be a lot of assumptions and miscommunications between the two of you and there's quite possibly blame to be placed on either side.

LegacyUser · 21-03-2009 06:17PM

TBH,i would prob have felt the same. If i was him, and i liked you i would do anything initially to get on with you and to make a good impression of myself knowing that at some stage you will like me even more and then both of you will consent to sex, sex to a man i think is like a scoring a goal in a game of football, you need to do plenty of preperation and then it will come!!. If we were seeing, texting and kissing each other for three months and on the last occasion we had a fumble i as a guy would prob expect sex to happen especially after 3 months as that is quiet some time in my opinion to wait for sex, If i was you i would reconsider the duration that you make any man wait for before sex and what you do with them in between as i think he is right saying you are just teasing him.

cantdecide · 21-03-2009 06:38PM

I haven't read the whole thread but as a guy that is more than willing to wait for the right girl, my feeling is that every time you fooled around, you were dangling it in front of his face but yanking it away just when he was starting to think that now was the time. IMO, sex and all that other stuff are part and parcel of the experience and if I thought that a girl was getting her kicks out of controlling me, I'd start to really question what she was really playing at.

LegacyUser · 21-03-2009 06:40PM

Just as a guy I have to say I have never once in my life initiated sex for the first time with a woman. It has always been the other way round. So OP not all guys just use woman for sex. Id be perfectly happy to wait if I liked someone.

LegacyUser · 21-03-2009 07:36PM

Yes 3months if we saw each other regularly, but to be honest we rarely met up with work and the distance, and any time that we did, was him wanting sex, I wasnt ready to have sex with him, was enjoying spending time with him not enough. My own doubts prevented me from going the whole way with him, if he liked me enough, and was'nt after one thing, he wouldnt have said today, that he did'nt even want to take things slow and see what happened.

aare · 21-03-2009 08:07PM

Unregistered wrote: »

Yes 3months if we saw each other regularly, but to be honest we rarely met up with work and the distance, and any time that we did, was him wanting sex, I wasnt ready to have sex with him, was enjoying spending time with him not enough. My own doubts prevented me from going the whole way with him, if he liked me enough, and was'nt after one thing, he wouldnt have said today, that he did'nt even want to take things slow and see what happened.

You did the right thing for you.

You were honest, you tested him and hoped he would pass, but he failed instead...which is probably also the right thing for him.

So, believe it or not, however sh*tty it must feel, it all turned out for the best.

dee8839 · 21-03-2009 10:49PM

OP, if I didn't know better I'd almost think you were me and I'd just forgotten I'd posted that!! The same thing happened to me, basically. A guy I was meeting regularly (3 times a week), texting, etc. He gave me the impression that he didn't mind waiting for me and that we were leading towards a commitment. Then, when we finally did sleep together, he did a total 360, kissed another girl in front of me the next night we were out in the same place, then apologised and blamed it on ex issues. I foolishly gave him a second chance, and he did it again. Lesson learnt. I was just so sure it was leading somewhere that when it fell apart and I'd already slept with him I really wanted to try to make it work.

In short, be glad that you didn't give in as easily as I did. If you said deep down you always thought he would cast you aside then you clearly don't trust him, and trust is essential for a relationship and for sex. I don't really think this guy was necessarily being unreasonable tbh, as at least he did make it obvious that he wasn't satisfied to just let things happen. It doesn't really make him a bad guy. The whole fooling around thing would, to be realistic, frustrate some guys. Doesn't mean its wrong on your part, just something to bear in mind.

I'm living in hope that there are nice guys out there. Do yourself a favour and keep hoping the same. What else can you do - give up? Good luck.

Jumpy · 21-03-2009 10:57PM

There is a lot of tiptoe-ing going on here, it has to be said straight - 3 months? Depending on your age many guys would consider that taking the piss. If it was your first time, then its different. But if the guy had reasonable experience you would find that three months is an awfully long time before he would start having doubts.

LegacyUser · 22-03-2009 01:04AM

This is not going to be a negative post but a truthful one from a male pespective. Firstly i can understand where the girl is coming from but she seems a bit defensive/naive afterall as any healthy relationship should have sex after a certain period but you should feel comfortable with your partner first. I am currently single myself and from my point of view women can seem be defensive on initiating sex because they think all men just want sex from them. When i am chatting up women i dont know its very hard to convince them otherwise.that is why i mostly end up dating girls i know, because they know my background and seem comfortable with me. I can understand why girls feel like this though as there is plenty of men out there just loooking for sex but the majority of men are honest just looking for a nice girl but the overall impression i get at times is negative.

Is it all about sex

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