How do i break up with him?

annon123 · 08-03-2009 02:29AM #1

Hey. I was wondering if anyone who has done the breaking up before could help me. My head is all over the place. I've been with a guy about a yr now and as far as he's concerned things are great. He's a few years older than me and i'm pretty certain he see's me as the one. When we started out that was the furthest thing on my mind and it still is to be honest. I don't see a long term future between us so i don't tink i should be holding him back or i suppose leading him on. How do you say to someone that you don't feel for them what they feel for you anymore. I've been hoping and praying it was a phase . I don't know how or why i know he's not the one i'm to settle with but he sees me as that. Please how can i let him down gently. He's a decent guy and the thoughts of hurting him is killing me but i cant continue knowing that something special isn't being felt on my side...

mud · 08-03-2009 04:13AM

Make sure you're ready to split with him and if you are I'd say do it soon, be nice, be gentle and above all don't make sh1t up! Be honest about why you don't think the two of you should be together. It's not that bad, the hardest part is starting the conversation, the rest of it will just flow.

Also be aware that he mightn't take it very well so again be gentle but determined!

star-pants · 08-03-2009 10:40AM

mud wrote: »

Make sure you're ready to split with him and if you are I'd say do it soon, be nice, be gentle and above all don't make sh1t up!

Agreed - make sure you do really want to end it, because it would be too unfair to break up and then have second thoughts. Is the only issue with the relationship the fact you don't think he's the one? Or have you just been feeling less for him as time has gone on?

Either way it's very much on your mind and you should probably talk to him. Whether you just want to tell him how you're feeling or that you definitely want to break up - he needs to know the situation.

I had a male friend in your situation, wasn't 'in love' with his gf, but she was with him. He told her and she said she was happy to continue... eventually he had to break it off because he felt it was unfair, and he was feeling less for her also. The decision is up to you, it won't be easy to tell him, and he's not going to react well but there's not a whole lot you can do but be gentle and honest and speak to his face.

annon123 · 08-03-2009 07:41PM

Thanks a million for your replies. I'm dreading it. There are other things about the relationship that bother me and are perhaps leading me to believe or know he's not the one for me but i think it unfair to drag them up as most of them are things that he can't change. However it is mainly that my feelings have lessened over time. I know its a cliche when i say i love him but am not in love with him. I just don't know how to start the conversation when i call over and i'm praying his housemates are not around :-(

Kirnsy · 08-03-2009 08:11PM

meet him somewhere neutral eg - for a coffee etc.

that means that there will be no distractions of room mates or no violent reactions etc.

be as honest and as sensitive to him as you can but also be firm that its over.

Jimmy Bottlehead · 09-03-2009 02:12AM

Kirnsy wrote: »

meet him somewhere neutral eg - for a coffee etc.

that means that there will be no distractions of room mates or no violent reactions etc.

be as honest and as sensitive to him as you can but also be firm that its over.

Personally I think thats horrible - if a girl broke up with me in public, I'd really really hold it against her.

He has the right to privacy, as if he gets upset he can at least let it flow. If there's a feeling that violence is a possibility, then the relationship shouldn't be on in the first place.

thekinks · 10-03-2009 11:59AM

jimmy has a point there. maybe do it at your home with a friend in the other room in case things get ugly. privacy is vital though. you once cared for him. keep that in mind.

Mr. Frost · 10-03-2009 12:10PM

Make sure and tell him you should take a long break as far as contacting eachother afterwards goes. I wouldn't reply even if he texts and tell him and make him know it's not personal but will be easier for him to get over it this way I reckon...best of luck.

Wagon · 10-03-2009 02:44PM

annon123 wrote: »

I know its a cliche when i say i love him but am not in love with him.

Just a word of advice, do not pull this line on him. It's extremely irritating and only causes us lads to second guess etc...

cantdecide · 10-03-2009 02:54PM

Whenever I have to deliver bad news, I always start with 'I have something to say and You're not going to like it'. Someone said that to me once and I really admired it and felt it genuinely softened the blow.

As posted, definitely speak generally and try your best to avoid the cliches. Try to stay kind but one step removed...

Otis Driftwood · 10-03-2009 02:56PM

Hi OP.Its a crap situation you find yourself but we have all been there,on both sides of the coin.
The most inportant thing is honesty and at all costs avoid the cliches

"its not you,its me" etc.

Its going to be hard particularly for him,he will ask alot of questions,promise he can change,all that but for it to be as fair as is possible to him it must be a clean break.Delete numbers,remove from facebook or bebo and avoid seeing eachother for as long as is possible.The first few weeks will be the toughest for both of you-remorse/guilt on your part but dont slip back into old modes.If there is possessions of his in your place have them all gathered together so he doesnt have the humiliation of digging around for cds or what ever.
Good luck to you.

annon123 · 11-03-2009 06:47PM

Thanks for all the advice... I finally got the courage to do it. I went over to his and can honestly say it was one of the hardest and saddest things i have ever had to do. He took it well...well as well as one can expect which was nearly worse. I have to say i feel just awful. I know i have to stay strong because im already thinking about the good times and forgetting why i did it in the first place.

Jimmy Bottlehead · 11-03-2009 07:14PM

annon123 wrote: »

Thanks for all the advice... I finally got the courage to do it. I went over to his and can honestly say it was one of the hardest and saddest things i have ever had to do. He took it well...well as well as one can expect which was nearly worse. I have to say i feel just awful. I know i have to stay strong because im already thinking about the good times and forgetting why i did it in the first place.

Well done.

Honestly, best thing you can do (take it from someone who's had that horrible task a few times) is to cut him out of your life for at least two months.

No contact whatsoever. I know it seems impossible but both of you need that time to detox and become single people again.

And well done for being good about it. He didn't seem to deserve anything less and you ended it as well as a guy could hope for.

How do i break up with him?

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